tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42328662295227338022023-11-15T22:20:20.348-08:00MazRealMazatlán, the World and Photography from a different perspective............MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.comBlogger156125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-20052123052489270322015-12-18T20:15:00.003-08:002015-12-26T14:52:35.794-08:00ART Walk Re-Blog. It's that time of year ............<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Art has always played a significant role in the cultural and spiritual life of most of us who appreciate it. It can be a conduit for the mind to a more elevated plane – a plane of aesthetic buoyancy where the spirit is free to roam amongst the fairies and elves of Arcadia or it can be an ideal excuse to walk through the doors of galleries and studios to gawp nosily at the architecture and drink wine and munch on canapés to set you up for the evening before taking in the restaurants of Plaza Machado.<br /><br />Here in Mazatlán we have something called The Saturday Morning Art Sprint and we sent the MazReal art correspondent Fielding Under-Kerstine or ‘FuKer to his friends’ and his pair of running shoes out to describe the art therein the tour.<br /><br />After a sprint from the MazReal offices 10 kilometers away he first entered a gallery on Calle Fandango, drank half a dozen glasses of cheap plonk and ate some limp cheese where there was only one exhibit on that day by a US artist in the empty minimalist studio of 4 white walls, entitled <i>“Fridge”</i> by the artist, Genaro Electrico which consisted of a white cupboard-sized hollow space plugged into the mains, whose purpose it appeared to be keep things cool. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">On opening the door as he was invited to do, he found racks of ordinary comestibles such as butter, milk, cheese and eggs. This piece seemed to be saying <i>“Are things cool enough?” </i>Once your mind fixes on that, a whole host of fascinating questions pop up: What is the meaning of cool? What things do we want to keep cool? What would a hen think if you suggested cooling its eggs? So many questions that we have to make up our own answers and conclude that this is the most perplexing question: </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Cool me down or shake me up daddy-o?” </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLZzugOFP2oMC6hS0TddlVnVAMd_zyK-Sq8R9MKXw2ya-OY3_7E4_KqX9Mrslx1C77Kg4sfm9Wn_ZEcXDFcrOJ5h4yrdMXAMGMs2FwNZGPP_YjofhEiaT-RAF6rdk2Fsw1RbzEL-c2n6J3/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.57.28.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLZzugOFP2oMC6hS0TddlVnVAMd_zyK-Sq8R9MKXw2ya-OY3_7E4_KqX9Mrslx1C77Kg4sfm9Wn_ZEcXDFcrOJ5h4yrdMXAMGMs2FwNZGPP_YjofhEiaT-RAF6rdk2Fsw1RbzEL-c2n6J3/s640/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.57.28.png" width="640" /></a><br />
<i>An art lover muses over 'Fridge' by American expat artist Genaro Electrico</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">He turned his back on the molded Bauhaus-styled, chilly and recessive stark piece and with his head reeling with the impact of what he had just ‘experienced’ or the effects of the shitty wine found his way onto the street and sprinted off to the next studio on his list where just off Calle 42 de Huevos y Mayo an <i>‘installation’</i> was suggested. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">‘Calle 42’ by artist Zero Aarnio known as ‘Mad’ Arnie. Our man sauntered in and helped himself to some more crap wine and soggy cheese biscuits and stale nuts. The installation was roughly the size of a ground floor of an average Zona Historica casa and was ironically named Calle 42 de Huevos y Mayo numero 19, which ‘Mad’ had inscribed on the front door.<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">‘FuKer’ was invited to walk through four spaces of gradually diminishing size till he found himself in an outside open area where the main attraction was a square hole with rounded corners painted sky blue filled with water surrounded by <i>‘loungers’</i>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The piece shrieked bourgeois corporate, heartless yet bold minimal innovatism. He noted there was a sumptuous minimalist interplay between various abstract forms and surfaces and reflections. He immediately thought Gligorov without the dead body.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI-X0ZiGPqoMvdcsdO8NOTmNiYlNDLrxNWX3h-zCX1DQP_kLH4G_AszfPHa5hjuUoNAb-DpruUmVKIXseP0GBeK2zKA7jFXB_Xof_n2UPWxxsCtaODkIoXF9rxWGW_DnUvpNkhjwuLCG1C/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.59.25.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="520" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI-X0ZiGPqoMvdcsdO8NOTmNiYlNDLrxNWX3h-zCX1DQP_kLH4G_AszfPHa5hjuUoNAb-DpruUmVKIXseP0GBeK2zKA7jFXB_Xof_n2UPWxxsCtaODkIoXF9rxWGW_DnUvpNkhjwuLCG1C/s640/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.59.25.png" width="640" /></a><br />
<i>After Gligorov minimalist study 'Pool' by Aarnio. Part of the installation 'Calle 19'. The famous MazReal critic tests the water.
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Back inside, the first room boldly contained large sculptures reminiscent of furniture, except they did not look in the least bit comfortable. Pieces you would never remotely think of sitting in. Strangely incongruous in this Mexican setting. <i>‘East Coast Italianate’ </i>he mused. This room gives the viewer immediate thoughts of geometry. This is a space by inhabiting we are giving shape and form to. The layers of meaning more apparent when you step through the doors, interrupting the tyranny of emptiness.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWPH6r12KkZURTNBZWEyUUaRq4dClSIMaoL_mHVEhTWuGPALWGODLLMFIsoObTAKcJuJgFcwnyrcBsIFwKwvbsCG932hW1DsAG2oVZeSX4ze-g75_PChg3Mar1fJcz5qPr1corjpDsst9V/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.55.45.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWPH6r12KkZURTNBZWEyUUaRq4dClSIMaoL_mHVEhTWuGPALWGODLLMFIsoObTAKcJuJgFcwnyrcBsIFwKwvbsCG932hW1DsAG2oVZeSX4ze-g75_PChg3Mar1fJcz5qPr1corjpDsst9V/s640/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.55.45.png" width="518" /> </a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I<i>nstallation 'Calle 19' by Zero 'Mad' Aarnio intrigues our man into speechlessness.</i>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The next room featured a large sculpture the size of a bed and through that a smaller room featuring sculptures of white porcelain invoking neo-dada. Duchamp would certainly approve especially the collusion of properties – white, silver, polished, wetness. He approached a mirrored surface fixed to the wall where he was invited to look inside and see the outside. What is within is without. It forced you to look inside yourself and see the outer person in reverse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“Totally gonesville amigo.” he blurted.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRbSnqz1J85zwdmZX6V_tNtTtTfzPWQ4AKSMcesvNu0unBoYf3fNQdkGclJS0ub_ks6E7_D8RfWx0UD-yiC4BwpO-bRk0AtAHnysfReIub9a14VoU-triTIL7VTFXW7t-_9w2TvUBMpaXc/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.55.53.png" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="448" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRbSnqz1J85zwdmZX6V_tNtTtTfzPWQ4AKSMcesvNu0unBoYf3fNQdkGclJS0ub_ks6E7_D8RfWx0UD-yiC4BwpO-bRk0AtAHnysfReIub9a14VoU-triTIL7VTFXW7t-_9w2TvUBMpaXc/s640/Screen+Shot+2015-12-18+at+20.55.53.png" width="640" /></a><br />
O<i>ur shag smoking critic takes a breather in the neo-dada installation of Calle 19. </i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">His mind reeling from the possibilities 'FuKer' stepped outside and never made it to the next one as the malecón and its bars so close beckoned him. He drunkenly passed on his way to the Puerto Viejo <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">cantina </span>a colorful shop with colorful prints of local scenes that sell to passing tourists and cruise ship passengers - tourist memorabilia. He pressed his drunken nose against the window and then staggered inside, his sensitive artistic sensibilities shattered by what he saw and he shouted in an art critic drunken rant taking it out on this poor somewhat taken aback person.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /><i>“I’m surrounded by work that is utterly banal and vulgar, like a toilet mounted in concrete resembling nothing that could exist outside of Lovecraftian fiction.”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i></i><br />The proprietor strode over slapped him hard and shouted back, </span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“You fucking Philistine. True art is incomprehensible and these sell.”</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />Suddenly ‘he got it’, it was art, fine art no less and art that sells. He was surrounded by it. In this little colorful shop full of pretty colorful prints, he had seen the light. Those 4 words – <span style="font-size: large;">True Art Is Incomprehensible.</span><br /><br />Much later the MazReal staff had to be called to the Puerto Viejo cantina and cock-fighting joint to restrain a drunken man shouting his most pretentious art critic sayings at the top of his lungs and banging his glass and head on the table - </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">“TRUE ART IS ANGSTY, EVERYONE IS JESUS IN PURGATORY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT IS NOT DIDATIC, WHAT THE FUCK DO WE KNOW WE ARE NOT ARTISTS WE ARE MERELY HUMAN, TRUE ART STICKS IT TO THE MAN. </span><br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We tazered the madman and dragged him out feet first still shouting and hollering. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /><span style="font-size: large;">"TRUE ART IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE, ALL YOU LUCKY LUCKY PAINTERS OUT THERE, YOU ARE ALL ARTISTS.”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />We clubbed him senseless to shut his pretentious art critic claptrap. But somehow we knew he was right.</span>MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-12809765749911161532015-06-29T11:02:00.003-07:002015-06-29T11:21:16.537-07:00The Transformation of Mazatlán into Mazopolis<div style="text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD-YsxC0Hb8K7pGTlvSwqYY46-pYWFGH03L7b3nMxga6YhLXxXJi9L89l_v6YWWVb6El2IxyKCsrA0uhwJxVrE9fj6XzKt3owUpCg15EyGJgDJ7KstsItvV4Ako_Z7BNp3o6h6-79WblWj/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.21.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="334" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD-YsxC0Hb8K7pGTlvSwqYY46-pYWFGH03L7b3nMxga6YhLXxXJi9L89l_v6YWWVb6El2IxyKCsrA0uhwJxVrE9fj6XzKt3owUpCg15EyGJgDJ7KstsItvV4Ako_Z7BNp3o6h6-79WblWj/s640/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.21.18.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artists impression of Mazopolis The City Of The Future</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Reneée K Folkenflikdik reporting for MazReal Prods Daily here in the Sinaloa War Room and Breakfast bar in downtown Mazopolis....Stupendous things are about to happen and as I look around I can see 12, no 13, or is it 21, paunchy men drinking coffee, giggling like giddy schoolboys throwing paper aeroplanes around the room and having fun with Whoopee cushions and plastic dog turds. Yes, I am amongst this city's top echelon, the palpable presence of go-getters, movers and shakers, heavy hitters, men of influence, rich bastards and local politicians whose actions in this very meeting will change our lives, YES CHANGE OUR LIVES. <span style="font-size: x-large;">FOR THE BETTER and FOR EVER</span>.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Hang on, something is about to happen. Yes, Mayor General Grand Vizier Feltoon has just walked in </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">zipping up his fly</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> and the room has gone quiet in anticipation. Anticipation as to whether he has washed his hands. You can only hear a fly buzz and the toilet being flushed. Again. By his toilet-flushing <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">minion</span>. <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">El Mayor i<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">s<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> slowly, <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">deliberately</span> casting his metallic gaze around the room<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">. The silence is deafening. He holds his hands up. YES YES YES. </span></span></span></span>We can now confirm he has washed his hands a<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">nd</span> a collective sigh of relief rotates around the table.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The great man himself has just sat down. Wait, did he just fart thunderously. Yes<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">. </span>No, he sat on a Whoopee cushion and the room has erupted into uproarious laughter. Belly laughter like a pack of </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">hyenas celebrating a bloody kill.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Calm is restored with one hawked glance from his steely eye </span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">as I sidle now over to the Major General</span> <span style="font-size: large;">Mayor and Great Elephant</span> <span style="font-size: large;">N'Dlovu</span>.</span></span><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Here, let me just shove this microphone down your throat..."</span></span><b><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"He shuffles his papers and we all lean as one towards him, his animal magnetism drawing us closer, closer...He is like a bull lion who smells a lioness on heat, his nostrils flare and he begins.."</span><br />
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Mazatlán or New Mazopolis as I decree it will be now called, </span></span></i></b><b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">The Pearl or is it The Jewel or The something-or-other of the Pacific is to become</span></span> <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The City Of The Future<span style="font-size: large;">."</span></span></span></span></i></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Whoops and cheers erupt like a Vesuvius eruption."</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></span></span><b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Cars will fly through the smoggy air, skateboarders will have hover boards, our thumbs will be gigantic, our eyes enormous, our skin green and Superman will be on hand to take care of those naughty people who want to protest about wages and conditions. But do not worry, we will not pay them, we have to make cuts, deeeeeep cuts. Our shareholders demand it. Instead to save dough we will ship in Bangladeshi slave workers afresh from building the Soccer World Cup stadium in Qatar and all those refugees that the Europeans are throwing back in the sea. Yes they will build our city with low paid slave-wages and then, YES, we will throw them all back in the sea when they finish.</span></span>"</span></span></i> <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span></span></b></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Superman keeping an eye on things over The New City Of Mazopolis.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"I cannot believe it, the rich bastards are dancing on the table, tearing up paper and kissing each other. The Great Wazoo of Waziristan is now screaming maniacally and eating his tie." </span></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Private monies will soon be pouring in to construct space age constructions that will put all the other great Asian cities of the world and Uranus to shame. Tourists will flock into Mazopolis, our new city of the future and all the profits from the MacDonalds, KFC, Dunkin' Donuts, Taco Bell and the rest of those tasty food outlets and all the other other tourist delights planned will be ploughed back out again into the accounts of the private shareholders and politician's pockets and none, I say again <span style="font-size: x-large;">NONE</span> will go to improve the roads, lighting, water and education of those nasty poor people that hold our great city together."</span></span></i></b></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>NoMaz for the richer expat</i></td></tr>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"We will create jobs, low paid jobs, jobs for cleaners, bed makers, lift opperators and toilet attendants. Great jobs, big jobs, little jobs. Jobs, JOBS <span style="font-size: x-large;">JOB<span style="font-size: large;">S I tells ye."</span></span></span></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Reneée K Folkenflikdik, ace war reporter and chief bottle wash from the MazReal Prod Daily, can I just ask a question Your Highnessness?"</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>"Go ahead my fine good looking young man (what are you doing after the show eh?)."</i></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Sir Mayor, down boy! What will this new city consist of besides junk food stalls and cheap tat stalls?<i> </i></span></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Well, young fella-me-lad. Here's a list</span></span></span></span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">of our splendid ideas. I am a bit knackered so I hand you over to one of sponsors whose name I have forgotten. Let's call him Senora Smith."</span></span></span></span></i></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">"There will be a 500,000 square metre museum shaped like a giant spider in recognition of Mazaopolis's new nickname 'Arachnid of The Pacifistic." </span></span></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj8wvSULfsAtOKbr5oHQyJTGrAfb9v7PPJUPHJDB6-DfkbEfVd7EAfpSWgto1cDNZavzYKnQMwELv0j53udlzyeZwBJP2tCMtZ5skXr1Fwalx_Dt43HWZlHGJ-CRe69v1fHMkWqPvSRnTD/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+14.17.12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj8wvSULfsAtOKbr5oHQyJTGrAfb9v7PPJUPHJDB6-DfkbEfVd7EAfpSWgto1cDNZavzYKnQMwELv0j53udlzyeZwBJP2tCMtZ5skXr1Fwalx_Dt43HWZlHGJ-CRe69v1fHMkWqPvSRnTD/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+14.17.12.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">There will be a giant IMAX screen that will show nothing but my political speeches and Pedro Infanta Filims</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">To save more money </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">(</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;">cheers and war dance whoops from the bastards)</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;"> We bought this second hand one from the 1930's World Fair. It will be up and running by the year 2525."</span></span></span></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMpG7sj-TTO67hrUzxylnEFFXkGjgZ6B6WEorNeYRgTYgMfuNSaFQkWFZimFjJ_IvYDNsZz6KFkrz0vTgrvxtTvFjwcZ3ctcKPNLnLhHORooOA6C3kRD_R0T4t0NfTv0eOjRhVj1ftX_Yh/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.16.21.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="626" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMpG7sj-TTO67hrUzxylnEFFXkGjgZ6B6WEorNeYRgTYgMfuNSaFQkWFZimFjJ_IvYDNsZz6KFkrz0vTgrvxtTvFjwcZ3ctcKPNLnLhHORooOA6C3kRD_R0T4t0NfTv0eOjRhVj1ftX_Yh/s640/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.16.21.png" width="640" /></a></span></span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Rounding out the ground floor are 2 square meters of permanent
exhibition space to exhibit past and present carnival queens, a round exhibition hall for the major themes of the carnival queen museum, a travel agency from where tourists can depart on tours of the solar system, carnival queens houses and poverty tours into the surrounding poor barrios to get a feel how the photogenic peasants live (heavily armed guards included.)" </span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN3oUfPjc2FePE0zD9hPZ78eOYrarOOxKPwWWCyWCN9zQdYpSjsA5YVoNPqcWuGledAJdtY_zD0Rn2LSqMRPONDOykYU3_dSm9ly1Z_N5T94uVrng3JzNkZGgGoiA8JGSuLGTptWIjImW4/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.16.01.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN3oUfPjc2FePE0zD9hPZ78eOYrarOOxKPwWWCyWCN9zQdYpSjsA5YVoNPqcWuGledAJdtY_zD0Rn2LSqMRPONDOykYU3_dSm9ly1Z_N5T94uVrng3JzNkZGgGoiA8JGSuLGTptWIjImW4/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.16.01.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rocket ships to Your Anus and Ma's</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">These Barrio Poverty Tours will be conducted in air-conditioned coaches in which we will include a lunch of paté de foie gras, beluga caviar and Scottish salmon. The coach will then stop in the poorest barrio around a waterhole where a table will be set up under a white tent and a classical Mozart quartet will play whilst you can observe at close quarters the poor people drinking from a tap, scratching themselves, wearing enormous coloured sombreros, swinging in a hammock and fighting over scraps."</span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Poor Barrio Tour included in the highlights</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">A store filled with high quality
regional handicrafts and tat, and a bookstore with an imaginary book dedicated to our achievements in Nuclear Fission will also round off the ground floor.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"The second floor will have a terrace with a panoramic view of the
Pacifico Brewery, a restaurant featuring regional delicacies of tacos, tortillas, some sort of fish dish, and some other stuff, a regionally-themed
fast food outlet also known as Taco Bell, the city’s historical archive, and training rooms for
the development of tourism professionals and for training the local populace in the cleaning of toilets and making of beds."</span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim4i0CCafIg0AqIQQeb9YsD5PQHP8igywFTBtm5hKYytT5tCWFUA73ITWLzYKYCBLUe1b-onk2JW4FkFtE5H0HJkFJPLoswte57dzwKgJ4bX8Zn8QqXpZTGQyVur3SRSpMO2duc59gyqhE/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.19.39.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim4i0CCafIg0AqIQQeb9YsD5PQHP8igywFTBtm5hKYytT5tCWFUA73ITWLzYKYCBLUe1b-onk2JW4FkFtE5H0HJkFJPLoswte57dzwKgJ4bX8Zn8QqXpZTGQyVur3SRSpMO2duc59gyqhE/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-28+at+13.19.39.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pulmonias of The Future that allow you to chase after them and get fit at the same time.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Reneée K Folkenflikdik again, can I ask one more question. Your Excellency? Wake up."</span></span></span></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"What? where? how? Where am I and how did I get here?"</span></span></span></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Over here, by your left ear Your Great Worshippness. What about spending some money to help the people in the poorer barrios, for instance, pave the dusty roads and give them cheaper electricity?"</span></span> </span></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">"I WILL RULE THE WORLD AND THEN MOVE ON TO CONQUER VENUS AND MARS AND THE SUN. I WILL BE CALLED LOKI AND THIS ORGANISATION IS NOW S.H.I.E.L.D."</span></span></span></i></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8OoiBZrFGDEeu5ARwzYj8QVqcVZttSCtp13XPBpVG8AAM89VWlJKH2VZbRs8ceU-qWkyIiwK7cOVouSWKnJkFirOZmTL5Yses5Lmp_Xbct4GEaly1aOodCCzOBI_YdDcoChja-D3LvUiM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+12.11.27.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8OoiBZrFGDEeu5ARwzYj8QVqcVZttSCtp13XPBpVG8AAM89VWlJKH2VZbRs8ceU-qWkyIiwK7cOVouSWKnJkFirOZmTL5Yses5Lmp_Xbct4GEaly1aOodCCzOBI_YdDcoChja-D3LvUiM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2015-06-29+at+12.11.27.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And new sexy uniform for the cuddly police.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"As you see can our future is secure and as expats we will be able to continue paying our servants crap wages."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Ah, over here I see an expat </span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">sitting in a wheel chair </span></span>with his oxygen bottle and sucking on a mickey. Let me just get their reaction to these plans. Oi you sir. Come 'ere. What do you think of these new ideas for your city."</span></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Well. lookee here, I am soo excited I can hardly contain myself. I can now safely shake off this Mexicaness and really feel I am back in Torornto but still be in Mexico."</span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"You mean Toronto, I guess." </span></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Where am I anyway. Oh dear I have pee'd myself from the excitement. Oh Canada, O Canada our home and native landddddd......"</span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Well there you have it, those words from the average expat*.</span></span><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">And here is a rough sketch of our great city of the future."</span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Reneée K Folkenflikdik</span></span> signing off and back to you Chris in the studio."</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Ed: "We don't have a studio you idiot." </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>* Not all expats are confined to a wheelchair and drink oxygen. </i></span></div>
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MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-70390453206278355662015-04-29T13:16:00.001-07:002015-04-29T14:04:02.695-07:00Mazatlán Spring News<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>"S</i></span><i>iúl i gcúl le haghaidh na Nollag.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Inspirational words indeed from our</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">guest editor, the great fun-loving, rubicund Oirish drunkard, ex-priest</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> and incomprehensible poet Seamus O'Seamus who takes over MazReal Publications for this long-awaited spring edition of Mazatlán News. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnh7P4b1QQzDBM8MLu77CdLpWL1_a3EzUD38Bty5gdGPJdFfkoVSq5D42EnsufIlJSq88wWOMVMLyWNM5uaKlulPRAAy4cudhVdcwgmBuiMxUBvzJLH49ZmrXLM8cWeGERzVYcuIPq32uz/s1600/big+beer.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnh7P4b1QQzDBM8MLu77CdLpWL1_a3EzUD38Bty5gdGPJdFfkoVSq5D42EnsufIlJSq88wWOMVMLyWNM5uaKlulPRAAy4cudhVdcwgmBuiMxUBvzJLH49ZmrXLM8cWeGERzVYcuIPq32uz/s1600/big+beer.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The irrepressible poet Shaman O'Hoiney takes a swig from a gallon of Murphys.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>On My Moind…..</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"The only happy poet is a dead poet, only then you cannot change. When I die I will probably come back as a paintbrush."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I found that inspirational quote by Sylvester Stallone stapled to the back of my head when I was thrown off the ship on arriving at the port of dis wun'erful city of Matatloon. It made me laugh because that is how I felt at the time when my head hit the concrete and scraped the tip off my nose. Followed a second later by my cardboard suitcase which split open</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">scattering it'd contents onto the oil stained surface of the harbour waters. There followed a second later the obscene seafaring bellowing of our delightfully salty potty-mouthed Captain Henry(One-eye)Morganstone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"Now stay off my boat you feckin' great gob of Irish gobshite. And don't feckin' come back!"</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I didn't know what I had done to deserve this frothing foul-mouthed tirade. Thinking back, maybe it had something to do with his silky skinned cabin boy Ahmed giving me a bed bath once a day while tossing on the ocean wave. Life is full of surprises and the challenge is to head them off at the pass says Clint Eastwood. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Compelled by curiosity and the fact the Guarda are after me for eating a pair of pants on the Sabbath, I waved bye-bye to the soggy Emerald Isle and headed for a new life wherever the wind and the boat took me and now here I sit penniless quayside whilst a scrapulous dog cocks its leg on my crumpled tweed suit pant leg. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Questions like "Why me?" "Is Kanye West really the incarnation of a Frean?" "Where is the line between insanity and creativity?" 'Whaat the …….?" haunt me until my head explodes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">However taking this temporary position on the editorial staff of the last bastion of great journalistic expat web rags - MazReal - saved me from utter destitution by them paying me the going rate that gringos pay their Mexican slaves the grand sum of 10 pesos a month. Out of which they take 5 for expenses and Angélica Rivera takes another five to pay her 500 gardeners.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I-don't-know-where-or-what direction I am heading in but understand you are dealing with an Irishman who knocked off War and Piece on the Coney Island roller coaster, penetrating the abtruse Tolstoyian arcana with ease despite enough lurching to spill my bottle of Jameson's 12 year old. Understand also that I was one of the select few who spotted in the Tate Modern's exhibit - The VW Beetle - that precise interplay of nuance and shading that Odilon Redon could have achieved had he forsaken the use of pastels for a car press and laddies ponying up scalper's money for argle-bargle bereft of one up-tune or a single star bangled bimbo and my rapport for the seven lilies is solid. ?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"To be sure, to be sure.." as they say in Derry, you might be confused but isn't that what life is about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Here to end this guest editorial is an excerpt from my latest poem<i> - Beyond Ichorkipark </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Let us sail. Sail with</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>O'Malley's chin to Alexandria</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>while the Beamish Brothers</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Hurry giggling to the tower, </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Proud of their gums.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>O'Riley dreamed of it too, and</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>O'Higgins who had his suit</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Stolen while still in it.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Civilisation is shaped like</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>A circle and O'Rouke's head like a </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Trapezoid.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Rejoice, rejoice.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>etc etc.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">GUZZLE and BOOZE</span><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Fat is The New Thin : A special report by Antoiynée Mozziman guest Swiss reviewer and Alpenhorn blowing champion.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">These 'reviews' and 'observations' do not necessary reflect the views of the full-time editorial.In fact most often we distance ourselves entirely from them.</span></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><br /></span></span></i></span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Being fat has become the norm in Mexico and Mazatlán restaurants are taking advantage of this new norm by increasing the size of portions. It has been reported that skinny people are being violently turned away from many fine establishments because they are just not value for the little money they spend just 'pecking' on appetisers.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i style="line-height: 22px;">"Thin people and wasp waistline women are banned from Mazatlán.</i><span style="line-height: 22px;">" screeched Mayor Jim Feltoon tearing his hair out. </span><i><span style="line-height: 22px;">"Everyone must weigh over 200 kilos or be forcefully fed by water board."</span></i></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Government public information poster showing the wasp waistline type of people banned from eating in restaurants</td></tr>
