The Transformation of Mazatlán into Mazopolis

STOP PRESS

Artists impression of Mazopolis The City Of The Future

"Reneée K Folkenflikdik reporting for MazReal Prods Daily here in the Sinaloa War Room and Breakfast bar in downtown Mazopolis....Stupendous things are about to happen and as I look around I can see 12, no 13, or is it 21, paunchy men drinking coffee, giggling like giddy schoolboys throwing paper aeroplanes around the room and having fun with Whoopee cushions and plastic dog turds. Yes, I am amongst this city's top echelon, the palpable presence of go-getters, movers and shakers, heavy hitters, men of influence, rich bastards and local politicians whose actions in this very meeting will change our lives, YES CHANGE OUR LIVES. FOR THE BETTER and FOR EVER.

 

Hang on, something is about to happen. Yes, Mayor General Grand Vizier Feltoon has just walked in zipping up his fly and the room has gone quiet in anticipation. Anticipation as to whether he has washed his hands. You can only hear a fly buzz and the toilet being flushed. Again. By his toilet-flushing minion. El Mayor is slowly, deliberately casting his metallic gaze around the room. The silence is deafening. He holds his hands up. YES YES YES. We can now confirm he has washed his hands and a collective sigh of relief rotates around the table.

The great man himself has just sat down. Wait, did he just fart thunderously. Yes. No, he sat on a Whoopee cushion and the room has erupted into uproarious laughter. Belly laughter like a pack of hyenas celebrating a bloody kill.

Calm is restored with one hawked glance from his steely eye as I sidle now over to the Major General Mayor and Great Elephant N'Dlovu. Here, let me just shove this microphone down your throat..."

"He shuffles his papers and we all lean as one towards him, his animal magnetism drawing us closer, closer...He is like a bull lion who smells a lioness on heat, his nostrils flare and he begins.."

"Mazatlán or New Mazopolis as I decree it will be now called, The Pearl or is it The Jewel or The something-or-other of the Pacific is to become  The City Of The Future."

"Whoops and cheers erupt like a Vesuvius eruption."

"Cars will fly through the smoggy air, skateboarders will have hover boards, our thumbs will be gigantic, our eyes enormous, our skin green and Superman will be on hand to take care of those naughty people who want to protest about wages and conditions. But do not worry, we will not pay them, we have to make cuts, deeeeeep cuts. Our shareholders demand it. Instead to save dough we will ship in Bangladeshi slave workers afresh from building the Soccer World Cup stadium in Qatar and all those refugees that the Europeans are throwing back in the sea. Yes they will build our city with low paid slave-wages and then, YES, we will throw them all back in the sea when they finish."  

Superman keeping an eye on things over The New City Of Mazopolis.

"I cannot believe it, the rich bastards are dancing on the table, tearing up paper and kissing each other. The Great Wazoo of Waziristan is now screaming maniacally and eating his tie."

"Private monies will soon be pouring in to construct space age constructions that will put all the other great Asian cities of the world and Uranus to shame. Tourists will flock into Mazopolis, our new city of the future and all the profits from the MacDonalds, KFC, Dunkin' Donuts, Taco Bell and the rest of those tasty food outlets and all the other other tourist delights planned will be ploughed back out again into the accounts of the private shareholders and politician's pockets and none, I say again NONE will go to improve the roads, lighting, water and education of those nasty poor people that hold our great city together."

 

NoMaz for the richer expat

"We will create jobs, low paid jobs, jobs for cleaners, bed makers, lift opperators and toilet attendants. Great jobs, big jobs, little jobs. Jobs, JOBS JOBS I tells ye."

"Reneée K Folkenflikdik, ace war reporter and chief bottle wash from the MazReal Prod Daily, can I just ask a question Your Highnessness?"

"Go ahead my fine good looking young man (what are you doing after the show eh?)."

"Sir Mayor, down boy! What will this new city consist of besides junk food stalls and cheap tat stalls?

"Well, young fella-me-lad. Here's a list

of our splendid ideas. I am a bit knackered so I hand you over to one of sponsors whose name I have forgotten. Let's call him Senora Smith."

Mazatlan Summer News 2014 - What Do You Get Up To?

