Saturday, August 24, 2013

Mark Anthony And His Mobile Oven

Don't know if you have ever heard on the streets of Mazatlán a loud steamy whistle that sounds like your drunk next door neighbour is blowing his lungs out through a kiddies cheap tin wind instrument for no reason at all? Well, where we are it is Marco Antonio and his travelling oven passing by advertising himself with his steam powered whistle. 

From his wood-fired oven he sells baked bananas and baked sweet potato for 25 pesos a pop. 

 I don't think I have ever tasted anything so delicate and sweet as the sweet potatoes. The same goes for the bananas. Man they're good..

This guy is a genius.

Apparently they are a common sight in D.F. and there are 5 of these mobile ovens here in Mazatlán.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Mazatlán Summer News

MazReal just got back from their summer holidays in Chile and discovered that it was actually winter down there. That made the capital Santiago to be even more soulless and depressing than it normally is. Imagine yourself holed-up indefinitely in some city in the land of the cuckoo clocks called Switzerland, that inward looking piece of lush land hidden somewhere in the Alps. A scenario that would make any person want to jump off the terrace of the 21st floor apartment. Many a day I found myself teetering on the threshold of that exact floor at the thought of spending 7 more weeks trying figure out what to do with myself so instead locked myself into a cycle of drinking endless Pisco Sours and eating long leisurely lunches. I put on 2 kilos in weight from the sugary cocktail concoctions but did manage to forget at least the last 6 weeks of the experience. I was told I had spent most of it in a tent eating bird shit in Tierra Del Fuego.

Meanwhile it is summer in Mazatlán and for those of us suffering we can read the annual 'how to cope with a Mazatlán summer' article in the local expat rag. The writer of which seems to have fully acclimatized to it to such an extent that his air conditioning unit is actually switched to 'heat' as he now finds it a tad cool. In a previous blog we suggested the easiest way to cope was to hire a punkawalla fresh from the Indian subcontinent but now as we have air conned our office to within an inch of its life we can spend blissful days in arctic conditions and have no need for human powered fan-wavers.

However in the interim much has been happening in this fine city of under the new Felteen administration:

The summer is here and our new city president Senor Fultime (who used his position at Jumapen and its database of 10s of thousands of client's emails to illegally lobby voters to vote in his favour and probably tip the balance his way) has put forward his first Feltin Public Awareness Campaigns 2013-2014 for ways of surviving the 'big heat' and other useful ideas to live a better life in Mazatlán..............

Baby News

Good tips for baby, he suggests, if you live in a luxurious NoMa apartment lording over the riffraff,  is to build a cage and stick the thing (baby) in it outside so it may catch the cool Pacific breezes and probably be pecked alive by our wonderful boiled headed turkey vultures, shrieking Kiskadees and squawking Grackles. One can close the window and forget about its screaming for a few days allowing the wee tike to luxuriate in its own surroundings soaking up the atmosphere of the great outdoors.

more crap after the break

Reporting At Its Finest!

Come on TALK, you only been shot in the stomach we need a sound bite! Or at least a gurgle.

Veracruz, Mexico. Photo by: Félix Márquez

Sunday, August 4, 2013

What You Miss If You Are A Snowbird.

All photographs taken from Olas Altas on this day between 6 am and 6.30 am.

Mazatlán during the winter months provides nice sunset skies virtually every day but in my opinion you can see just too much of them. Whereas in the hot summer months during the rainy season you can observe these skies if you get up early enough. These cold grey skies bursting with energy are less frequent and you have to be on your toes because they don't last long due to the strong winds sweeping them across the horizon and when the sun fully rises, the light destroys the drama.

©2013 Matt Mawson

MazReal Return From Scientific Study in Tierra Del Fuego Chile.

MazReal staff just got back after two months scientifically measuring the flow of glaciers with a tape measure and pencil in Tierra del Fuego and as you can expect it takes a while to see anything moving as geological time proceeds very slowly. Two months in fact to measure one centimetre flowage.  