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more food……………….</div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The proprietor of </span><b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Ze Grenoille D'Or</i> <i>(Ze Golden Frog)</i></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">on The Plaza - </span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Our diners demand bigger frogs."</span></i>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Proprietor Genevive Bujold of Quebecois Restaurant Ze Grenouille D'Or on Plaza Machado and her from the farm to the table frogs.<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large; text-align: center;">Chef Angelo Merkel of the German Beerstübbensheitze - </span><b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Der Leather Lederhössen</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large; text-align: center;"> - on The Plaza </span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">"<span style="font-size: large;">Our diners demand bigger sauerkrauts."</span></i>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chef Angelo and his From The Farm To The Table Cabbage</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Jésus Christo from the famous wood-fired chicken rotisserie - </span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Spinning Pollo</span></b></i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">- opposite the central market -</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>"Our take-out chickens are not big enough anymore. Gordos and Gringos are demanding whole wood-fired elk."</i> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">He </span></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">continued with his head in his hands -</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"<i>Man am i tired-out hunting in the Sierras all day and up to my ears in guts and skin all night. These gringos need to diet man. Please someone open a lettuce bar."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Doreen Thunderblatt proprietor of <i><b>The Blind Potato</b></i> on the Plaza grinningly shows off her from the farm to the table Sinaloa Spud:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>" Our clients demand fucking enormous potatoes."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A disturbing recent ad from the Mazatlán Meat Marketing Board suggesting a family of three should eat half a buffalo and play ping pong afterwards.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Kiddies are expected to join in the binge eating fad..</span>.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Fresh faced KeekyDee from Thunderpant Rapids gigglingly prepares to get stuck into her 'kids meal' at the <i><b>El Italiano Risa (The Laughing Italian)</b></i> on the Plaza. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Proprietor Anthony (The Fish) Rotunno (currently serving 15 years in Sing Sing for illegal possession of Bensonhurst)was asked to comment on Skype whether his kids meals are to blame for kiddie obesity :</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anthony: Hello Rico?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Rico (the Reporter)Fanducci: Hello?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anthony: Rico?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Rico: I can't hear you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anthony: Rico I can't hear you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Rico:Is that you Anthony?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anthony: Hello Rico?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Rico: Can you hear me?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anthony: Hello?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Operator: Hang up and try again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Rico: Fuckin' Skype.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Anthony: Did I hear you say fuck to me Rico. I'm gonna kill you when I get out. You hear me? You're dead meat. Your grandmother, uncle and the rest of your Nigerian extended family. Dead Meat!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Rico: Hello. Anthony?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>La Tram Restaurant on 'The Plaza'</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Filthy McNasty, freelance under-the-covers photographer captured these two amazing images of a pig being allowed to enjoy his last sunset before being placed sizzling in front of a diner and a portion of steak, cooked blue, being carried out to a diner at <b><i>La Tram on the Plaza</i></b>. The meatiest joint in town.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">In fact the chef d'meat is gesticulating to the waiter that the said diner now wants two portions of the menu favourite - The Half Cow.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">When asked to comment, Big Chef Scaramango of Chiapas said <i>"Do you believe in God? And if so, what do you think he weighs?"</i> So saying he took a long luxurious drag on his cigar and stabbed our reporter in the eye with a fork.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Chef Georgio and Johnny Depp look-a-like of </span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Flying Fish on The Sea Restaurant on The Malcon</span></b> </i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">attempts to hatchet the menu monster fish favourite - Coalacanth a la Late Cretacious. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>'We have to go to extraordinary lengths to please the appetites of Snowbirds. Cretacious Coalacanths are this years fad. What will they demand next year Sperm Whales a la parilla, Venusian Koi, Seahorse on a stick?"</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Alcalde Tzar Señor Feltoon had declared that only jolly people of this stature will be allowed to holiday here in sunny delightful Mazatlán. Border guards have been noted. So eat up folks or take your skinny frames elsewhere!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>On a lighter note - More Food news and reviews:</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>Sausages</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There has been a distinct lack of quality sausage in this town and lo and behold our prayers have been answered. Bangers (sausages in Ol' Blighty dialect) have come to town.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQqF5dbQfAa6Bjyke-TbkiXaVD32VB7qnHfpMu_EY5eIvW9BS3bGWcvBxZ7ep-Z8sFZx0E6z9qpwpa01x3X-7Q_hLRYYa4RkOowNO0ab5XOoDwl8Zp6xP54RBV3nN_k94ito9eGTs9bxJG/s1600/bbq15.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQqF5dbQfAa6Bjyke-TbkiXaVD32VB7qnHfpMu_EY5eIvW9BS3bGWcvBxZ7ep-Z8sFZx0E6z9qpwpa01x3X-7Q_hLRYYa4RkOowNO0ab5XOoDwl8Zp6xP54RBV3nN_k94ito9eGTs9bxJG/s1600/bbq15.png" height="640" width="356" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sausage entrepreneur Harold LLoyd from somewhere to the north has come to Mazatlán. And not a moment to soon.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Here he proudly shows off his pricey prize weiner - The Kobi Beef Delight . Costing no fewer than 30,000 pesos a kilo, he assures us that not only sports stars and Telenovela actors can afford his sausages but expats with Swiss savings.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Naturally Hand-Fed and gently </span></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Stroked </span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Salmon Sausages from The Kitsumkalum River in BC,</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"> Bread Free Breakfast Bangers from Brighton in Blighty and Hand-Fed Foot Massaged Pig Delicasies from Holland amongst many others that he allows us to sample hot off the parilla. If you cannot afford the hefty price tags we suggest you just swing down and shovel down the free samples when he is not looking.</span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: 14px;"> </i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>"Bangers have come to town. Only the best Canadjin ingredients are flown in. Floor-scrappings? Sawdust? Gristle? Skin? We leave those to our competitors. Our dead animal sausage fillings are from animals that have been quietly sedated then slaughtered in the time honoured way.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>We are just a weiner throw from the Saturday Organic Market. So come on down and snag a sausage*." he chortled.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>*updated: Large people are banned from getting stuck into the samples.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Restaurant Review</span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Vasili's Soviet-Era Concept Design Proletariat Eating Factory.</b></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Russian chef Mikhail 'Vasili' Vasilyevich Lemonovski trained in that great academy of food and sciences </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;">Росси́йская акаде́мия нау́к </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">in Vladivostok.</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"> </span></div>
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Chef Vasili indicating the whereabouts of your table</div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">As soon as I walked into Vasili's I was confronted by the </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Soviet design concept of granite </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">colour and bleak moods from the heavily Iron-Curtain censored conceptual and artistic expressionism that harkened back to the heady days of pre-war Stalinist Soviet Empire. Establishments where only the Politburo elite could afford to eat and shoot the dissident staff against the wall outside if their Borscht had a capitalist fly in it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>'From Tat to Shinola'</i> interior designer Eddy Shinola decreed that the scowling artworks that stare down at the cringing diners should be there to add a hint of menace to the dining experience thus allowing the uneasy patrons to eat up a get the hell out so the table may be used again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">However head down and in deep contemplation of my food I was immediately reminded of chef Vasili's food influenced by Stravinsky's Concerto in D for Strings. In point of fact the carpaccio is a great example of atonality uncluttered as it is on a wagon wheel-sized plate with only flattened circles of pulp and tremulous green rocket centre. The customer is forced to make appreciative noises with it as he eats. These tones are arranged in a set pattern and repeat themselves in serial pattern. The first night, one of 2 subsequently, I was at Vasili's, two patrons, a young fat girl and a fat man, were eating carpaccio simultaneously and the excitement was such that they received a standing ovation.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vasili's waiting staff taking a well-earned fag break. They are dressed in Soviet era working garb to match the interior and protect themselves from the 'heat' in the kitchen</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The restaurant is so busy now that booking two years in advance is necessary. After one such reservation I made for my grandmother's once in a lifetime 100th, my mother's 70th and my 50th I was told on entering that our table was given to a larger, richer more upstanding member of the community and we were shown the door with a no nonsense Soviet style finger point. Heads down in shame we shambled out leaving behind the mocking echoes of a restaurant laughing at us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">But Vasili is a extremist and he no doubt wants to draw to attention the absurdity of life which says more about our involvement in Iraq than countless books on the subject.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vasili's staff, again in designer 'Soviet' mufti taking bookings. The stern faced mixologist recently flown cheaply direct via Nigeria from Kaliningrad in the new Russia, stands ready to whip insubordinate operators</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">However never having been back I can only attest in hindsight to the lovely carpaccio that once confronted me, which was at the time a stark reminder of my mortality. Fate having dictated that I never enter Vasili's again unless it is in a corporate take-over.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two grown men fighting and slapping for a table outside Vasili's</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Thanks Antoiyneé, great reviews and news as always - The Ed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>Chitter Chatter</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">S</span>ociety editor <i>Fabian von Plotnick</i> takes us on a tittle tattle tour of comings and goings in this season's Mazatlán' boulevards.</span></div>
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<b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Macaques Bar</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Down at old Macaques a hog-killin' time is to be had on Grand Ol' Thursdeee Country night when guest Texan longshore man, buffalo wrestler and recently out of the closet Jimmy Dean starts squeezing' his Dallapé. His newly married partner Zeke Slivovitch will accompany on Jewish Harp and timpani.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The Texas Belle Bottoms will join in doin' a Big Ol' Texas version of the Can Can. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"We like to show our butts in Texas." drawled Head Butt Shayleen Du Frayne.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidzOaiGn_dhf9Wd860B4q7EKveiCcpi7lAuWcemJpfojm6jUAQ5MrARHGE5ctwtuIqZvzinuHYxhOONzhNOmKVCJ-CeydV7voz3Ai3ZMWcHxoBcL9c3XgpnUDhwrztYjIn_S_osiTww0F8/s1600/texas+butts.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidzOaiGn_dhf9Wd860B4q7EKveiCcpi7lAuWcemJpfojm6jUAQ5MrARHGE5ctwtuIqZvzinuHYxhOONzhNOmKVCJ-CeydV7voz3Ai3ZMWcHxoBcL9c3XgpnUDhwrztYjIn_S_osiTww0F8/s1600/texas+butts.png" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;"><b><i>El Recroom</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The only Mexican and gluten-free venue where expats can come at their leisure and see safe PG 13 films, talk about wine, taste gourmet food and read poetry. Once a season El Recroom invites a guest 'editor' to liven up the proceeding with his or her own programme. This season's editor is society darling Cosima Wagner from Uzbekistanistan.<br /><br />"Take a break from that poetry reading and other dirty capitalist goings-ons and come to El Recroom when tomorrow night is Soviet Socialism night where the famed dissident Igor Korobov talks about Socialism and how we should embrace it. The philosophical discussion extends to vacation time on the Black Sea mud delta or the northern Gulags.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVyXXczDSkwdPGhmSSIHILO2XTq_mqi0WT0-JR6nVQD8SG3p4fu37LbC7_HkyO2TIqZMG-ieNzA0YcCS2sQGmxHWXqVMXHUQSOp6uwbyB0mAxG-Q5tXHM9vmxRs1f9gDkNja9mZmfIDtWf/s1600/soviets.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVyXXczDSkwdPGhmSSIHILO2XTq_mqi0WT0-JR6nVQD8SG3p4fu37LbC7_HkyO2TIqZMG-ieNzA0YcCS2sQGmxHWXqVMXHUQSOp6uwbyB0mAxG-Q5tXHM9vmxRs1f9gDkNja9mZmfIDtWf/s1600/soviets.png" height="640" width="452" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">After tea break will be a brief yet helpful guide to civil disobedience and how to make the perfect cocktail - the Molotov. Dress is casual, bring your own rag and gas and bottle and the 20 pesos entrance fee will go to all the oppressed and down-trodden of the world.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Free copies of the Connolly best seller available.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Don't forget to learn the words to The Internationale as you will be expected to join in sing this rousing anthem at the end</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The chorus for those who have forgot:</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">So comrades, come rally<br />And the last fight let us face<br />The Internationale unites the human race.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>This is a Commie only evening. Tea Party activists and card-carrying Republicans denied entry!!"</b></span><br />
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<i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Forwards and onwards Comrades!!!</span></b></i></div>
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<b style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; line-height: 22px;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">From each according to his ability, </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Afterwards, on a lighter note, will be a showing of the popular Capitalist pulp film and Ronald Reagan favourite - Death On Scurvy Street."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Next week we have an added bonus straight from that hell-hole Haiti:</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>It's Speaking in Tongues Night.</b></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Come and hear the voices of angels and other earthly delights from Haitian wandering wonder Wanda 'Ton Ton' Macute and watch as she contorts, bucks and froths around on the floor to music played backwards from Led Zeppelin's classic House of The Holy album accompanied by the hippie drummers from that other shit-hole wherever these pests call home."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"The week after is Socialist <b>blood-letting night</b>. Come and give blood and exorcise those demons all in one go. All blood goes to the Save The Children fund and Animals Without Borders Homes.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkh8RN_Go-2BZ7lRXLkyuxYi8kVjxJOdIpRq9LDQACgIe2H79WKnaGDgxJyx5G2O_PxytTuK9RKbtEbLIsB_s2j91Zwq5zpScJrddytmhmIMRGs0eLQ93Ux0ClJy5XbtRC4s8eQ6Y5CK3X/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-01+at+09.58.04.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkh8RN_Go-2BZ7lRXLkyuxYi8kVjxJOdIpRq9LDQACgIe2H79WKnaGDgxJyx5G2O_PxytTuK9RKbtEbLIsB_s2j91Zwq5zpScJrddytmhmIMRGs0eLQ93Ux0ClJy5XbtRC4s8eQ6Y5CK3X/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-01+at+09.58.04.png" height="640" width="412" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The last week, to see those few remaining snowbirds a hearty good riddance, and on a lighter not we will host and evening of Snowbird Christian sing-a-longs to The Simmons family direct from the Appalachians.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxDDm0eoDTvoyVEcn7rRRa9ghnge0B6k8YnpTEPDJ46_B524JHxKbAKHZv-bQ2rmUyhyphenhyphenStPaPTw0QL5GbgwzsTFK41pHsNI4qLLkLpV9rRSvxNfZp8DjF1KvZ5Pt-IKpF2XESxNGNTc3We/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-25+at+16.58.20.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxDDm0eoDTvoyVEcn7rRRa9ghnge0B6k8YnpTEPDJ46_B524JHxKbAKHZv-bQ2rmUyhyphenhyphenStPaPTw0QL5GbgwzsTFK41pHsNI4qLLkLpV9rRSvxNfZp8DjF1KvZ5Pt-IKpF2XESxNGNTc3We/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-25+at+16.58.20.png" height="640" width="628" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">This is a protestant only night and don't forget to dress for the occasion as God always likes to see folks well-covered. Also good Christians, keep that incense and that dirty Darwinist pagan tome, The Origin of the Hobbit Species at home."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Colourful design correspondent and full time porn star <i><b>Tempest Storm</b></i> discusses local design.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"On a lighter note, the dangerous Kiddie waterside <i><b>The Crap Olivera</b></i> <i style="font-weight: bold;">Experience, </i>designed by that great self-taught architect, leader of men and mayor Señor <i>'Richard Rogers'</i> Feltine<i style="font-weight: bold;"> </i>is soon to be open on the malecón. In a re-election bid, the mayor, put his spare Sunday afternoons to good use, by ordering his minions to build at no cost, this, no doubt to be, world architectural design award thingy.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSOrUK6LBn7yGcT_87kz4uYYgxCX6qSyISd1pCHY7gk9FZhTNzvisg5PKJmcGI-WZdmpfySeTfl3im57grjE2Fc-jQ-Kd8tFPtjJqOzJgrb2tszePi2og10qBa-AzHZ8VUX8E8SPCnnrfq/s1600/skitched-20150429-124834.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSOrUK6LBn7yGcT_87kz4uYYgxCX6qSyISd1pCHY7gk9FZhTNzvisg5PKJmcGI-WZdmpfySeTfl3im57grjE2Fc-jQ-Kd8tFPtjJqOzJgrb2tszePi2og10qBa-AzHZ8VUX8E8SPCnnrfq/s1600/skitched-20150429-124834.jpg" height="356" width="400" /></a></div>
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Mayor and architect's actual drawings for the Crap Olivera Waterslide </div>
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©Feltoon Associates.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSulzp-IYdWEsPwJOznEvNIlCpIfkq4e4F_ow3x-YbAZ0FUMRZayY7-WlH494nFCqujKQpW484NUSNuuVLv4el3fZNxtgexrp-0ZEVxiBlIpEgWR6ZxTVXvoAlUGfSoyinNW-eqj3zM78B/s1600/_AT_9705.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSulzp-IYdWEsPwJOznEvNIlCpIfkq4e4F_ow3x-YbAZ0FUMRZayY7-WlH494nFCqujKQpW484NUSNuuVLv4el3fZNxtgexrp-0ZEVxiBlIpEgWR6ZxTVXvoAlUGfSoyinNW-eqj3zM78B/s1600/_AT_9705.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The ingeniously designed contraption will allow the delightful kiddies to swirl down, sand papering their butts off before depositing them into the raging Pacific waves and spiked anemone encrusted rocks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A scaffold 'escape' stairway can be made out on the right for when the rusty rebars start exploding inside the cheap cement and rupture impailing kids where they sit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The public toilets have been turned into an emergency medical centre for when the half drowned and rock injured kids begin to pile up against the door. A set of fountains will grace the slippery skull cracking concrete walkway and a lit-up pool will allow nighttime shenanigans and fungal contamination to run riot with all the kids peeing therein."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Thanks Tempest for that cautionary tale - Ed.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><i><b>Plaza Machado</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Plaza Machado or 'The Plaza' is the centre of art and food and cheap tat on a Friday and Saturday night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Lucretia Love from the New York Times describes in her customary ambiguous way as the '<i>centre of the world.'</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><i>Carnival Queen Hotdog Eating Night</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cultura is hosting a truly innovative evening to all those who missed the wonderful week of wobbly floats and cheesy smiles of the 2015 Carnival.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Cultura and the 2015 Carnival Queen Rocío Uribe de Santiago is beginning her year of doing good and helping world peace by holding a hotdog eating competition with the losers and the winner takes over the crown. Kudos from her for allowing those that did not win by money alone to have a go at wresting that gold-plated crown from her head. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0YzEIEmGAv3TvVg6H5gSb9k9-8vHOFVmtUN73ui70-G-mx0LMQPOt5aBD2g_C2dGkoBnBxuQwdTb4SKQjAvagpsWrkh-V1_kLQsFtX5oTnEDg8S2imx4YIFGN0-4c4xEaHk9FqniEFg4t/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-28+at+12.36.05.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0YzEIEmGAv3TvVg6H5gSb9k9-8vHOFVmtUN73ui70-G-mx0LMQPOt5aBD2g_C2dGkoBnBxuQwdTb4SKQjAvagpsWrkh-V1_kLQsFtX5oTnEDg8S2imx4YIFGN0-4c4xEaHk9FqniEFg4t/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-28+at+12.36.05.png" height="640" width="510" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The plucky lass will then go onto a donut eating competition. The winner will get a years free donuts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"We need fat queens."</i> screamed the crazy Tzar of Mazatlán Señor Felterini.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGrS7uCPTffIk86StAeWI1Nqzr1E5JnSUOlUnfaAVseivAll2koaUgd6ztwuHNnIaJTy0S5eKRieUmnZxhfS03Hx3url6Uk7U4ntdSYfYfbj5flJ9EihBV_KZ-lYzb25aWTwCkX8c_dkvN/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-01+at+10.07.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGrS7uCPTffIk86StAeWI1Nqzr1E5JnSUOlUnfaAVseivAll2koaUgd6ztwuHNnIaJTy0S5eKRieUmnZxhfS03Hx3url6Uk7U4ntdSYfYfbj5flJ9EihBV_KZ-lYzb25aWTwCkX8c_dkvN/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-01+at+10.07.31.png" height="640" width="524" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><b>The Jack Rabbit Club on The Plaza</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">This one is especially for the temperance church-goin' expat men out there. The one and only Mr. Hug 'Bubba' Heffer (the one seen here in the middle with the tache) is opening the Jack Rabbit Club on the plaza.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCEiT6MgCDEHzv0xkAFUEYbM9YvCibQ0BuIPR1cMRw_fmI1RJRvFmKhzpNZgoiNNrQ3zjiHqBUk2kb1BW9flZoEPwzHq6wEJ5TAof761b14guCJ6y6CR4AceGAxIFxBoEBcqzANh7vwMr_/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-05-24+at+09.07.39.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCEiT6MgCDEHzv0xkAFUEYbM9YvCibQ0BuIPR1cMRw_fmI1RJRvFmKhzpNZgoiNNrQ3zjiHqBUk2kb1BW9flZoEPwzHq6wEJ5TAof761b14guCJ6y6CR4AceGAxIFxBoEBcqzANh7vwMr_/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-05-24+at+09.07.39.png" height="640" width="460" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Come on down and be served water and gruel by fully clothed stern faced women in black. Refectory tables and neon lights await. Any lewd chat and, for punishment, a good ol' fashin' bare ass whippin' is to be had in the basement while tied upside down to a revolving wheel with a red ball stuffed in the mouth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A good temperance time is assured by all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><i>Summer Spanking School</i></b> at Angela Peralta Theatre Art School on The Plaza.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPWIxM_nRvO2I7ZF3jkWBrQ5tPA_lvPP7_-PnzygtW7vVVcFXc7xh5vtT7mtwfO2sABTjQS_dgslPjwHfK0kEnxNwqVX0QQ1k94pLPXSJvhFRARWHZCnkiyRWiPNQojRMyhv25c6Z5-Dt7/s1600/spanking+school.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPWIxM_nRvO2I7ZF3jkWBrQ5tPA_lvPP7_-PnzygtW7vVVcFXc7xh5vtT7mtwfO2sABTjQS_dgslPjwHfK0kEnxNwqVX0QQ1k94pLPXSJvhFRARWHZCnkiyRWiPNQojRMyhv25c6Z5-Dt7/s1600/spanking+school.png" height="640" width="422" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Learn to immobilise and give your friend a good arse spanking. All you old guys left behind by the retreating snowbirds, don't forget to take your heart tabs well in advance!</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhICFMkY3GFWcquWHyDBBhBT_5rNU_xeAjWn3Z_QTDvtM_48RPGUIek5x6YmS4a9WvrmKQmlevwgb8HIB84hRF2hIe5J4zc01MNrIdGHPIyzjxeZeqtMvO0pirPte3mULLoXl4HNMKR922N/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-05-28+at+28May2011+17.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhICFMkY3GFWcquWHyDBBhBT_5rNU_xeAjWn3Z_QTDvtM_48RPGUIek5x6YmS4a9WvrmKQmlevwgb8HIB84hRF2hIe5J4zc01MNrIdGHPIyzjxeZeqtMvO0pirPte3mULLoXl4HNMKR922N/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-05-28+at+28May2011+17.png" height="640" width="416" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Famous blockbuster shock movie 'Voodoo Village' star The Beautiful Rain goddess, Misty Ayers aka Blaze Star (not her real name) will show how it is done using bare hands, a paddle, a cat-o-nine tails and a cheese grater.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Fun a games to had by all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Necessary devices for rent in the lobby</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b><i>80's Queso Roca Suave Special on the Plaza</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>80's Cheesy Soft Rock Special night </i>for those remaining expats who want to waft themselves back to that particular period in time when the world was run and ruined by Reagan and Thatcher and listen to the syrupy classics from washed-up artists like Sting, Foreigner, U2, Coldplay, Phil Collins, Toto, Seals & Croft, Styx and Christopher Cross to name a few.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Maestro Jaime Last will conduct.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">This will surely instantaneously clear the Plaza of the non-afficionados and diners. So if you like soft rock and need to eat, this is the time to get on down there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">There is a rumour that Tantric sex expert and artist Sting will put in an appearance from his global Tantric shagging tour to grace us with his presence and talk about how a has-been rocker can still get it up using his trusted and tried method of Tantric sex. The method he has been pushing since his split from The Police. Phil Collins will accompany in his wheel chair and drum kit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">All you ageing rockers be assured to wash your greasy pony tail and take your heart tab before the show.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"Thanks to Seamus O'Seamus for his contribution by doing absolutely nothing and to all the other contributors for their biased opinions of which the MazReal publishers take no part in." Editor</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Next week:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>JC's corner</i> - How to spot the Judas and cater for 13 people using only a fish and a loaf of bread and the health giving properties of Chia seeds.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Doctor Doctor</i> - Fungal Infections in the Tropics and the hazards thereof. Beri-Beri, Nodding Disease and Alice in Wonderland Syndrome - what are they and how to detect them?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Busker Deer O</i> - Part-time philosopher and hack. Will discuss and outline the relationship of the Hussite heresy to the Bohemian silver mines from Count Lützlow's <i>Bohemia a historical sketch.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Shat* to Shinola - </i>Design guru Eddy Shinola explains how to build a house on top of Mazatlán's garbage mountain using an old mattress, some car tyres and beer crates. He will also, for a 500 peso fee, advise how to decorate the interior using household waste. This will be an essential read for all those down-on- your luck locals knee-deep in it up there recycling our crap. Subscribe online now with money.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>* surely that should be Tat - Ed</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">©Filthy McNasty 2015</span><br />
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MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-69424962144378225472014-09-21T06:08:00.001-07:002014-09-21T06:08:28.760-07:00Mazatlán Sunday Morning 21st September About The Same Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-67397128872833159032014-09-10T12:12:00.000-07:002014-09-15T09:51:54.141-07:00Who are the NOBs and who are the SHITEs?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">There are two main groups or tribes living in the Southernlands - the NOBs [sic] and the SHITEs*. Both fleeing from persecution in their far-off lands.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A NOB is a collective name for a group of Northernland ethno-semi-religious mainly protestant Christian caucasians of European origin whose ancestry reach far back into the mists of time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Inspired by the writings of ancient NOB blogs from those who had already fled, they called themselves NOBs (North of Border)and began to flee southwards in ever increasing numbers pushed out of their ancestral lands by their fear of the agents of persecution that blight the country of their birth namely the IRS, the high cost of living, prohibitively high rates for a hip replacement and the successive corporate run totalitarian regimes that want them to stay and spend their monthly $1500-$1800 outgoings in their own country not in some Godforsaken, flea-bitten catholic banana republic run by demented commies and their evil cronies.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>In Northernlandia the fascist Thought Police have the power to arrest anyone sitting on the street doing nothing. These toddlers were never seen again. It is assumed they are now Soylent Green's high energy plankton served to KFC chickens.</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">NOBs are finding refuge in a land where the cost of living is cheap, where there are stable communities of their own peoples that they can loose themselves in and where they can pay their dozens of servants a minimum wage close to that of a 16th century peasant. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">By the end of the 20th century and into the 21th century, roughly 1,000,000 NOBs had fled the hostile cloudy lands to the north.</span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A NOB family celebrating their freedom from the North by raising their arms on Playa Olas Altas</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #252525;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">NOBs have relocated to the southern moist and warm Catholic nations that were willing to accept them and where dentists and witch doctors are cheap and they don't have to work for a living. Southern nations where they have the time to worship freely and carry on that ancient Northern protestant discipline of missionary works in helping their own kind and dogs by integrating them into those ancient societies and practices of blood letting, wine pours, theatre groups, and board games. They have become so busy they sometimes do not have the time to visit the hairdresser or </span></span></span></span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">manicurist.</span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">O<i><span style="font-size: small;">ne of the many NOB societies. Seen here is a fire breathing class which is relevant to their lives in many ways . One example being the ability earn money at traffic lights when times get tough</span></i></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">The Cow painting school is another popular pastimes organised with missionary zeal by retired NOBs.<br /><br />Asked about it, the organiser, KC and The Sunshine Band, said "Mexicans love to have their cows painted in pretty colours."</span></i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: small;"><i>The fleeing Northernlandians are noted for their extreme love of dogs bordering on perverse and always take them out to the opera and restaurants as substitutes for their families left stranded in the far north. Consequently their patient hosts have had to accommodate these frankly strange customs of their new rich settlers and cater for the canine gentlemen and ladeez as they would a human.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #252525;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><span style="font-size: large;">NOBS still have a long way to go in order to assimilate themselves into the society, culture and language of their adopted land but as this is the first generation of fleeing NOBs there is still hope that their offspring will take the plunge. Being younger and less confused in the head they have a better chance to learn this ancient language of Spanglish. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #252525;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><span style="font-size: large;">Unfortunately as this present </span></span></span></span></span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">group of Baby Boomer NOBs are well into their second or third phase of life and have left their offspring behind, any chance of them producing children born into this society is extremely unlikely unless controversial IVF treatment is made available. But if they are desirous of having children they can can take inspiration from the 124 year old woman </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Rajo Devi Lohan from Hissar India who gave birth to a healthy boy called Naveen.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Political rulers often admitted the NOBs into their states because they were honest, hardworking and peaceful. In the past when the power of the ruling tyrant President began to wain, his cronies would often find scapegoats. Those without the power to vote and speak Spanish to deal with lawyers were the first to be persecuted - the NOB's. Soon their desirable luxury seaside condos and ocean cruising yachts parked in the marina were the first thing to be confiscated. However today as the Presidents of these southern countries are now effectively ruled by the corporations, NOBs are relatively safe and they have been granted leave to continue their ancient practises of cheese making, barn building and goat herding, at least for a while.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-KnThRTOKUBWv0rxcBxQKXL6asc7nH4Iyrn3ZM1LrRhHIUkhNsF6RFwDu4sgQvtK1nZnsLyRtNQLlwxTHYK1MW9DE57lqXMCwhniK2nUhGbOpeG_K0QESg-RcFLmtsI8aiB23GevV-v6T/s1600/god.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-KnThRTOKUBWv0rxcBxQKXL6asc7nH4Iyrn3ZM1LrRhHIUkhNsF6RFwDu4sgQvtK1nZnsLyRtNQLlwxTHYK1MW9DE57lqXMCwhniK2nUhGbOpeG_K0QESg-RcFLmtsI8aiB23GevV-v6T/s1600/god.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Honest, Hardworking and peaceful NOBs, The McQueens</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large; line-height: 22px;">The totalitarian governments in the north are so worried about the mass exodus of tax paying NOBs that they are trying to force them to stay in their country of origin by instilling the fear of God into them suggesting they will be killed by bandits, drug crazed drug cartels, bent cops, the plagues of dengue, swine flu, beri beri, ebola, African horse disease, Rocky Mountain Spotted fever and Chagas disease currently sweeping the South. Whilst those Northernlanders who have sold their lives to buy mobile homes are also worried about the </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">prospect of a prolonged tour in the Southernlands due their Government reporting that those lazy Southlanders have not built any roads yet and suggest trading their luxurious homes on wheels for pack mules or Llamas. </span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyhPMYnXRvlRmxDm9OrErUtCNlqEC_lZIAhGB5_l-pM82rZ1aro0yx39izUPQeV396fvwGnGFjneQlPgDP4cVh-tmeUcJkM4G3JSOMTWY8b82eKAn7S0GMuf0fbuMFkR29XhUSllIBZoX2/s1600/design10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyhPMYnXRvlRmxDm9OrErUtCNlqEC_lZIAhGB5_l-pM82rZ1aro0yx39izUPQeV396fvwGnGFjneQlPgDP4cVh-tmeUcJkM4G3JSOMTWY8b82eKAn7S0GMuf0fbuMFkR29XhUSllIBZoX2/s1600/design10.png" height="640" width="408" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A typical NOB mobile home or Winnie Mandelabago</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Many NOBs that have snuck back over the Northern border to stock up at Trader Jone's and Ikea have brought back stories of intimidation by the notorious 'armed patriots' of Arizona who guard the frontier. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">"He wagged his finger in front of my face and spitting said my daughter would be sent to a convent and my son would serve time as a galley slave on a French ship in the Med if I didn't tell them where in the Arizona desert I stashed that 100 kilos of weed from my last drug haul across the frontier." cried NOB Loooanne from Calle Venoos.</span></span></blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQWFlA-_ah2uSLW89jW4yq4DEumRBpuvueCXLtF95TyPUnysMLI29cgT5N7QIuqxXj7zQ3IByOgroRO1wlUdLgv1ct6CkoQ9-e_JVkwz_0LIHHCxyLEh0KVi0ykb-3rFn4FgAf84jyGTQD/s1600/weird+couple.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQWFlA-_ah2uSLW89jW4yq4DEumRBpuvueCXLtF95TyPUnysMLI29cgT5N7QIuqxXj7zQ3IByOgroRO1wlUdLgv1ct6CkoQ9-e_JVkwz_0LIHHCxyLEh0KVi0ykb-3rFn4FgAf84jyGTQD/s1600/weird+couple.png" height="400" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: small;">The last known picture of the notorious drug smugglers.</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;">NOB Loooanne from Calle Venoos and some guy. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">A strong emphasis on "community" was developed under these circumstances. It continues to be typical of NOB society. As a result of frequently being required to give up possessions and luxuries like their Northern registered 120 horse driven SUV gas guzzler and fancy department stores and Sachs of Fifth Avenue cards in order to retain individual freedoms, NOBs learned to live very simply and luxuriously. This was reflected both in the home and at the restaurant, where their dress and their buildings were plain. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #252525;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">The male elders of the NOB society wear a uniform of pants just short of the knees, sandals or deck shoes with socks, caps and Hawaiian short sleeved shirts or vests to every occasion whether it be opera or a 12 course gastro dinner and the women float by in flowery loose flowing chiffon, clinking bangles and sandals. Garments that reflect their hippy origins. The music at their regular bars and popular NOB establishments, usually geetar blues, is performed </span></span><i style="line-height: 22px;"><span style="color: black;">a cappella</span><span style="color: #252525;"> </span></i><span style="color: #252525; line-height: 22px;">and sitting on a high chair</span><span style="color: #252525;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">. This style of music serves as a reminder to many NOBs of their simple lives, as well as their history as a persecuted people. Some branches of NOBs have retained this "plain" lifestyle into modern times.</span></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRYuW6avHDFn0JUeoVJRP1A_jPZVOOKGzxUuOcVOXEn_sqe9kuSw65Bz8Ysth25ndZ4SEWTjTmx1Jmu2Of4lLpon_WrEEHXJ4c8JYdid79hhTaswDSZDexQFZG9l2Q_e9MJv3Dptdvwtt7/s1600/tourist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRYuW6avHDFn0JUeoVJRP1A_jPZVOOKGzxUuOcVOXEn_sqe9kuSw65Bz8Ysth25ndZ4SEWTjTmx1Jmu2Of4lLpon_WrEEHXJ4c8JYdid79hhTaswDSZDexQFZG9l2Q_e9MJv3Dptdvwtt7/s1600/tourist.jpg" height="548" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Two sides of the NOB male by day and by night</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Most NOBs have burnt their bridges and fridges with the hostile Northernlands </span></span></span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">and sold every thing they possessed in order to start anew with the happy prospect of rebuilding their lives and homesteads in this land free from persecution and taxes. Some even having to live in temporary accommodation for up to a year while they bribe INAH to lift the SUSPENDIDO on their new pad.</span></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwY1grs_0ElxDBaVGYOz8G11u4pWoVooh6L12FCXd2mDSScpZgshsuXFGsH_v0HqtkQGiA2HRzbYU_bjMw5JVZkBm4FHG4fCtQg8sg1lz2GLOs0Gullbr9GlDVJ-FM8dYecMyr9vxBDdsP/s1600/design8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwY1grs_0ElxDBaVGYOz8G11u4pWoVooh6L12FCXd2mDSScpZgshsuXFGsH_v0HqtkQGiA2HRzbYU_bjMw5JVZkBm4FHG4fCtQg8sg1lz2GLOs0Gullbr9GlDVJ-FM8dYecMyr9vxBDdsP/s1600/design8.png" height="400" width="271" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This ingenious émigré turned her Playa Sur home she bought cheap(below)into this wonderful architectural delight that uncannily reflects the architects only previous experience of building houses for little birdies in El Bosque de Ciudad.</span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-YpjyhhfMUXNib-Utim5oWrHsEMnRPXlWUjg_bdppE5_HeCaxynh_FgwIBAwRWGcmnEvqj_S6TW2FBk6XiSTYAk7HY231qFcOH7fYDGKlo4XJndIDiv7m1gjXoH6DET2kqgjIWYdTpnKg/s1600/garden+shed+4+sale.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-YpjyhhfMUXNib-Utim5oWrHsEMnRPXlWUjg_bdppE5_HeCaxynh_FgwIBAwRWGcmnEvqj_S6TW2FBk6XiSTYAk7HY231qFcOH7fYDGKlo4XJndIDiv7m1gjXoH6DET2kqgjIWYdTpnKg/s1600/garden+shed+4+sale.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>The cramped condition this NOB woman and her husband Patch had to put up with till her dream home(below) was built in NOMA is a testament to the spunky hardiness of these NOB frontier builders</i></span></td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZJtoUNzZubF5r3NZb5DVGs6mOjdqdFTAkKqL6Giio2kqco_val_-4hb5oktjXb2_3mNlC8B2COE07s1Ku7eiKvUAU05yqJg5XEVwr6BL97nj6UoX_avUApUDxqySiWKGeqpKWaQn51Wi-/s1600/house.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZJtoUNzZubF5r3NZb5DVGs6mOjdqdFTAkKqL6Giio2kqco_val_-4hb5oktjXb2_3mNlC8B2COE07s1Ku7eiKvUAU05yqJg5XEVwr6BL97nj6UoX_avUApUDxqySiWKGeqpKWaQn51Wi-/s1600/house.png" height="428" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The exterior of this ingeniously thatched NOB house has a wonderfully well appointed interior seen below. Many NOBs 'downgrade' the exterior as a testament to their ingenuity so it is less of a target for a break-in.</span></i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJG7XmUMFbss5kfI5XwpAF1Ydr2iAYaIiN5ejiHgvcerP1dAd4BvtbdqDtqOGgbmK6wtkqdrHOHFokthDqpNXJ9c8bHL08gPrx0p5RjyVLq1HX2Rt7YSdidacUITZe7OGuRux9bnCyQhps/s1600/design9.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJG7XmUMFbss5kfI5XwpAF1Ydr2iAYaIiN5ejiHgvcerP1dAd4BvtbdqDtqOGgbmK6wtkqdrHOHFokthDqpNXJ9c8bHL08gPrx0p5RjyVLq1HX2Rt7YSdidacUITZe7OGuRux9bnCyQhps/s1600/design9.png" height="430" width="640" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdo3P25izERhbZbZs50ClE9a0C3VNtt9HF4QMkKqpGsx4VlUryJRxMtV7CkJf1t45jWT19uqaMV-IHyvPCMdP-mwkg1yR24V30slqqYIOY9Z23C1gFFmDpJBZ7bQV8XcF00rf7Ocd9QxzC/s1600/contourtion.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdo3P25izERhbZbZs50ClE9a0C3VNtt9HF4QMkKqpGsx4VlUryJRxMtV7CkJf1t45jWT19uqaMV-IHyvPCMdP-mwkg1yR24V30slqqYIOY9Z23C1gFFmDpJBZ7bQV8XcF00rf7Ocd9QxzC/s1600/contourtion.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Not all NOBs who flee south have the money to buy a large rambling hacienda with race horses and some have to make do with smaller properties as their pensions afford them. This happy lady managed to buy with her pension this delightful bijoux house with its own clock. "I love my house." she chirped "The only problem is it's a bit of a squeeze when I invite guests for cocktails."</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-size: large; line-height: 22px;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Not all in South Noblandia is peaceful as schisms have been known to develop. That land north of the border is in fact two large countries of very different NOBs - the NOBs from the thickly forested forests of Mirkwood and freezing far north tundra of Gondor and shale oil and the other southerly NOB group from the lands of goblin infested mountains and deserts and the endless plains of doom. Lands that the ancient NOBs stole from an even more ancient group of NOBs who originated from Asia when the land was joined in the time of Noah and Samwise Gamgee.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">These two groups actually abhor each other in their own lands but here, because there is no official frontier to keep them apart, they have had to tolerate each other otherwise this peaceful society of NOBBERY would fragment into warring factions of the Snergs and the Brees. The far-north group have been known to sew their national flag onto everything to distinguish themselves from their more war-like southerly neighbours whose lack of tolerance to other tribes and societies is plain to see in their own land. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">Brawling NOB factions. Those from the frozen northerly northlands and those from the barren southerly northlands.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">It is widely known that the southerly flow of fleeing NOBs have a more tolerant attitude and possess a social conscience. However they are sometimes accused of being members of the far left churches of Liberalism and Socialism who worship from the bible </span><span style="line-height: 22px;"><i style="font-weight: bold;">Das Kapital. </i>That great tome</span><span style="line-height: 22px;"> from where the creator Karl Marx's famous quote still continues to bring tears of joy to anyone's eyes:</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><i>"What is your favourite dish?" </i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">and the great man replies:</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><i>"Fish."</i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="color: #252525; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">This bible is still banned and burned in the lands from whence the NOBs come. The lands where they worship from the bible of </span><span style="line-height: 22px;"><i style="font-weight: bold;">Ayn Rand </i>from whence comes this quote:</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #252525; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"They (Native Americans) didn't have any rights to the land, and there was no reason for anyone to grant them rights which they had not conceived and were not using. What was it that they were fighting for, when they opposed white men on this continent? For their wish to continue a primitive existence, their 'right' to keep part of the earth untouched, unused and not even as property, but just keep everybody out so that you will live practically like an animal, or a few caves above it. Any white person who brings the element of civilization has the right to take over this continent."</i></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large; line-height: 22px;">Until the Presidents of those Northern lands announces a formal apology to NOBs and their descendants and releases a postage stamp in their honour that reads <i><b>"America is the home of the NOBs"</b></i> it is highly unlikely they will find this brain drain of talented and hard relaxing octogenarians </span><span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">southwards ceasing.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>©2014 Gurk McGurk</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #252525; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><b>*</b>Of course the <b>NOB</b> is not the only group fleeing from persecution, we are told by the NOBs there is a group they call the <b>SHITEs</b> <i>(Seriously Haughty Indigenous Tribe Europeos)</i> who very rarely make their presence known in NOB society. But more on them later </span></span><br />
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MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-25422408554793576362014-08-30T12:08:00.003-07:002014-08-30T12:40:25.787-07:00August Morning Skies over Mazatlán Sinaloa Mexico<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">MazReal isn't all about parodizing the lifestyle of expats here in Mazatlán. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Here instead another set of <i>'What the snowbirds are missing'</i> type photography that only occur in the rainy season during the early hours of the morning between 5 and 6.30 am. The season where NOBs* have retreated back into their temperature comfort zones.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Girk McGirk out again in his pyjamas wandering up and down Olas Altas to get these spectacular shots </span><br />
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more snaps after this………..<br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">*A NOB according to</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> an expat commentator someone from North of The Border. A NOB is a term for an idiot in the country from where most of the MazReal staff originate.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">©2014 MazReal</span>MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-61507416671758072932014-08-30T11:44:00.002-07:002014-08-30T11:53:18.425-07:00Down At The Embarcadero<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">MazReal kicked their ace photographer Gerk McGirk out of bed and send him down to the embarcadero to see how the other half lives.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This is what you may see on any given day in September if you dragged yourself out of bed at 5.30 am and went down to the embarcadero where the ferries go to Stone Island. We all know that old people always wake up early and all expats are old so it shouldn't be too difficult.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As a Gringo, you can also be assured, if your Spanish is good, you will understand that some of the fishermen and vendors will relay a few choice words in your direction that will get the others howling. Laugh along with them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">©2014 MazReal</span><br />
<br />MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-40178207560396612312014-08-01T12:44:00.000-07:002015-03-14T21:53:12.380-07:00Mazatlan Summer News 2014 - What Do You Get Up To?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Mazatlán Summer News - What Do Yew Get Up To?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">MazReal staff are on vacation in a cabin in Alert Nunavat somewhere in the far north in Canada, chewing seal fat and drinking snow.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Summer in Mazatlán is seriously <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">hot</span></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">, like fetid baboon breath apparently.<i> </i></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">There is no joy in the sunshine and there is very little expat outdoor activity. The occasional pink pale face can be seen behind the glass in Allegro coffee shop or Molika bistro gulping down the chilled air like a fish in a bowl. Passing off half the day in front of a cup of coffee or a pulpo carpaccio until they pluck up the courage to venture out into that fug of heat and moisture and sweatily return to their abode keeping to the shadowed side of the street or the sunny side if you are a mad dog or Englishman.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">For a NOB* these equate to 100 and 135 degrees F. And <i>sensación termica</i> roughly translates as <i>perceived temp</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">(*NOB is an acronym for a person from North of the Border as used by a popular columnist from an expat newsletter popular in Mazatlán.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">In expat communities around the world gossip and rumours are naturally present but unfortunately some people take immense delight in </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">casually </span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">spreading potentially slanderous</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> and vicious rumours without foundation. So we decided to open the doors on these hardy summer expats to get to the truth of what they get up to during this period of jungle-fever heat and storm so as to quash these sometimes bizarre and outrageous stories floating around expatty-land.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b>Rosina Revelle aka Lil' Oral Annie, NOB</b>,</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i> </i>who is an established writer, columnist, opinion shaper and social commentator. She is considered an authority on popular culture and editor of the online newsletter <b><i>The Blood and Guts of Mazatlán </i></b>gets down and dirty interrogating elite members of the professional expat business and artistic community on the subject of, in her no nonsense words:</span></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"How do they get through the day to day fug of rumouring and boredom living in a hot foreign country where no one speaks English and you have to pay fucking taxes if you work?"</span></i></blockquote>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCS2bpvNd-nty-hN7q-33vp9zsbqjbJEj_awWiMRboayXAtksEpjD8DVC30v6RvVE3DECgpVgUuPv2sYXJacxBahDNcmRH91BkDHyQ7MgJnZwuAD6GsjEvaDL1NpADhR9A_jfNuEHSgP-O/s1600/shirl2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCS2bpvNd-nty-hN7q-33vp9zsbqjbJEj_awWiMRboayXAtksEpjD8DVC30v6RvVE3DECgpVgUuPv2sYXJacxBahDNcmRH91BkDHyQ7MgJnZwuAD6GsjEvaDL1NpADhR9A_jfNuEHSgP-O/s1600/shirl2.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;">Spunky Rosina Revelle demanding an answer to her leading question or else! </span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;">Some of Lil' Annie's freelance work includes stories written for popular soccer and film blogs including this tasty personal excerpt from the popular Uzbekistan film blog <b><i>Filimy Chittichatti</i><i>.uz</i></b> :</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;"><b>Please Azizziz keep your Goddamn clothes on….</b></span></i><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">At a time when lesser actors with better bods are willing to go all the
way on camera, it seems like a pretty dumb move to pitch Azziziz against
this sizzling bunch of washboard stomachs and bulging fruit bowls. Remember, Ranveer Zulfizar in '<b>.... Rama Dama Dingdong Leela'</b> also
did it for </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span class="text"><span class="text2">Sayyid Umarkhan</span></span>, making fans wonder whether </span></i><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span class="text"><span class="text2">Nurmukhammed</span></span>
includes a '<b>nanga-panga-wanger</b>' clause in the contract for male porno stars</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">. And ahem... Ranbir was an 'unexposed' 25-year-old at the time. Azizziz alas, at a ripe 99, is well past his sell-by date in the bully beefcake steak stakes. </span></i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>No matter what </i></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i><span class="text"><span class="text2">Muqaddas Jumanova</span></span>, his partner in prime cuts, has to say,
this is one stunt that hasn't hit the G-spot of female fans. </i></span><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">The naked truth. Nothing butt! And here it comes: Azizziz Schakchnosa Bekzod - keep your friggin' clothes on. We will love you, anyway! etc etc.</span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;">….And here another confessional gem on how she lost the World Cup for the Ugandan Asian soccer Fanzine <b><i>Footie Footie Fan Fan.</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;"><i><b>"Shameful confession: I lost the World Cup.</b></i> <br /><br />Yes, me Rosina Revelle! I could have
stopped that goal. I could have scored one myself. I should have bitten
someone's shoulder. Or broken my opponent's vertebra. Or stomped his head into the hallowed turf. Or pulled out my AK and shot the fucker in the head. That's the very
least one can do when so much is at stake. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;"><br />Me? All I did is cheer and get slaughtered on 6 bottles of New Zealand Chardonnay (any excuse...but it's important to express loyalty by picking
the appropriate continent for your wine)and a bottle of Stoli. By the time, the tenth round
of sausages and sauerkraut got passed around, I knew no amount of crying or farting for Argentina
would help.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;">Over on my side, a few ladies were discussing Shakira's boobs and
Gisele's arse. We all agreed our boobs and arses lie all the time. We
are much, MUCH slimmer! I
recalled the words of Dilip D Mucherooni who said, "We have to stop
thinking too much. Wise words Dil!</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">Even though, Mohan Joshi Josh </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; letter-spacing: 1px;">Balasubramanian Chakrapati</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">, that lunch pack hero was not playing in the World Cup Final, I was instructed </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">by the drunken men </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">to serve prawns
(no explanation required if you are a Gujarat!). </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It must have been the prawns! Had we flown in Argentinian Asado and Churasco for the crucial match, Messi wouldn't have messed up. And I would have won. Thank God my husband no longer has to shout 'Achtung Baby' for the next four more years.."</span></span></blockquote>
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<b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Fanoola What Do You Get Up To?</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>Fanoola Gaye Local Hackster, clothes horse and NOB Expert Hurricane Chaser and regular 5th ave. Mazatlán fashion contributor to Expat Blogs.</b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYOnOEzVm4RTemJykEp8N1yhcYsdDwYky3ZmkgLv05iZa8K0haWuGAemXWFIYGtAFUwiLOFPx3Ilx9QFicXgEEZLvnb60SN316XU4JDYLo0WWkbt9HZGEfuECT_xZi4xQI0qm6HteSdeO/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-05-07+at+08.45.12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGYOnOEzVm4RTemJykEp8N1yhcYsdDwYky3ZmkgLv05iZa8K0haWuGAemXWFIYGtAFUwiLOFPx3Ilx9QFicXgEEZLvnb60SN316XU4JDYLo0WWkbt9HZGEfuECT_xZi4xQI0qm6HteSdeO/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-05-07+at+08.45.12.png" height="400" width="362" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fandangoola with her driver and whipping' boy nonchalantly sporting the latest aerodynamic highly visible 'Hurricane Hi Viz Gear'. Here she is about to drive into the eye of Hurricane Narnia where she will report on the storm's progress.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Fanoola breathlessly continues:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"I have nothing to hide</i>. <i>I know there are rumours flying around about me and Big Bettie and they are all true save for that vicious one that suggests Bettie is a sumo wrestler and Mata Hari spy from North Korea when in fact she is a sumo wrestler and walrus from the Aleutian Islands.</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Annnnny way dhaaaarlings, what I get up to in this naughty heat is I chase hurricanes. Yes you guessed. From inside my house on Chest Fridge Hill hahahah. Boneface my driver goes in there and phones back the info.</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>We barely lived through hurricane Rick that totally destroyed Mazatlán in 2012 and deposited Boneface in Guatemala. Thirst and hunger nearly overcame us that memorable night as a result of our maid who we keep outside during storms to act as a wind gauge and lightning conductor </i></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>getting sucked up into the eye of the maelstrom Rick. Without her and her knowledge of the inside of our hacienda we didn't know where the fridge was so consequently myself</i></span> and my live-in lover, Big Bettie, survived through the wee hours of that dark night by eating each other and drinking our sweat. </i></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Luckily the sun did come up an hour later and our services were restored pronto. Unfortunately our poor dear maid was never seen again but we did hear a rumour of a flayed young woman found dead atop a mango tree in Walamo.</i></span><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Now the naughty hurricane season is upon us again and that can mean hurricanes and utter destruction so I have some helpful tips to get through that hour or two of styngian (I think she means stygian-Ed)darkness punctuated by those bolts of blinding lightning as the storm rages overhead:</span></i><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></i><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">1/ Sell your current houses and servants and buy something high on a hill near Tierra Del Fuego southern Chile.</span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">2/ Supply it with lots of stuff so when the services are cut off you can survive for the half an hour before they are returned. We suggest paté de foie gras, Iranian Beluga caviar, crates of champagne and a rent boy from Uzbekistan.</span></i><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></i><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">3/ Make sure you are not near any rivers, estuaries or the sea.</span></i></span></blockquote>
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<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"></span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">4/ Build your house from a block of solid cement. </span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>5/ Take your servant with you to ease the pressure on having to get out of bed to get a snack and </i></span><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">don't forget to securely tie the maids down outside to stop them being sucked into the tempest. </span></i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>So all you naughty people out there in Maz Expat-land, when hurricane Narnia can be seen approaching on the horizon, my advice it to exit through those doors at the back of your bedroom cupboard and enter the beautiful world of no hurricanes, endless coddling maids, cool weather and gamboling Caribou - the place where I spend those happy hours inside my head away from this infernal fucking heat."</i> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">She chirped dropping another tab of acid and screeching scarily at the top of her voice the Canajian national anthem - </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>"Ooooooooohhhh Canaja! </i></span> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Our Home and Beeeeeeautiful Land of Moose and Shhhhhaaaale Oylll,</i></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>And something something patriots and wonderful something-or-other exploits</i></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>of men in beaver skin hats and lumberjackery </i></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>something something".</i></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Great advice there from the fragrent Fandango Gaye.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Expats don't all come from north of the border or are NOBs as NOB blog writers like to perceive them to be. We know that out there in expatland are some non NOBs. There is an Italian, a Pole, a French person, someone from that far-away land of OzStralia, a white queen from Narnia-land, and a hobbit from the The Great Forest of Mirkwood in Middle Earth and a two or three English people.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">The Hobbit and The White Queen are sometimes seen to be hanging out on Goat Hill where he lives in cave and it is said that she lives behind his cave cupboard door in Noo Noo-land.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The Europeans however, are generally thought to be stuck-up and stick to themselves and are described by the Australians and NOBs as: </span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>'Those unsociable Euro bastards. Who the hell do they think they are not allowing themselves to be seen on the malecón, drinking coffee at the Lonely Spleen or having breakfast at Allegro or setting up an organic something or other, a religious sect, a lending library or online newsletter or Uzbek wine tasting and pouring club, a road-kill cooking group, book burning club, Ayn Rand reading group or tourist aide guerrilla recruiting army. All they do all day is plot to kill us all. Pitch forks and death by fire is all that's good for them. Kill them all, exterminate all the brutes.'</i></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>Gilbert and George What Do You Get Up To?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><b>George and Gilbert Huntingdon-Smythe-Piddle-Pissington-Ponce* - UK citizens (Pomland, Mud Island, Rain-Swept Hellhole etc etc)</b></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>* A made-up name as we know not what these dangerous hermits call themselves. All English people, we are unreliably informed, are called Piss this or Piddle that.</i><i><b> </b></i></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7MxqsnBuqVVABy9yTFo5sa9DOVB6vM65f-1lM49vvHkTzu5oUyCF3gLTCa3t66WbdtjHRIIaJc9u5Xjy_zapyLpeDD9_dK2tOANZfdHEHZFEMkjnf9v_QdE56WMIecQaf5HidtP-Q0QCg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-14+at+12.17.06.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7MxqsnBuqVVABy9yTFo5sa9DOVB6vM65f-1lM49vvHkTzu5oUyCF3gLTCa3t66WbdtjHRIIaJc9u5Xjy_zapyLpeDD9_dK2tOANZfdHEHZFEMkjnf9v_QdE56WMIecQaf5HidtP-Q0QCg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-14+at+12.17.06.png" height="425" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><blockquote class="tr_bq">
We think this is the notorious cannibals from Pomland George and Mildred or it could be Mildred and George. A disguise is the only way that this evil couple can set foot on the Calles without us resposible citizens tearing then limb from limb and burning them at a stake. </blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Spokesperson for the North Of The Border Expat Vigilante Group (BIGNOB) - Meesta X - continues: </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>"We haven't a clue what this dirty limey couple get up to but rumour has it they embrace dark secrets and have a witches coven and human body parts for rent factory behind those dark doors that only open on garbage day or beer delivery day. Is it garbage or is it human offal in those bulging black garbage sacks? Is it beer or is it bat's blood? </i></span></span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_b2lcrYJGfOO7osGeOEX2J7BUQ0232k95n0kwOBlG3yTa7P-gPJag8fX31uIB3ZAXXYQt00X6vuJz6uBVYWQCndfIQymvFIRnsgfmXVCo0PsTWgy7pbZwuDpVIwoJYc_nxpHvzYywW_6T/s1600/witch.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_b2lcrYJGfOO7osGeOEX2J7BUQ0232k95n0kwOBlG3yTa7P-gPJag8fX31uIB3ZAXXYQt00X6vuJz6uBVYWQCndfIQymvFIRnsgfmXVCo0PsTWgy7pbZwuDpVIwoJYc_nxpHvzYywW_6T/s1600/witch.png" height="320" width="209" /></a></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">These books were found in the Mazatlán Expat-Library and after extensive water-boarding by our group, the nice old lady who looks after the lending library broke down under interrogation and confessed spluttering that two people with strange non-American accents came by and left them hidden amongst a pile of John Grisham best sellers. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"Needless to say we had a book burning night and danced around the flames" sayeth Z.</span></blockquote>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikqqxRk9-yHgdyzc8-6F7gIMcOSYRP90Eno4ebF_h6shi2AmsLTFgzj2ZFTxQr8zbd-Ucem5DpgXH7J_oQodz54yjHto1oAxf0bkNE71mE8mP2NuGCbW1qU8irqiia8tJqn2yPPGX_P_28/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-03-05+at+15.24.53.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikqqxRk9-yHgdyzc8-6F7gIMcOSYRP90Eno4ebF_h6shi2AmsLTFgzj2ZFTxQr8zbd-Ucem5DpgXH7J_oQodz54yjHto1oAxf0bkNE71mE8mP2NuGCbW1qU8irqiia8tJqn2yPPGX_P_28/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-03-05+at+15.24.53.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our spy took this picture of some English expat midnight backyard shenanigans as a baby is fried over a candle and eaten</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Intrigued and troubled by this</span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">generally true rumour MazReal decided to get serious and sent out ace foot-in-the door and phone hacker, Piers Morganstone to get some inside info on the shady couple from that muddy-island of YOO.K. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">With the truism 'An Englishman's home is his castle' ringing in his empty head, that nasty hack Piers Whatsisname in broad daylight tried to smash the couple's door down in broad daylight with a sledge hammer, and according to neighbour, Mexican senior citizen Don Ameche the neighbour, </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
</span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"A speakeasy Judas suddenly opened, a pair of fingers shot out and scooped that nasty man's eyes expertly from his sockets. The judas slammed shut neatly taking off his fingers which fell to the dusty street whereupon a stray dog took off with the thumb and pinkie" said The Don roaring with laughter.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Piers now allegedly blinded is counting the cost (not on his fingers hahaha) of his intrusion with these dangerous psychosociopaths in a hospital in 'anything goes' Panama City and last we heard he was suing George and Mildred to get his eyes and fingers back. They allegedly told him they had already sold one eye to a blind man in colonia Urias and as we know the dog had run off with the fingers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"I demand my parts back. Second hand Latino bodyparts aren't good enough for me." he shouted shaking his fingerless fist.</i></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We have been inundated with phone calls and iPhone pics of confirmed sightings of the notorious cannibals from Pomlandia.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>"If you see these people on the streets, don't hesitate, kill them."</b></span></blockquote>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD47pTBta3BOuNo1yLcsEHKvq-dIsJcFxOV6P5mKRM0am6PAMmrcjyNzhhOAcGXdCoJaFtT7HxKeARkhgcpveL7v9Qz8HwokmFsRm9IfXnAtR23b_SMgzOlAGEX7vgCiab5XH6wz21KIjJ/s1600/dirty+oz.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD47pTBta3BOuNo1yLcsEHKvq-dIsJcFxOV6P5mKRM0am6PAMmrcjyNzhhOAcGXdCoJaFtT7HxKeARkhgcpveL7v9Qz8HwokmFsRm9IfXnAtR23b_SMgzOlAGEX7vgCiab5XH6wz21KIjJ/s1600/dirty+oz.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">English expat watching a hedge grow?</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk38stIh_4vCTINMRkMIf7mLrnbcDc2FZJGw8OOUcCgxMzgSlQcYCSmg2lvYaSZPzXpd2DAHjGR4pzws8wv8SckHuxIEdi3DsH2claKOmsN-Qc5eQSeZqEnx_9rNngX8mPUxHSPygiTFrB/s1600/scary+squirrel.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk38stIh_4vCTINMRkMIf7mLrnbcDc2FZJGw8OOUcCgxMzgSlQcYCSmg2lvYaSZPzXpd2DAHjGR4pzws8wv8SckHuxIEdi3DsH2claKOmsN-Qc5eQSeZqEnx_9rNngX8mPUxHSPygiTFrB/s1600/scary+squirrel.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">English expat incognito with kidnapped orphans for tonight's dinner?</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRMhsMUELosGGGAyQ46DI1BzTOupkR6yEikfjewOYKuvnZpy8hFT33bM6amfyoV9H_Z5jj1Cz_Lg70RbopGVWkNIcLTcw6xypVc-eMpLE1VnAFGhpkF9Nz-RUrCsBQNGk6AUPpeZieyFwq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-09+at+10.18.26.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRMhsMUELosGGGAyQ46DI1BzTOupkR6yEikfjewOYKuvnZpy8hFT33bM6amfyoV9H_Z5jj1Cz_Lg70RbopGVWkNIcLTcw6xypVc-eMpLE1VnAFGhpkF9Nz-RUrCsBQNGk6AUPpeZieyFwq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-09+at+10.18.26.png" height="640" width="509" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">English expat babe down on the beach pretending to be a local?</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9I5ZEupyYjZFPxpmeJzDpDSU2nWSl_h2rlWOioO-R9fvQc5_UmGYIYU1Ei591bOo-2oMyJ_Ao4NlXgpbRK5CYr84CLpDclPRdAMfnK1MAMLaq7bfPr_v0dMfa9PUxDB0ZsIZhGTIJ-IJa/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-09+at+10.20.32.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9I5ZEupyYjZFPxpmeJzDpDSU2nWSl_h2rlWOioO-R9fvQc5_UmGYIYU1Ei591bOo-2oMyJ_Ao4NlXgpbRK5CYr84CLpDclPRdAMfnK1MAMLaq7bfPr_v0dMfa9PUxDB0ZsIZhGTIJ-IJa/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-09+at+10.20.32.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">UK citizen in their illegal gambling den?<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip9pOEd97NQ0qDGENgjyctQCGHJmy6IUHQCQqGKyxXq2o2nXdiEpbFXBxHCmwqMvIjFdz4FGmL9ueKw73dSCPz4JEvWQyQhJBDxsLQWOtKHP4gbCZQpx7eGcUuVsUUb2l5MMDeBF0CGAvm/s1600/witch2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip9pOEd97NQ0qDGENgjyctQCGHJmy6IUHQCQqGKyxXq2o2nXdiEpbFXBxHCmwqMvIjFdz4FGmL9ueKw73dSCPz4JEvWQyQhJBDxsLQWOtKHP4gbCZQpx7eGcUuVsUUb2l5MMDeBF0CGAvm/s1600/witch2.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Out and About Euro expat?</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEtcCSoGv6pJZb9A-dVK9uibqOluas-IpMWCGX2GelLx3HPf9ZeQaK2tMC6TF0q6Ya6yP2kGgVYnoJW_DgD0q9NE7isSEOKeNVRngI5iffGCG3Zj0LM0x2QbpIQuq0erhZpDTFO29np5_v/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-01+at+09.37.11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEtcCSoGv6pJZb9A-dVK9uibqOluas-IpMWCGX2GelLx3HPf9ZeQaK2tMC6TF0q6Ya6yP2kGgVYnoJW_DgD0q9NE7isSEOKeNVRngI5iffGCG3Zj0LM0x2QbpIQuq0erhZpDTFO29np5_v/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-06-01+at+09.37.11.png" height="640" width="372" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">An. English expat off to the opera?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"In our biased opinion, a ducking stool and public flogging is the only solution to get these hermits to see sense and participate in expat goings-ons."</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">GENERAL WARNING</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">MazReal urges all expats to steer well clear of this publicity shunning couple and a warning has gone out never to invite them to dinner or accept an invitation from them as you will never be sure if the chopped liver or veal escalopes on your plate are from an animal or from a rented cadaver. If you hear an English accent immediately call the leader, me, Z of the BIGNOB - The North Of The Border Expat Vigilante Group</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span>-------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"We NOBs love those simple cuddly people from somewhere underneath the globe - the OzzyStroulians. </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Fuck knows how they got here but they bring joy and laughter to any social occasion.</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br />They are world renown for their out-goingness, love of life, tickling alligators, going for long naked walkabouts in the bush, eating Eucalyptus leaves and lizards and perpetuating the myth that Crocodile Dundee was a real person who infatuated the whole of New York City through the act of disabling a mugger by knocking him out with a can of sweetcorn thrown from a hundred metres away in a teeming subway station.