Mazatlán Summer News - What Do Yew Get Up To?

MazReal staff are on vacation in a cabin in Alert Nunavat somewhere in the far north in Canada, chewing seal fat and drinking snow.

Summer in Mazatlán is seriously hot, like fetid baboon breath apparently. There is no joy in the sunshine and there is very little expat outdoor activity. The occasional pink pale face can be seen behind the glass in Allegro coffee shop or Molika bistro gulping down the chilled air like a fish in a bowl. Passing off half the day in front of a cup of coffee or a pulpo carpaccio until they pluck up the courage to venture out into that fug of heat and moisture and sweatily return to their abode keeping to the shadowed side of the street or the sunny side if you are a mad dog or Englishman.

For a NOB* these equate to 100 and 135 degrees F. And sensación termica roughly translates as perceived temp.

(*NOB is an acronym for a person from North of the Border as used  by a popular columnist from an expat newsletter popular in Mazatlán.)

In expat communities around the world gossip and rumours are naturally present but unfortunately some people take immense delight in casually spreading potentially slanderous and vicious rumours without foundation. So we decided to open the doors on these hardy summer expats to get to the truth of what they get up to during this period of jungle-fever heat and storm so as to quash these sometimes bizarre and outrageous stories floating around expatty-land.

Rosina Revelle aka Lil' Oral Annie, NOB, who is an established writer, columnist, opinion shaper and social commentator. She is considered an authority on popular culture and editor of the online newsletter The Blood and Guts of Mazatlán gets down and dirty interrogating elite members of the professional expat business and artistic community on the subject of, in her no nonsense words:

"How do they get through the day to day fug of rumouring and boredom living in a hot foreign country where no one speaks English and you have to pay fucking taxes if you work?"

Spunky Rosina Revelle demanding an answer to her leading question or else! 

Some of Lil' Annie's freelance work includes stories written for popular soccer and film blogs including this tasty personal excerpt from the popular Uzbekistan film blog Filimy Chittichatti.uz :

Please Azizziz keep your Goddamn clothes on….

At a time when lesser actors with better bods are willing to go all the way on camera, it seems like a pretty dumb move to pitch Azziziz against this sizzling bunch of washboard stomachs and bulging fruit bowls. Remember, Ranveer Zulfizar in '.... Rama Dama Dingdong Leela' also did it for Sayyid Umarkhan, making fans wonder whether Nurmukhammed includes a 'nanga-panga-wanger' clause in the contract for male porno stars. And ahem... Ranbir was an 'unexposed' 25-year-old at the time. Azizziz  alas, at a ripe 99, is well past his sell-by date in the bully beefcake steak stakes. No matter what Muqaddas Jumanova, his partner in prime cuts, has to say, this is one stunt that hasn't hit the G-spot of female fans. The naked truth. Nothing butt! And here it comes: Azizziz Schakchnosa Bekzod - keep your friggin' clothes on. We will love you, anyway! etc etc.

….And here another confessional gem on how she lost the World Cup for the Ugandan Asian soccer Fanzine Footie Footie Fan Fan.

"Shameful confession: I lost the World Cup.

Yes, me Rosina Revelle! I could have stopped that goal. I could have scored one myself. I should have bitten someone's shoulder. Or broken my opponent's vertebra. Or stomped his head into the hallowed turf. Or pulled out my AK and shot the fucker in the head. That's the very least one can do when so much is at stake.

Me? All I did is cheer and get slaughtered on 6 bottles of New Zealand Chardonnay (any excuse...but it's important to express loyalty by picking the appropriate continent for your wine)and a bottle of Stoli. By the time, the tenth round of sausages and sauerkraut got passed around, I knew no amount of crying or farting for Argentina would help.

Over on my side, a few ladies were discussing Shakira's boobs and Gisele's arse. We all agreed our boobs and arses lie all the time. We are much, MUCH slimmer! I recalled the words of Dilip D Mucherooni who said, "We have to stop thinking too much. Wise words Dil!

