Thursday, January 9, 2014

News and Views For 2014 In New Zacatecas né Mazatlán


Happy New Year!! MazReal staff have returned to the unseasonably warm weather and set up temporary office on the visiting Greenpiece ship Rainbow Warrior thanks to our promise to campaign against the overfishing of fish and to give them the the credit card details we hacked from Snapfish accounts. Having just returned from incarceration in that sucked-dry (editor. Surely you mean fucked-up?) country of Zimbabwe, we are ecstatic to be back in this wonderful city of New Zacatecas or NoZac for all those wannabes who live in NoMa. Yes New Zacatarse (If you didn't know, Mazatlán is now called New Zacatecas, an important point that all the expat publications have failed to pick up on*.)

Dazed and confused MazReal Staff after having being released from "The Black Hole Of  Zimbo' , the notorious jail in Mugabeland.

*The ever-so canny Mazatlán ( now New Zacatecas) Ayuntamiento worried by the prospective lack of tourists because of the lack of beds lacking in the lack of lacklustre hotels and under the orders of the crazed Feloonytoon PAN administration, changed the name to that of the even more popular city somewhere south and east of here in the Free and Sovereign State of Old Zacatecas. 

So desperate for beds are they, that Deer Island is to be turned into an endangered bird and seal shooting hotel with spewing volcano and 24-7-365 Treasure Island Reality TV show featuring ex-carnival beauty queens wearing Raquel Welsh jaguar skin bikinis armed with spades looking for pirate treasure.

"This city of Old Zacatecas (OldZac) gets all the tourists that are meant for Mazatlán, so we are damned well going to change our name to New Zacatecas or NoZac to please our NoMa residents and get them all back even if we have to send the Marineros over to kidnap them gringos at gunpoint." shouted a crazed frothing-at-the mouth official.

"Let the governor of that naughty PRI run state sue." he continued "….and I'll send our aircraft carrier to sort that communist scumbag out." 



2014 news after the jump...



This month's guest reporters are no other than Admiral Sir Reginald Aylmer Ranfurley Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax the roving reporter from the Emerald Isle who found himself recently washed up on Olas Altas and who now lives in a cardboard box in MEGA car park.

 '"The last feckin' ting I knew I was having a wee feckin' drink in The Jolly Bearded Irishman pub in feckin' County Cork Ireland last week."he exclaimed in his usual cross-eyed snarling manner. "Who the fek are you?" he said falling face down on the concrete.



….and the tabloid fixture Ellie-May Twistleton-Wykeham-Fiennes (cousin of then famous explorer and hard man Rannulph something-or-other) who will be delightfully adding her fragrance to the social, food and naked men's wrestling columns.

"Delighted." she purred





EATING and DRINKING

"We have an etiquette of eating and drinking in this newly named town of Neo Zacytechy and any of you out there who don't like it can just climb back on that boat from whence you came and bugger off back to that country of France where anything goes.

Alphonsos in Plaza Machado.
1. Dogs in restaurants.

This city is a city of dog lovers and doggy tolerant eating joints. It is a city where we really don't mind if you cannot be bothered to clean up after your mutt has pooped next to kids playing on the beach. You see, the waves will just wash the crap away as they do with all the other garbage you are too bone-idle to carry back home with you. We are very tolerant of our smelly four-legged friends and we invite you to bring 'em along so they may sit and dine with you. Here, above, is the pet-tolerant restaurant Alphonsos Tyrolean Pasta and Schnitzel Dog Lovers Joint in the Plazuelo Machado where dogs and parrots are actively encouraged and kids are actively discouraged.

"I love dogs", says Alphonso "and I hate kids. They're dirty smelly, drop hair, harbour fleas and bark and only want to eat raw meat and Chum. Whereas to the pooches we can serve simple hamburgers and fries from the Little Doggy Menu."

I asked him if he surely had dogs confused with kids.

Barking and cocking his leg against a tree he galloped off to the kitchen but not before I had to reprimand him severely for trying to sniff my crotch.

