Mazatlan Summer News 2014 - What Do You Get Up To?

Mazatlán Summer News - What Do Yew Get Up To?

MazReal staff are on vacation in a cabin in Alert Nunavat somewhere in the far north in Canada, chewing seal fat and drinking snow.

Summer in Mazatlán is seriously hot, like fetid baboon breath apparently. There is no joy in the sunshine and there is very little expat outdoor activity. The occasional pink pale face can be seen behind the glass in Allegro coffee shop or Molika bistro gulping down the chilled air like a fish in a bowl. Passing off half the day in front of a cup of coffee or a pulpo carpaccio until they pluck up the courage to venture out into that fug of heat and moisture and sweatily return to their abode keeping to the shadowed side of the street or the sunny side if you are a mad dog or Englishman.

For a NOB* these equate to 100 and 135 degrees F. And sensación termica roughly translates as perceived temp.

(*NOB is an acronym for a person from North of the Border as used  by a popular columnist from an expat newsletter popular in Mazatlán.)

In expat communities around the world gossip and rumours are naturally present but unfortunately some people take immense delight in casually spreading potentially slanderous and vicious rumours without foundation. So we decided to open the doors on these hardy summer expats to get to the truth of what they get up to during this period of jungle-fever heat and storm so as to quash these sometimes bizarre and outrageous stories floating around expatty-land.

Rosina Revelle aka Lil' Oral Annie, NOB, who is an established writer, columnist, opinion shaper and social commentator. She is considered an authority on popular culture and editor of the online newsletter The Blood and Guts of Mazatlán gets down and dirty interrogating elite members of the professional expat business and artistic community on the subject of, in her no nonsense words:

"How do they get through the day to day fug of rumouring and boredom living in a hot foreign country where no one speaks English and you have to pay fucking taxes if you work?"

Spunky Rosina Revelle demanding an answer to her leading question or else! 

Some of Lil' Annie's freelance work includes stories written for popular soccer and film blogs including this tasty personal excerpt from the popular Uzbekistan film blog Filimy Chittichatti.uz :

Please Azizziz keep your Goddamn clothes on….

At a time when lesser actors with better bods are willing to go all the way on camera, it seems like a pretty dumb move to pitch Azziziz against this sizzling bunch of washboard stomachs and bulging fruit bowls. Remember, Ranveer Zulfizar in '.... Rama Dama Dingdong Leela' also did it for Sayyid Umarkhan, making fans wonder whether Nurmukhammed includes a 'nanga-panga-wanger' clause in the contract for male porno stars. And ahem... Ranbir was an 'unexposed' 25-year-old at the time. Azizziz  alas, at a ripe 99, is well past his sell-by date in the bully beefcake steak stakes. No matter what Muqaddas Jumanova, his partner in prime cuts, has to say, this is one stunt that hasn't hit the G-spot of female fans. The naked truth. Nothing butt! And here it comes: Azizziz Schakchnosa Bekzod - keep your friggin' clothes on. We will love you, anyway! etc etc.

….And here another confessional gem on how she lost the World Cup for the Ugandan Asian soccer Fanzine Footie Footie Fan Fan.

"Shameful confession: I lost the World Cup.

Yes, me Rosina Revelle! I could have stopped that goal. I could have scored one myself. I should have bitten someone's shoulder. Or broken my opponent's vertebra. Or stomped his head into the hallowed turf. Or pulled out my AK and shot the fucker in the head. That's the very least one can do when so much is at stake.

Me? All I did is cheer and get slaughtered on 6 bottles of New Zealand Chardonnay (any excuse...but it's important to express loyalty by picking the appropriate continent for your wine)and a bottle of Stoli. By the time, the tenth round of sausages and sauerkraut got passed around, I knew no amount of crying or farting for Argentina would help.

Over on my side, a few ladies were discussing Shakira's boobs and Gisele's arse. We all agreed our boobs and arses lie all the time. We are much, MUCH slimmer! I recalled the words of Dilip D Mucherooni who said, "We have to stop thinking too much. Wise words Dil!

