Mazatlán Spring News

"Siúl i gcúl le haghaidh na Nollag."

Inspirational words indeed from our
guest editor, the great fun-loving, rubicund Oirish drunkard, ex-priest and incomprehensible poet Seamus O'Seamus who takes over MazReal Publications for this long-awaited spring edition of Mazatlán News. 

The irrepressible poet Shaman O'Hoiney takes a swig from a gallon of Murphys.

On My Moind…..

"The only happy poet is a dead poet, only then you cannot change. When I die I will probably come back as a paintbrush."

I found that inspirational quote by Sylvester Stallone stapled to the back of my head when I was thrown off the ship on arriving at the port of dis wun'erful city of Matatloon. It made me laugh because that is how I felt at the time when my head hit the concrete and scraped the tip off my nose. Followed a second later by my cardboard suitcase which split open
scattering it'd contents onto the oil stained surface of the harbour waters. There followed a second later the obscene seafaring bellowing of our delightfully salty potty-mouthed Captain Henry(One-eye)Morganstone. 

"Now stay off my boat you feckin' great gob of Irish gobshite. And don't feckin' come back!"

I didn't know what I had done to deserve this frothing foul-mouthed tirade. Thinking back, maybe it had something to do with his silky skinned cabin boy Ahmed giving me a bed bath once a day while tossing on the ocean wave. Life is full of surprises and the challenge is to head them off at the pass says Clint Eastwood. 

Compelled by curiosity and the fact the Guarda are after me for eating a pair of pants on the Sabbath, I waved bye-bye to the soggy Emerald Isle and headed for a new life wherever the wind and the boat took me and now here I sit penniless quayside whilst a scrapulous dog cocks its leg on my crumpled tweed suit pant leg. 

Questions like "Why me?" "Is Kanye West really the incarnation of a Frean?" "Where is the line between insanity and creativity?" 'Whaat the …….?" haunt me until my head explodes.

However taking this temporary position on the editorial staff of the last bastion of great journalistic expat web rags - MazReal - saved me from utter destitution by them paying me the going rate that gringos pay their Mexican slaves the grand sum of 10 pesos a month. Out of which they take 5 for expenses and Angélica Rivera takes another five to pay her 500 gardeners.

I-don't-know-where-or-what direction I am heading in but understand you are dealing with an Irishman who knocked off War and Piece on the Coney Island roller coaster, penetrating the abtruse Tolstoyian arcana with ease despite enough lurching to spill my bottle of Jameson's 12 year old. Understand also that I was one of the select few who spotted in the Tate Modern's exhibit - The VW Beetle - that precise interplay of nuance and shading that Odilon Redon could have achieved had he forsaken the use of pastels for a car press and laddies ponying up scalper's money for argle-bargle bereft of one up-tune or a single star bangled bimbo and my rapport for the seven lilies is solid. ?

"To be sure, to be sure.." as they say in Derry, you might be confused but isn't that what life is about.

Here to end this guest editorial is an excerpt from my latest poem - Beyond Ichorkipark 

Let us sail. Sail with

O'Malley's chin to Alexandria

while the Beamish Brothers

Hurry giggling to the tower, 

Proud of their gums.

O'Riley dreamed of it too, and

O'Higgins who had his suit

Stolen while still in it.

Civilisation is shaped like

A circle and O'Rouke's head like a 

Trapezoid.

Rejoice, rejoice.

etc etc.

GUZZLE and BOOZE  

Fat is The New Thin : A special report by Antoiynée Mozziman guest Swiss reviewer and Alpenhorn blowing champion.

These 'reviews' and 'observations' do not necessary reflect the views of the full-time editorial.In fact most often we distance ourselves entirely from them.

Being fat has become the norm in Mexico and Mazatlán restaurants are taking advantage of this new norm by increasing the size of portions. It has been reported that skinny people are being violently turned away from many fine establishments because they are just not value for the little money they spend just 'pecking' on appetisers.

"Thin people and wasp waistline women are banned from Mazatlán." screeched Mayor Jim Feltoon tearing his hair out. "Everyone must weigh over 200 kilos or be forcefully fed by water board."