</span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Ozers are very gregarious and are to be seen at all openings or first nights. They can be picked out jovially slapping people on the back, punching them in the face and shouting in their ears. And once they even unexpectedly popped up in a house shouting </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"THERE'S A SHEAHRK IN THE BEY" </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">when an unsuspecting NOB opened his water bill whereupon he immediatly keeled over from a heart attack."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Moxie What Do You Get Up To?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b>Australian national treasure and 'character'<i> Moxie 'Crimefighter' Jones or </i></b></span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Bluey the Brain-Dead Boozer</b></i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b><i> </i>to his mates recounts his day in super-heated paradise.</b></span></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ4wNfuE7k56wiiW76IMwgUeuO4wKVeHDpd1Xs40L6EPtBHdsmN9nWAK46_tVZ6iJNmqpvMccVmWRz2FRSxMx6fTdnUgISNBaRpZrRcIBFiZfg-zjCLFfxpmE83_qUTprNoJ6XU2J5Db2y/s1600/lifeguard.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ4wNfuE7k56wiiW76IMwgUeuO4wKVeHDpd1Xs40L6EPtBHdsmN9nWAK46_tVZ6iJNmqpvMccVmWRz2FRSxMx6fTdnUgISNBaRpZrRcIBFiZfg-zjCLFfxpmE83_qUTprNoJ6XU2J5Db2y/s1600/lifeguard.png" height="640" width="464" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A drunken 'Bluey' warning our photographer to stay away or he'll turn him into a pretzel</td></tr>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Wot do yew git up to to Brain Dead? </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>"Its friggin' bonzer to be asked what I get up tew mate. Will lits stairt. </i></span><i><br /></i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm from a small shithole in the outer flyblown dirtback called Squatter's Crotch near Malonga Gilgachuckunder not a sheeps fart from Brizzie. Fuck knows how I got to this hotter than a sheep shearer's armpit country. A place my missus called paradise every bleeding second. Anyway </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">bunch of bastards </span></i><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">ere's how I got to be in this mozzie-ridden 'ellhole you . </span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I effing woke up one morning, grundies full of pee, in the cargo hold of a jumbuck rust bucket sheep (that's a sheep not sheep you bastards)after a buck's night in Brizvegas. And the last thing I remember was playing hide the sausage with a hottie as I must have been lit up like a Manly ferry. Oi reckons me mates, or her pissed orf hubbie, threw me in the sheep's hold for a bastard laugh. Not telling a porky I was mad as a cut snake, happy as a bastard on father's day and cranky as hell when I found out I was on the other side of the Pacific with my bellybutton stuck to my backbone and not a bastard boozer in sight.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Holyfuckindooly I said to myself when I heard those lamebrain stevedores (who were prodding me with sticks like I was lower than a snake's belly) speaking some fucking weird foreign language. Thinking they wuz jafas I ordered them to fetch me a tinnie becuz man was I parched with this feckin' brown bottle flu? </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"></span></i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I tell ye I was gobsmacked to be here in Mexico. </span></i><i><br /></i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">This is Mexico isn't it? </i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Anyway feeling like a reffo and a fucking drongo i had a good chunder and a Dingo's breakfast and stonkered. Lookin' like a shag on a rock I eventually found my way to Centro where I am now lying in this gutter.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i>Anyway after selling other people's furniture and things for beer money I managed to snag myself a hottie with big norks and now she's my missus and ball and chain hehehe. Only jokin' mate. She'll kill me if you tell her that. Mad as a meat axe and nuggety she is. She's also from the Lucky Country. Where else mate?</i></span><i><br /></i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><i></i></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">What do I do all day? Well let me tells ya? I walk up and down the bastard malecón all day saying "g'day mate I'm from Oz you bastard" to all the sheilas and sinking a few schooners in every rubbity dub along the way. When I get to the Shrimp bucket I have another snort and walk back down again. I do it all day till I've had a skinfull and am parking the tiger and as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition…… hehehe. Well, let's see, it's beer o'clock in Oz and cocktail o'clock 'ere in Maz. Time for another……OI BARMAN get yer self over here pronto."</i></blockquote>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhODQ2Zy9hGm4eVb1RdBCtJgj5KP2PigljuBSvGvWIDx4hgS0DQueW0f7luh9uoL1pNrRuwwEkA8E5wbKS9gHlf3al9FZ1EPSWQNL9Hgegq-0hvnaBNgZzBHt0VTTzQLy1kyk5RKwofbs9t/s1600/head+but.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhODQ2Zy9hGm4eVb1RdBCtJgj5KP2PigljuBSvGvWIDx4hgS0DQueW0f7luh9uoL1pNrRuwwEkA8E5wbKS9gHlf3al9FZ1EPSWQNL9Hgegq-0hvnaBNgZzBHt0VTTzQLy1kyk5RKwofbs9t/s1600/head+but.png" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Bluey taking action after finding one bar on his daily pub-crawl route is shut. Locals looking on in wonder at this idiot gringo.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">(A second later Bluey fell flat on his face in his own tiger park comotose</span>. <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">He is now in the cargo hold of a shrimp boat heading to Hawaii - Ed}</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span>
</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">--------------------------</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><b></b></i></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>Heddy What Do You Get Up To?</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><b>NOB Kiss 'n Tell Gossip Columnist Heddy Hopper</b></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span>
</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBlTbo3KfVUHsGcMz64NTFGIMCRIM6JiCqnbnyYheqDwcm9tLzzQWOqRX9avJOe6H0k3vQrIsut9OJ9T3s70F68Tao3ggZSS2XOmPV7VDUvsYXtauOwB-0F1YaK8l3d-K8caJJR1F3v1P-/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-01+at+10.00.47.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBlTbo3KfVUHsGcMz64NTFGIMCRIM6JiCqnbnyYheqDwcm9tLzzQWOqRX9avJOe6H0k3vQrIsut9OJ9T3s70F68Tao3ggZSS2XOmPV7VDUvsYXtauOwB-0F1YaK8l3d-K8caJJR1F3v1P-/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-01+at+10.00.47.png" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large; text-align: center;">Gimlet-Eyed Heddy Hopper sporting the famous hair-do that hides a magnum 45, her lunch, a bottle of vodka, an ice machine, cigarettes and her pet parrot Captain Blood. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="text-align: center;">Here she sits like a mummified corpse in her smoke fugged morning room scaring us half to death with that equally famous dead glazed expression which means a heady brew of rumour, gossip, scandal and horse tranquilizer is circulating like a bubbling witches brew inside her fuddled brain ready to be vomited out onto the pages of a local rag that we at MazReal are too terrified to mention by name.</span> </span></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;">"After spending most of the night with my lawyers making love and counter-suing ungrateful personages whose lives I have made a living hell, I wake up at 6 when it is time for my dose of ketamine and Xylazine which is about the time when my much loved 3 metre long pet python Reggie slides out from under the bed which he treats as his snake hole and demands a back scratch, skin peel and a cat for breakfast. Lucky it takes him a few months to digest an animal so feeding is no real problem until the time comes when I know he is peckish and I find myself waking up halfway down his gullet. Then I have to order our maid to go out and steal a cat or dog or homeless tramp to feed the cute serpent.</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4-nOiNmU0aUGys_EF-H_VaO0C0kJ4PIRQSim4MrJsIfYS7vM0RNXuoxpT4ZIWdralKppkBSQdv8SGxeeP4B6humhbtrNtsOsKg5jLKpovRLabCV8mdxHEeYxv0MbJG4T54AsGQg-6EDJL/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-05-21+at+12.18.24.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4-nOiNmU0aUGys_EF-H_VaO0C0kJ4PIRQSim4MrJsIfYS7vM0RNXuoxpT4ZIWdralKppkBSQdv8SGxeeP4B6humhbtrNtsOsKg5jLKpovRLabCV8mdxHEeYxv0MbJG4T54AsGQg-6EDJL/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-05-21+at+12.18.24.png" height="640" width="458" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Expat cat owners fearing HH's poison pen unless they bring their moggies along when it's feeding time for Reggie the Python</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Once his needs are taken care of I stroll to the malecón at about 7.12 am or 7.15 fm or maybe 14 o'clock am otherwise not in fact till 8.27:01 o'clock Venusian time in the am. </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;"></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Strolling that wonderful seaside boulevard breathing in the champagne quality of the dried prawn sea air cheerfully watching the hundreds of dog-owners taking pleasure scooping up steaming dog shit into little plastic bags and hanging the warm moist parcels from their wrist is such a joy to behold as it reminds me of my chosen career digging up the dirt of what's going down in Mazatlán.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace; font-size: large;"></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Along the way I meet all my NOB friends for a wine pour, a hug and a catch-up of the last day's scandal. A chai-triple tequila latte and a gourmet fried fish head bagel along with a catch-up, a book read and a hug with all my other friends at The Looney Bleeny, then it's off to Allegro for breakfast of quadruple margaritas where I meet all my other other friends for a knife sharpening class and a catch-up of what happened since we met at the Looney Spleen catching up, spilling the beans, shooting clays and gossiping. Later moving on to Molika Bistro for a pulp carpaccio, a wine tasting, a parachute jump and a catch-up with those friends I didn't catch up with at Allegros and those I caught up with last night at Pepitos-on-The Strand scandal bar and grill.</span></span></blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJRZeCKGrl-ANj58mukvp4labTY-sVzFGNHutbTuFkcOPqtqFVUpfAJLOxw3YXUcfblLIl9gJhelqwTrCVKbSWotI3sKFhuZxxYOedBUbCrXG6k2Jkx4sMPBc6XkJkIn-VD1xJEV0-VOqO/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-07-10+at+10July2011+7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJRZeCKGrl-ANj58mukvp4labTY-sVzFGNHutbTuFkcOPqtqFVUpfAJLOxw3YXUcfblLIl9gJhelqwTrCVKbSWotI3sKFhuZxxYOedBUbCrXG6k2Jkx4sMPBc6XkJkIn-VD1xJEV0-VOqO/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-07-10+at+10July2011+7.png" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Heddy and her friends and Uzbek eunuchs siestering and catching up in her Zebra skin leather penthouse on Fridge Hill.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; text-align: center;">After a much needed siesta, a bottle of green Chatreuse, a bowl of gourmet tripe and Indonesian Fusilier Fish Batang and a Skype conference virtual hug-a-thon and catch-up with all my friends from Zona Dorada and those from Playa Sur and Cerro de Viglía, its off to Plazuala Machado for a stroll and then we of the Italian neo-realist film discussion group get together and discuss Roberto Rossellini and the reasons for his </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #353535; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">shifts between time frames and points of view</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; text-align: center;">. It's here on the Plazuela where I meet </span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; text-align: center;">all</i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; text-align: center;"> my planetary and non-planetery friends and catch-up on the gossip from that afternoon when I was siestering and catching up on Skype. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">After that catch up and a hug we all debate on which political system is relevant for today's expat way of living. Then unanimously deciding the self-centred Ayn Randian system is the best for us we then debate on where to eat and meet and catch up. Sooo after a light gourmet snack of Tartar Yak steak from the steppes, a wine pour, a book club assignment, a gourmet chilli bake-off, a play rehearsal, a soup kitchen delivery to some piss-poor part of town and a catch up we all catch up on the roof of Jonathans for a gossip, a hug and a rumourama. Luckily Jonathans has all the amenities that us NOBs are accustomed to, like gold plated toilets and a high vantage point to get away from all the riffraff on the street.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">By the time I get home exhausted I have just enough energy to host a gourmet cook-a-rama and a catch up with all my friends around the Black Eye, Spiral and Nebula Galaxies, Burundi, Democratic Republic of Congo and Tongo.</span> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Phooey my poor calendar - it only has 365 days and I need at least 727.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Just time for one more blast of horse tranquilliser.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>Lety What Do You Get Up To? </b></span><br />
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<i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Maid - Lety Sanchez</span></b></i></blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3T2K86djX6sJNq-R-FQVK3SE-sHJO0D1qLHWkRUmK9bWHV6G4ET8DuwSGInnkHxjX5-bOhdG5JilkhO93hXzEfHO0lfLXZi8xn-3Sqtyi626k8-4-T5reIFM6V0M-TeJ-AFHTlr360vWw/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-31+at+19.22.29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3T2K86djX6sJNq-R-FQVK3SE-sHJO0D1qLHWkRUmK9bWHV6G4ET8DuwSGInnkHxjX5-bOhdG5JilkhO93hXzEfHO0lfLXZi8xn-3Sqtyi626k8-4-T5reIFM6V0M-TeJ-AFHTlr360vWw/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-31+at+19.22.29.png" height="640" width="441" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Gringa Maid Lety enjoying a drink that she she is allowed for lunch.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"I<b style="font-style: italic;"> </b>work for gringas. I have worked for gringas many years and is where I learned my English because they cannot speak Castillano and many have lived here for tens of years.</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I wake myself at 3 in the morning and clean the dust out my house, wash all our clothes under the outside tap, feed the dog, wake my children up, get my lazy man out of bed with a slap hahaha, make breakfast for the niños and get them off to school. They have to walk 4 kilometres to get to the bus top. My lovely man Tonio, takes his lunch that I have prepared and leaves for the chilli fields near Walamo 50 kilometres away where he picks chillies in the season. It is now 5 am and I have to get to the gringas house in Centro by 7. I walk 4 kilometres to the bus stop and two hours later I walk in the door just in time to make coffee for the gringa who is just waking up and shouting for me to hurry up - pronto pronto!</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I then get on my hands and knees and wash the floor of this very big house, iron all the clothes, feed the dogs and clean up their poopoo, make breakfast for the dueños and their 12 guests from USA in time for 10 o'clock. I clean the swimming pool, lick the windows clean, climb on the roof to fix the leak and when there is a tormenta I am told to stand on the roof holding the gringos golf club up in the air.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The gringa is now shouting at me in Spanglish to go get some tortillas for lunch and then prepare for her a salsa 'teepeeco Mexicanio'. It is afternoon now and señora X allows me 3 minutes for a coke, some mud and two tortillas filled with grass.</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">She has gringa friends coming to play a game called bridge or something so I have to prepare snacks and chilled drinks and stand by the door so they can hang their hats and umbrellas on me. The gringas laugh and say things like rubber, doubly dummy, void, suite and sometimes get angry. When they are drunk and asleep I am polishing the art works, the silver and cleaning the toilets and then I have to take the dogs for a walk still carrying their hats and umbrellas.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">It is now 6 pm and I am washing the dishes and cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. Señora X pays me the minimum daily wage of MXN $80.23 pesos which is Ok because the national average is MXN $65.58. My sister works for a gringa in Phoenix Arizona doing the same thing but she gets paid US$7.25 an hour. I am only thinking that the only way to survive is sit on the top of a train and cross the border to the USA. Maybe next year.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then she lets me crawl to my bus and I get home at 8 pm in time to feed the niños and wait for my husband to get back from the fields. I have time to take a shower, say hello to Tonio and then get to bed by midnight. Sometimes she might take me home in her car if she has nothing better to do. She is very generous sometimes even letting me go home on one Sunday afternoon every 6 months.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">At Christmas she makes me give her a MXN $100.00 gift." </span></blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZBhCh7fAZON_d6mb3E9zj6MaLAjegX79Tt0pyJxCfwImP1DasSSvsiQ3as2sjQ_wkGZSPu0eW-cDXvzJKzZhBH6RBorMfNxzgec3djbOvMImOgBgPl1C2aKfCKPuWXZzTDdGnoK07tk_I/s1600/New+York+Times+Photojournalism+-+Photography,+Video+and+Visual+Journalism+Archives+-+Lens+Blog+-+NYTimes.com-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZBhCh7fAZON_d6mb3E9zj6MaLAjegX79Tt0pyJxCfwImP1DasSSvsiQ3as2sjQ_wkGZSPu0eW-cDXvzJKzZhBH6RBorMfNxzgec3djbOvMImOgBgPl1C2aKfCKPuWXZzTDdGnoK07tk_I/s1600/New+York+Times+Photojournalism+-+Photography,+Video+and+Visual+Journalism+Archives+-+Lens+Blog+-+NYTimes.com-1.jpg" height="276" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lety's husband going to find work when the chilli harvest is over.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><b>De Dee What Do You Get Up To? </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><b>'Artist' - Delia 'Dee Dee" Schickengruber</b></i></span></blockquote>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8CLP1Nx83bUh6_IodLui0Vf10yG939iMZxhhjZCU2G0gG53Om2Uxq10-NbuArEp5-3t0TAfyc8xrWgOAj0XTXJNhDp8q1xBGBmriGuJOaSioJ4nxwi4lsRoBiNevKR9DKGSGEV13U6k_U/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-08-01+at+13.24.38.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8CLP1Nx83bUh6_IodLui0Vf10yG939iMZxhhjZCU2G0gG53Om2Uxq10-NbuArEp5-3t0TAfyc8xrWgOAj0XTXJNhDp8q1xBGBmriGuJOaSioJ4nxwi4lsRoBiNevKR9DKGSGEV13U6k_U/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-08-01+at+13.24.38.png" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Mazatlán is full of artists. Poodle artist Delia originally from somewhere NOB specialises in <i>'Tile By Numbers'</i> poodles. </span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Let's see what this wonderfully talented lady gets up on her day in super-heated purgatory.</span></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I am known as the Thomas Kinkade of poodle art because my poodles look like they have been 'painted with light' like that exquisite and talented poodle-haired artist who patented the phrase But if you look closer you will see my poodles are made of little square painted with light tiles.</span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And here above is an example of my wonderful tiling by numbers art that really enraptures (surely you mean captures - Ed)the essence of a poodle with a number 14 colour thingammy scarf. This piece is called Precious as it</span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> is a portrait of my life partner and poodle called Precious. </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Precious is number colour 64, whatever the name of that colour is with bits of the colour number 67. To get that natural poodle colour I tie her down for four minutes underwater in a bath of clothes die number 64 as it is my favourite poodle colour. The background is also my favourite dark colour and it is number 73 with a bit of 82 in there.</span></i></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am on the Art Walk with all the other wonderful artists and shop owners and knick knack shops and doodlers that are part of this wonderful winter thing called Art Walk Mazatlán. Art Walk is a platform that allows all the lovely artists to show off their best creative art sell goods from their shops.</span></i></span></blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxYtpMAvKXFxAjTCoVLhlf-Edq0Q3eWpJVoz05AsK12f09IPhVP_5jyAMNIY8RNZyID9AqeQnO29_YQk_zjRJ_iqZtR-_R0ihZ2TMoNne-ctg9fOgcO73CET4xK0HXWGFxWa6Vjy5ZFNqg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-01+at+15.08.04.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxYtpMAvKXFxAjTCoVLhlf-Edq0Q3eWpJVoz05AsK12f09IPhVP_5jyAMNIY8RNZyID9AqeQnO29_YQk_zjRJ_iqZtR-_R0ihZ2TMoNne-ctg9fOgcO73CET4xK0HXWGFxWa6Vjy5ZFNqg/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-01+at+15.08.04.png" height="640" width="512" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Poodle-lookalike and artist - the wonderful Dee Dee</span></td></tr>
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My day in this paradise is simple. Me and Precious walk the malecón in the morning which allows Precious to get a good sniff of all the other dog owners backsides and crotches. She is a tall dog and able to get her nose right up there much to the surprise and sometimes delight of the doggy owners. Pit bull owners are a bit less enraptured with a wet dogs nose up their arse so we steer well clear of them. </span></i></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I like to scoop up her warm doingses and carry them around with me sometimes showing them off to other dog owners who delight in comparing sizes and weights and textures with a little squeeze. Precious always wins in the large steaming dump stakes hahahah. I have been trying to organise an annual dog shit competition just like a vegetable competition where the biggest and best wins but Cultura have been difficult to get hold of since I suggested it to them last month. I did assure them that there are many dog owners who would just stampede to enter their pampered pooches poops.</span></i></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We then go have coffee at the Lonely Spleen Coffee joint to meet and hug friends and artists. You cannot swing a cat in Centro without it hitting an artist. Then it's on to Allegro but they do not allow life partner pooches inside so I tie Precious up a tree outside so other naughty dogs don't try to shag my thoroughbred bitch. I leave Precious up that tree outside Allegros as my next stop </span></i><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Molikas doesn't have its own tree outside.(something I am campaigning for) They both know me by name because I often harangue them about their 'no dog' policy and for not having a dog pissing tree outside. After a carpaccio at Molikas it's time that Precious and me go home just in time for cocktail o'clock hour in Australia and sit under the palapa on the roof deck and drink á deux till it's time to take me and Precious to bed.</span></i></span></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">J.J What Do Yew Git Up To?</span></b><br />
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Musician and professional dope smoker J.J.'Geetar Jo' Pickens</span></i></b></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXphpTykrQw4ujCiv6rhngzSeWrMjo0WJ7smCg2FrwtEln6qv6gEk04yFRV_tf-IDkhqucAplwYTJ-7Fb2esZ5FTik7N-z2u2ltmGaCH-lFFDxoRVMrxDgMxfSCn0-IrxOYYZpLOWO6RyS/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-05+at+10.22.16.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXphpTykrQw4ujCiv6rhngzSeWrMjo0WJ7smCg2FrwtEln6qv6gEk04yFRV_tf-IDkhqucAplwYTJ-7Fb2esZ5FTik7N-z2u2ltmGaCH-lFFDxoRVMrxDgMxfSCn0-IrxOYYZpLOWO6RyS/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-05+at+10.22.16.png" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">20 year old JJ taking a toke</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"Mazatlán where the fuck is that? I shoulda bin at a Grateful Dead gig in Victoria BC 15 years ago.</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> Thank God you woke me. Jesus let's go outside man it stinks in here have you farted or is it that dead horse over there?"</span></i> </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"This is my pad. Whadja think?"</span></i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"> he said stepping back and vaguely pointing to a green algae encrusted trailer home sitting on bricks with grass half way up the sides and a tree branch growing into the window and out the door.</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i>"I had something that pulled this trailer once but fuck knows where it is now. I reckon my man Chuy took it in payment for something."</i> he said squatting on his dirt encrusted haunches and spliffing up a carrot sized joint and lighting the end until it sizzled and spat sparks.</span></blockquote>
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"That's better. Takes the edge off man. What wrere saying? Oh yeh what is my typical day in Mazatlán you ask? Let's see."</span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What was that? </span> </span></blockquote>
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<i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I wake up at 6 and walk my pet rat Derek down the malecón, then I meet my friends at the Loony Floons Cafe and it's onto to Allegros for a 12 egg and 4 cheese scrambled eggs with green tea. That takes care of the munchies then it's on to Molikas for a tuna carpaccio. I return here for a drug infused siesta and head back to Plazuela Machado for a stroll for lots of hugs, a wine pour and a chitchat catch-up with best friends...........</span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; text-align: start;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Raul what do you get up to…?.</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Lil' Oral Annie made her way to NOMA where the super rich NOBs hangout to meet the notorious dentist and dedicated woman's man Raul 'Big Tuna' Sacamuelas </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><i><b>Dentist Raul Sacamuelas </b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">"What do I get up every day in perfect ten paradise. Lemme tell you baby. They don't call me Big Tuna for nothing as I spend my day chatting up toothsome babes in the prone position in my EEEZZEE Boy dental and gum massage chair. Strapping them firmly down, I fondle around inside their gasping gaping mouths with long thin things. That's what I do you naughty girl. Come here you lively dish.</span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Man, business is good and root canals are where it's at. So good in fact that I work from my 100 metre long yacht parked in the specially extended - you geddit - hahaha marina where I entertain and perform root canals, no double ententré intended hehhehhehhehehehehehe. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Woman only clients from North Of The Border stay here on my huuuuuge humungeous boat for their Root Canal and Sex Vacations. </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Open-mouthed expats is where the action is and here on my 500 metre shaggin' wagon is where I do it. Roots canals and tonsil massage, that where the spondulics lie hahahahahahahehehehehehehe. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Here you see me now, above, performing a rooty tooty frooty canal on a chiquita banana from somewhere up north. This publicity picture is taken in the surgery cum exploratory room on my eeeeenormous boat </span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The</i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> </span><i style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Gin and Jug Palace,</i><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"> by one of four stunning topless hotties who hang around the surgery handing me things that I stick in expat's mouths. </span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">I sometimes yank out teeth but normally give that job to Sergio our chef so I can spend more time shaggin' by the pool".</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Here is Sergio, The Chef with his assistant the pot wash boy and chimney sweep, ripping out a tooth thus allowing Raul more time to paw a cootie patootie by the pool.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">"I use the latest equipment from Tajikistan that allow me to be very 'hands on' , geddit -when a bad kitty is in the chair.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Hold me back there missie, you're a hot one. Wanna open your mouth for me and show me your teeth tackle….?" </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;">Rosina floored the creepy twat with big slap and jumped ship onto dry land pronto.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Thanks Rosina Revelle great job. We adore you.</span></span><br />
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<b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">MazReal advice<i> </i>on how to pass the summer in Mazatlán…….</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi81jwlyDFq8Ay3U5KKZk4MJNSVAN_V4nmyx7tgmFWJTFaJH-6ViVEqQDi415qyDJvmxHBhwytY8oiPqbrLstcD0620JpkZI_lC1LWySPuuZb9ujeZeJWpGm3po-AjeJiBsPZZ9kZD2fRtA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-19+at+14.17.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi81jwlyDFq8Ay3U5KKZk4MJNSVAN_V4nmyx7tgmFWJTFaJH-6ViVEqQDi415qyDJvmxHBhwytY8oiPqbrLstcD0620JpkZI_lC1LWySPuuZb9ujeZeJWpGm3po-AjeJiBsPZZ9kZD2fRtA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-07-19+at+14.17.31.png" /></a></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">Adios until the winter.</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this article are the
personal opinions of the invited guest hacks. MazReal is not responsible for the
accuracy, completeness, suitability, or validity of any information on
this article. All information is provided on-an as-is ba-sis, whatever that means. The
information, facts or opinions appearing in the article do not reflect
the views of MazReal and MazReal does not assume any responsibility or
liability for the same crap that's it's writers come up with.</b> <span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">©MazReal 2014</span>
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MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-62023894664774917072014-04-26T12:56:00.001-07:002014-04-26T12:57:06.867-07:00<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>LOUD IS THE NEW QUIET</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>STOP PRESS</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>Mazatlán is Officially Party Town Mexico. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>MazReal Move To Kiev Ukraine Where It Is Quieter. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>Bird Craps on Mayor's Car.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>Shock Announcement by Mayor 'Handsome Sal' Salvador Garzón : " <i>Mazatlán Is No Place For Virgins.</i>"</b></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">New Billboard Poster with this warning will be unveiled at all Mazatlán Entry Warnin</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mazatlán was the New Zacatecas for a short while, now it seems mayor Sal 'Sally Boy' Garzón<span style="color: #3e4349;">, </span>his right-hand man Jorge 'El Patrón' Unger and his left-hand man Anibal 'The Hannibal' Gonzalez </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">have designated Mazatlán, particularly around Olas Altas, officially Sleaze City. "We want our state name to describe our city - SINaloa Hahahhah." Sal said.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyone who lives in Mazatlán knows the mayor has been hosting back-to-back parties since the French invasion in 1209 sponsored by beer. There has been Easter Week, Carnival Week and coming to the end of Moto Week. Next week is Week Week followed by Beer Week, Music Week, Rent Boy Week, Pink Week etc etc till the end of time. That biggie celebrated by Fucking Great Big Asteroid Week . Unfortunately devoid of sponsorship as Pacifico will already be on that escape rocket to Mars.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Party Town Mexico or Nueva Cancún as we want to re-christen it, is where anything goes and the music is<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>LOUD. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"We want to be known as the town where the music is the loudest." screamed 'El Patrón' through a megaphone. "Loud is the new quiet." he continued.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Consequently this will be the last post we upload from Mexico as MazReal and it's staff are moving themselves to Kiev in The Ukraine where we are assured it is much quieter. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Sal Decrees:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Paseo Claussen will be pedestrianised from the big flag to the metal man playing a piano at the foot of the hill on the other side. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Every 10 metres will be a band stand playing music every night from 6pm to 6am, 7 nights a week. </span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The road will be lined with food stalls, cock-fighting arenas, speak-easies, tattoo parlours, sin-bins, card sharps, juice joints and lollygaggers. </span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Every restaurant and beer joint will have to host a band that plays Creedence Clearwater Revival numbers and out of tune Beatles covers at loudness level 11.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Riot police will patrol and will be under strict orders to throw people against the wall for a quick frisking and kicking and batoning if they look suspicious and are seen not be enjoying themselves. </span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The streets linking Paseo Claussen to Plaza Machado will also be closed to traffic allowing late night revellers to use it as a public pissoir and route where they can shout and giggle loudly at all hours of the night. </span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Locals and Gringos alike who live in Centro Historic will have to prove to Salvados 'Tough Sal' Garzón (also known as 'Tico' to his kids, '14th Street Steve' to his servant, 'Louie Ha Ha' to his wife and behind his back 'Sal The Gofer' or 'Little Sally' or 'Johnnie Sausage' by his secretary and car wash lackey and rent boy Jesús) that they are party animals and if proven to be boring old farts, they will be rounded up and sent to live amongst the rocks on Goat Hill.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-large;">Yes, Mazatlán is designated No Place For Virgins.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A public awareness campaign aimed mainly at women is now underway to demonstrate how to 'floozify' oneself. As Salvador <i>'Las Vegas Pete'</i> Garson recently proclaimed :</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"All red-blooded Mexican men love a floozie." using trendy vernacular</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> from the prohibition era so as to appear 'street'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of the few women in the administration, </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Esther Villapanda Acosta head of the department for the Token Woman Department </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">was told to take a holiday while the all-male plan to loosen-up women was put into practice with leaflets and instructive guides.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ace Reporter Dirk 'Dirk' Dirkerson reports:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instructive Guides after the break.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>1/ Sofa Etiquette and Gymnastics</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Obviously the first thing to teach a woman is where to sit on a sofa so that she has no chance of ever being able to get away from the advances of a man and then once wedged The Man can get to work on loosening her up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>2/ Kissing and Tonguing Technique</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4TL3SCxsDlQp9ha4uQnVKeTdT7loNJQMmRu2oM9G5lcgRo869T9oTwAt8vd9XVcgRh-C5LVhTlVGh4S-HhXuhEC9MLL-F9oSCoXFd00mB2Gd3WhYkU_slaNWKuHhnlZ9hxVuaVjJ1RYHT/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-15+at+13.34.33.