Even though, Mohan Joshi Josh Balasubramanian Chakrapati, that lunch pack hero was not playing in the World Cup Final, I was instructed by the drunken men to serve prawns (no explanation required if you are a Gujarat!). It must have been the prawns! Had we flown in Argentinian Asado and Churasco for the crucial match, Messi wouldn't have messed up. And I would have won. Thank God my husband no longer has to shout 'Achtung Baby' for the next four more years.."

LOUD IS THE NEW QUIET


STOP PRESS

Mazatlán is Officially Party Town Mexico. 

MazReal Move To Kiev Ukraine Where It Is Quieter. 

Bird Craps on Mayor's Car.

Shock Announcement by Mayor 'Handsome Sal' Salvador Garzón : " Mazatlán Is No Place For Virgins."

New Billboard Poster with this warning will be unveiled at all Mazatlán Entry Warnin

Mazatlán was the New Zacatecas for a short while, now it seems mayor Sal 'Sally Boy' Garzón, his right-hand man Jorge 'El Patrón' Unger and his left-hand man Anibal 'The Hannibal' Gonzalez have designated Mazatlán, particularly around Olas Altas, officially Sleaze City. "We want our state name to describe our city - SINaloa Hahahhah." Sal said.

Anyone who lives in Mazatlán knows the mayor has been hosting back-to-back parties since the French invasion in 1209 sponsored by beer. There has been Easter Week, Carnival Week and coming to the end of Moto Week. Next week is Week Week followed by Beer Week, Music Week, Rent Boy Week, Pink Week etc etc till the end of time. That biggie celebrated by Fucking Great Big Asteroid Week . Unfortunately devoid of  sponsorship as Pacifico will already be on that escape rocket to Mars.

Party Town Mexico or Nueva Cancún as we want to re-christen it, is where anything goes and the music is LOUD. 

"We want to be known as the town where the music is the loudest." screamed 'El Patrón' through a megaphone. "Loud is the new quiet." he continued.

Consequently this will be the last post we upload from Mexico as MazReal and it's staff are moving themselves to Kiev in The Ukraine where we are assured it is much quieter. 

The Sal Decrees:

Paseo Claussen will be pedestrianised from the big flag to the metal man playing a piano at the foot of the hill on the other side. 

Every 10 metres will be a band stand playing music every night from 6pm to 6am, 7 nights a week. 

The road will be lined with food stalls, cock-fighting arenas, speak-easies, tattoo parlours, sin-bins, card sharps, juice joints and lollygaggers. 

Every restaurant and beer joint will have to host a band that plays Creedence Clearwater Revival numbers and out of tune Beatles covers at loudness level 11.

Riot police will patrol and will be under strict orders to throw people against the wall for a quick frisking and kicking and batoning if they look suspicious and are seen not be enjoying themselves. 

The streets linking Paseo Claussen to Plaza Machado will also be closed to traffic allowing late night revellers to use it as a public pissoir and route where they can shout and giggle loudly at all hours of the night. 

Locals and Gringos alike who live in Centro Historic will have to prove to Salvados 'Tough Sal' Garzón (also known as 'Tico' to his kids, '14th Street Steve' to his servant, 'Louie Ha Ha' to his wife and behind his back 'Sal The Gofer' or 'Little Sally' or 'Johnnie Sausage' by his secretary and car wash lackey and rent boy Jesús) that they are party animals and if proven to be boring old farts, they will be rounded up and sent to live amongst the rocks on Goat Hill.


 Yes, Mazatlán is designated No Place For Virgins.

A public awareness campaign aimed mainly at women is now underway to demonstrate how to 'floozify' oneself.  As Salvador 'Las Vegas Pete' Garson recently proclaimed :

"All red-blooded Mexican men love a floozie." using trendy vernacular from the prohibition era so as to appear 'street'.

One of the few women in the administration, Esther Villapanda Acosta head of the department for the Token Woman Department was told to take a holiday while the all-male plan to loosen-up women was put into practice with leaflets and instructive guides.

Ace Reporter Dirk 'Dirk' Dirkerson reports:


Instructive Guides after the break.