Government public information poster showing the wasp waistline type of people banned from eating in restaurants

more food……………….

The proprietor of Ze Grenoille D'Or (Ze Golden Frog)on The Plaza - "Our diners demand bigger frogs."

Proprietor Genevive Bujold of  Quebecois Restaurant Ze Grenouille D'Or on Plaza Machado and her from the farm to the table frogs.

Chef Angelo Merkel of the German Beerstübbensheitze - Der Leather Lederhössen - on The Plaza "Our diners demand bigger sauerkrauts."

Chef Angelo and his From The Farm To The Table Cabbage

Jésus Christo from the famous wood-fired chicken rotisserie - The Spinning Pollo - opposite the central market -

"Our take-out chickens are not big enough anymore. Gordos and Gringos are demanding whole wood-fired elk." 

He continued with his head in his hands -

"Man am i tired-out hunting in the Sierras all day and up to my ears in guts and skin all night. These gringos need to diet man. Please someone open a lettuce bar."

Doreen Thunderblatt proprietor of The Blind Potato on the Plaza grinningly shows off her from the farm to the table Sinaloa Spud:

" Our clients demand fucking enormous potatoes."

A disturbing recent ad from the Mazatlán Meat Marketing Board suggesting a family of three should eat half a buffalo and play ping pong afterwards.

Kiddies are expected to join in the binge eating fad...

Fresh faced KeekyDee from Thunderpant Rapids gigglingly prepares to get stuck into her 'kids meal' at the El Italiano Risa (The Laughing Italian) on the Plaza. 

Proprietor Anthony (The Fish) Rotunno (currently serving 15 years in Sing Sing for illegal possession of Bensonhurst)was asked to comment on Skype whether his kids meals are to blame for kiddie obesity :

Anthony: Hello Rico?

Rico (the Reporter)Fanducci: Hello?

Anthony: Rico?

Rico: I can't hear you.

Anthony: Rico I can't hear you.

Rico:Is that you Anthony?

Anthony: Hello Rico?

Rico: Can you hear me?

Anthony: Hello?

Operator: Hang up and try again.

Rico: Fuckin' Skype.

Anthony: Did I hear you say fuck to me Rico. I'm gonna kill you when I get out. You hear me? You're dead meat. Your grandmother, uncle and the rest of your Nigerian extended family. Dead Meat!!!!

Hello?

Rico: Hello. Anthony?

La Tram Restaurant on 'The Plaza'

Filthy McNasty, freelance under-the-covers photographer captured these two amazing images of a pig being allowed to enjoy his last sunset before being placed sizzling in front of a diner and a portion of steak, cooked blue, being carried out to a diner at La Tram on the Plaza. The meatiest joint in town.

In fact the chef d'meat is gesticulating to the waiter that the said diner now wants two  portions of the menu favourite - The Half Cow.

When asked to comment, Big Chef Scaramango of Chiapas said "Do you believe in God? And if so, what do you think he weighs?" So saying he took a long luxurious drag on his cigar and stabbed our reporter in the eye with a fork.

Chef Georgio and Johnny Depp look-a-like of The Flying Fish on The Sea Restaurant on The Malcon attempts to hatchet the menu monster fish favourite - Coalacanth a la Late Cretacious. 

'We have to go to extraordinary lengths to please the appetites of Snowbirds. Cretacious Coalacanths are this years fad. What will they demand next year Sperm Whales a la parilla, Venusian Koi, Seahorse on a stick?"

Alcalde Tzar Señor Feltoon had declared that only jolly people of this stature will be allowed to holiday here in sunny delightful Mazatlán. Border guards have been noted. So eat up folks or take your skinny frames elsewhere!

On a lighter note - More Food news and reviews:

News and Views For 2014 In New Zacatecas né Mazatlán

Happy New Year!! MazReal staff have returned to the unseasonably warm weather and set up temporary office on the visiting Greenpiece ship Rainbow Warrior thanks to our promise to campaign against the overfishing of fish and to give them the the credit card details we hacked from Snapfish accounts. Having just returned from incarceration in that sucked-dry (editor. Surely you mean fucked-up?) country of Zimbabwe, we are ecstatic to be back in this wonderful city of New Zacatecas or NoZac for all those wannabes who live in NoMa. Yes New Zacatarse (If you didn't know, Mazatlán is now called New Zacatecas, an important point that all the expat publications have failed to pick up on*.)