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4TL3SCxsDlQp9ha4uQnVKeTdT7loNJQMmRu2oM9G5lcgRo869T9oTwAt8vd9XVcgRh-C5LVhTlVGh4S-HhXuhEC9MLL-F9oSCoXFd00mB2Gd3WhYkU_slaNWKuHhnlZ9hxVuaVjJ1RYHT/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-15+at+13.34.33.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After placing a hand on the wrist or thigh, the kiss would generally come next. Judging by the poster above, mouth size seems to be a concern for the administration but whatever the size of the mouth, the Vacuum kiss or the 'Sucking the dentures, bridge, teeth filling down the throat kiss' or the 'Pigeon Feeding Its Young Food Regurgitation Kiss' is always a good one to start with. The lady will soon allow her moral veil to slide even if The Man has just smoked a cigar after a meal, say, of salt cod and gherkins and motza balls or Chicken Kiev and Lamb Korma.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>3/ Long Distance Visual Communication Instruction Classes</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzQf0ajHUwErGiunNHvYL7pQlQZGcuHniqQ9yl2_pNFtFFq4zZX7Bjhf8zAh8yWV7IJCPnUz3xcjhSkaUKA79bfBfEN50ePanB-DOHgiqDEpJKBTdIqvPq9OdgEB20KNweH8z_K5awIlkQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-18+at+07.51.20.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzQf0ajHUwErGiunNHvYL7pQlQZGcuHniqQ9yl2_pNFtFFq4zZX7Bjhf8zAh8yWV7IJCPnUz3xcjhSkaUKA79bfBfEN50ePanB-DOHgiqDEpJKBTdIqvPq9OdgEB20KNweH8z_K5awIlkQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-18+at+07.51.20.png" height="461" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Free clases will be held to show ladies how to use the language of the semaphore, the telegraphy method to convey from a distance visual signals that will allow men to approach safely without getting a kick in the cojones</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pamphlets will be pushed through doors showing everyone how NOT to do things</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>4/ Going Steady</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEpHnlWGU1_Mk-GVTZtJUyM2gHe0ok5EiDrpHw_tMTr2KvDqpIy98AvEianDAT8AzBHxvhb0DPaEoFiPXtR3Kw8zaSCcrpvTE0BBMTgMlvlYt-FyFGWSEPjHkQBrV1Sbz1U0V0Ehtta6_6/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-02-17+at+20.20.45.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEpHnlWGU1_Mk-GVTZtJUyM2gHe0ok5EiDrpHw_tMTr2KvDqpIy98AvEianDAT8AzBHxvhb0DPaEoFiPXtR3Kw8zaSCcrpvTE0BBMTgMlvlYt-FyFGWSEPjHkQBrV1Sbz1U0V0Ehtta6_6/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-02-17+at+20.20.45.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Going Steady is NOT good…..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>5/ Dancing Groin Distance Instructions</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwSgTL5q-2Jhm_3OyqCL26Tjnjb2Y4mExVHvAPFs6Kkfp_n7t677OnjMnE6TC38NdyK_qFm0iCflKXMseeOpephxasUfFqKHdlfqykoK97j15U-_H_J8Y3dSgneLD29VNuvqFiVgXznGC7/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+10.00.58.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwSgTL5q-2Jhm_3OyqCL26Tjnjb2Y4mExVHvAPFs6Kkfp_n7t677OnjMnE6TC38NdyK_qFm0iCflKXMseeOpephxasUfFqKHdlfqykoK97j15U-_H_J8Y3dSgneLD29VNuvqFiVgXznGC7/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+10.00.58.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">……and leaving a bible sized groinal gap when dancing is another No No.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY1ogfkecx8Lo_n5TAFmBJu0nfjOLKuYMrXb1ZfQ7u-EzKkD73_Qu2Dvnh1ChLYCXwAx-umvX9dyPx0bUM4WMsvTOSWRRZ0wXlskxRlElZeI67QS6gR9kJgYm6iWoAGJEFHf6hVDB2zMRj/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-04-26+at+09.19.17.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY1ogfkecx8Lo_n5TAFmBJu0nfjOLKuYMrXb1ZfQ7u-EzKkD73_Qu2Dvnh1ChLYCXwAx-umvX9dyPx0bUM4WMsvTOSWRRZ0wXlskxRlElZeI67QS6gR9kJgYm6iWoAGJEFHf6hVDB2zMRj/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-04-26+at+09.19.17.png" height="640" width="307" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And Positively NO women with hairy faces </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>6/ Panty to Knee Distance Limits</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfsuWONYzPoWR1pazfhD8U69jVNq8laabSoxvg3oPS-g0VHUyrY6H0ToyWxqRDTvswtx2ASQcRkMkiwq887LmPk0t3fHDKpqCdd-Kmo3gBnGgf4aQv_41BuCwz194kDe1hSXdFK4NoW1lu/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-28+at+09.46.11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfsuWONYzPoWR1pazfhD8U69jVNq8laabSoxvg3oPS-g0VHUyrY6H0ToyWxqRDTvswtx2ASQcRkMkiwq887LmPk0t3fHDKpqCdd-Kmo3gBnGgf4aQv_41BuCwz194kDe1hSXdFK4NoW1lu/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-28+at+09.46.11.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Policemen on fast moving bicycles dangerously wielding notepads, sharp pencils and tape-measures will size-up women to make sure the pant line is a metre above the knee. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Perfect Butt Dimensions</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwW51JhgRqu_Q5ff4K8GwZ24-9ue8Wp2lIU7VbyLeOi8z7wb3UAjwEWn7bl0b9fiWmgpYqp5YM6Y7jWv1gyhUMvZ-5mkBLe6W4C9xTuEr7AgQyAjADjwpr3F8Hu8i1bZuMg6Hlobh-j2KJ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-18+at+12.51.39.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwW51JhgRqu_Q5ff4K8GwZ24-9ue8Wp2lIU7VbyLeOi8z7wb3UAjwEWn7bl0b9fiWmgpYqp5YM6Y7jWv1gyhUMvZ-5mkBLe6W4C9xTuEr7AgQyAjADjwpr3F8Hu8i1bZuMg6Hlobh-j2KJ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-18+at+12.51.39.png" /></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mayor <i>'El Taco the artichoke King'</i> Garzón firmly believes men love a woman who carries a quote <i>Broad Beam </i>unquote has decreed a royal proclamation that those women bearing a skinny behind will go two to a pair of pants to make up the deficit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>How To Capture Women Without The Need For A Gladiator Net </b></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOTR9J2nibMt6gV8rbbwxblMm7brTbVKCcuH5k8tbLnJjfPxCSyUBlL4ghOl0VNPDRt7b6e7e51XXGU0rf2MQ_gVA94yBJYtHVmk4fT1J-afyiO1QwvtI8rRWTVM0l0griWTQUyT5y9JmO/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-28+at+10.44.51.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOTR9J2nibMt6gV8rbbwxblMm7brTbVKCcuH5k8tbLnJjfPxCSyUBlL4ghOl0VNPDRt7b6e7e51XXGU0rf2MQ_gVA94yBJYtHVmk4fT1J-afyiO1QwvtI8rRWTVM0l0griWTQUyT5y9JmO/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-28+at+10.44.51.png" height="400" width="292" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Suave ERM Magazine staff writer Tony 'The Cock" Zancocchio.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The administration has jumped on an idea from the latest lead story in the local rag ERM Magazine where the suave staff writer Tony <i>'The Cock'</i> Zancocchio (seen holding his cock and suavely twirling its tail feather ) explains how he captures women, not utilising the tired old method of charging at them and tossing a gladiator net over them but with the more efficient way of promising them a lift in his expensive Bentley when actually it is a golden 'death trap' pulmonia he turns up in. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With the use of the accepted journalistic practice of taking quotes out of context and turning them into whatever we think they should mean he said...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"M<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">y ultimate objective crystal-clear," he continued heartlessly. "I organised and executed a strategic plan in the most efficient manner possible."</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">This statement we interpreted in meaning many things: </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">a: with a </span></span></span></span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">crystal clear objective he has organised and executed efficient strategic executive plans </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">b: he's organised and exacted crystal clear plants</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">c: with a crystal pear pan he has executed his objective shaves</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"> when what he in fact means, cutting through the journalist jargon of the scandal mag that ERM is, </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">is he has executed his captured partner because his manhood and cock fighting syndicate is on the line.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><b>Tyre Changing Instructions For Women</b></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWVyMhNwYlg1SXD9NqHO2dR17BrsrKXFOTABya7vTV014iCZNJ86ZAWS4u8JEArB1zD3J81ySzJ2dfuOKVoLG4cipWrrRraWpk47hX3DnYt-8pIEMVhHadpyGYW7jQeLV74X0_sHUOTBs3/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-03-12+at+14.10.09.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWVyMhNwYlg1SXD9NqHO2dR17BrsrKXFOTABya7vTV014iCZNJ86ZAWS4u8JEArB1zD3J81ySzJ2dfuOKVoLG4cipWrrRraWpk47hX3DnYt-8pIEMVhHadpyGYW7jQeLV74X0_sHUOTBs3/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-03-12+at+14.10.09.png" height="640" width="438" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guaranteed to loosen up any woman is instruction in synchronised tyre changing and lifting whilst wearing the national dress of the BuntuAbantu tribe of Central West Africa.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>How To Make Ugly Men More Attractive To Women In Order To Loosen Them Up</b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCn01hlioq8PQkKQA28pAm0qKZBskTZZx6btL2up7Xh-x_wCxfmbnDFsVg8B9gwgrZcLENThsazR-lZK5QBqbKtlraybFmRpQsMmX0WtxMuv6axyYCyQ4X7MEOntrBJWV0NPqz-_Gof8dl/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-03-06+at+14.05.36.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCn01hlioq8PQkKQA28pAm0qKZBskTZZx6btL2up7Xh-x_wCxfmbnDFsVg8B9gwgrZcLENThsazR-lZK5QBqbKtlraybFmRpQsMmX0WtxMuv6axyYCyQ4X7MEOntrBJWV0NPqz-_Gof8dl/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-03-06+at+14.05.36.png" height="640" width="461" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Local barbers have been given this poster of accepted hair styles that the Mazatleco Men have to chose from to make sure the women swoon at their feet. Anything else is banned including baldness. Asked his opinion of he new style, a man on the street said </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeh I'll go for those. They're what every man is wearing in San Fransisco today. At least we have 16 to choose from. Those poor men in North Korea only have one."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A new Official Ayuntamiento Approved Menswear Shop - Senor Flogs - is opening 120 branches in Olas Altas where the classy Uzbekistani designer Zokirtoj 'Eleganza' Almatov has had a hand in making men irresistible to women and men alike. Below the lucky designer in his lab coat he designed himself showing just how irresistible he is. Or is he in fact just saying that when in fact he is changing into a leopard.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: left;">Zokirtoj 'Eleganza' Almatov </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dental Assistants :</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As Mazatlán has become the Dental Holiday Root Canal Destination for every cheapskate Canadian and US citizen requiring stuff done inside their mouths, the dental assistants, generally women, have been ordered by a draconian decree from Salvador ' The Lord High Executioner' Garzón to smarten up their act and fraternise with the patients in a 'No Holds Barred Manner'.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>The Results Of The Decree are Coming In Thick and Fast</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salvador ' Joe Bananas' Garzón's actions in making our town a no-virgin no go-area have been showing positive results as seen from the recent pictures from MazReal ace photographer Zeke 'The Snapper' Colhoughy. Mazatlán is fast becoming the floozie capital of all CatholicLand south of the border.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Women are found to be boozing from the bottle neck half-naked in hotel corridors….. (surely you mean half-naked boozing - Ed)</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr06rET4XGh9nBl50VSg5ouWzrwuDRTYRkuYtv-JRV0aXf_aypjg3fCExB4ten3ZmbSVLrK7XjVHc-ySVpkmYA58EyxSbxnuK5IL6mvGNSH2OTvVvd42tZ9yKw8QBEh6_MkSZubosOZ9-5/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.19.15.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr06rET4XGh9nBl50VSg5ouWzrwuDRTYRkuYtv-JRV0aXf_aypjg3fCExB4ten3ZmbSVLrK7XjVHc-ySVpkmYA58EyxSbxnuK5IL6mvGNSH2OTvVvd42tZ9yKw8QBEh6_MkSZubosOZ9-5/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.19.15.png" height="640" width="488" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">… selling themselves on the side outside the Ginger Bread house of Panama Bakery...</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyDAEGZ9NHI12p-kBgjsmOWEHkM6iYXVvu5ZQVITCs0lr3Z2UYYV9V-MpoPGW_tsOmKGsxJfzRJkLan-eXhqhi5qN2J6vZc7LktfmG4qNzM94nehQ8xjg0e4Qyr8LATmrXwxBGVYLNDiyU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-10+at+14.34.16.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyDAEGZ9NHI12p-kBgjsmOWEHkM6iYXVvu5ZQVITCs0lr3Z2UYYV9V-MpoPGW_tsOmKGsxJfzRJkLan-eXhqhi5qN2J6vZc7LktfmG4qNzM94nehQ8xjg0e4Qyr8LATmrXwxBGVYLNDiyU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-10+at+14.34.16.png" height="634" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">….demanding money outside cantinas...</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGkQ7RBAwAWW_jICpKppWzGu-R8Z5XdSK9-g0LRTScruljhcm2ukSiQ5sD5e6V9ygBKWROdPlT3rWh9Tob4-sL4ghv-VBcd6gTJVF377neZqP-gY7_Zu11AD3aBj-a7Lg45qmyG8GX5FgB/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-27+at+19.15.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGkQ7RBAwAWW_jICpKppWzGu-R8Z5XdSK9-g0LRTScruljhcm2ukSiQ5sD5e6V9ygBKWROdPlT3rWh9Tob4-sL4ghv-VBcd6gTJVF377neZqP-gY7_Zu11AD3aBj-a7Lg45qmyG8GX5FgB/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-27+at+19.15.13.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">…fixing their own bullet wounds sustained in shoot-outs over men</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">…enticing sausage eating men of German extraction by wearing the latest sausage fashion from Bavaria</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The sofa etiquette has paid off as Lupita from Centro shows the correct way to watch telenovelas and be sexy at the same time when her 'Man' comes to visit with his parents.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Ladeez from the Lucksaw Levitating Group are making themselves available to men by scraping off the flakey paintwork on their doors whilst their 'Man' lies drunk on the floor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is a woman for every man as these twins Lupita and Lupita from Calle Zaragoza can testify to all the twin men out there. "Come and get us you naughty look-alike boys." they chirped in unison.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Salvador 'Billy Fingers' Garzón and his cohorts have gone too far, in our editorial opinion, by opening a chain of Motels on the outskirts of town in a bid to further cement their dictatorial decree in making Mazatlán the universe's loudest party town.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEkEoBmKg8YMdEMX2ZuU60KqmvDc0MA2vyICqajCrwIuslaQmNm6ENvzVFj9iJD6rZIS2tvJaDtf-qx1M_LeZV6UcOPS03bvBYzR5ggJRk8eOii8saxxp65W6yE3dguw6jwOZfFpH-KHQM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-27+at+08.03.02.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEkEoBmKg8YMdEMX2ZuU60KqmvDc0MA2vyICqajCrwIuslaQmNm6ENvzVFj9iJD6rZIS2tvJaDtf-qx1M_LeZV6UcOPS03bvBYzR5ggJRk8eOii8saxxp65W6yE3dguw6jwOZfFpH-KHQM/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-02-27+at+08.03.02.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"To sum up. Here's the clientele we are looking for." barked 'Little Ceasar' hammering his fist on the table upsetting the bottles of tequila and red-eye drinkin' ethanol. "We want bare-chested carousing pirate sailors and their happy-go-lucky wenches for our city of laughter , noise and lights." he giggled and continued "In fact we are sending out a party invitation to our drunken Oztralian cousins. Come here all is forgotten you Ozzie bastards." he then fell asleep into his soup.</span><br />
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Happy New Year!! MazReal staff have returned to the unseasonably warm weather and set up temporary office on the visiting Greenpiece ship Rainbow Warrior thanks to our promise to campaign against the overfishing of fish and to give them the the credit card details we hacked from Snapfish accounts. Having just returned from incarceration in that sucked-dry <i>(editor. Surely you mean fucked-up?)</i> country of Zimbabwe, we are ecstatic to be back in this wonderful city of New Zacatecas or NoZac for all those wannabes who live in NoMa. Yes New Zacatarse (If you didn't know, Mazatlán is now called New Zacatecas, an important point that all the expat publications have failed to pick up on*.)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB32y6oQx7gCaS4hUnqN1IbHpFeLoaJ1v-PLcrGyDiHfi0IbL68Tbr3AEXF3gLsrYxkLFxJeuvrKC-doLIrYfkIS5YhOJhyRyBJxRG3o5zFloiUmhL8GmJmD2mA8LB1jV7m5QHMRwTJ_O0/s1600/Varsity+deadbeats+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB32y6oQx7gCaS4hUnqN1IbHpFeLoaJ1v-PLcrGyDiHfi0IbL68Tbr3AEXF3gLsrYxkLFxJeuvrKC-doLIrYfkIS5YhOJhyRyBJxRG3o5zFloiUmhL8GmJmD2mA8LB1jV7m5QHMRwTJ_O0/s1600/Varsity+deadbeats+copy.jpg" height="502" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dazed and confused MazReal Staff after having being released from "The Black Hole Of Zimbo' , the notorious jail in Mugabeland.</td></tr>
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<i>*The ever-so canny Mazatlán ( now New Zacatecas) Ayuntamiento worried by the prospective lack of tourists because of the lack of beds lacking in the lack of lacklustre hotels and under the orders of the crazed Feloonytoon PAN administration, changed the name to that of the even more popular city somewhere south and east of here in the Free and Sovereign State of Old Zacatecas. </i><br />
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<i>So desperate for beds are they, that Deer Island is to be turned into an endangered bird and seal shooting hotel with spewing volcano and 24-7-365 Treasure Island Reality TV show featuring ex-carnival beauty queens wearing Raquel Welsh jaguar skin bikinis armed with spades looking for pirate treasure.</i><br />
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<i>"<b>This city of Old Zacatecas (OldZac) gets all the tourists that are meant for Mazatlán, so we are damned well going to change our name to New Zacatecas or NoZac to please our NoMa residents and get them all back even if we have to send the Marineros over to kidnap them gringos at gunpoint." shouted a crazed frothing-at-the mouth official.</b></i><br />
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<i>"Let the governor of that naughty PRI run state sue." he continued "….and I'll send our aircraft carrier to sort that communist scumbag out." </i></b><br />
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2014 news after the jump...<br />
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This month's guest reporters are no other than <span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 13px;">Admiral Sir Reginald Aylmer Ranfurley Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax</span></span> the roving reporter from the Emerald Isle who found himself recently washed up on Olas Altas and who now lives in a cardboard box in MEGA car park.<br />
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<i> '"The last feckin' ting I knew I was having a wee feckin' drink in The Jolly Bearded Irishman pub in feckin' County Cork Ireland last week."he exclaimed in his usual cross-eyed snarling manner. "Who the fek are you?"</i> he said falling face down on the concrete.<br />
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….and the tabloid fixture Ellie-May <span style="background-color: white; color: #464646; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twistleton-Wykeham-Fiennes</span></span> (cousin of then famous explorer and hard man Rannulph something-or-other) who will be delightfully adding her fragrance to the social, food and naked men's wrestling columns.<br />
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"Delighted." she purred<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1C7qvWJC5EpUIHy5lda3T4ISRA2_eGgOXR3VcxdM7PLdsMwb_2TAO3OsVLRNJeEDjj6zoRwVcXF91PGsgjbVlGsEsDZwTu22aESIU93shsvieRmBrpBdzSv9Up_2s4pzW_hBNWL1Du4TW/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-08-27+at+19.52.15.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1C7qvWJC5EpUIHy5lda3T4ISRA2_eGgOXR3VcxdM7PLdsMwb_2TAO3OsVLRNJeEDjj6zoRwVcXF91PGsgjbVlGsEsDZwTu22aESIU93shsvieRmBrpBdzSv9Up_2s4pzW_hBNWL1Du4TW/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-08-27+at+19.52.15.png" height="320" width="226" /></a></div>
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<b>EATING and DRINKING</b><br />
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"We have an etiquette of eating and drinking in this newly named town of Neo Zacytechy and any of you out there who don't like it can just climb back on that boat from whence you came and bugger off back to that country of France where anything goes.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alphonsos in Plaza Machado.</td></tr>
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<b>1. Dogs in restaurants.</b><br />
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This city is a city of dog lovers and doggy tolerant eating joints. It is a city where we really don't mind if you cannot be bothered to clean up after your mutt has pooped next to kids playing on the beach. You see, the waves will just wash the crap away as they do with all the other garbage you are too bone-idle to carry back home with you. We are very tolerant of our smelly four-legged friends and we invite you to bring 'em along so they may sit and dine with you. Here, above, is the pet-tolerant restaurant <i>Alphonsos Tyrolean Pasta and Schnitzel Dog Lovers Joint</i> in the Plazuelo Machado where dogs and parrots are actively encouraged and kids are actively discouraged.<br />
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"I love dogs", says Alphonso "and I hate kids. They're dirty smelly, drop hair, harbour fleas and bark and only want to eat raw meat and Chum. Whereas to the pooches we can serve simple hamburgers and fries from the Little Doggy Menu."<br />
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I asked him if he surely had dogs confused with kids.<br />
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Barking and cocking his leg against a tree he galloped off to the kitchen but not before I had to reprimand him severely for trying to sniff my crotch.<br />
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<b>2. Meet The Meat Chef. </b><br />
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Horse meat is all the rage in France but the Chinese are complaining that their donkey meat contains meat from other bovine animals and are planning a war on the Japanese for stealing their islands which have meat on them and the Brits are themselves mobilising troops to attack Eastern Europe because they suggest that those damn foreigners are introducing horse meat into their mad-cow cow meat. Not to be left out the majority of US citizens are complaining that the double 16 oz hamburger patties on their sandwiches are too damn small so they have lobbied the government to bomb the shit out of Argentina, Nebraska, Texas and Kansas on the pretext that they are harbouring WMD but we all know they want to take control of the meat and hog production and allow Obama some favourable ratings before he steps down.<br />
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But here in Nuevo Zackers we can be assured that our donkey meat is really what is it says it is. Famous local chef <i>Zizzi 'Cleaver' Gondola</i> can always be seen on Tuesdays trawling the state with his chauffeur on the look out for the plumpest, natural grass fed donkeys. Here we caught up with him laughingly sitting pillion at speed back to town so the donkey steak can be fresh on your table within minutes.<br />
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"I pride myself on the donkey still chewing its cud when I slap it onto the wooden killing block in my kitchen off Plaza Machado." laughingly chortled Cleaver. '<i><b>From farm to Your table'</b></i> is the mantra we all preach here in this delightful town of Neve Zacklesahl."<br />
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<i>'Cleaver'</i> is owner and chef at the famous <i>Zizzi's Venetian Equidae Asinus Africanus Restaurant. </i>He says he cannot get enough domesticated animal meat products and has to serve 'floor scraping' pork products on Tuesdays while he is out looking for <i>'<b>Farm From To Your Table'</b></i> animal products.<br />
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<i><br /></i>Zizzi's Matre Dee, the lovely Bertha, points to a sign on the wall with her right finger and shows off a 'floor scraping' long dark thing inside a cardboard container<br />
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A devotee of 'floor scraping' wieners who wishes to remain anonymous takes advantage of the wiener Tuesdays to indulge herself.</div>
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To reinforce the fact that our restaurants are not serving enough <b><i>Fram To El Mesa</i></b> meat on Tuesdays, expat women groups have taken to the streets bearing placards demanding more meat and meat related products and less bean stew and wienerschnitzels and related floor scraping products.<br />
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Some have even taken to tying themselves to the New Zacatecas to Guadalajara railway line in protest<br />
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Flame-haired Ginger Rogers (no relation) says "I will stay as long as Tuesdays are banned."<br />
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Sergio the engine driver says "I am happy to sit here staring at her for as long as it takes."<br />
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…and others have taken the more drastic measures of arming themselves and taking to the mountains to shoot venison and related products in guerrilla-style Tuesday hunting parties.<br />
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Anything found in the kitchen can be utilised to get this Feltain Administration to uphold the ban on Tuesday donkey and horse related products. These expat ladies below armed with their kitchen utensils mean business.<br />
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"As long as my frozen donkey burger doesn't come from Uzbekistan is all I can say." muttered the one with the baseball slugger.<br />
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"We'll slaughter anyone who offers us the vegetarian option in any of the Centro Historico eating joints on any Tuesday." growled the one with the Uzi (they declined to give their names but we know they are all from the frozen tundras of Canada where they are known to kill all manner of animals)<br />
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We are on your side ladies………<br />
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and suggest the Feltone administration just ban Tuesdays for good.<br />
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On the ill fated day ofTuesday all expat men head down to the Parrot Bar and Boistro and get seriously drunk.<br />
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The Expat Women's Wagon Temperance Group have taken the opportunity of the civil unrest in downtown historic zone to come out and demand their menfolk decide between going back to U.S. and drinking booze as many expats are finding it preferable to fall off the wagon than go back and live in the United States.<br />
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We all agree that the stoney-faced women protestors below will send the men sprinting to the liquor store. Their temperance campaign will do nothing, in our collective editorial opinion, to curb the expat men's Tuesday excess boozing. We really think these bad-tempered do-gooders bugger off to whence they came or else we'll do something.<br />
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Back to Food and the '<i style="font-weight: bold;">Frim Fram To Table'</i> campaign.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiei-kftwzS-CWcKvKLyWUQKX6vrIgSLfqQ87hxd3apKwUY9GLMAHoVLE0bGfoBKTFlbLFLbCgnjxbWXSXilyZkJE_A9cepU_0NhYUAyhqrasR7kxR8vTFFv9x0wQDBoZ4AUcPXHw5p8PQU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.21.55.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiei-kftwzS-CWcKvKLyWUQKX6vrIgSLfqQ87hxd3apKwUY9GLMAHoVLE0bGfoBKTFlbLFLbCgnjxbWXSXilyZkJE_A9cepU_0NhYUAyhqrasR7kxR8vTFFv9x0wQDBoZ4AUcPXHw5p8PQU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.21.55.png" height="416" width="640" /></a></div>
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Ellie-May <span style="background-color: white; color: #464646; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Twistleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, our culture, men's naked wrestling in olive oil and food </span></span><span style="color: #464646;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">commentator is seen taking advantage of the meat crisis to show us how to eat spaghetti at Tony's on The Plaza.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #464646;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">"I eat at Tony Mobsters on the Plaza and I don't give a damn how many different animals are minced into my Bolognese." she gushed through a mouthful of something red, "He's Italian and his Mama aka "Mimi The Mad Dog" Pinzolo's tomato paste recipe is to die for and when combined with his Auntie - Georgia "The Grim Reaper" Scarpaccio's bolognese sauce, man, I'd …... . ." </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #464646;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"> Lost for words Elli-May fainted and fell face-first into her spaghetti.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #464646;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span style="color: #464646;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Chef and Owner <i>Tony "Tough Tony" Bompensiero</i> or <i>"Tony the Bomp"</i> or <i>"Little Nicky" </i>or "<i>Chee Chee' Dimayo</i> or <i>"Old Man" Tony</i> as he will no doubt be known was not there to comment as he is doing time in Sing Sing, Riker's Island and Folsom concurrently and then onto Attica Correctional Institute when he gets through with those notorious lock-ups. </span></span><br />
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<b>SIERRA MADRE CHEESE WAR SCOOP!!!</b><br />
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<b><i>From The Frim To Your Table</i> </b>campaigners have discovered a thought-to-be-lost lost tribe of Dutch Huguenot women chess-makers living high in the Sierra Madre's and in a bizarre turn of events have disrupted a delicate ecological cheese balance that has turned into a particularly nasty cheese war.<br />
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The opening of the new Durango highway allowed the campaigners on a quest to find a farm to send to your table to drive directly through the Huguenots farmstead on the new road that has divided communities and caused a small guerrilla war amongst these lost cheese-making tribes who since now never knew of the others existence, so remote were they. This vicious febrile war is escalating into one of who makes the best and smelliest cheese and who can provide the <b style="font-style: italic;">Frim The From To Your Babel </b>campaigners with their particular brand of blue mountain yak cheese.<br />
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And it was only when they stopped to fix a puncture that the campaigners came upon these three smiling women from yesteryear holding out wheels of cheese in a peace offering. The women with pointy hats handed over the particularly pungent cheese and promptly got down on their knees and fixed the tire.<br />
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The<i style="font-weight: bold;"> From the farm etc etc</i> campaigners immediately struck a deal whereupon this women-only community will venture down once a month on their Yaks to deliver this godawful stinky Yak milk cheese to the farmers market on that Plaza where they sell organic stuff.<br />
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As a result of this one-sided deal the war is turning nasty with every mountain blue and green cheese-maker wanting in on the act.<br />
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A representative of The lost tribe of Welsh Cheese-makers, The Llanfaifechen Chirks, looking suitably pissed off at the intrusion of the 21st century thrust upon herald because of the unthoughful free introduction of iPads and Samsung Galaxies by the evangelical campaigners for <b style="font-style: italic;">Fresh Farm Stuff To Doorstep </b>to these 'flat-earthers' will surely destroy the foundations of their society within a week we predict.<br />
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<b>3: Culture Quest.</b><br />
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What's Goin' On and What The Hell Does It All Mean?<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22px;">Cultura has worked very hard to bring a variety of high-quality, international events for the 2014 </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22px;">Festival Cultural Mazatlan</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22px;">.</b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"> Last month we saw the Ouagadugu troupe The Mud-E</span></span><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">ncrusted-P</span></span><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">oison-Arrow jungle trio dancing the famous </span></span></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22px;"><i>Dances Of Possession and Coming</i></b><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22px;"> and African music ambassador </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;"><i>Kiokiewaku</i>, the </span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;"><i>Muchongoyo</i>.</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; line-height: 22px;"> Both were sell-out shows that tickled our fannys for the many weeks of events still to come. The Ougadugugudugu Troupe (below) p</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">erformed by <i><b>Amakwenkwe</b></i> of the </span>Xhosa<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">, the </span><b style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><i>Umteyo</i></b></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span>(<span style="font-family: inherit;">Shaking Dance) involves the rapid undulation or shaking of the thorax so that the whole length of the spine appears to be rippling. Older men, Amadoda, do a similar dance, The Xhensa accompanied by singing, farting and clapping while dancers draw their breath in and out through a relaxed larynx, producing a kind of guttural roar like demented banshees. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">They improvise or use the standard side to side shuffling movement lifting their feet from the ground and levitating for an hour. In contrast the men perform high knee lifts, returning their feet quickly to the ground. </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">Though this dance was believed to be based on the </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Yorubabubu</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> dance from </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Badangry</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> because the </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Yorubabubu Mud Face</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> costume was used, some </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Yorubabububalu</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> words were used in </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Agahunni</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> songs, and the dance is associated with the Nigerian town of </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Badangry</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">. </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Agahumalu</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> is a popular social dance in West Africa. </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Agahu's</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> music is also very important to the dance. Dance movements are closely related to the percussive rhythms and songs and sea shanties. The lead drum called an </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">agbobabubu</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">, a large barrel-shaped drum, can distinguish </span></span><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">Agahumalolo</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> from other dances. In this dance there are two circles, one with men and the other with women etc etc</span></span><span style="line-height: 19px;">……</span><span style="line-height: 19px;">………</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">...</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><i>Please make it stop. Ed</i></span></span></span><br />