Even though, Mohan Joshi Josh Balasubramanian Chakrapati, that lunch pack hero was not playing in the World Cup Final, I was instructed by the drunken men to serve prawns (no explanation required if you are a Gujarat!). It must have been the prawns! Had we flown in Argentinian Asado and Churasco for the crucial match, Messi wouldn't have messed up. And I would have won. Thank God my husband no longer has to shout 'Achtung Baby' for the next four more years.."

LOUD IS THE NEW QUIET


STOP PRESS

Mazatlán is Officially Party Town Mexico. 

MazReal Move To Kiev Ukraine Where It Is Quieter. 

Bird Craps on Mayor's Car.

Shock Announcement by Mayor 'Handsome Sal' Salvador Garzón : " Mazatlán Is No Place For Virgins."

New Billboard Poster with this warning will be unveiled at all Mazatlán Entry Warnin

Mazatlán was the New Zacatecas for a short while, now it seems mayor Sal 'Sally Boy' Garzón, his right-hand man Jorge 'El Patrón' Unger and his left-hand man Anibal 'The Hannibal' Gonzalez have designated Mazatlán, particularly around Olas Altas, officially Sleaze City. "We want our state name to describe our city - SINaloa Hahahhah." Sal said.

Anyone who lives in Mazatlán knows the mayor has been hosting back-to-back parties since the French invasion in 1209 sponsored by beer. There has been Easter Week, Carnival Week and coming to the end of Moto Week. Next week is Week Week followed by Beer Week, Music Week, Rent Boy Week, Pink Week etc etc till the end of time. That biggie celebrated by Fucking Great Big Asteroid Week . Unfortunately devoid of  sponsorship as Pacifico will already be on that escape rocket to Mars.

Party Town Mexico or Nueva Cancún as we want to re-christen it, is where anything goes and the music is LOUD. 

"We want to be known as the town where the music is the loudest." screamed 'El Patrón' through a megaphone. "Loud is the new quiet." he continued.

Consequently this will be the last post we upload from Mexico as MazReal and it's staff are moving themselves to Kiev in The Ukraine where we are assured it is much quieter. 

The Sal Decrees:

Paseo Claussen will be pedestrianised from the big flag to the metal man playing a piano at the foot of the hill on the other side. 

Every 10 metres will be a band stand playing music every night from 6pm to 6am, 7 nights a week. 

The road will be lined with food stalls, cock-fighting arenas, speak-easies, tattoo parlours, sin-bins, card sharps, juice joints and lollygaggers. 

Every restaurant and beer joint will have to host a band that plays Creedence Clearwater Revival numbers and out of tune Beatles covers at loudness level 11.

Riot police will patrol and will be under strict orders to throw people against the wall for a quick frisking and kicking and batoning if they look suspicious and are seen not be enjoying themselves. 

The streets linking Paseo Claussen to Plaza Machado will also be closed to traffic allowing late night revellers to use it as a public pissoir and route where they can shout and giggle loudly at all hours of the night. 

Locals and Gringos alike who live in Centro Historic will have to prove to Salvados 'Tough Sal' Garzón (also known as 'Tico' to his kids, '14th Street Steve' to his servant, 'Louie Ha Ha' to his wife and behind his back 'Sal The Gofer' or 'Little Sally' or 'Johnnie Sausage' by his secretary and car wash lackey and rent boy Jesús) that they are party animals and if proven to be boring old farts, they will be rounded up and sent to live amongst the rocks on Goat Hill.


 Yes, Mazatlán is designated No Place For Virgins.

A public awareness campaign aimed mainly at women is now underway to demonstrate how to 'floozify' oneself.  As Salvador 'Las Vegas Pete' Garson recently proclaimed :

"All red-blooded Mexican men love a floozie." using trendy vernacular from the prohibition era so as to appear 'street'.

One of the few women in the administration, Esther Villapanda Acosta head of the department for the Token Woman Department was told to take a holiday while the all-male plan to loosen-up women was put into practice with leaflets and instructive guides.

Ace Reporter Dirk 'Dirk' Dirkerson reports:


Instructive Guides after the break.