Dazed and confused MazReal Staff after having being released from "The Black Hole Of  Zimbo' , the notorious jail in Mugabeland.

*The ever-so canny Mazatlán ( now New Zacatecas) Ayuntamiento worried by the prospective lack of tourists because of the lack of beds lacking in the lack of lacklustre hotels and under the orders of the crazed Feloonytoon PAN administration, changed the name to that of the even more popular city somewhere south and east of here in the Free and Sovereign State of Old Zacatecas. 

So desperate for beds are they, that Deer Island is to be turned into an endangered bird and seal shooting hotel with spewing volcano and 24-7-365 Treasure Island Reality TV show featuring ex-carnival beauty queens wearing Raquel Welsh jaguar skin bikinis armed with spades looking for pirate treasure.

"This city of Old Zacatecas (OldZac) gets all the tourists that are meant for Mazatlán, so we are damned well going to change our name to New Zacatecas or NoZac to please our NoMa residents and get them all back even if we have to send the Marineros over to kidnap them gringos at gunpoint." shouted a crazed frothing-at-the mouth official.

"Let the governor of that naughty PRI run state sue." he continued "….and I'll send our aircraft carrier to sort that communist scumbag out." 


2014 news after the jump...

Food - Kid Restaurant Outside Tepic Nayarit

Round about here on the Tepic to Guadalajara libre 15, 15 Kms passed the 15D highway cuota and turn off to La Laguna de Santa Maria is a restaurant that serves barbecued kid (kid of goat) and other meats. I forgot the name of it or maybe it does not have a name but you cannot miss it if you are heading south to Guadalajara from Tepic. There will always be trucks and cars parked up outside.

It is even worth taking the 3 - 4 hours trip from Mazatlán to go check it out and if you do not mind the sight of skewered baby goat and lamb cooking around a large log fire in the entrance and a few chickens and crowing roosters wandering around the interior, we highly recommend it.

More details after the jump………..

Quick Restaurant Review - El Presidio

If you want a fantastic meal of Mexican cuisine or just fine eating at a great price in Mazatlán this is the only place to go. El Presidio Restaurant and it's Chef Diego is on Niños Heroes in Centro. That street with Wing's Army and its deep fried frozen food and the expensive pizza joint La Mona also owned by Rodrigo who owns this place ( I was recently in New York and had a fantastic pizza there at half the price of La Mona's).

Now that El Presidio is up and running you can just walk straight passed all the other restaurants in town (maybe you will think twice when passing Molika where I would still choose if I wanted simply great tasting European food from its fantastic chef who took care of things at The Four Seasons in fancy London) without giving them a second glance and head up the road to this one. 

There is no sign out the door except just inside a nice guy with a menu and a secret agent radio earpiece and if you haven't booked in advance he will probably speak into his microphone, nod his head and send you on your way with a polite "Sorry. We're full up."

more fine food after the break

Annual MazReal Real Mozzie Alternative Awards Part 2 of 2

MazReal staff are now back in London kicking their heels staring out the window as the Atlantic gales rattle the sash windows and ruffle the feathers of the dirty pigeons pecking and sitting on the window ledge and from where belching buses slush through the dirty snow on the streets below and the night sounds of police sirens and kids vandalising cars and telephone kiosks are ever-present. In three weeks we will return to Mazatlán and begin work on our next project. A movie charting the violent history of Mexico through the ages starring Mel Gibson playing all the roles (nowadays he comes cheap and is willing to do any old thing for board and a bottle of beer).


We come to part two of the now famous MazReal Mozzie awards of the year...........

BEST DAY TRIP

US Frontier

Winning hands down for the 25th year running in the 'Best Day Trip' category is the frontier with USA just a few thousand kilometres north in the wondrous emptiness of the Arizona Badlands near Naco. It is here that you can witness first hand the tug of war matches between US citizens who are desperate to immigrate south and spend their pensions in the relative cheapness of Mexico and their own country's law enforcement agencies who are desperate for them not go because they want them to spend their hard earned life savings on US soil.