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Following in the African fashion of Cultura's programme is the <i>Sounds Of A Thousand Strings 'Music For Big Dame Hunters' </i>where the aforementioned ex-beauty queens skimpy in Raquel Welsh animal skin bikinis take a break from reality TV treasure hunting on Deer Island and accompany the t<i>housand strings band</i> by doing something up a tree.<br />
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This spectacular takes place in a tree in Plazuela Machado much to the unexpected delight of Friday Night diners. We presume many rich sad single old men from NoMa to turn up with their bows and arrows whereupon they can pay big bucks to bag themselves a trophy. <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The Band of a thousand strings will still play the ngomas and the mukwas, but the tree dance will take on a sexual emphasis becoming something akin to bumping and grinding, almost violent in its urgency. </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMHFwnuqeYFV4Ph1lacl8Xw-7NMwvFpFUIxwSmCR_fdCSwbs6s0rYeDh3ZTuzrgmZCRhWZLXnLjyVQ3SIQrZWj5Lox-hEOgPgnIxa-1Erw0DrPx-ZFuu1ZlsZvUaSKp6e6XPhJARZ_kXN/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-09-17+at+17.37.51.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFMHFwnuqeYFV4Ph1lacl8Xw-7NMwvFpFUIxwSmCR_fdCSwbs6s0rYeDh3ZTuzrgmZCRhWZLXnLjyVQ3SIQrZWj5Lox-hEOgPgnIxa-1Erw0DrPx-ZFuu1ZlsZvUaSKp6e6XPhJARZ_kXN/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-09-17+at+17.37.51.png" height="640" width="640" /></a></div>
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Here is a dance troupe that we applaud Cultura in procuring. Again we will have the privilege in witnessing the <i>Top Hat and Thunderpant Troupe from the Turkmenistan Nonviolent Radical Party </i>doing their thing down on Olas Altas Beach. We haven't a clue what to expect but reckon they will somewhere in the show perform a series of athletic flic flacs, rip off their oversize baggy thunder pants a la The Full Monty and in a flash cover their private parts with their Toppers. Judging by the height of their spectaular hats we expect the boys to be fairly well-hung in the trouser department. The spectacular finale will be the bunch of them swimming bare-arsed towards Cabo or Deer island where they will join the Aztecatec Reality TV Treasure Hunt.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUIWwFwm11ZZusdNj0-VoG4sx7dPpslxqT6EDumhqott4dNHcOqipgZJCYhxwP4wZceGGeNV9HP44tF_52RLHfIYylCc-7cUrQux452dm-OFK-A62LB2Pe5dxZTfqJmFwjpef9j75O6ZJq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-09-20+at+08.40.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUIWwFwm11ZZusdNj0-VoG4sx7dPpslxqT6EDumhqott4dNHcOqipgZJCYhxwP4wZceGGeNV9HP44tF_52RLHfIYylCc-7cUrQux452dm-OFK-A62LB2Pe5dxZTfqJmFwjpef9j75O6ZJq/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-09-20+at+08.40.18.png" height="486" width="640" /></a></div>
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On a lighter note <span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Jean Baptiste</span> </span>and <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Marie Josèphe </span></span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Charbonneau </span></span>from Nova Scotia (below) will make African animals out of prophylactics.<br />
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This appearance is nightly at the Loonytoon Bean Café on Olas Altas.<br />
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Get down there, enjoy a cuppa Java and laugh along with these two cheery folks from small town Labradorlandia in StephenHarperLand.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyVYuon-v07AvOknlOV8JmXS7bBtoWO8UQ1DAfOWjaFwnN7DQRc6vp8IvVvsm0gHD3HLF-7YWScPJhYQSpnQlrzks4FNN_HuoTyKKlBdt_2pdo67V06vUtHOWsJHq101c50bN1l9bTa2ZQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.15.07.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyVYuon-v07AvOknlOV8JmXS7bBtoWO8UQ1DAfOWjaFwnN7DQRc6vp8IvVvsm0gHD3HLF-7YWScPJhYQSpnQlrzks4FNN_HuoTyKKlBdt_2pdo67V06vUtHOWsJHq101c50bN1l9bTa2ZQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.15.07.png" height="578" width="640" /></a></div>
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This show is sponsored by the <i>Saxon Big Boy Condom Co. </i>and below a company rep succinctly explains how it all works.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG8Y7yrDYdt8HDWfF5GBQxTiftatWoBWC8_aIQk8OWDc9HcQA0HjRR2dpKg1PaD-dubDBaKIMz7HuaQW-avQVhHZt7uQt6LVqdGS7iSNlae1ICbDpZSKMW7M020JG1iTVdo2mWfABGeNwu/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-04+at+09.39.14.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG8Y7yrDYdt8HDWfF5GBQxTiftatWoBWC8_aIQk8OWDc9HcQA0HjRR2dpKg1PaD-dubDBaKIMz7HuaQW-avQVhHZt7uQt6LVqdGS7iSNlae1ICbDpZSKMW7M020JG1iTVdo2mWfABGeNwu/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-04+at+09.39.14.png" height="570" width="640" /></a></div>
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Music is provided by Odalia Robicheaux and her squeeze-box singing swamp alligator from Bajou in the delta.<br />
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Free <i>Saxon Big Boys</i> with every machiatta. So get on down.<br />
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<b>4. Profiles</b><br />
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The fragrent Ellie-May reporting on society news.<br />
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Beauty 2014 Carnaval hopeful Destinee Hookah gushingly receiving her crown for the 'Miss Exploding Head' Competiton from the Cultoora representatives. She will go forward towards the 'choosing of the carnival 2014 queen' race. </div>
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"We all hope she a has a rich backer otherwise she will have no hope in hell."</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoLlu5vlzDQDVM9hxWEZv0v2wHHOgWL1QvrQjVTq0UWNWVwiUrQrddNFbk9cREqpbuK619cciwHolv3sKgKKTOwrVsFGb5g4Blqf4LM40EKjdCIAdZsimhT-TgRlTaGHLhvuYbyKvBV6Rj/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-29+at+09.19.32.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoLlu5vlzDQDVM9hxWEZv0v2wHHOgWL1QvrQjVTq0UWNWVwiUrQrddNFbk9cREqpbuK619cciwHolv3sKgKKTOwrVsFGb5g4Blqf4LM40EKjdCIAdZsimhT-TgRlTaGHLhvuYbyKvBV6Rj/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-29+at+09.19.32.png" height="640" width="404" /></a></div>
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"The expats, The Nelsons, from the Expat Ultra Conservative Evagelical Tent Revival Missionary Cheese Making Soc. of NoMa NoZac are going on a missionary quest to convert all of Ghana to cheese and hopefully bring some products back for the <b><i>Fram To Your Ceiling</i></b> campaign."</div>
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"We wish Karen, Jean, Harold and their smug little blond brat all the best as they head out in their Ghanaian tribal wear purchased from the new Loook Ethic Shop opposite Water's Edge Boistro."</div>
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"The owner of that shop assured the Nelson's that their get-up he bought third hand dirt cheap from Gap China is authentic West African tribal garb and will surely save them from being shot by Al Qaida extremists."</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcEOV8lSHGntwZ2f3tokA7X6Zu0EKht6rF9DgVh4516C3OWD6CuXRvH9uDlFklO88LBBRazuOwbKMNaX3qIJdK1MyOEcG-5R1anBUrZVsmsbS3SAqest4irJci077GZEQziFcp055va7mG/s1600/booze+man.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcEOV8lSHGntwZ2f3tokA7X6Zu0EKht6rF9DgVh4516C3OWD6CuXRvH9uDlFklO88LBBRazuOwbKMNaX3qIJdK1MyOEcG-5R1anBUrZVsmsbS3SAqest4irJci077GZEQziFcp055va7mG/s1600/booze+man.png" height="482" width="640" /></a></div>
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Word has it that that ex-expat drunken lunatic from that country of Oistralia was found lying in a pile of his own empty Bundenburg Oztralian rum on the Acapulco dockside. He was nabbed trying to sneak back into the country disguised as a 'Weegee-Type' photographer. We can all count ourselves lucky that he only got as far as he did before being apprehended.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUuUQnUxgwntHYd-h0H97czkoZQUiEXZsdid2-BqNAsf6jPuI0M70yrA-pBI53Es7bl_9DqZHsx5dQVmVJwWumD3qQ3T2mCWHivyp4W-ird5eezCKhaDRaBAD4eyMBI7ZBfZqiW_yedcL/s1600/smuggler.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUuUQnUxgwntHYd-h0H97czkoZQUiEXZsdid2-BqNAsf6jPuI0M70yrA-pBI53Es7bl_9DqZHsx5dQVmVJwWumD3qQ3T2mCWHivyp4W-ird5eezCKhaDRaBAD4eyMBI7ZBfZqiW_yedcL/s1600/smuggler.png" height="640" width="498" /></a></div>
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Expat arch-shoplifter <i>Jackie 'Jackee The Lackey' Scappioni </i>otherwise known as <i>Patrick "Pattie The Bronx' DeFilipino </i>and other times as <i>Joesphine 'Joe The Dip' Dippolino</i> after having being nabbed then escaped and on the lam for a few days where she got as far as Oxxo in NoMa filling her specially constructed leg pouches with candy and chips and sweet pop. Here she proudly displays her wares in this police photo.<br />
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"And we all thought she had big thighs." commented Ellie-May "now she resides in lock-down at the Mazatlán correctional institute for naughty expatriots."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXgH4vdKfxB80vprn5DYy_nT_GOhl62BhrN6Dl56Gmk8FLjwiWSQ1s2lqVL3hNCRRMgLSp5javkdJgKwNSpLs6M22KsCYgLCWp0Zs4blruSiLtlsESlbTtOB4HJEPID8ccZQ4BbB6hLn0U/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+20.53.32.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXgH4vdKfxB80vprn5DYy_nT_GOhl62BhrN6Dl56Gmk8FLjwiWSQ1s2lqVL3hNCRRMgLSp5javkdJgKwNSpLs6M22KsCYgLCWp0Zs4blruSiLtlsESlbTtOB4HJEPID8ccZQ4BbB6hLn0U/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+20.53.32.png" height="462" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Lovely Cookie Crackenbush from Cranbrook Canada is giving free classes in how to pour wine using your feet."</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"This leaves your hands free to do other things." she slurred. "</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk09SL9Ip3nk8fwRAIHQepEoaITuCbz_FJaRilMUm-O802q3rrh2QWG4gEa_dFn866yJDbzLZYsIVvIkG-XvhiswDLNIQdf2GAXSi7WmeUY5655kBlLOfXFDboSkE_P8zMZje05x4PKoTa/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-04+at+09.50.11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk09SL9Ip3nk8fwRAIHQepEoaITuCbz_FJaRilMUm-O802q3rrh2QWG4gEa_dFn866yJDbzLZYsIVvIkG-XvhiswDLNIQdf2GAXSi7WmeUY5655kBlLOfXFDboSkE_P8zMZje05x4PKoTa/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-04+at+09.50.11.png" height="640" width="538" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">"Great 'rug' news for expat men who want to try something else with their head of hair other </span></span><span style="line-height: 23px;">than hanging onto to those </span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">mangy pony-tails. </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">Be a different man every day and astound your friends with your rapid </span></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;">changes</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 23px;"> of appearance or disguises if you will.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">You can now, when invited to those parties that thoughtfully provide food, eat as much as you can, as quick as you can, clearing all the food off the table without a thought for those guests who prefer a more </span></span><span style="line-height: 23px;">leisurely</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;"> eating regime who arrive at the table 20 minutes after the food being placed thereon finding only crumbs. Now you can wear a different </span></span></span><span style="line-height: 23px;">hair 'do' to every party and eat like a starving gannet content without future derision and being banned from subsequent get-togethers."</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">Available from Peluquería Rex on Teniente Azueta.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;"><b>5. Around the Churchs News</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="line-height: 23px;">The Snake handlers…….</span></b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXlR94FGXPWmJY9L6Ip2aOvuiDJ3Kox4RPE1Bq0gumjkkwGaTWdWxEk_cbfepGZ3KRTzmgiwcqR43j4At-yC7CtYfalvkBUXk02u_sW6xpu7IRJVLRf8kTRgXvQDMM0BIRVIFyoJxablHm/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-10-23+at+20.24.32.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXlR94FGXPWmJY9L6Ip2aOvuiDJ3Kox4RPE1Bq0gumjkkwGaTWdWxEk_cbfepGZ3KRTzmgiwcqR43j4At-yC7CtYfalvkBUXk02u_sW6xpu7IRJVLRf8kTRgXvQDMM0BIRVIFyoJxablHm/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-10-23+at+20.24.32.png" height="640" width="502" /></a></div>
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">Local ham-fisted Snake Handlers can now celebrate because Azalia Snail, snake-handing evangelist hailing from some mountain community in The Appalachains and snake-handler chief at the <i>Pentecostal Church of No Other Gog Magog Than God</i> off Calle Venus, is in town and giving lessons in snake handling. She'll come round with her own serpent, a big black mamba called Cyril, and show you new techniques.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">Ms. Snail continues "We don't forgot all those worshippers who lay hands on the sick, speak in tongues, provide testimony of miracles, consume strychnine and roll their heads round and round and of course we will never forget our father John Wayne 'Punkin' Brown who was bit by an evil serpent spawn of the devil mountain diamond-back rattler."</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 23px;"><br /></span><span style="line-height: 23px;">"I heard that the church has a dwindling congregation due to snake bite deaths because Pentecostal kids spend too much time on their iPads social networking and porn gazing and not enough time concentrating on handling these deadly vipers and mambas and timber rattlers. So I got over here as soon as I could to teach them the art of 'Snake Whispering." she gigglingly gushed.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">Editorial Aside :</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">These fucking idiots messing around with snakes chanting St Mark: </span><span style="background-color: white;"><i style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 19px;">In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> - etc etc should in our subjective and biased </span></span><span style="line-height: 19px;">editorial</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"> view be put on the first boat out of here along with their </span></span><span style="line-height: 19px;">frickin</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 19px;">' serpents and dumped on Deer Island.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">More religious </span></span><span style="line-height: 23px;">shenanigans.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5-qXCEs9As2MuhEcf5D829zT_AyNzcnzYOTqbtbqJp4mD1Br-P2l9RdgVz4C1eDhWtvhCyw45oSvMBzoWRqyxf0Au_ORxe9XWjMmY3WoJkhrOAvRzLkJ-u1bn4S4YxGKzPvDp-vfq1Rh3/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-04+at+09.49.50.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5-qXCEs9As2MuhEcf5D829zT_AyNzcnzYOTqbtbqJp4mD1Br-P2l9RdgVz4C1eDhWtvhCyw45oSvMBzoWRqyxf0Au_ORxe9XWjMmY3WoJkhrOAvRzLkJ-u1bn4S4YxGKzPvDp-vfq1Rh3/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-04+at+09.49.50.png" height="428" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">Word on the street has it that the Ultra Conservative Appalachian Holiness Movement church, cousins of the pesky snake charmers are cutting a swathe into the local Roman Catholic flock by holding mass outdoor confessional services and palooza thrash metal festivals here in Nevo Zacletex. </span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">"Viking Thrash, Swedish Death Metal and Black Thrash bands from Scandinavia are very popular in that they induce mass hysteria and drive out the devil's spawn." the leader and great Zog of the planet Finloondia screamed.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">The bands Mongo Ninja, Violated and Blood Tsunami are especially worshipped as the fucking ear-bleeding racket they produce induces: "Speaking in tongues, pea soup spewing and head-spinning." they say.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh50vtv_ZUOyi7dOm9L3uNr24s3Sb8lGKr-8kV6QQZxVbPU5bCMcpJbSgUe_MtWurvsvjS5buNSILVVkwGcLqugq3c96JFaMzAf9H_JbTI1KXxa8SsJ1P9EMa6FII4dr7JNgmI9lPqVTL4M/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-04+at+08.28.23.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh50vtv_ZUOyi7dOm9L3uNr24s3Sb8lGKr-8kV6QQZxVbPU5bCMcpJbSgUe_MtWurvsvjS5buNSILVVkwGcLqugq3c96JFaMzAf9H_JbTI1KXxa8SsJ1P9EMa6FII4dr7JNgmI9lPqVTL4M/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-04+at+08.28.23.png" height="422" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;">In the rainy season the crazed church thoughtfully provides mobile corrugated tin roofs to allow shelter from the rain and other sky-borne signs of the apocalypses like raining frogs and locusts. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;">"Why not use tents like most other revivalist movement. They are lighter you know?" we inquired</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 23px;">"Mind your own damn business you heathen." they retorted</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;">The Holiness movement use young converts and slaves to stagger around the county carrying revival tin roofs to the congregations who due to persecution by his Holiness The Pepe IIII , they also say, and complaints from their neighbours about the horrific noise have moved themselves into the Sierra Madre's and make cheese and related dairy products.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDlwypPzf1lnA1Hlan17RwIWkG5h74SnPxrBryIQLQCWEHFGjmIti0c3VxdqU68DGkAJ1x58zlhobdRXJnjLAg94lnuP4-F6GW4-meeWgDzJ582_pUjO7xeN4t_lOFnd-xolFGUHyvX-vf/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-18+at+14.17.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDlwypPzf1lnA1Hlan17RwIWkG5h74SnPxrBryIQLQCWEHFGjmIti0c3VxdqU68DGkAJ1x58zlhobdRXJnjLAg94lnuP4-F6GW4-meeWgDzJ582_pUjO7xeN4t_lOFnd-xolFGUHyvX-vf/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-11-18+at+14.17.13.png" height="640" width="380" /></a></div>
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UCHM Church posters suggesting the right way to go…………...</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>24. 2014 Carnaval Queen News</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">The 2014 Carnaval Queens are being chosen and Cultoora has come up with some novel ways to wean out the pack of beauties</span></span><span style="line-height: 23px;">…</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">Round 1</span></span></b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 23px;">Test of agility and violence.</span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3kfWpNJOtscvZSHRRACNbGY8IGPaJhyphenhyphennyXGLJ3smfd6HUU19jsFogdopATifxxGcX10VH0LflBpq6urSILREKAIJlL2uc8b68YdtcZoeT-3twWSaT1OudYhETpmPfqLlWNB2Qku4qzutp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.11.53.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3kfWpNJOtscvZSHRRACNbGY8IGPaJhyphenhyphennyXGLJ3smfd6HUU19jsFogdopATifxxGcX10VH0LflBpq6urSILREKAIJlL2uc8b68YdtcZoeT-3twWSaT1OudYhETpmPfqLlWNB2Qku4qzutp/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.11.53.png" height="640" width="490" /></a></div>
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Ultaviolent Queen Tag Team Wrestling where anything goes.. This is a family event so come on down to German Evers Stadium. The winner of those hopefuls with the least injuries will go to the next round. </div>
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<b>Round 2</b></div>
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Test of endurance and strength.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVFgkDj1mmpUcVZKpsPu43VxUyhb4PwhFfe7hDZolX5OUGjkpBf_jyVoTUfpF0NRE9og21pStru-bT0uwjIRn1Caozz4Tzw8oWabBXwGWXj7iVHoyp-7OrDiZD4jfc10hbhXHLbBrVR1uo/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.18.15.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVFgkDj1mmpUcVZKpsPu43VxUyhb4PwhFfe7hDZolX5OUGjkpBf_jyVoTUfpF0NRE9og21pStru-bT0uwjIRn1Caozz4Tzw8oWabBXwGWXj7iVHoyp-7OrDiZD4jfc10hbhXHLbBrVR1uo/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.18.15.png" height="506" width="640" /></a></div>
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Here the pretty clones drag the boss of Cooltura around town, along the beach, to Deer Island and back, to El Quelite, Copala and to Tepic and back and he makes a choice out of those left standing. </div>
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<b>Round 3.</b><br />
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Horse riding lessons<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNncYAlut09nfvmS1NfT_zgimtMrbthmMi-u7wdqAVEZHfXly0lXgJvAjhHS-Ivf_vgjKv2HlI_wrngtbdYwPmiMK_4Kde_i_3RrB66SR29msgDsqX4VDZ1RaZXobPRvWkxkA1av84ItQv/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.21.17.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNncYAlut09nfvmS1NfT_zgimtMrbthmMi-u7wdqAVEZHfXly0lXgJvAjhHS-Ivf_vgjKv2HlI_wrngtbdYwPmiMK_4Kde_i_3RrB66SR29msgDsqX4VDZ1RaZXobPRvWkxkA1av84ItQv/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.21.17.png" height="640" width="420" /></a></div>
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Horses are an integral part of the Mexican lifestyle and landscape and the hopefuls will have to learn to ride a horse if the winner is to visit villages to help those less fortunate than themselves and help with world peace. As there is no money to hire a real horse, volunteer men will take the place of the beast. </div>
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(volunteers can line up round the block of MazReal's office.)</div>
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<b>Round 4</b><br />
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This is a test of something-or-other.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieRKTrHB_GSbaXw-6AbWdG8YCjrXDnGBVWSgovJCz4ixe_n9VTePHpHRuefkzpwj1d1w3N1rmIDjiJ7NsWh2CrnvPhwZF59WSxRCoOnpkyaI8h6bJrBH3SUJeXUgU07IFcE_dC897S02qE/s1600/3+women+walnuts.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieRKTrHB_GSbaXw-6AbWdG8YCjrXDnGBVWSgovJCz4ixe_n9VTePHpHRuefkzpwj1d1w3N1rmIDjiJ7NsWh2CrnvPhwZF59WSxRCoOnpkyaI8h6bJrBH3SUJeXUgU07IFcE_dC897S02qE/s1600/3+women+walnuts.png" height="402" width="640" /></a></div>
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Carnaval Queen Walnut Synchronised Swimming.<br />
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<b>Round 5.</b><br />
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This round is a test of the hopeful's emotions.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ3D2awY0kIYrvfX7cZhtbZfvmZpQboMIJ3_tBU-2C7zGXlD2d_1evIeomo0g3Mu_LaGSVMOey_cUH2695iFQdcUlONuimkN6tSqI51gl7kFXGWDABcqo7lHeAfCxgCHUfPtZFV6I_bWtQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+12.59.38.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ3D2awY0kIYrvfX7cZhtbZfvmZpQboMIJ3_tBU-2C7zGXlD2d_1evIeomo0g3Mu_LaGSVMOey_cUH2695iFQdcUlONuimkN6tSqI51gl7kFXGWDABcqo7lHeAfCxgCHUfPtZFV6I_bWtQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+12.59.38.png" height="640" width="524" /></a></div>
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Their loved ones of the queens are shipped off to Devil's Island there to remain for 10 years subsisting on sand and palm leaves. Who so ever doesn't throw themselves into the water after the departing ship is the winner and goes forward to the philosophy round.<br />
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<b>Round 6.</b><br />
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A test of knowledge, reading skills and memory.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5aTf1juUU6mpR-C41YdcrE6QOr17QPeLua-pcwllhv2dLD0HOjT-6mOcHgEJEmvmE1F7d0GNnI4qM5l9q4tcLe86X9e0M3ey_GXqNpUDPJZZq-vnZioMRTtdLo3ZCUXtNr5SFAiawNNCQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.18.24.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5aTf1juUU6mpR-C41YdcrE6QOr17QPeLua-pcwllhv2dLD0HOjT-6mOcHgEJEmvmE1F7d0GNnI4qM5l9q4tcLe86X9e0M3ey_GXqNpUDPJZZq-vnZioMRTtdLo3ZCUXtNr5SFAiawNNCQ/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.18.24.png" height="640" width="470" /></a></div>
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The Queens are expected to read a whole pile of books by Plato, Jung and Das Kapital by Marx and other important philosophers after which they have to answer these important questions:</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">1. Why is there something rather than nothing?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">2. Is our universe real?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">3. Do we have free will?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">4. Does God exist?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">5. Is there life after death?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">6. Can you really experience anything objectively?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">7. What is the best moral system?</span></h4>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">8. What are numbers?</span></h4>
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Answers are sent to Oxford University for marking.</div>
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<b>Round 7.</b><br />
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…..the most testing test up till now<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEscMDAoLSMHTQz3WCIqH8bQHKl6BddFM3o8vHWfoH0dcWrilgUG2rEAsUFHFq_K5vCgHJzYq15JOXz2CjoatHzOrVcpQnJqA3fQYx-Sy4Dsvx78-j8COznVsT8pbBSZkM7b2vqkMDE6Cx/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.20.29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEscMDAoLSMHTQz3WCIqH8bQHKl6BddFM3o8vHWfoH0dcWrilgUG2rEAsUFHFq_K5vCgHJzYq15JOXz2CjoatHzOrVcpQnJqA3fQYx-Sy4Dsvx78-j8COznVsT8pbBSZkM7b2vqkMDE6Cx/s1600/Screen+Shot+2014-01-08+at+13.20.29.png" height="390" width="640" /></a></div>
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It will be stinging jelly fish season soon….<br />
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Here Laughing Men <i>(more on their selection process in a later blog)</i> competitors throw prospective carnival queens into the sea and as you can see it is very popular and draws huge crowds and we can all laughingly watch as the laughing (hysterically screaming) woman is stung to death or near death. Those that can swim back virtually unscathed go to the next round…………(see a later magazine dedicated to the final rounds)<br />
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<b>In the next issue:</b><br />
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The 2014 Carnaval Laughing Man Tests.<br />
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The finals of the 2014 Carnaval Queen selection process<br />
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More News on the Cheese War of Sierra Madre.<br />
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Farm Direct To Your Table News: Live animals straight to your door…..and how to slaughter them on your kitchen table….<br />
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and all the other crap we think you'll like<br />
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©MazReal 2014<br />
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MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-67556227609483068912013-12-20T09:06:00.000-08:002013-12-20T19:48:07.907-08:00Christmas Gift Ideas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhydMwJYOluluEkpMDc8E7_lU1Yns01VUXhnei7amvbUGEJX3YEcGxTZg4lOVYrmTCuXfxq3oN8dzUZ9uol5WpoOwvZ_pt6JG_CWPI58VkC5YY2HMC8bga_7fveGgcids731nU1fT6Yx15h/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.06.49.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhydMwJYOluluEkpMDc8E7_lU1Yns01VUXhnei7amvbUGEJX3YEcGxTZg4lOVYrmTCuXfxq3oN8dzUZ9uol5WpoOwvZ_pt6JG_CWPI58VkC5YY2HMC8bga_7fveGgcids731nU1fT6Yx15h/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.06.49.png" width="486" /></a></div>
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One way to tolerate Christmas</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1VZDZCqQ2EoN9gn5yFPnn7AfdBBejr1g2JornBJI4irf9yiY7aMQX_S0LuBBZd_km8cPtOeCdayUCPurynCT_vLo64Ll-fsGTAS5nRQwgIfKzSnn12_0sqM9jsg3jzb8qDo3vbKwXPjb-/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.03.03.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1VZDZCqQ2EoN9gn5yFPnn7AfdBBejr1g2JornBJI4irf9yiY7aMQX_S0LuBBZd_km8cPtOeCdayUCPurynCT_vLo64Ll-fsGTAS5nRQwgIfKzSnn12_0sqM9jsg3jzb8qDo3vbKwXPjb-/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.03.03.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Enough said…….<br />
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more great ideas after the jump……..<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH2-DugGGHjA6Q5cQMW4cVie5FYEQwi36utqIJ_95wrfq8WAkb_KxeFmTri9AAFE1a9H-8aoXDEYbUiCFubPVHKi_Ox5m4w2Kf27Wsamv9rrMQTWJmE8v7XmUOh1DTwMLdQ7CCBntKKuXA/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+20.47.34.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH2-DugGGHjA6Q5cQMW4cVie5FYEQwi36utqIJ_95wrfq8WAkb_KxeFmTri9AAFE1a9H-8aoXDEYbUiCFubPVHKi_Ox5m4w2Kf27Wsamv9rrMQTWJmE8v7XmUOh1DTwMLdQ7CCBntKKuXA/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+20.47.34.png" width="442" /></a></div>
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Watch out….Junior engineers at work..</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRTcAGq3IaD_KtXGzZLOnqBJkxRh4zPT3k3D90UuSCa02uKIp6OjXYWaMxrAm8_K3kXAZhGvKd3JmWRTL6NZGMqHeKWEsHjcNKeCAcIj391HTxN9L0J-0rIahPHbYE3LmkvscB9NVeD6My/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.20.11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRTcAGq3IaD_KtXGzZLOnqBJkxRh4zPT3k3D90UuSCa02uKIp6OjXYWaMxrAm8_K3kXAZhGvKd3JmWRTL6NZGMqHeKWEsHjcNKeCAcIj391HTxN9L0J-0rIahPHbYE3LmkvscB9NVeD6My/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.20.11.png" width="500" /></a></div>
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Mmmm…... napkins, plates, cooler and lots of sugar. Just the right age to get them hooked on the sweet stuff.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKQiTl9WrD_Est31ZQwYDyc1aw_p6ShSLNK2hyaSJjg7MweNBuF1yZp_66WjTfzxZ8f83ebJecdZjL0HfNrObfX7jk1rMGeVwdRzJ9ixP_Hlo4MUwl78HlSNObgzwhAzTwxMy2O-wj18FP/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.20.18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKQiTl9WrD_Est31ZQwYDyc1aw_p6ShSLNK2hyaSJjg7MweNBuF1yZp_66WjTfzxZ8f83ebJecdZjL0HfNrObfX7jk1rMGeVwdRzJ9ixP_Hlo4MUwl78HlSNObgzwhAzTwxMy2O-wj18FP/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.20.18.png" width="484" /></a></div>
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This plastic crap will last about an hour.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQJwclHVMLczM1QDzhvqw0tnNoiRu2cnTKrTvS2RxocgktxX4AaiFhOCDqpQUTs77g1IRIm5jkm_gsYO3yg-Tcrdxk2qL3Da7fZgJFIzFx9YKyyFZ-_uDKPCfBQ5VNukY_2Q2zNd4rNi-P/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.20.27.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQJwclHVMLczM1QDzhvqw0tnNoiRu2cnTKrTvS2RxocgktxX4AaiFhOCDqpQUTs77g1IRIm5jkm_gsYO3yg-Tcrdxk2qL3Da7fZgJFIzFx9YKyyFZ-_uDKPCfBQ5VNukY_2Q2zNd4rNi-P/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.20.27.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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You can see where this is heading………...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQC4p_M24wJCSF76S4Mc6JSnSQ7Q5uEJuDFOantu-yDsWhqVWGfCvh8rb7PSsaUc_WvYwmNgHqtUht9tI52e9QGOUol3j9iER0-1iYUY8thfaxaDKSlcScmL5KjDkeSDaZYtiZ3mrhA58O/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.21.09.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQC4p_M24wJCSF76S4Mc6JSnSQ7Q5uEJuDFOantu-yDsWhqVWGfCvh8rb7PSsaUc_WvYwmNgHqtUht9tI52e9QGOUol3j9iER0-1iYUY8thfaxaDKSlcScmL5KjDkeSDaZYtiZ3mrhA58O/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.21.09.png" width="528" /></a></div>
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Puss</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQvYQpDHBbfwP1JRh0gN-5chd0MLVfDUCWKNNwViev1fmFhyphenhyphen4WdHT55322DeYtsp_t-862jvINc1vLLhdSoyfXYM8wYxmZAa-YAqW1GtG9eie4bO8bp8xHOFtTqjRU4IWX8wBm6CDRYN1D/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.21.24.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQvYQpDHBbfwP1JRh0gN-5chd0MLVfDUCWKNNwViev1fmFhyphenhyphen4WdHT55322DeYtsp_t-862jvINc1vLLhdSoyfXYM8wYxmZAa-YAqW1GtG9eie4bO8bp8xHOFtTqjRU4IWX8wBm6CDRYN1D/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.21.24.png" width="494" /></a></div>
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Dunno, looks a bit like sliced plank.</div>
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Who the hell is this guy??</div>
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A serviceman who's been surrounded by men for three years? Now what would he want for Christmas?</div>
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What every banker wants.</div>
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Oh boy. A toaster.</div>
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What every bald teenager wants. Just the job to really rub in the fact she has no hair</div>
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Lucky Dad</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlK6de8Agp-lX-vtIO-mnzBuFyXla4nPejQ4tw0yBKS_qkhmZrttXLVCMU1keERqfo0t3orjq2f9HL9g76Rgp3aAA9XxU8MQF8quudESOJBWokhDp2JivzB9G-rLS-oPJ9tL2WiOaQ3JEl/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.26.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlK6de8Agp-lX-vtIO-mnzBuFyXla4nPejQ4tw0yBKS_qkhmZrttXLVCMU1keERqfo0t3orjq2f9HL9g76Rgp3aAA9XxU8MQF8quudESOJBWokhDp2JivzB9G-rLS-oPJ9tL2WiOaQ3JEl/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.26.31.png" width="366" /></a></div>
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No wonder the man's so fat.</div>
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They'll be lucky. They're all made in China now aren't they.</div>
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What every kid nowadays doesn't want. Too much thinking and dexterity involved.<br />
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A cigar for the man in your life accompanied by a couple of strong-arm goons.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIGQiguGgqJ8lgvnW3LCIzHAJ0fwCWvkQyR6MCzzeqBP5SCwUjr6H0pEPsfukC2h2mMoyGfT4i-v01ucm0LDcAmKAJtHsi9FJYzhxvXlYJslIcjE4Z5KtnbLOC9nriAXFnkBK8qAvjcK_m/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.45.49.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="370" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIGQiguGgqJ8lgvnW3LCIzHAJ0fwCWvkQyR6MCzzeqBP5SCwUjr6H0pEPsfukC2h2mMoyGfT4i-v01ucm0LDcAmKAJtHsi9FJYzhxvXlYJslIcjE4Z5KtnbLOC9nriAXFnkBK8qAvjcK_m/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.45.49.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Kids want pot for Christmas</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCwxT7Vl2keXafB6xg873EhvedV9WAY54NbxitL9Q_sah3FrAWcCxU0fyoTrfD7fFxrO2_vUTIEuffjD-LKRHwlAsA2QZ8GGWshw49GCllmzXx470O-gcxaEjvy5sPDg1po8cDkZiaB2Nb/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.46.19.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="412" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCwxT7Vl2keXafB6xg873EhvedV9WAY54NbxitL9Q_sah3FrAWcCxU0fyoTrfD7fFxrO2_vUTIEuffjD-LKRHwlAsA2QZ8GGWshw49GCllmzXx470O-gcxaEjvy5sPDg1po8cDkZiaB2Nb/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.46.19.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666362; font-family: Helvetica, Lekton, arial, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; text-align: start;">This attractive bronze colored lazy susan holds 26 fruitcake MINIATURES — just the right size for serving, no messy cutting, crumbs, waste. Ready to eat — like candy — all fruit and nuts. Package also contains a container of tempting rum spread sauce that is served hot or cold ‘buttered’ on the fruitcake. Perfect gift. Assortment of LIGHT and DARK fruitcakes. </span><strong style="background-color: white; color: #666362; font-family: Helvetica, Lekton, arial, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; text-align: start;">$6.95</strong><span style="background-color: white; color: #666362; font-family: Helvetica, Lekton, arial, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; text-align: start;"> ea. ppd</span></div>