News and Views For 2014 In New Zacatecas né Mazatlán

Happy New Year!! MazReal staff have returned to the unseasonably warm weather and set up temporary office on the visiting Greenpiece ship Rainbow Warrior thanks to our promise to campaign against the overfishing of fish and to give them the the credit card details we hacked from Snapfish accounts. Having just returned from incarceration in that sucked-dry (editor. Surely you mean fucked-up?) country of Zimbabwe, we are ecstatic to be back in this wonderful city of New Zacatecas or NoZac for all those wannabes who live in NoMa. Yes New Zacatarse (If you didn't know, Mazatlán is now called New Zacatecas, an important point that all the expat publications have failed to pick up on*.)

Dazed and confused MazReal Staff after having being released from "The Black Hole Of  Zimbo' , the notorious jail in Mugabeland.

*The ever-so canny Mazatlán ( now New Zacatecas) Ayuntamiento worried by the prospective lack of tourists because of the lack of beds lacking in the lack of lacklustre hotels and under the orders of the crazed Feloonytoon PAN administration, changed the name to that of the even more popular city somewhere south and east of here in the Free and Sovereign State of Old Zacatecas. 

So desperate for beds are they, that Deer Island is to be turned into an endangered bird and seal shooting hotel with spewing volcano and 24-7-365 Treasure Island Reality TV show featuring ex-carnival beauty queens wearing Raquel Welsh jaguar skin bikinis armed with spades looking for pirate treasure.

"This city of Old Zacatecas (OldZac) gets all the tourists that are meant for Mazatlán, so we are damned well going to change our name to New Zacatecas or NoZac to please our NoMa residents and get them all back even if we have to send the Marineros over to kidnap them gringos at gunpoint." shouted a crazed frothing-at-the mouth official.

"Let the governor of that naughty PRI run state sue." he continued "….and I'll send our aircraft carrier to sort that communist scumbag out." 


2014 news after the jump...

Christmas Gift Ideas

One way to tolerate Christmas

 Enough said…….


more great ideas after the jump……..

Mazatlán Garbage Mountain

As the end of the year fast approaches and the rounds of parties, boozing and eating begins, we would all like to know where the debris from those occasions go. Well I wanted to know so we at MazReal took a trip to where all our household crap goes if you live in Mazatlán. So for anyone who has not been up the top of this mountain of garbage, very few I suspect unless you had the opportunity of going with The Vineyard Ministries Garbage Mountain Tour to hand out water and a snack, here you go. This is what happens to it…………...

As you can see, there is no need to recycle at source as it is efficiently done here in the stink and heat and these people can earn a few paltry pesos to do it for us. We can only guess who makes the bulk of the recycling money? Not the individuals who do all the work I suspect. However I have a notion but we don't want to go too deep in that direction.

So have a merry Christmas and watch this vid in its full colour and glory full screen by clicking the 1080 HD button.

Produced, filmed, directed and edited by MazReal Productions.

Zimbabwe A Brief Photographic Tour

English weather is always bloody awful so to get away MazReal staff and servants took ourselves off to Zimbabwe Central Africa to escape from the damp and chill for a few weeks. We were to indulge ourselves in a first class tented safari but we got arrested not long after entry and consequently had to lie low after our interrogation and release. Here are some images we bought back as we hastily headed back south to the border and the relative safety of South Africa. As you may see, many of them are taken through the windows of a fast moving car.

The Zimbabwean government decided a while back to embrace the US Dollar as it's own one hundred billion dollar* Zimbabwean note was running out of space to daily add the extra noughts due to the country's rampant inflation. They do not have the foreign currency to send back to the US its $s for recycling so their own are becoming a tad grubby, floppy and well-used. Hence the picture of a worn out buck.

More stuff after the jump:

Food - Kid Restaurant Outside Tepic Nayarit

Round about here on the Tepic to Guadalajara libre 15, 15 Kms passed the 15D highway cuota and turn off to La Laguna de Santa Maria is a restaurant that serves barbecued kid (kid of goat) and other meats. I forgot the name of it or maybe it does not have a name but you cannot miss it if you are heading south to Guadalajara from Tepic. There will always be trucks and cars parked up outside.

It is even worth taking the 3 - 4 hours trip from Mazatlán to go check it out and if you do not mind the sight of skewered baby goat and lamb cooking around a large log fire in the entrance and a few chickens and crowing roosters wandering around the interior, we highly recommend it.

More details after the jump………..