You can either watch or participate in this archaic struggle by grabbing an arm to help the hapless pensioner make his or her way south. The US citizens making their way across the border have become known as 'Drybacks' because they choose not to cross through a river preferring the relative dryness of a desert and this ancient pre-Hispanic struggle has now become a participation sport called Pullama where the US enforcement agency has luckily been ordered by the Obama government to refrain from shooting the migrant dead as they once used to under Bush. Now they are only allowed to grab a foot and tug. Punching and biting is also forbidden but it is not unheard of that the occasional aged arthritic limb is torn from its socket.

The border guards are allowed to shoot Mexicans and close by is a river where you can count the dead bodies of once desperate Mexican illegal immigrants floating by who have been shot by US border guards and left to the vicious piranhas and crocodiles and hippos. You can also visit the wonderfully colourful graves with bunting where those lucky enough to have been buried lie. Just across on the US side is a Rottweiler and Pit Bull ranch where those vicious dogs are bred to tear apart the Mexicans unlucky enough to have got through.

You owe it to yourselves to swing by and bring a camera too.

A close second in this category is the charming tourist town of El Keleetay that was built by Disneyland Mexico to represent a typical olde worlde Mexican silver mining town with genuine cheese shops, colourful plastic booganville, robotic old Mexicans who smilingly welcome you in their homes to partake in fast food tortillas and you can delight at the antics of young children riding and whipping donkeys half to death and then cheekily ask you for money.



THE BIGGEST FISH

more fishy stuff after the break....

Zeno's Arrow or How To Get Rid Of Univited Guests.

Don't you hate it when you invite friends to your house for dinner and they drag along their friends who are staying with them. People who you would never have invited under normal circumstances. People who even your friends didn't invite but just happened to be passing through Mexico and thought they would drop in and have now stayed for a month. People who you need to hire a mechanical digger to shove out the front door.  More often than not these interlopers are downright terrible company.

Their dress sense is also a dead giveaway as an uninvitable dinner guest and you would rather cross the road or dive into a doorway or dig out your false beard than speak to them on the street. We at the offices of MazReal are considered so insular we do it all the time. So if you see someone in a plastic Grouch Marx face disguise hiding in a doorway it won't be us.


f you haven't already guessed, these are examples of a dress code that for us make the wearers undesirable company. We know it is extremely shallow minded but life is really much too short.

Creased slacks and two-toned shoes just get my goat and are best kept in the confines of those 'men only' 19th holes on the golf course.

Tasseled shoes are OK when kept well out of sight under the ostrich skin desk of your cheapskate lawyer.

Slapping lederhosen is also a no no at our dinner parties. Best kept to Bavaria.

No explanation needed for these poodle-haired 'hard boys' of soft rock image above. That lot I would set my dog on.

This man below is borderline and welcome if he redeems himself and his acid green outfit by bringing along a bottle of outstanding wine and some interesting chat.

Discussing philosophy is a great way for people, if they have enough alcohol under their skin to get involved in a discussion that would allow you to quietly slip away and sit in a dark cupboard with a bottle of vodka and wait for the undesirables to bugger off.

This mind game is one that amused a whole contingent of early Greek logicians and is a paradox called Zeno's Arrow and illustrates the impossibility of motion or change.

Zeno's Arrow by Magritte ( La fleche de Zeno)

The flight of an arrow, said Zeno, is an apparent example of motion. But at any given moment of its flight, the arrow is either where it is or where it is not. If it moves where it is, it must be standing still, and if it moves to where it is not, then it can't be there; thus it can't move. In other words, at every instant of time there is no motion occurring. If everything is motionless at every instant, and time is entirely composed of instants, then motion is impossible.


There you go, try to get your head around that. There is a vast literature trying to prove or disprove or avoid Zeno's conclusion. Lay this on your uninvited guests and the mere mention of discussing philosophy and paradoxical mind games will hopefully get them reaching for their coats and telling you they have forgotten to feed the dog.