2. Meet The Meat Chef. 


Horse meat is all the rage in France but the Chinese are complaining that their donkey meat contains meat from other bovine animals and are planning a war on the Japanese for stealing their islands which have meat on them and the Brits are themselves mobilising troops to attack Eastern Europe because they suggest that those damn foreigners are introducing horse meat into their mad-cow cow meat. Not to be left out  the majority of US citizens are complaining that the double 16 oz hamburger patties on their sandwiches are too damn small so they have lobbied the government to bomb the shit out of Argentina, Nebraska, Texas and Kansas on the pretext that they are harbouring WMD but we all know they want to take control of the meat and hog production and allow Obama some favourable ratings before he steps down.

But here in Nuevo Zackers we can be assured that our donkey meat is really what is it says it is. Famous local chef Zizzi 'Cleaver' Gondola can always be seen on Tuesdays trawling the state with his chauffeur on the look out for the plumpest, natural grass fed donkeys. Here we caught up with him laughingly sitting pillion at speed back to town so the donkey steak can be fresh on your table within minutes.

"I pride myself on the donkey still chewing its cud when I slap it onto the wooden killing block in my kitchen off Plaza Machado." laughingly chortled Cleaver. 'From farm to Your table' is the mantra we all preach here in this delightful town of Neve Zacklesahl."

'Cleaver' is owner and chef at the famous Zizzi's Venetian Equidae Asinus Africanus Restaurant. He says he cannot get enough domesticated animal meat products and has to serve 'floor scraping' pork products on Tuesdays while he is out looking for  'Farm From To Your Table' animal products.





Zizzi's Matre Dee, the lovely Bertha, points to a sign on the wall with her right finger and shows off a 'floor scraping' long dark thing inside a cardboard container



A devotee of 'floor scraping' wieners who wishes to remain anonymous takes advantage of the wiener Tuesdays to indulge herself.



To reinforce the fact that our restaurants are not serving enough Fram To El Mesa meat on Tuesdays, expat women groups have taken to the streets bearing placards demanding more meat and meat related products and less bean stew and wienerschnitzels and related floor scraping products.

Some have even taken to tying themselves to the New Zacatecas to Guadalajara railway line in protest

Flame-haired Ginger Rogers (no relation) says "I will stay as long as Tuesdays are banned."

Sergio the engine driver says "I am happy to sit here staring at her for as long as it takes."


…and others have taken the more drastic measures of arming themselves and taking to the mountains to shoot venison and related products in guerrilla-style Tuesday hunting parties.



Anything found in the kitchen can be utilised to get this Feltain Administration to uphold the ban on Tuesday donkey and horse related products. These expat ladies below armed with their kitchen utensils mean business.

"As long as my frozen donkey burger doesn't come from Uzbekistan is all I can say." muttered the one with the baseball slugger.

"We'll slaughter anyone who offers us the vegetarian option in any of the Centro Historico eating joints on any Tuesday." growled the one with the Uzi (they declined to give their names but we know they are all from the frozen tundras of Canada where they are known to kill all manner of animals)


We are on your side ladies………

and suggest the Feltone administration just ban Tuesdays for good.


On the ill fated day ofTuesday all expat men head down to the Parrot Bar and Boistro and get seriously drunk.

The Expat Women's Wagon Temperance Group have taken the opportunity of the civil unrest in downtown historic zone to come out and demand their menfolk decide between going back to U.S. and drinking booze as many expats are finding it preferable to fall off the wagon than go back and live in the United States.

We all agree that the stoney-faced women protestors below will send the men sprinting to the liquor store. Their temperance campaign will do nothing, in our collective editorial opinion, to curb the expat men's Tuesday excess boozing. We really think these bad-tempered do-gooders bugger off to whence they came or else we'll do something.


Back to Food and the 'Frim Fram To Table' campaign.


Ellie-May Twistleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, our culture, men's naked wrestling in olive oil and food commentator is seen taking advantage of the meat crisis to show us how to eat spaghetti at Tony's on The Plaza.

"I eat at Tony Mobsters on the Plaza and I don't give a damn how many different animals are minced into my Bolognese." she gushed through a mouthful of something red,  "He's Italian and his Mama aka "Mimi The Mad Dog" Pinzolo's tomato paste recipe is to die for and when combined with his Auntie -  Georgia "The Grim Reaper" Scarpaccio's bolognese sauce, man, I'd …... . ." 

 Lost for words Elli-May fainted and fell face-first into her spaghetti.