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Isn't it nice, Boris Karloff gets a fluffy toy from Ginger Rogers<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWrm8OE0QXpq4l8SbpRi3FBtCioNHMn52LgpbHo_LX_luBmAlv_QVSo-OBiBtJv7Io7puatw_e3rnUob2h_rcUGp8hjXV2rQ6-S11sMh9WpemGhXUJg5jKLyQfSgOnISqNf8X2_ZVHky6/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.54.27.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBWrm8OE0QXpq4l8SbpRi3FBtCioNHMn52LgpbHo_LX_luBmAlv_QVSo-OBiBtJv7Io7puatw_e3rnUob2h_rcUGp8hjXV2rQ6-S11sMh9WpemGhXUJg5jKLyQfSgOnISqNf8X2_ZVHky6/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+09.54.27.png" width="412" /></a></div>
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If you feel your wife's mind needs activating after you get home from boozing with the boys, why not get her an electrified girdle.<br />
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A false tache and a cigar<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJyQ1qlBc8HcAMpMG9JwcYNhou-Oxn-zfreLsX8PT54nEW9CIojAxzhKeyBq4o0-E5uYbn58ldXNtkt4UwZKItUTLFVZMMwl2v9YzVRq7EGZ76oRoirMN6CAkA6Eyl0bcSFn4z68_1N8gy/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+10.00.00.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="486" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJyQ1qlBc8HcAMpMG9JwcYNhou-Oxn-zfreLsX8PT54nEW9CIojAxzhKeyBq4o0-E5uYbn58ldXNtkt4UwZKItUTLFVZMMwl2v9YzVRq7EGZ76oRoirMN6CAkA6Eyl0bcSFn4z68_1N8gy/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+10.00.00.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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Just the job for those drugged up bored kids. Jut put this in front of them and you can get on with your life.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNm4TCKbRvnOnuqxr2fBoGsK8ac9C7dfwbsgy3IEGDUaFD2DP81kV7xRWb-3r7ryq7WGjsAbkU5MlCngzDXcL0stEJYL5ocdRr1VI8tRycu_IIvQBdjJ4OBWbLlf22802QPQZqQqwlp__W/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+10.05.13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNm4TCKbRvnOnuqxr2fBoGsK8ac9C7dfwbsgy3IEGDUaFD2DP81kV7xRWb-3r7ryq7WGjsAbkU5MlCngzDXcL0stEJYL5ocdRr1VI8tRycu_IIvQBdjJ4OBWbLlf22802QPQZqQqwlp__W/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-12-20+at+10.05.13.png" width="504" /></a></div>
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Joan Crawford and lots of leg comes down the chimney to scare the pants off wide-awake kids and shoot those not in bed.MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-66258389295229692642013-12-11T05:34:00.001-08:002013-12-11T05:59:31.556-08:00Mazatlán Garbage Mountain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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As the end of the year fast approaches and the rounds of parties, boozing and eating begins, we would all like to know where the debris from those occasions go. Well I wanted to know so we at MazReal took a trip to where all our household crap goes if you live in Mazatlán. So for anyone who has not been up the top of this mountain of garbage, very few I suspect unless you had the opportunity of going with <a href="http://www.vineyardmcm.org/locations/mazatlan/">The Vineyard</a> Ministries Garbage Mountain Tour to hand out water and a snack, here you go. This is what happens to it…………...</div>
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As you can see, there is no need to recycle at source as it is efficiently done here in the stink and heat and these people can earn a few paltry pesos to do it for us. We can only guess who makes the bulk of the recycling money? Not the individuals who do all the work I suspect. However I have a notion but we don't want to go too deep in that direction.</div>
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So have a merry Christmas and watch this vid in its full colour and glory full screen by clicking the 1080 HD button.</div>
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<i>Produced, filmed, directed and edited by MazReal Productions.</i>MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-5523027385120800942013-11-09T04:31:00.001-08:002013-11-09T04:54:57.831-08:00Zimbabwe A Brief Photographic Tour<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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English weather is always bloody awful so to get away MazReal staff and servants took ourselves off to Zimbabwe Central Africa to escape from the damp and chill for a few weeks. We were to indulge ourselves in a first class tented safari but we got arrested not long after entry and consequently had to lie low after our interrogation and release. Here are some images we bought back as we hastily headed back south to the border and the relative safety of South Africa. As you may see, many of them are taken through the windows of a fast moving car.<br />
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The Zimbabwean government decided a while back to embrace the US Dollar as it's own one hundred billion dollar* Zimbabwean note was running out of space to daily add the extra noughts due to the country's rampant inflation. They do not have the foreign currency to send back to the US its $s for recycling so their own are becoming a tad grubby, floppy and well-used. Hence the picture of a worn out buck.<br />
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* It actually got to 100 Trillion dollars<br />
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<br />MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-22937703088794508252013-11-09T03:47:00.001-08:002013-11-09T04:04:58.307-08:00Food - Kid Restaurant Outside Tepic Nayarit <br />
Round about here on the Tepic to Guadalajara libre 15, 15 Kms passed the 15D highway cuota and turn off to La Laguna de Santa Maria is a restaurant that serves barbecued kid (kid of goat) and other meats. I forgot the name of it or maybe it does not have a name but you cannot miss it if you are heading south to Guadalajara from Tepic. There will always be trucks and cars parked up outside.<br />
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It is even worth taking the 3 - 4 hours trip from Mazatlán to go check it out and if you do not mind the sight of skewered baby goat and lamb cooking around a large log fire in the entrance and a few chickens and crowing roosters wandering around the interior, we highly recommend it.<br />
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More details after the jump………..<br />
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On the way to the MazReal staff's annual pilgrimage to stay at a fancy lodge on La Laguna de Santa Maria we always swing by this place and get stuck into what's on offer.<br />
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The tortillas are obviously made on the premises and the salsa accompaniments to your meaty dish are second to none. The goat kid is reassuringly fresh as it can be seen gambolling playfully in an enclosure just outside the kitchen door.<br />
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So with bellies full of beer and grease on our chins we drive back to the tranquil setting of the Santa Maria lakeside lodge and take a siesta. An essential pastime to help digest the food and get ready for the next course which is later in the evening; a fresh cerviche and a bottle of chilled Chilean wine in the Tau resort restaurant. One thing that is perfect for ending the day. And a drunken moonlight swim in the bottomless lake to round it off*.<br />
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(*Be sure to wear a handy life vest when swimming pissed or you may sink like a stone)MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-51743630604538356132013-11-09T03:07:00.000-08:002013-11-09T03:07:49.874-08:00This Is London - Yesterday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="text-align: start;">London's previous major decided London should not allow skyscrapers to ruin it's flat, Victorian skyline except in a designated area called Canary Wharf from where these images were taken. The newer mayor, however, has encouraged the opposite. Now new 'interesting' buildings are appearing annually and Londoners like giving names to these new tall buildings. Three of these were not here the last time we were in this city which is just over a year ago and they are from left to right: The Shard, The Cheese Grater, The Solar Panel and The Gerkin.</span></div>
MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-79974895360278567672013-10-03T00:48:00.000-07:002013-11-09T02:55:25.913-08:00Death and Taxes.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="281" mozallowfullscreen="" src="//player.vimeo.com/video/77125797?color=ffffff" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe> <a href="http://vimeo.com/77125797">Emptyset: Fragment</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/thewiremagazine">The Wire Magazine</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.</div>
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<i>In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except <b>death and taxes</b>. </i></div>
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MazReal and its staff are back in The Big City to submit our tax returns and earn money to pay those taxes.<br />
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The Big City has a hallucinogenic quality after living within the conservatism of an expat community. Opening the apartment door this morning to a UPS courier dressed in drag delivering a parcel only adds to that quality and makes one grateful for the opportunity to get out of town and experience it.<br />
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So join with us and switch the lights off, put this on full screen and turn the volume up 'till we get back in December so we may continue our uninterrupted life of ease and tranquility under the Mexican sun. </div>
<br />MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-82739919406101057482013-08-30T17:09:00.000-07:002013-08-30T17:09:00.667-07:00Picture Of The Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-49477168787330961502013-08-30T12:45:00.001-07:002013-08-31T11:31:09.820-07:00Storm Skies This Season 2013<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-63266078747631856852013-08-24T08:28:00.000-07:002013-08-24T08:28:22.475-07:00Mark Anthony And His Mobile Oven<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don't know if you have ever heard on the streets of Mazatlán a loud steamy whistle that sounds like your drunk next door neighbour is blowing his lungs out through a kiddies cheap tin wind instrument for no reason at all? Well, where we are it is Marco Antonio and his travelling oven passing by advertising himself with his steam powered whistle. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From his wood-fired oven he sells baked bananas and baked sweet potato for 25 pesos a pop. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> I don't think I have ever tasted anything so delicate and sweet as the sweet potatoes. The same goes for the bananas. Man they're good..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This guy is a genius.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Apparently they are a common sight in D.F. and there are 5 of these mobile ovens here in Mazatlán.</span>MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-42301045799611935742013-08-12T17:31:00.000-07:002014-08-02T15:03:56.816-07:00Mazatlán Summer News<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MazReal just got back from their summer holidays in Chile and discovered that it was actually winter down there. That made the capital Santiago to be even more soulless and depressing than it normally is. Imagine yourself holed-up indefinitely in some city in the land of the cuckoo clocks called Switzerland, that inward looking piece of lush land hidden somewhere in the Alps. A scenario that would make any person want to jump off the terrace of the 21st floor apartment. Many a day I found myself teetering on the threshold of that exact floor at the thought of spending 7 more weeks trying figure out what to do with myself so instead locked myself into a cycle of drinking endless Pisco Sours and eating long leisurely lunches. I put on 2 kilos in weight from the sugary cocktail concoctions but did manage to forget at least the last 6 weeks of the experience. I was told I had spent most of it in a tent eating bird shit in Tierra Del Fuego.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile it is summer in Mazatlán and for those of us suffering we can read the annual 'how to cope with a Mazatlán summer' article in the local expat rag. The writer of which seems to have fully acclimatized to it to such an extent that his air conditioning unit is actually switched to 'heat' as he now finds it a tad cool. In a previous <a href="http://mazreal.blogspot.mx/2012/07/the-art-of-staying-cool-and-role-of_24.html">blog</a> we suggested the easiest way to cope was to hire a punkawalla fresh from the Indian subcontinent but now as we have air conned our office to within an inch of its life we can spend blissful days in arctic conditions and have no need for human powered fan-wavers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However in the interim much has been happening in this fine city of under the new Felteen administration:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The summer is here and our new city president Senor Fultime (who used his position at Jumapen and its database of 10s of thousands of client's emails to illegally lobby voters to vote in his favour and probably tip the balance his way) has put forward his first Feltin Public Awareness Campaigns 2013-2014 for ways of surviving the 'big heat' and other useful ideas to live a better life in Mazatlán..............</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Baby News</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good tips for baby, he suggests, if you live in a luxurious NoMa apartment lording over the riffraff, is to build a cage and stick the thing (baby) in it outside so it may catch the cool Pacific breezes and probably be pecked alive by our wonderful boiled headed turkey vultures, shrieking Kiskadees and squawking Grackles. One can close the window and forget about its screaming for a few days allowing the wee tike to luxuriate in its own surroundings soaking up the atmosphere of the great outdoors.</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a> <span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Vitamin D News</b></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibbW-EsAmMuqvNVure-d5_E549IVRqOJTpPvbIALhFMatARiEmPhAnuveCYERRW1eZkwmdhJLGgdI2TDcLIq8al4jdjslW2UrdqSb5bZOj4Ti2ts5NtRRxR5sBR4sNgUEgyp5eofZd_t-j/s1600/baby+suntan.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibbW-EsAmMuqvNVure-d5_E549IVRqOJTpPvbIALhFMatARiEmPhAnuveCYERRW1eZkwmdhJLGgdI2TDcLIq8al4jdjslW2UrdqSb5bZOj4Ti2ts5NtRRxR5sBR4sNgUEgyp5eofZd_t-j/s640/baby+suntan.png" height="454" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another baby tip suggested by the Feltin Public Awareness campaign 2014 this summer - <i>Baby needs vitamin D</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As it is too damn hot to venture outside for those poor enough to unluckily live at ground level is to hire the Ayuntamiento de Mazatlan's cast-off Russian cosmonaut sun lamps and nuclear bomb viewing goggle that were picked up cheap by Feltin's cheapskate cronies from the ruins of Chernobyl and give baby that much needed dose of UV to replenish the toddlers' vitamin D supply.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Water News.</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many of the poorer Mazatlán residents need help to pay their Jumapan water bill this summer due to the increased cool showers one must take to cool off. Sometimes they cannot pay and extreme measures have to be taken to get the loot as this hastily snapped picture was taken of Jumapoon repo men forcing their way into a poorly paid expat maids house. The photographer luckily managed to get away without being shot dead by the trigger happy goons.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His Holiness Lord of Darkness Foltin issued a statement denying this was his men using force but it is his men wiping their feet on the doormat before entering as this resident had placed her mat halfway up the door and not on the ground as the place one usually places the item. In a further statement he said that the non-payee was lucky not to have been sued because the nice officer near twisted his back in an effort to get the dust off his feet before entering to nicely give the lovely woman a six months stay on paying. He even went on to say that he will be paying her bill as a 'nice' gesture but she would have to goddamn pay for the destroyed door from the foot wiping action.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Barbeque sales are up and it looks like our bemused expat hasn't a clue how to use his recently purchased three legged item probably because his maids who usually serve their master hand and foot for a pittance has found a better paid job in Mexico's burgeoning aircraft industry down there near D.F.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As a result of the burdens placed on the Mexican healthcare by the millions of unhealthy expats who have used to their advantage the system to replace the hips and knees put under extreme pressure by the extreme weight they support, it was decided by Dictator Feltoon that the cheap payments made be diverted to conditions that reflect that amount we pay. He, wisely, has draughted in combat surgeons from Médecins Sans Frontiéres nd Cuba to catch up on the backlog of procedures from inside a bunkered hole in the ground. The Administrations goons picked up a job lot of rusty second hand hip steel from the trenches in The Great War to aid in the effort. He said that this may deter the frivolous law suits that North American citizens are directing towards the Mexican Healthcare system because they have in the past had to share a hospital ward and bed pan with the common people and now that they are 'mended' [sic] in a wartime bunker under wartime conditions by war surgeons, peace time law does hold.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Foreign News from Up and Down Under</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SCOOP!! An ex-expat hailing from that fine country of Ozstrylia who was seen the back door to Mexico for being a complete twat has been unearthed sneaking himself a little closer to the country he always considered his home where-in he can easily sponge off the generous minded expats. This picture was posted from Guatamala where him and his drinking companion a Rhode Island Red called Red were captured. It seems no human is willing to put up with him so he has taken to befriending feathered fowl who are unfortunate enough not have had previous knowledge of his dodgy shenanigans. When he and them are well pissed he can then eat the tasty fowl as a roast dinner. His last boozing pal was a road kill skunk that was soon frying in the skillet when it refused to go and kick a ball around the beach with him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His Great Elephant and Holiest Of The Holy Darth Felteen has issued a presidential decree that all restaurants have to have bands to accompany the food. This, he said, keeps musicians out of having to wander the streets in that 'Mariachi' kind of a way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As all the oldie expat restaurant food accompaniment blues bands have disbanded due to the chance of getting a heart attack from performing ZZ Top and CCR covers to diners in extreme heat much to the relief of the diners. The remaining expats wannabes who are accustomed to the heat have been ordered to get together jug, skiffle and bluegrass bands of their own. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The half-baked incognito entertainers (wearing false beards so they will not be recognised and later ridiculed by their more experienced fellow musicians and unions) generally have cobbled together enough musical instruments and metal crap to to produce a sound. The Plazuela Machado restauranteurs without a nod to the paying customers are so desperate to give their diners accompanying music that these bands have been employed nearly every night banging and thrashing away like caterwauling half castrated cats wearing hob-nailed boots galloping across corrugated iron roofs. The MazReal offices are only 6 miles away and we can hear their ensuing racket.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This inventive expat from the far far north has realised his ambition to play like Ginger Baker of Cream after being given a nightly gig at Pedro's and Lola's. So anyone out there desiring to listen to a bald bearded man banging some petrol drums is welcome to dine at that fantastic restaurant. Bill is till looking for a couple of guitars and a fiddle and we think those ex members from that fabulous Irish combo B'Gorragh are interested.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: left;">One new restaurant has made an exception of employing old expats by finding this manic drummer cum kung fu expert who has been unemployed for so long that he begged on his hands and knees to be allowed to play. A Dezi Arnez look-alike from the now closed I Love Lucy restaurant is currently playing at the wonderful new taco joint cum hair dresser - D'lirium - on Sixty Obamas. He doesn't mind, he said, to being told to fuck off and leave me in peace as long as he gets a few centavos in tips as he is booted out through the servant's door.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now that most of these musical expats are saving themselves and their ancient bodies for the return of the Snowbirds and the full houses in the Plazuela restaurants wherein they can once more play their olde geetar blues to with renewed vim and vigour, some of the more sprightly ones are taking novel part time gigs in air conditioned hotels using their knowledge and skill in contemporary jazz. Some hotels are employing these never-say-die guys to wake up residents who demand a wake-up call with a difference.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One such expat Zeke (not his real name) known for his Dizzy Gillespie renditions has been known to have a pillow stuck up his trumpet when he strayed into the free form jazz wake-up call of Ornette Coleman. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">" Everything's copacetic in this wakin' up jazz business. I don't need the dough like and it helps me from being a drug-store cowboy when things here in Maz get slow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lee Morgan and Kenny Burrell got the edge because there is room for improv in their repertoire. Stan Getz just puts them back to sleep again but that is good for the 'snooze' option I provide. Sonny Rollins with a drummer accompaniment really gets them jumpin' outta bed. But that too can sometimes lead to punch in the mouth and loss of my dental bridge so you have to stand well back and be prepared to ankle it fast down the corridor. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeh man, I dig those gigs and they jump to the jive especially when a bearcat with bubs and gams needs wakin' up. Know what I mean? I find myself with a noodle juice and rubes if i'm lucky Heh Heh. Everything's jake Man."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More restaurant news has surfaced with El President's Feltin's newest policy that makes it legal for kids from the age of 1 to train and work as bartenders. This allows impoverished families to make money out of their children. El Director The Grand Architect Feeltin said he got the idea from Victorian workhouses and went on to say that if it was good for that great empire who ruled over two thirds of the globe then it is good enough for me and my visions of building a Feeltum empire based here in Moozatlán, the land of the deer and the free. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">El Cerviche Basket on Olas Altas has employed this city's first half-pint barkeep seen here clutching a tumbler of West Virginee Gut Rot. Being so small he has to scamper along the bar top slaking the thirst of thirsty Mazatlecos. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good on yer Lil' Jaime.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the increasing heat the demands on water usage has increased to such an extent that El Wizard of Zog Feltun, head of Jumoopan and President of the Planet has had to justify the raising of water prices by publicly unveiling the newest technology to help bring down the prices by automating the workforce. His Wondrousness has bought, he said, the world's latest automated abacus cheap and second hand from the sale of China's Long March To Freedom discarded water and bean counting machine. When Mao massacred all the intellectuals there was no one left who knew how to operate this latest 30's technological wonder. It comes with 20 Chinese sacked Apple Inc workers working inside this fantastic machine. This machine, he gushed, will bring about a one percent lowering of your monthly bill by the saving of laying off 300 Mexican workers and paying the Chinese interior slave contingent 100 grams of rice and dried shrimp a day. He went on the proclaim that as water comes free from the clouds to everyone it is in my remit to charge as much as I can get for it to ensure it reaches your home in a non drinkable state and the Chinese slaves are helping me do it. All Hail Wen Jiabao</span><span style="color: #444444;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and the Apple Corp slave wages that allowed this to happen.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The two 'technicians' ( Chief Feeltoon's sisters recently presented with an instant degree in Quantum Physics from the Uni of Moz) are applying the finishing touches to the installation of the machine using only the Mandarin instruction manuals and Google translate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Fultin Public Awareness Campaign is in full swing and new posters have been surfacing. His spokesmonkey said that we are using Mexico's best and cheapest unknown design agency working out of El Walamo to publicise our health campaign with some great designs. Here is an example with its accompanying text of how best to cure the deadly affliction of ammonia. One must use the simple remedy of turpentine and hog lard and simply get a friend to spread it all over and sit around outside till you are covered in flies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was the reaction from women to our pre-campaign test poster of a naked man resplendent with an enormous penis that reflects the macho country we live in so we felt it expedient to remove all the naughty dangly bits. It works well now that we are living in an enlightened democracy where young women and gay men are free to walk to street and having a man's privates splayed everywhere, we feel, would only have increased the lust in that group of people to such an extent when we would be overrun with overtly public acts of something or other too horrific to mention.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>The King of Kings Feltoon Campaign News.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">News reaches us that His Grace The King of Sinaloaland Feltoan is tired of getting out of his climate controlled russian oligarch limo to shake hands in this heat that he has commissioned an expat sculpturist to make him an animatronic arm like the one the Queen of England uses to shake hands with the great unwashed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Things went awry as can be seen when the measurements were relayed in metric to the expat of a country who are the only ones on the planet to still use the good ol' Imperial system. The Mad Hatter Felthin, now speaking in the first person, said one was fucking happy [sic] with the <i>'shakin' hand'</i> as its does elevate one's status somewhat. You see, he added manically tittering if Brother Jo Stalin could have one, why the hell can't one also have one. You see, he added again, one's shackin' hand is bigger than the one the Queen of England has, so there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0sxEMSq5neceqoSG5-ziAVKIB2nzys-uyyW38LLM117s5FO_4qpre_xJpi9eE7zTECzUOBslqIVQlHiZWZLtU0SQDX1keD-6HhaVRLkxIuXKRWGYaqG1tkONqsQoPkY7lNtWfTQY1xz-G/s1600/Screen+Shot+2012-09-12+at+12.19.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0sxEMSq5neceqoSG5-ziAVKIB2nzys-uyyW38LLM117s5FO_4qpre_xJpi9eE7zTECzUOBslqIVQlHiZWZLtU0SQDX1keD-6HhaVRLkxIuXKRWGYaqG1tkONqsQoPkY7lNtWfTQY1xz-G/s640/Screen+Shot+2012-09-12+at+12.19.31.png" height="640" width="434" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More Campaign news from the Feeltin camp. King <span style="text-align: justify;">Carlo Eduardin Gonzeelez Fooltin<span style="font-size: 12px;"> </span>and his brother, the other whatsisname woodsman Feltin dressed in Davey Crockett bush gear, smile beamingly for this official publicity photo of the two of them as they shoot peasant workers with arrows. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="text-align: justify;">Their message is that the way to combat gun crime in this state is to have a gun amnesty and issue everyone with bows and arrows instead. This </span>he said, still allows those on the other end a sporting chance to get away. You see, he added, having an arrow removed from the arse or chest will be less expensive and less of a drain on the state health coffers than having a number of AK47 lead bullets removed. One just has to yank it out he added. A kitchen table is all that is necessary for your abuelita to do the job no less. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The King went on the prove his theory by shooting in the earhole a photographer (he aimed at tree thirty meters to the left). He strode majestically forward and without hesitation quickly and sharply withdrew the arrow along with the brave man's ear and said, there ye go me hearties, easily done har har har.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAMlE1GCJmbBur0a7wIpdByfZqQ1YqVWqUzcnPxyulQuNk5xHthBkXIWmZ0Pe-q8_Y1reWO_zly8inPft6110ewuFcQiFnX3PSzCnMFdXMxtc2VQ6Fm8Zo9W11kDGTHZrH1ds_0kaBIckB/s1600/suitcases.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAMlE1GCJmbBur0a7wIpdByfZqQ1YqVWqUzcnPxyulQuNk5xHthBkXIWmZ0Pe-q8_Y1reWO_zly8inPft6110ewuFcQiFnX3PSzCnMFdXMxtc2VQ6Fm8Zo9W11kDGTHZrH1ds_0kaBIckB/s640/suitcases.png" height="428" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Baggage at Mazatlán International Airport is piling up the walls.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mazatlán International Airport has apologised for the backlog of incoming baggage due to an newly scheduled extra flight coming in from El Walamo. The boss of the airport said the strain on the baggage handler by this weekly extra flight to our holiday destination of the stars has caught us completely unawares and we will do everything in our power by helping reduce the load on the poor man by maybe employing another man part time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The new low cost airlines in question called El Shrimp Bucket International National that flies via El Walamo and Copala save money by employing specially trained ex-cosmonaut monkeys from the Russian space programme. We can save a shed-load of money by paying them in bananas and that saving we can pass onto the customers crazy enough to fly us. Here Captain Chimpo is seen safely bringing in his new turbo prop Boeing Thunder Bucket aircraft to land.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fernando the handler said that he just manages the normal five flights a day on his own but this extra EL Walamo connection has tipped me over. I hope they may up my daily wage to 20 pesos. That added incentive ought to do the trick.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The boss reassured the passengers that their suitcase will be carried to their holiday door in person by Fernando. He just has to walk the 20 or so kilometres carrying this lot in his spare time and there you go. Your holiday he said will not be disrupted in any way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kids and their parents aren't happy with the new Feltann regulations governing kiddies playing in the street. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To save the lives of innocent kids who are flattened daily by inept drivers we have brought in a rule to 'square off' the front tires of tricycles and bicycles and in some cases baby carriages in a bid to make the little children aware of the dangers of driving in front of dangerous drivers who do not have to take a practical test to drive a vehicle or even a petrol bowser he said whilst taking a deep breath from the long sentence. Adding, having a square wheel makes sure the cute little darlings cannot inadvertently drive under a swerving non indircating truck or under a ridiculous truck-sized SUV when the driver of said vehicle is texting or speaking on a cell phone whilst completely oblivious to his or her surroundings never mind a nice little boy on a trike with round wheels. I love kids, he added, and square wheels is the way to go. It may even catch on in Europe he added again. And I want to be in the forefront of social ideas in this wonderful country I rule.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0sxEMSq5neceqoSG5-ziAVKIB2nzys-uyyW38LLM117s5FO_4qpre_xJpi9eE7zTECzUOBslqIVQlHiZWZLtU0SQDX1keD-6HhaVRLkxIuXKRWGYaqG1tkONqsQoPkY7lNtWfTQY1xz-G/s1600/Screen+Shot+2012-09-12+at+12.19.31.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM_AvIPfLDonMjxO01l89ARoOLDdG2u3VsWRdzyj6PCbuD4UeKpVUM6P__JK6yKBOMzONDoEt-lM3M3QxGGy0pjgwQH0Kf5p8pf-ybnDRNquZedK8J93TlSQgTmydj4UXuiyDShyJ5hYQL/s1600/ugly.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM_AvIPfLDonMjxO01l89ARoOLDdG2u3VsWRdzyj6PCbuD4UeKpVUM6P__JK6yKBOMzONDoEt-lM3M3QxGGy0pjgwQH0Kf5p8pf-ybnDRNquZedK8J93TlSQgTmydj4UXuiyDShyJ5hYQL/s640/ugly.png" height="488" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another local council initiative spearheaded by the Feltthreen clan suggests that Mazootlán can become the headquarters of the trade in disposing of unsightly kids. He said that if Indians from that great country of India are allowed to put their useless girl babies on the pyre then why can't we pursue a similar policy here using instead the less draconian measure of just putting them safely in a dustbin. The thrice weekly garbage collectors can then dispose of them on Mazatlán's own wonder of the modern world and soon-to-be tourist attraction, The Mazatlán Garbage Mountain. He added, up there is a population of wonderfully dirty and useless members of our society recyclers who work for nothing for the recycling mafia. Those people can then sell them into slavery. You see, he added, it is a win-win situation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>A New Year of Transparency - Inside The Feloonytoon HQ.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The honorable Senor Feltumn, His Majesty King of The Land Of The Deer has allowing MazReal unlimited photographic access to his New Mazootlán HQ on Ice Box Hill. ( He wanted to change the name to Capital Hill but it was to close to another one similarly named) Unfettered access was granted and all staff were ordered at bow and arrow point to act as though we were never there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His personal secretary Greta, specially imported from some Slav country where smoking is mandatory, answers the phone while taking a puff on her specially designed Aztec cancer stick holder. The Aztecs took the fragrant smoke through the nose but Greta prefers to kill herself by inhaling it through the normal orifice in the face.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His bevy of secondary personal secretaries take a well-earned corn pipe, ganja and roll yer own ciggy break in the canteen. They are allowed to disrobe down to their undies if the whim takes them when it gets a tad warm in the summer. "His Maj positively welcomes us taking off our kit and having a fag and a joint. He will sometimes stand in the door for a long while just lookin'." one of them gushed in admiration.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The lunch break is a good time for two more of his personal secretaries to take a well-earned rubber at tennis and a cigarette break and a social chat over the net. "His Mojesty will sometimes come down and stand and gawp while we thrash around in our skimpy 30s outfits. He will encourage us to jump over the net sometimes in that Arthur Ashe kind of winning way."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is no secret that The Feeltoon Gang are avid fans of the sport of Gentlemen's Pipe Smokin' Lucha Libre and this poster </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">of Hurricane Ramirez </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">sits behind his desk. The younger Feelthin said, "See that gentleman with his bow tie and little cap to keep the rain out his pipe, he could just as easily tear your arm from your shoulder and beat the shit out of you with the bloody end as well as have a fireside chat about philosophy. Ha ha ha." he giggled manically. Clearly sounding like a warning we hastily headed for the gents.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here and below we can see some of the technology that went into helping the Feeeltinny man win this position of great power and influence. Secretaries shipped from the ex- Russian Republics who speak no Spanish so cannot be interrogated when the time comes, the private records of every one of Jumapeen's water users, a data processor unit from the set of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and a hareem of secretaries with total loyalty to the Master of The Universe trained in the art of Shanding Silence, that deadly eastern art of not saying anything under pressure and water boarding.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">El Chappie Feltiny Tim takes with him wherever he goes a train full of olde worlde banditos to watch his back. But as there is no train service in Mexico they tend to sit in a freight wagon on a railway siding just outside Mazatlán near the Thermal Power Station and just bide their time looking mean. They are allowed a lunch break and the weekends off and many have taken up knitting and crochet and keeping chickens to pass the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was generally thought of as a viscous rumour that The Man has his own supply of tomatoes fearful there may one day be a rush on them. Most powerful dictators have at least one case of paranoia. Nixon had a few, so did Kennedy and Thatcher and the naughty North Korean dictator has a wardrobe full of them. Christ all mighty not to mention Uncle Joe Stalin. He was imploding with paranoid thoughts. So we can forgive the great man Filton for his tomato paranoia. He likes to keep this chunky ex-Lucha Libre ultraviolento and cage fighter woman called Boxcar Bertha around to make sure no one takes off with his precious Sinaloaense grown toms.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here above is a scientist shipped in from an ex-Russian gulag to design The Feelytintoon battle helmut cum space hat that he will one day wear when his space ship takes him and all his cult of followers and personal secretaries from the land of the deer that he once held reign over to the promised galaxy not a stone's throw 10 million light years from here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Grand Master and Chief Officer poses in his space gear that he will wear to pilot the good ship Deer to extraterrestrial worlds. "You vil all kees my feet." said the Dude in an operatic Germanic way that he thought mirrored the Valkyres from that wonderful composer Romantic Mexican Carlos Knietzer. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All hail.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>MazReal takes no responsibility for the thrashing that this freelance reporter gave to the fictional messiah of Sinaloa and the lands two days horse ride in all directions.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">©MaReal 2013</span>MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-30580545722209964252013-08-12T08:38:00.000-07:002013-08-12T17:33:15.660-07:00Reporting At Its Finest!<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Come on TALK, you only been shot in the stomach we need a sound bite! Or at least a gurgle.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">Veracruz, Mexico. Photo by: Félix Márquez</span>MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-89908279801327776572013-08-04T17:21:00.000-07:002013-08-19T13:59:50.358-07:00What You Miss If You Are A Snowbird.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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All photographs taken from Olas Altas on this day between 6 am and 6.30 am.</div>