News and Views For 2014 In New Zacatecas né Mazatlán

Happy New Year!! MazReal staff have returned to the unseasonably warm weather and set up temporary office on the visiting Greenpiece ship Rainbow Warrior thanks to our promise to campaign against the overfishing of fish and to give them the the credit card details we hacked from Snapfish accounts. Having just returned from incarceration in that sucked-dry (editor. Surely you mean fucked-up?) country of Zimbabwe, we are ecstatic to be back in this wonderful city of New Zacatecas or NoZac for all those wannabes who live in NoMa. Yes New Zacatarse (If you didn't know, Mazatlán is now called New Zacatecas, an important point that all the expat publications have failed to pick up on*.)

Dazed and confused MazReal Staff after having being released from "The Black Hole Of  Zimbo' , the notorious jail in Mugabeland.

*The ever-so canny Mazatlán ( now New Zacatecas) Ayuntamiento worried by the prospective lack of tourists because of the lack of beds lacking in the lack of lacklustre hotels and under the orders of the crazed Feloonytoon PAN administration, changed the name to that of the even more popular city somewhere south and east of here in the Free and Sovereign State of Old Zacatecas. 

So desperate for beds are they, that Deer Island is to be turned into an endangered bird and seal shooting hotel with spewing volcano and 24-7-365 Treasure Island Reality TV show featuring ex-carnival beauty queens wearing Raquel Welsh jaguar skin bikinis armed with spades looking for pirate treasure.

"This city of Old Zacatecas (OldZac) gets all the tourists that are meant for Mazatlán, so we are damned well going to change our name to New Zacatecas or NoZac to please our NoMa residents and get them all back even if we have to send the Marineros over to kidnap them gringos at gunpoint." shouted a crazed frothing-at-the mouth official.

"Let the governor of that naughty PRI run state sue." he continued "….and I'll send our aircraft carrier to sort that communist scumbag out." 


2014 news after the jump...

Mazatlán Summer News

MazReal just got back from their summer holidays in Chile and discovered that it was actually winter down there. That made the capital Santiago to be even more soulless and depressing than it normally is. Imagine yourself holed-up indefinitely in some city in the land of the cuckoo clocks called Switzerland, that inward looking piece of lush land hidden somewhere in the Alps. A scenario that would make any person want to jump off the terrace of the 21st floor apartment. Many a day I found myself teetering on the threshold of that exact floor at the thought of spending 7 more weeks trying figure out what to do with myself so instead locked myself into a cycle of drinking endless Pisco Sours and eating long leisurely lunches. I put on 2 kilos in weight from the sugary cocktail concoctions but did manage to forget at least the last 6 weeks of the experience. I was told I had spent most of it in a tent eating bird shit in Tierra Del Fuego.

Meanwhile it is summer in Mazatlán and for those of us suffering we can read the annual 'how to cope with a Mazatlán summer' article in the local expat rag. The writer of which seems to have fully acclimatized to it to such an extent that his air conditioning unit is actually switched to 'heat' as he now finds it a tad cool. In a previous blog we suggested the easiest way to cope was to hire a punkawalla fresh from the Indian subcontinent but now as we have air conned our office to within an inch of its life we can spend blissful days in arctic conditions and have no need for human powered fan-wavers.

However in the interim much has been happening in this fine city of under the new Felteen administration:

The summer is here and our new city president Senor Fultime (who used his position at Jumapen and its database of 10s of thousands of client's emails to illegally lobby voters to vote in his favour and probably tip the balance his way) has put forward his first Feltin Public Awareness Campaigns 2013-2014 for ways of surviving the 'big heat' and other useful ideas to live a better life in Mazatlán..............

Baby News

Good tips for baby, he suggests, if you live in a luxurious NoMa apartment lording over the riffraff,  is to build a cage and stick the thing (baby) in it outside so it may catch the cool Pacific breezes and probably be pecked alive by our wonderful boiled headed turkey vultures, shrieking Kiskadees and squawking Grackles. One can close the window and forget about its screaming for a few days allowing the wee tike to luxuriate in its own surroundings soaking up the atmosphere of the great outdoors.


more crap after the break

MazReal Return From Scientific Study in Tierra Del Fuego Chile.

MazReal staff just got back after two months scientifically measuring the flow of glaciers with a tape measure and pencil in Tierra del Fuego and as you can expect it takes a while to see anything moving as geological time proceeds very slowly. Two months in fact to measure one centimetre flowage.  