Chef and Owner Tony "Tough Tony" Bompensiero or "Tony the Bomp" or "Little Nicky" or "Chee Chee' Dimayo or "Old Man" Tony as he will no doubt be known was not there to comment as he is doing time in Sing Sing, Riker's Island and Folsom concurrently and then onto Attica Correctional Institute when he gets through with those notorious lock-ups.  



SIERRA MADRE CHEESE WAR SCOOP!!!




From The Frim To Your Table campaigners have discovered a thought-to-be-lost lost tribe of Dutch Huguenot women chess-makers living high in the Sierra Madre's and in a bizarre turn of events have disrupted a delicate ecological cheese balance that has turned into a particularly nasty cheese war.

The opening of the new Durango highway allowed the campaigners on a quest to find a farm to send to your table to drive directly through the Huguenots farmstead on the new road that has divided communities and caused a small guerrilla war amongst these lost cheese-making tribes who since now never knew of the others existence, so remote were they. This vicious febrile war is escalating into one of who makes the best and smelliest cheese and who can provide the Frim The From To Your Babel campaigners with their particular brand of blue mountain yak cheese.

And it was only when they stopped to fix a puncture that the campaigners came upon these three smiling women from yesteryear holding out wheels of cheese in a peace offering. The women with pointy hats handed over the particularly pungent cheese and promptly got down on their knees and fixed the tire.

The From the farm etc etc campaigners immediately struck a deal whereupon this women-only community will venture down once a month on their Yaks to deliver this godawful stinky Yak milk cheese to the farmers market on that Plaza where they sell organic stuff.

As a result of this one-sided deal the war is turning nasty with every mountain blue and green cheese-maker wanting in on the act.





A representative of The lost tribe of Welsh Cheese-makers, The Llanfaifechen Chirks, looking suitably pissed off at the intrusion of the 21st century thrust upon herald because of the unthoughful free introduction of iPads and Samsung Galaxies by the evangelical campaigners for Fresh Farm Stuff To Doorstep to these 'flat-earthers' will surely destroy the foundations of their society within a week we predict.


3: Culture Quest.

What's Goin' On and What The Hell Does It All Mean?

Cultura has worked very hard to bring a variety of high-quality, international events for the 2014 Festival Cultural Mazatlan. Last month we saw the Ouagadugu troupe The Mud-Encrusted-Poison-Arrow jungle trio dancing the famous Dances Of Possession and Coming and African music ambassador Kiokiewaku, the Muchongoyo. Both were sell-out shows that tickled our fannys for the many weeks of events still to come. The Ougadugugudugu Troupe (below) performed by Amakwenkwe of the Xhosa, the Umteyo (Shaking Dance) involves the rapid undulation or shaking of the thorax so that the whole length of the spine appears to be rippling. Older men, Amadoda, do a similar dance, The Xhensa accompanied by singing, farting and clapping while dancers draw their breath in and out through a relaxed larynx, producing a kind of guttural roar like demented banshees. 

They improvise or use the standard side to side shuffling movement lifting their feet from the ground and levitating for an hour. In contrast the men perform high knee lifts, returning their feet quickly to the ground. Though this dance was believed to be based on the Yorubabubu dance from Badangry because the Yorubabubu Mud Face costume was used, some Yorubabububalu words were used in Agahunni songs, and the dance is associated with the Nigerian town of Badangry. Agahumalu is a popular social dance in West Africa. Agahu's music is also very important to the dance. Dance movements are closely related to the percussive rhythms and songs and sea shanties. The lead drum called an agbobabubu, a large barrel-shaped drum, can distinguish Agahumalolo from other dances. In this dance there are two circles, one with men and the other with women etc etc……………...

Please make it stop. Ed




Following in the African fashion of Cultura's programme is the Sounds Of A Thousand Strings 'Music For Big Dame Hunters' where the aforementioned ex-beauty queens skimpy in Raquel Welsh animal skin bikinis take a break from reality TV treasure hunting on Deer Island and accompany the thousand strings band by doing something up a tree.

This spectacular takes place in a tree in Plazuela Machado much to the unexpected delight of Friday Night diners. We presume many rich sad single old men from NoMa to turn up with their bows and arrows whereupon they can pay big bucks to bag themselves a trophy. The Band of a thousand strings will still play the ngomas and the mukwas, but the tree dance will take on a sexual emphasis becoming something akin to bumping and grinding, almost violent in its urgency. 