We astoundingly discovered that the 'movement' was not forward movement at all but was in fact movage backwards. You see, glaciers are really moving backwards and not at all melting from the global increase in temperature because as we discovered it was fucking freezing down there so how could glaciers melt.

Here is a picture of the great Helen Mirren in the film The Tempest used just to illustrate the extreme weather conditions down there. As we bartered our camera for magic mushrooms and albatross eggs we couldn't illustrate how bad the weather was. But we know it was tempestuous as we experienced it first hand.

This astounding discovery of 'natural uphill frozen water movement' contrary to the laws of physics has yet to be taken seriously by the wider scientific community.  But we are hopeful that we are on the brink of a Nobel Prize for something or other. Our new theory of NUPFROW has been taken up in earnest by all members of the GOP and fellow climate change sceptics. Although we have been labelled as flat-earthers, crazy, out of touch and fucking idiots [sic] we stand by our convictions that glaciers move uphill and Tierra Del Fuego is not as warm as The Namibian Desert Hot Plate as it is purported to be.

Anyone who wants to disprove it can just bugger off with their tape measure to the loneliest, coldest wettest most hostile wintery windy place on the planet, sit in a pup tent for 8 weeks eating nothing but lichen, guano and stinkpot birds cooked in various ways and drink puddle water. There you will undoubtably see the backward movement of frozen water and the albatrosses that turn into super models and the garden gnome called Garth that delivers pizza.

Whilst there we did in fact become kind of friendly with a group of Ona Fuegians, the local inhabitants of that region and they would dance by and allow us to share in their ritual of mushroom eating naked body painting. It was after such sessions that we proved our astounding theory

The Ona Fuegians did not allow us to take pictures of them as they considered our 2G iPhones 3s were sooo out of date so we asked them take these wonderful pictures of us with their 4G iPhone 5s. These images illustrate how normal we considered we still looked  after we had been down at the arse end of the world for 7 weeks.

Our scientific work done on global climate change we are now hoping for some Tea Party funding to prove their theory that 5 million Mexicans are illegally crossing the border north every day and shooting dead anyone who gets in their way. We will be billeting ourselves this time in a 5 star establishment in Bisbee Az. going out every day with the hard working  socialist and humanitarian thinking Arizona border patrol.

Back now in tropical Mazatlán our famous scientific team are to prove once and for all that male expats don't always, as cynically reported, wear cargo shorts, moustaches, sandals and Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts for everything including the opera and weddings.

Our paparazzi  photographer, Enzo 'The Cosh' Montana caught this group of expats lads in their untypical 'going out' smart attire who decided this time to dress up as they think European men dress to go to meetings. 

They are mincingly heading out for a powwow with the newly elected Great Leader Of The People Senor Felton to discuss the expat grievance that suggests it is really difficult to pursue frivolous court cases in Mexico whereas in the USA and Canada and coming soon to the UK it is de rigueur to sue the fuck out of anyone whenever it takes their fancy. 

This grievance was sparked by a report by James in the BajaInsider Blog that gives advice to people who want to move south from the north.

James says this:

 "Yes, there is corruption in Mexico and while it has gotten better in most areas, it still exists and the process of suing someone in Mexico is difficult at best even for the Mexican citizen."

In the resulting short but not so sweet confab, Senor Felton the Great Iguana reportedly screamed:   

"@£%*@!(*&^%$£** you @£$£@$ gringos, why don't you £@$%$£@ off back to the crazy planet from whence you came."

As the astounded group of prominent expat men rushed staggering for the door in their Jimmy Choo high heels, Senor Felton was heard to shout 

"And those shoulder pads are so last decade."

© MazReal 2013 Pardric O'Fukem The MazReal scientific correspondent. (Last seen naked and painted green swimming towards Cabo where he heard that is was easy to sue the state of Sinaloa for defamation and lost wages for allowing that he paint himself green and swim to Cabo. He is said to be asking for the amount of the trade surplus of the combined China and the USA economies and replace the CEO of Apple Inc.)

more suing news after the break

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