Sunday, October 7, 2012

MazReal in South Africa - Reporting

The goddamn lazy staff at MazReal went on strike over the cold and damp conditions they had to endure whilst huddling around a lump of hot coal in their shed down at the docks in Whitechapel or was it Limehouse London Yoo Kay. Anyway whilst they were high in the air cruising over the deserts of Mali flying south not long after setting a timer on high explosives that destroyed their shed and the surrounding east end of London in an explosion that sent the gross domestic product of that struggling country of Yoo Kay on a downward spiral and all the usual suspects - all immigrants from Irish and Arab speaking countries, to be rounded up and shot.

The aforementioned staff looked for a country without jet lag and terrain that easily matches that of their beloved homelands in Mazatlán Sinaloa State Mexico - thorns, scrub, dust, dirt, swamps, insects, mosquitoes, snakes, an infinite variety of smells, lots of poor people, corruption, scorpions and of course buffaloes, tortoises, lizards and other big predators - but without the debilitating humidity of that area. And they came up with South Africa.

South African Airways drop us in Kwazululimpopo, a speck on the map of Africa.

We went South African naturally. Flying South African Airways was always a delight and we couldn't fault the sloppy service as a dish of something grey with bones was thrown in our laps and the inflight entertainment of flapping wings, one engine falling off over Tanzania and freezing draughts through the dislodged fuselage panels was a one in a million wondrous experience. The landing in some totally random area of the country was also a wonderful way to experience the African bush at first hand and the loss of a number of passengers to hungry large cats was a great way to become accustomed to Darwin's great philosophical work of art The Survival Of The Fittest.

South Africa's lush vegetation and climate never fails to satisfy.
Back at the airport as luck would have it we found a shady tree under which we could gain a little respite from 45 degree C (about 300 degrees F) on the 10 mile walk from terminal 1 to terminal 2 at Johannesburg's fabulous Oliver Tambo International airport.Fortunately our baggage had been rifled of all contents so we had little to carry through the furnace of heat and we were able then to use the empty bags as rafts to cross the crocodile infested Zimbimzulu River only losing three babies to the hungry crocs. We will never forget the self-sacrifice of these plump pink babies that we tossed in the river upstream so the crocodiles diverting to eat them left us time to get to the other bank. However a  further seven of our passengers on the onward flight to Mzilikazikazi were lost to big cats or pythons before we managed to find safety in terminal 2.

 more news from the bottom of Africa after the jump.........

That wonderful country in Southern Africa has a tree, lots of grass and abundant wildlife of the big variety that can be seen gamboling and eating each other somewhere in the picture below taken by our intrepid photographer just before a leopard camouflaged in that very tree jumped down and ate him alive. His camera was found later in the hands of a half-eaten dead baboon that was using it to document pictures taken of it and it's tribe's place somewhere down near the end of the food chain.

South Africa is home to a tree and lots of grass.

And finally That African Country down at the bottom run by that other slightly unhinged African leader of many wives with a name like a can of an exotic fizzy drink - Zuma.

President Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma that is. The benevolent leader and protector, The Big Elephant, KwaziKwazi, Ndlovu, The Rampant Rhino, the man who was charged with rape, racketeering and corruption but as he was the president those accusations were quashed and the accusers were summarily rounded up, tortured and shot.The man who after having the alleged sex with the alleged victim who was allegedly HIV positive, allegedly said "A shower will get rid of it" thereby putting out the message to all those men out there who take advantage of women that it is OK to do so even if they are carrying AIDS that all you have to do is take a shower and everything will be fine.

Below is a picture we recently took of the fine and upstanding President Zuma looking tough taking a stroll in his private acreages of the Kruger National Park and below that is another of a few of his many wives and children. He had recently taken a roll in his favourite mud bath and was luckily in a relaxed mood otherwise he may have snorted and charged the hapless MazReal photographer and trampled him to death.

President Zuma of South Africa

The many wives of the illustrious President Zuma.
Here his wives are out and about doing the chores and baby minding after which they will all meet up at the local 'watering hole' where they will get together for a chat and a cocktail and if the merciful and beneficent leader is in a good mood he may do what all male lusty, misogynist leaders do with their concubines.

Later with MazReal in South Africa,

A trip on one the new and popular Dairy Farm Safaris where milk production can be seen at close quarters and you can watch cows of the Jersey variety eating in a long line in a trough.

Having to work down a gold mine to pay for your meal after your credit card company refuses to pay the bill at a restaurant in Mpulamapulumbulanga.

Why water goes down the plughole in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere and

How to battle the after effects of politely not refusing to eat barbequed recently on the hoof venison and dried farmer's sausage everyday for 10 days.
and many more interesting topics

all images ©2012 MazReal

1 comment:

  1. So far, it sounds about the same as that last vacation you took, sitting around the pool at the Fountainebleau in Miami. Except for the lush vegetation which Miami could use more of. Inately intrepid, yes you are.


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