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Mazatlán during the winter months provides nice sunset skies virtually every day but in my opinion you can see just too much of them. Whereas in the hot summer months during the rainy season you can observe these skies if you get up early enough. These cold grey skies bursting with energy are less frequent and you have to be on your toes because they don't last long due to the strong winds sweeping them across the horizon and when the sun fully rises, the light destroys the drama.<br />
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©2013 Matt Mawson</div>
MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-76007699201176243932013-08-04T14:48:00.000-07:002013-08-04T18:28:57.355-07:00MazReal Return From Scientific Study in Tierra Del Fuego Chile.<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MazReal staff just got back after two months scientifically measuring the flow of glaciers with a tape measure and pencil in Tierra del Fuego and as you can expect it takes a while to see anything moving as geological time proceeds very slowly. Two months in fact to measure one centimetre flowage. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We astoundingly discovered that the 'movement' was not forward movement at all but was in fact movage backwards. You see, glaciers are really moving backwards and not at all melting from the global increase in temperature because as we discovered it was fucking freezing down there so how could glaciers melt.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is a picture of the great Helen Mirren in the film <i>The Tempest </i>used just to illustrate the extreme weather conditions down there. As we bartered our camera for magic mushrooms and albatross eggs we couldn't illustrate how bad the weather was. But we know it was tempestuous as we experienced it first hand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This astounding discovery of <i>'natural uphill frozen water movement'</i> contrary to the laws of physics has yet to be taken seriously by the wider scientific community. But we are hopeful that we are on the brink of a Nobel Prize for something or other. Our new theory of NUPFROW has been taken up in earnest by all members of the GOP and fellow climate change sceptics. Although we have been labelled as flat-earthers, crazy, out of touch and fucking idiots [sic] we stand by our convictions that glaciers move uphill and Tierra Del Fuego is not as warm as The Namibian Desert Hot Plate as it is purported to be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyone who wants to disprove it can just bugger off with their tape measure to the loneliest, coldest wettest most hostile wintery windy place on the planet, sit in a pup tent for 8 weeks eating nothing but lichen, guano and stinkpot birds cooked in various ways and drink puddle water. There you will undoubtably see the backward movement of frozen water and the albatrosses that turn into super models and the garden gnome called Garth that delivers pizza.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whilst there we did in fact become kind of friendly with a group of Ona Fuegians, the local inhabitants of that region and they would dance by and allow us to share in their ritual of mushroom eating naked body painting. It was after such sessions that we proved our astounding theory</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Ona Fuegians did not allow us to take pictures of them as they considered our 2G iPhones 3s were sooo out of date so we asked them take these wonderful pictures of us with their 4G iPhone 5s. These images illustrate how normal we considered we still looked after we had been down at the arse end of the world for 7 weeks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our scientific work done on global climate change w</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">e are now hoping for some Tea Party funding to prove their theory that 5 million Mexicans are illegally crossing the border north e</span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">very day and shooting dead anyone who gets in their way. We will be billeting ourselves this time in a 5 star establishment in Bisbee Az. going out every day with the hard working socialist and humanitarian thinking Arizona border patrol.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back now in tropical Mazatlán our famous scientific team are to prove </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">once and for all that male expats don't always, as cynically reported, wear cargo shorts, moustaches, sandals and Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts for everything including the opera and weddings.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our paparazzi photographer, Enzo 'The Cosh' Montana caught this group of expats lads in their untypical '<i>going out'</i> smart attire who decided this time to dress up as they think European men dress to go to meetings. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They are mincingly heading out for a powwow with the newly elected Great Leader Of The People Senor Felton to discuss the expat grievance that suggests it is really difficult to pursue frivolous court cases in Mexico whereas in the USA and Canada and coming soon to the UK it is de rigueur to sue the fuck out of anyone whenever it takes their fancy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This grievance was sparked by a report by James in the <a href="http://bajainsider.com/baja-life/general-information/expatlivingbajamexico.html#.Uf1UmhYQiJd">BajaInsider</a> Blog that gives advice to people who want to move south from the north.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">James says this:</span></div>
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<i> "Yes, there is <span style="color: #202020;">corruption in Mexico</span> and while it has gotten better in most areas, it still exists and the process of <b>suing </b>someone in Mexico is difficult at best even for the Mexican citizen."</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">In the resulting</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"> short but not so sweet confab, </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Senor Felton the Great Iguana </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">reportedly</span><i style="font-family: Arial;"> </i><span style="font-family: Arial;">screamed:</span><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span><i style="font-family: Arial;"> </i><i style="font-family: Arial;"> </i><br />
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<i style="font-family: Arial;"><b>"@£%*@!(*&^%$£** you @£$£@$ gringos, why don't you £@$%$£@ off back to the crazy planet from whence you came."</b></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">As the astounded group of prominent expat men rushed staggering for the door in their Jimmy Choo high heels, Senor Felton was heard to shout </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><b>"And those shoulder pads are so last decade."</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>© MazReal 2013 Pardric O'Fukem The MazReal scientific correspondent. (Last seen naked and painted green swimming towards Cabo where he heard that is was easy to sue the state of Sinaloa for defamation and lost wages for allowing that he paint himself green and swim to Cabo. He is said to be asking for the amount of the trade surplus of the combined China and the USA economies and replace the CEO of Apple Inc.)</i></span></div>
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more suing news after the break</div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>ps. MazReal editor update in light of the terrible 'suing' news: </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Our treasurer has run off with the funds so after a free Skype call to my lawyers in Phoenix Az. - SueTheFuckOutOf'EmRus. My rep, the slime-ball Mr. Scrotum 'Monster of Olde' Pigswill otherwise in the trade known as The Fifth Rider of The Apocalypse, Ditcher of Morals and Ethics suggests that as it is so difficult to make some extra money out of suing here in Medieval Mexico, I should post against the Department Of Homeland Security in the USA for allowing me into the US whilst on my way to Mexico without telling me that the temperature of my working environment in Mazatlán exceeds that laid down by the Department of Health in the Us of A. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I suddenly today found to my utter surprise and chagrination that in the Mazatlán summer I am working in Victorian Workhouse conditions of 28 degrees C (? degrees F). The heat is forcing me drink to copious amounts of beer and champagne all day. The consumption of which yesterday degraded my ability to talk sense to a Federali when he pulled me over for driving over his foot and killing a herd of cows that should have been behind wire near Walamo. (That's another suing matter he says)</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I allegedly told the nice man via Scrotum in no uncertain terms - Fuck of you fascist bastard [sic] go kill some babies in Guatamala. The policeman didn't at all gently suggest I take a cab and sleep it off and he would kindly drive my car home. However according to Scrotum he beat me half to death with a tire iron and then demanded I give him my car and liver and kidney while he set fire to my wallet full with 100,000 dollars and my shoes that were hand-made by Jimmy Choo himself. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>He then, allegedly, took me back to the torture chambers at HQ, tied electrodes to my testicles and plugged me into the Sinaloa power grid whilst he and his friends laughingly drank beers and threw the cans at me. The result of which I recieved a 12 inch dent in my cranium that resulted in a trip to a clinic in Swiss alps skiing resort of La Champinnoises where the kings of England have for centuries found their thrills. There the surgeons of Russian Oligarchs removed the embedded empty can of Pacifico Lite and gave me a testicle and 12 inch penis transplant (transplants that old oligarchs desire) and a Botox session on my forehead to iron out the worry lines that have manifested themselves since then in my forehead. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Mr. Pigswill reckons I should sue the US government and the Chinese government for good measure for a sum yet to be decided. A sum he reckons that may bring the US economy to its knees and allow me to live a life I am accustomed to by buying Costa Rica and swinging in a hammock all day whilst being served by endangered pandas wearing specially designed Panda Jimmy Choos Shooz. All Hail Me..........</i></span></div>
MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-3034446530409210472013-05-17T12:38:00.000-07:002013-05-26T12:39:03.445-07:00'THIS IS MY MAZATLAN'<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SECTUR's wonderful campaign on what makes Mazatlán for the foreigner the wonderful place it is introduced us to some pleasurable pastimes undertaken by some of our kin shouting the words "THIS IS MY MAZATLÁN" after a brief insight into what makes <i>their</i> Mazatlán. Isn't it amazing what one's desire for their 10 seconds of fame can unearth in all its eccentricity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have one or two favourites especially the one when they threw a man into a shark tank. He was later dragged out minus four limbs but was lucky enough to still retain enough lung to croak "This is my Mazatlán" before expiring. No longer enjoying the use of a right arm he was unable to do a 'thumbs up'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It appears from our second favourite "This is my Mazatlán" that church-going is a happy occurrence but from our own experience it is a rather sad place to go to seek redemption from a murder committed or a robbery you undertook and it is therein where you can be assured of immediate forgiveness. However the captured couple smilingly praying seem to be enjoying the experience and from the radiant looks on their countenances and their keen 'thumbs up' on exiting probably accounted for their prayers being answered. Lets hope they prayed for world peace rather than winning the lottery.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivmR_2FHkwDF7EPzsaBzGfV6TjxLZC3x7dIMn_wYq3nmirVul8XTqzKs9_aKnUNzkIj2PE8zkiejaj-tQJQQUCmOCc-Ko8xI-NfNhXJrRBU3_l4ySqH1pkTrzEyPs-X8E7OQCKBPem5uc/s1600/church.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivmR_2FHkwDF7EPzsaBzGfV6TjxLZC3x7dIMn_wYq3nmirVul8XTqzKs9_aKnUNzkIj2PE8zkiejaj-tQJQQUCmOCc-Ko8xI-NfNhXJrRBU3_l4ySqH1pkTrzEyPs-X8E7OQCKBPem5uc/s1600/church.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The 'up-the-nose' shot of the church-going "This is my Mazatlán" couple indicating to the heavens that that's what makes 'Their Mazatlán.'</td></tr>
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<i>(Just go to youtube and type in This is my mazatlan to see all the delights mentioned above and more....)</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MaReal staff have to get in on the act and have compiled a list of what makes Mazatlán the Pearl of the Pacific it deserves to be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We sent out our amateur photographer and cub reporter Justine "Bill" Farnsworth to interview typical foreigners on what makes their Mazatlán.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgelg66Lus1o-H0bfqjFbqCmCIWU2388R39EBKJC36cIsokD6Aqz29VvX80GYGMpnXOiw5bg26PgtoWBfdfBDTsahrtWz3YbPLsDCZpAXgdcVTjjP-G-URQiu4bRuh53asZaLsWvpDTE0E/s1600/Screen+Shot+2012-10-19+at+16.55.51.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgelg66Lus1o-H0bfqjFbqCmCIWU2388R39EBKJC36cIsokD6Aqz29VvX80GYGMpnXOiw5bg26PgtoWBfdfBDTsahrtWz3YbPLsDCZpAXgdcVTjjP-G-URQiu4bRuh53asZaLsWvpDTE0E/s400/Screen+Shot+2012-10-19+at+16.55.51.png" width="322" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Bill" Farnsworth</td></tr>
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more interviews after the break...........<br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"We just lurve Mazatlán and all it has to offer." mumbled Doreen and Madge from Mooseleg in Saskatoon, "Even the dried prawn, burning rubber and sewerage smells that sometimes waft over Centro add a delightful Third World charm. A charm that Moosebum doesn't have because as you all know Canada is the cleanest country on the planet where everything smells of bleach." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This Is Our Mazatlán"</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivsxRer51rEoZMFiz426vwL5ECdXUAt_P87GHJvvVuqtA1m1C_LUs2SOyEYCBORcdACbCqFlv3h3ZH0cJFZiRxBF4hUF7rhFIUxvDCGvWVCAe0BFDE3Pv92OtxSimo07GapyxalCAqh5o/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-05-26+at+13.26.20.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivsxRer51rEoZMFiz426vwL5ECdXUAt_P87GHJvvVuqtA1m1C_LUs2SOyEYCBORcdACbCqFlv3h3ZH0cJFZiRxBF4hUF7rhFIUxvDCGvWVCAe0BFDE3Pv92OtxSimo07GapyxalCAqh5o/s640/Screen+Shot+2013-05-26+at+13.26.20.png" width="468" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Their carefree kids, playing on the specially designed <i>'Toe Squasher'</i> rocking thingy would certainly agree if they knew what the 'thumbs up' meant.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Deke and Isbeth (Isbeth is the one showing a leg) from some hidden valley in Kentucky just gave the 'thumbs up' because Mazatlán gave them the opportunity to get married when only 12 years old. "We been together for all of our 12 years and I just wanted to continue the tradition in our family of marryin' my sister as pappy did with his sister. For 500 pesos the captain of a shrimp boat tied us the knot." gurgled Deke. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unhappily a few seconds after 'Bill' snapped this cute pic, Isbeth tripped over her wedding dress rushing to eat the cake and squashed the life out of poor Deke whose teeth had to be surgically removed from her thigh..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I come from a predominately Tea Party governed state in the YOU.S.A," gushed Tammy, "And as you all know this fine city of Mazatlán has a more open policy on publishing and the printing of gender issue porno and knitting magazines for teenage women. This is My Mazatlán!!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Woof woof says Gertie my Chihuahua."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"THIS IS MY MAZLATALÁN," slurred Dong (or did he say Don? - Ed) from somewhere in Texas. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We presumed it is from the fact that illegitimately from behind the pool hall you can have a part time doctor cum barkeep from Venezuela cheaply graft a beer tap onto your forehead thereby saving you the energy from having to call a waiter over and drunkenly speak to him in Spanish.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This operation would cost me a fortune in Dogend Texas." he assured us and immediately fell over blind drunk burying the beer tap into his cranium.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Mazatlán is the only place on the surf scene man where you can wear fetish leathers and carry a 12 gauge pump on your surfboard." croaked Mississippi “Sandwich” J-Bay from behind his restrictive leather mask. "Those pesky kids on boogie boards stay the hell out my way." he laughingly added.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As he couldn't do the 'thumbs up' without dropping something he shot a couple of passing dogs in agreement and an iguana (seen blown apart by his right foot). A few yards down the road he fell over gasping for breath and died an agonising death as no one wanted to apply mouth to mouth. A couple of kids took the opportunity in the crowd of laughing onlookers to steal his board and shotgun.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is our Mazatlán!" echoed 7 expats taking advantage of the overhead wires so beloved in Mazatlán, to take a commute thereby avoiding the erratic driving of the locals and having to communicate with them in Spanish.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This <i>is</i> our Mazatlán." whooped a fat couple from somewhere outside Mexico.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> They continued, "Isn't it wonderful that you can pay a street beggar's son to take you on a tour of the city and then onto El Quelite, Copala and then come back and clean out our NoMa apartment, skim the pool, feed the dogs, clean the leaves out the gutter and wash the three SUV's and 6 Harleys all for 50 centavos."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Man, we love these cheap screwed-up Third World countries we only see from outside the windows of our gated community penthouse suite."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is our Mazatlán." says everyone who comes here who loves lifting a beer to the sunset. "The sunsets are the best in the world especially when the wind and dust blows from the direction of the burning tyre dump, garbage mountain and the Thermoelectric power station. The smoke allows a 'sunset' to be observed at midday as well as in the evening."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">"هذا هو لدينا مازاتلان"*</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> jerked the Imhapotep Hatshepshut Ancient Egyptian Dance Troupe visiting from Thebes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">"</span> <span style="font-size: large;">نحن نحب مازاتلان وجميع ما لهذا العرض ولكن للأسف لا توجد المساجد حيث يمكننا عبادة. واعطى الاميركيون العرب لنا وقتا عصيبا" </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">they jokingly said.</span></div>
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* This is our Mazatlán<br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Dies ist unsere Mazatlán"*. Enthused the Wagner-Schloss-Eidelweis family of German expats originally from the Black Forest Gateaux Alpine region of Weisswolden Schrappenhuser Gotlieber Berggihuber. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here, stiff as ramrods, Gunter, Winkler, Elke, Emma and Fritzi wearing their church-going Bavarian thigh-slappin' dress for the occasion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Wir sind so liebe diese Stadt, wo wir tanzen können, trinken Bier und schlagen Sie Ihre lederhosens Tag und Nacht." they continued.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Hier können wir tragen, was wir wollen, und niemand denkt, wir sind Idioten." they continued again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is our Mazatlán." said a happy couple between French kisses. "We love the excitement of the Annual carnival. We can let our hair down, drink Margaritas till we pass out in the gutter and snog anyone who is passing."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Este es mi Mazatlán." said a young, broom, sand sifter, oriental steamer, hand crank food mixer and general box street sales boy Pedro. Pedro will also change a spare tyre, do the re-grouting, cut your hair and peel your shrimp for a modest fee. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán" shouted Hailey from Kansas as she opened her gaping jaws. "Lookee here. Where else can you get done everything you desire on your teeth for the amount is would cost just to clean them back in Cornshed Kansas."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán." said someone we don't know, presumably from the UK because as we know expat people from the British Isles like to keep to themselves and shun society in general. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She added "Here in Mazatlán as an expat I can really keep to my self and refrain from 'joining in' and not carry the stigma and stigmata of being known as an unsociable twat who thinks they are better than everyone else with their long noses stuck high in the air."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán" slurred a couple of drunken Australians from Sheepbutt Woollamallola. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We couldn't get anything else out of them because one fell flat on his face and the other tried to punch the hapless 'Bill' Farnsworth for being a Pommie bastard and a sober woman. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I am Canadian you piece of Wombat shit." she ventured. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Ha ha gggggrrphh." was all he could say as "Bill' gave him the benefit of her steel toe-cap boot in the bollocks where he fell comotosed face-down in a pile of Chihuahua poo.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is our Mazatlán." screeched the Bicycle Broom Polo Players Beach Club down on Olas Altas</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This-is-my-Mazatlán." purred Gladys (the one on the left). "for where else do the authorities allow your embalmed daughter to sit and keep you company. As I cannot get around much due to my arthritis it saves the tiresome walk to the panteón to lay flowers and have a chat on the Day of The Dead. For here she is right in my living room."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán." enthused 'Snake Hips' Harry from Pamplemousse Carolina. "Dressing up and dancing with the young ladies keeps me young and spry. Plus the new Mexican hip I just got installed cost virtually nothing. Elvis eat your heart out." he cried as an ambulance was called after his knees popped horribly. Sounding like gunfire the crowd scattered causing more deaths trampled underfoot.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is our Mazatlán." shrieked the high-steppin' trio of women from the Mazatlán Thai kickboxing, trampolining and ballet dancing club. Nothing can curb the enthusiasm of these three dangerous looking ladies as they can be seen leaping gracefully up and down the beaches and malecons of our fine city.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán." quipped Zeke from Vancouver. "As a Canadian I like to keep a tight control of my spending and for half a centavo I can get a close shave from the local authority workers when they pass by annually to machete the trees into those nice box shapes."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is My Mazatlán." whistled Svetlana. "My recorder lessons at the wonderful Angela Peralta theatre night school for jazz learners allowed me to lay down on vinyl my renditions of local bird calls. These delights are the perfect sounds to play to remind me of Mazatlán when you invite friends round for a BBQ back in Calgary. I even have a night as guest with the wonderful local blues and bird call band BGitja."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> (This disc is available from Amazon Russia.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is Our Mazatlán man." rapped the groovy quartet from East Westside Detroitville Harlemtown.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Hey Mezzie, lay some of that hard-cuttin' mess on me. I'm short of a deuce of blips but I'll straighten you later." jived the first cat.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Righteous, gizz, you're a poor boy but a good boy — now don't come up crummy." layed down the second cat.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px; text-align: -webkit-auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Never no crummy, chummy. I'm gonna lay a drape under the trey of knockers for Tenth Street and I'll be on the scene, wearin' the green. And that's this hip town Mazatlán for ya. You dig." came Mezzie.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHZuiWhEsxlz4o-BFC8b6eOSvQ8rJWOpJVuo85g4ZdfskJLsdwtes830xBbDoea6xMzof8Az3-miS8DrILylwWz5Tn2n_1vjSPLaaZgSrwG4xXEycFMRlgx9QJ5_DGzm2g2IIJwW5cRGM/s1600/mymaz10.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHZuiWhEsxlz4o-BFC8b6eOSvQ8rJWOpJVuo85g4ZdfskJLsdwtes830xBbDoea6xMzof8Az3-miS8DrILylwWz5Tn2n_1vjSPLaaZgSrwG4xXEycFMRlgx9QJ5_DGzm2g2IIJwW5cRGM/s640/mymaz10.png" width="520" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is our Mazatlán." cried this family from Nebraska. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"We like to stick together and SoreAss bike hire gives us the opportunity to see the sights of Old Town Mazatlán and allow Ma to catch up on her sewing chores at the same time."</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0kMLZHlAZU30Vt7nz089iq0ZKQCyl_WYU1z7wpsm7A34BiZCaF5DkTS6hoZ1S3kwen32QI3s1OapcGrvHxxM-j56kvnCVONvno39IGgGH0aTPaS8iPZ_qw9Y8latyd_7iTIsm57SdOhI/s1600/mymaz15.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="448" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0kMLZHlAZU30Vt7nz089iq0ZKQCyl_WYU1z7wpsm7A34BiZCaF5DkTS6hoZ1S3kwen32QI3s1OapcGrvHxxM-j56kvnCVONvno39IGgGH0aTPaS8iPZ_qw9Y8latyd_7iTIsm57SdOhI/s640/mymaz15.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán." mumbled some old coot from Nanavut Canada. "Here on my left, or is it my right is a thing I built out of straw and wood where I do stuff and behind me is another straw thing where I live. You see I can live here in Mazatlán like a king subsisting quite lavishly on my government pension. If I was back in Nanavut I would squatting in an igloo and eating snow."</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA0NspHb8IiEZjdYorR4-puzYd2uoW_xSXFQ4RLK6NDMfWSnzCDHhSxayO0c_cIkewb2fVkYTRHchfYLuySsQst_9EG2gizOV4RT8h54-0RJfw-gFP8BwAkpzSCURb3kxK746bluKSJqw/s1600/mymaz25.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA0NspHb8IiEZjdYorR4-puzYd2uoW_xSXFQ4RLK6NDMfWSnzCDHhSxayO0c_cIkewb2fVkYTRHchfYLuySsQst_9EG2gizOV4RT8h54-0RJfw-gFP8BwAkpzSCURb3kxK746bluKSJqw/s640/mymaz25.png" width="524" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán." coughed Hillary from Phoenix. "I just love it here as us smokers are not persecuted as lepers if I was back in Phoenix Az. For instance I hiked ten miles up Squaw Peak to have a cigarette on top of the mountain when a black helicopter flew over and told me to put it out immediately. I have heard they use drones to take out smokers who have emigrated to Pakistan and Afghanistan just so they can light up a cool, tasty cigarette."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"This is my Mazatlán." cooed Fanny from Mississippi. "Me and my bird Horace can smoke to our hearts content without those dang black helicopters bothering us."</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFE9jJbKAFoCyD_gaihre7uBHCH1u7fH4HgpMDfCJNaIc-iRkjICTyEjhfUU1ZZUu6as2c_vTWUjHu8OHxEJOpscDC4Br9zcaIpNdil-hGxk_V0fzUFjv5lm0tezVSJWmJ5Fq7sPELbv4/s1600/mymaz21.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFE9jJbKAFoCyD_gaihre7uBHCH1u7fH4HgpMDfCJNaIc-iRkjICTyEjhfUU1ZZUu6as2c_vTWUjHu8OHxEJOpscDC4Br9zcaIpNdil-hGxk_V0fzUFjv5lm0tezVSJWmJ5Fq7sPELbv4/s640/mymaz21.png" width="393" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> "This is my Mazatlán." grinned the delightful short-sighted blonde superstar model Giselle from Moosetail who notoriously got married to a 12 foot surf board thinking is was in fact a 6 foot board. "Where else but in Mazatlán can the Captain of a shrimp boat marry you and your surfboard. My brother, in fact, is coming soon so he can get married to his X Box <i>and</i> Sony Playstation. Elsewhere that would be bigamy, Except maybe in Salt Lake City." she cooed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As you can see there is a wealth of interesting expats, little known to the general foreigner community here. It just takes the fine investigative reporters from MazReal to unearth them and bring them to you in all their glory.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However not everyone thinks Mazatlán is the 'Bee's Knees' as this cheeky fellow indicated on leaving this fine city, as a below deck passenger on the Queen Matilda convict ship bound for Sydneyville in Stralialand.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"And the same to you mate."</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNxMMjoiil_BhAV09V7C9qVJRFknpssp5lLBvmvkC98zoB_2fvZeojyklyi6Jl3qXH7dt6c6WmqDUkrcUXHrizobv032_KKqhmEtmgD9RHKH_YXR-7BjPNuC3GIStdXeHRJhLbZ5B9pq0/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-05-26+at+13.27.50.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNxMMjoiil_BhAV09V7C9qVJRFknpssp5lLBvmvkC98zoB_2fvZeojyklyi6Jl3qXH7dt6c6WmqDUkrcUXHrizobv032_KKqhmEtmgD9RHKH_YXR-7BjPNuC3GIStdXeHRJhLbZ5B9pq0/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-05-26+at+13.27.50.png" /></a></div>
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MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4232866229522733802.post-85534711234356493542013-03-25T10:54:00.001-07:002013-03-25T11:12:21.423-07:00Artspeak # 2<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSAOmkOTVi05dSZRE-UpXwfnZcAiGAH5QwMI47R_wiYIjIm010NUsdgyzeTO1Mr5deusWb_0usoEENmD52GVI3y3NEceOaRbuXe2KyOTlsk78jIcD9esK5SSt37Ri5EAs99jrJXXRibhU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+10.40.07.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSAOmkOTVi05dSZRE-UpXwfnZcAiGAH5QwMI47R_wiYIjIm010NUsdgyzeTO1Mr5deusWb_0usoEENmD52GVI3y3NEceOaRbuXe2KyOTlsk78jIcD9esK5SSt37Ri5EAs99jrJXXRibhU/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+10.40.07.png" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIgBkaXHb9PjY092Fhyb7KkIChFQtNfj9x11en_AFWgcQP8U_2eYq_KZh9cU9NiB0w1Vs2z9JtYRgtG-w0LzsYmBHiRks0_n1M1eZKl72vQwd-1dua46nSHaeQioBZrvNsmR-_xo-BpIE/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+10.49.01.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIgBkaXHb9PjY092Fhyb7KkIChFQtNfj9x11en_AFWgcQP8U_2eYq_KZh9cU9NiB0w1Vs2z9JtYRgtG-w0LzsYmBHiRks0_n1M1eZKl72vQwd-1dua46nSHaeQioBZrvNsmR-_xo-BpIE/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+10.49.01.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"The artist brings the viewer face to face with their own preconceived hierarchy of cultural values and assumptions of artistic worth. Each mirror imaginatively propels its viewer forward into the seemingly infinite progression of possible reproductions that the artist's practice engenders, whilst simultaneously pulling them backwards in a quest for the 'original' source or referent that underlines Levine's oeuvre."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>quote from <a href="http://www.simonleegallery.com/">Simon Lee</a> gallery on an exhibition by <a href="http://www.frieze.com/issue/review/sherrie_levine/">Sherrie Levine.</a></i></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiktAoSSqAu6XKrpaJeTqY6Qdwzso5rtvdd4IhI5U8JiK_mWBW503aw1-IwQ86X479uMUZS7uqzr6G427ckV_TDpF5n5msgjaXMes24bGhbIH1DA3zlQytbGDxsXO8q2LkB3MOQYvMpENo/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+11.00.17.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiktAoSSqAu6XKrpaJeTqY6Qdwzso5rtvdd4IhI5U8JiK_mWBW503aw1-IwQ86X479uMUZS7uqzr6G427ckV_TDpF5n5msgjaXMes24bGhbIH1DA3zlQytbGDxsXO8q2LkB3MOQYvMpENo/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-03-25+at+11.00.17.png" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I would like to read what this artist has to say about his exhibition of our kind of art.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Any clues?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe this:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; line-height: 19px;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A painting is nearly nothing, but like a reflection in a mirror it exerts an enormous fascination. The mirror isn’t broken: instead of shards we simply have more mirrors.</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span>MazRealhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16039162252567437789noreply@blogger.com0