We astoundingly discovered that the 'movement' was not forward movement at all but was in fact movage backwards. You see, glaciers are really moving backwards and not at all melting from the global increase in temperature because as we discovered it was fucking freezing down there so how could glaciers melt.

Here is a picture of the great Helen Mirren in the film The Tempest used just to illustrate the extreme weather conditions down there. As we bartered our camera for magic mushrooms and albatross eggs we couldn't illustrate how bad the weather was. But we know it was tempestuous as we experienced it first hand.

This astounding discovery of 'natural uphill frozen water movement' contrary to the laws of physics has yet to be taken seriously by the wider scientific community.  But we are hopeful that we are on the brink of a Nobel Prize for something or other. Our new theory of NUPFROW has been taken up in earnest by all members of the GOP and fellow climate change sceptics. Although we have been labelled as flat-earthers, crazy, out of touch and fucking idiots [sic] we stand by our convictions that glaciers move uphill and Tierra Del Fuego is not as warm as The Namibian Desert Hot Plate as it is purported to be.

Anyone who wants to disprove it can just bugger off with their tape measure to the loneliest, coldest wettest most hostile wintery windy place on the planet, sit in a pup tent for 8 weeks eating nothing but lichen, guano and stinkpot birds cooked in various ways and drink puddle water. There you will undoubtably see the backward movement of frozen water and the albatrosses that turn into super models and the garden gnome called Garth that delivers pizza.

Whilst there we did in fact become kind of friendly with a group of Ona Fuegians, the local inhabitants of that region and they would dance by and allow us to share in their ritual of mushroom eating naked body painting. It was after such sessions that we proved our astounding theory

The Ona Fuegians did not allow us to take pictures of them as they considered our 2G iPhones 3s were sooo out of date so we asked them take these wonderful pictures of us with their 4G iPhone 5s. These images illustrate how normal we considered we still looked  after we had been down at the arse end of the world for 7 weeks.

Our scientific work done on global climate change we are now hoping for some Tea Party funding to prove their theory that 5 million Mexicans are illegally crossing the border north every day and shooting dead anyone who gets in their way. We will be billeting ourselves this time in a 5 star establishment in Bisbee Az. going out every day with the hard working  socialist and humanitarian thinking Arizona border patrol.

Back now in tropical Mazatlán our famous scientific team are to prove once and for all that male expats don't always, as cynically reported, wear cargo shorts, moustaches, sandals and Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts for everything including the opera and weddings.

Our paparazzi  photographer, Enzo 'The Cosh' Montana caught this group of expats lads in their untypical 'going out' smart attire who decided this time to dress up as they think European men dress to go to meetings. 

They are mincingly heading out for a powwow with the newly elected Great Leader Of The People Senor Felton to discuss the expat grievance that suggests it is really difficult to pursue frivolous court cases in Mexico whereas in the USA and Canada and coming soon to the UK it is de rigueur to sue the fuck out of anyone whenever it takes their fancy. 

This grievance was sparked by a report by James in the BajaInsider Blog that gives advice to people who want to move south from the north.

James says this:

 "Yes, there is corruption in Mexico and while it has gotten better in most areas, it still exists and the process of suing someone in Mexico is difficult at best even for the Mexican citizen."

In the resulting short but not so sweet confab, Senor Felton the Great Iguana reportedly screamed:   

"@£%*@!(*&^%$£** you @£$£@$ gringos, why don't you £@$%$£@ off back to the crazy planet from whence you came."

As the astounded group of prominent expat men rushed staggering for the door in their Jimmy Choo high heels, Senor Felton was heard to shout 

"And those shoulder pads are so last decade."

© MazReal 2013 Pardric O'Fukem The MazReal scientific correspondent. (Last seen naked and painted green swimming towards Cabo where he heard that is was easy to sue the state of Sinaloa for defamation and lost wages for allowing that he paint himself green and swim to Cabo. He is said to be asking for the amount of the trade surplus of the combined China and the USA economies and replace the CEO of Apple Inc.)

more suing news after the break

Mazatlán Monthly News Roundup

In between making movies we still have the time to draw your attention to what's happenin' in and around Mazatlán. It is March and soon the clocks will change to allow us more sunlight at some part of the day and more night at others. It's all very confusing really. 

Guns and drugs are the scourge of our society and this month we uncover the extent of gun ownership amongst us.

Just to show MazReal is an unbiased news site we have invited far-right wing conservative  investigative journalist, part-time fascist, Ayn Rand nut and woman about town, Justine "Bill" Farnsworth. "Bill" who can only be seen at the best get-togethers, restaurants and art happenings, has unearthed and brings to you an alarming truism. An alarming truism she claims she unearthed while nosing around the bathrooms and bedroom drawers at expatriate parties - 

North Americans and many other nations love guns. 



She takes up the story.

"Pemsi, my  beautiful youthful Nepalese boy-servant and I spent the next weeks in a state of complete excitement, baking up a storm in the kitchen. I can only conclude that I overestimated the absorbency of Yak butter oatcakes, since I have no recollection of how we came to be found in Angel Peralta Cemetery the next morning, nor what we were doing naked on that mausoleum, with most of our clothes and rubber accoutrements scattered  from the main gate gate like a trail of crumbs in a fairytale. The police seemed satisfied at my explanation that I was demonstrating to the fine-boned youth an early pagan ritual celebrating the rising sun by discarding our earthly clothes. 500 pesos sent the naughty men on their way.

Back to guns. My curiosity was piqued on seeing a picture of the stunningly beautiful hero of mine, Sarah 'Grizzly Mama' Palin smilingly caressing a high powered sniper rifle after ending the life of a rabid bear staked to the ground and a herd of vicious grazing domesticated Caribou while lying at a safe distance of a mile or two."We all got to eat." she said "And us Alaskonians have got good appetites." she added.
 
Women with guns? That's what I endeavoured to find out in this tranquil village of Centro Mazatlán. We all know that our nation north, south, east and west of the border love guns, we all know men love guns, ritually rubbing themselves all over in gun oil, caressing the barrels and getting off on the smell of cordite from discarded shells and I was determined to prove that us women are equally enamoured by guns but not necessarily the gun oil part of it. And we all agree that we need a closet stacked with guns to protect us from something or other. So I feverishly invited myself to all the parties in Centro to find out the truth.

Teenager Arngunnur Maliiinannguaggua originally from Yukon by way of Iceland demonstrates how to give the person on the other end of her 12 bore shot gun the steely eye to show that she really means business and will not hesitate to take a potential drunk's head off with a double barrel of buckshot if they so much as offer to buy her a tall latte down at the Looney Toons Beanpole on the Malecón. 

"The animal from this coat I am wearing was at the receiving end of this very gun not so long ago." she added.


more gunz after the jump

Expatriate Pastimes

It is always good to get away from Mazatlán for a few months so one can laughingly look back down into the petri dish and gain a fresh perspective on the expatriate population living there and how they pass their time. In my experience of being a professional expatriate and expatriot all my life I know that expatriates have a natural missionary zeal (ie. the conversion of much of Africa, China and Latin America into the Christian and other dodgy faiths) and like to partake in social get togethers sharing their hard earned knowledge over tea and moonshine and try to get you into all manner of secret societies and crazy cults. 

Mazatlán is full of expats from every country north of the border and one or two from elsewhere and here's some of them........

The MazReal photographer took this fantastic photograph of some the wonderful expats living in Mazatlán. They laughingly agreed to get together in this group pic on the beautiful Olas Altas beach

The overspill from the beach spilled out into the Plaza Machado where we captured them again having a wonderful time standing around cheering something probably the fact that the new clock erected at the Plaza is now showing the correct time at least once in every 12 hours.

Here are some examples of what they get up to in their spare time and a small example of the societies and clubs they belong to in this fine city of eternal noise, dust and dried prawn smells:

More expat shenanigans after the jump............

Art - Mexican Artist's View Of Disney Land

Disasterland is Mexican artist Rodolfo Loaiza‘s ode to pop culture, cosmetic surgery, drug use, and obsession with celebrity reflected back at us via some of The Walt Disney Company’s most valuable trademarks.