Here is a dance troupe that we applaud Cultura in procuring. Again we will have the privilege in witnessing the Top Hat and Thunderpant Troupe from the Turkmenistan Nonviolent Radical Party doing their thing down on Olas Altas Beach. We haven't a clue what to expect but reckon they will somewhere in the show perform a series of athletic flic flacs, rip off their oversize baggy thunder pants a la The Full Monty and in a flash cover their private parts with their Toppers. Judging by the height of their spectaular hats we expect the boys to be fairly well-hung in the trouser department. The spectacular finale will be the bunch of them swimming bare-arsed towards Cabo or Deer island where they will join the Aztecatec Reality TV Treasure Hunt.



On a lighter note Jean Baptiste and Marie Josèphe Charbonneau from Nova Scotia (below) will make African animals out of prophylactics.

This appearance is nightly at the Loonytoon Bean Café on Olas Altas.

Get down there, enjoy a cuppa Java and laugh along with these two cheery folks from small town Labradorlandia in StephenHarperLand.



This show is sponsored by the Saxon Big Boy Condom Co. and below a company rep succinctly explains how it all works.




Music is provided by Odalia Robicheaux and her squeeze-box singing swamp alligator from Bajou in the delta.



Free Saxon Big Boys with every machiatta. So get on down.


4. Profiles

The fragrent Ellie-May reporting on society news.




Beauty 2014 Carnaval hopeful Destinee Hookah gushingly receiving her crown for the 'Miss Exploding Head' Competiton from the Cultoora representatives. She will go forward towards the 'choosing of the carnival 2014 queen' race. 

"We all hope she a has a rich backer otherwise she will have no hope in hell."



"The expats, The Nelsons, from the Expat Ultra Conservative Evagelical Tent Revival Missionary Cheese Making Soc. of NoMa NoZac are going on a missionary quest to convert all of Ghana to cheese and hopefully bring some products back for the Fram To Your Ceiling campaign."

"We wish Karen, Jean, Harold and their smug little blond brat all the best as they head out in their Ghanaian tribal wear purchased from the new Loook Ethic Shop opposite Water's Edge Boistro."

"The owner of that shop assured the Nelson's that their get-up he bought third hand dirt cheap from Gap China is authentic West African tribal garb and will surely save them from being shot by Al Qaida extremists."




Word has it that that ex-expat drunken lunatic from that country of Oistralia was found lying in a pile of his own empty Bundenburg Oztralian rum on the Acapulco dockside. He was nabbed trying to sneak back into the country disguised as a  'Weegee-Type' photographer. We can all count ourselves lucky that he only got as far as he did before being apprehended.



Expat arch-shoplifter Jackie 'Jackee The Lackey' Scappioni otherwise known as Patrick "Pattie The Bronx' DeFilipino and other times as Joesphine 'Joe The Dip' Dippolino after having being nabbed then escaped and on the lam for a few days where she got as far as Oxxo in NoMa filling her specially constructed leg pouches with candy and chips and sweet pop. Here she proudly displays her wares in this police photo.

"And we all thought she had big thighs." commented Ellie-May "now she resides in lock-down at the Mazatlán correctional institute for naughty expatriots."




"Lovely Cookie Crackenbush from Cranbrook Canada is giving free classes in how to pour wine using your feet."
"This leaves your hands free to do other things." she slurred. "



"Great 'rug' news for expat men who want to try something else with their head of hair other than hanging onto to those mangy pony-tails. Be a different man every day and astound your friends with your rapid changes of appearance or disguises if you will.

You can now, when invited to those parties that thoughtfully provide food, eat as much as you can, as quick as you can, clearing all the food off the table without a thought for those guests who prefer a more leisurely eating regime who arrive at the table 20 minutes after the food being placed thereon finding only crumbs. Now you can wear a different hair 'do' to every party and eat like a starving gannet content without future derision and being banned from subsequent get-togethers."

Available from Peluquería Rex on Teniente Azueta.

5. Around the Churchs News

The Snake handlers…….



Local ham-fisted Snake Handlers can now celebrate because Azalia Snail, snake-handing evangelist hailing from some mountain community in The Appalachains and snake-handler chief at the Pentecostal Church of No Other Gog Magog Than God off Calle Venus, is in town and giving lessons in snake handling.  She'll come round with her own serpent, a big black mamba called Cyril, and show you new techniques.

Ms. Snail continues "We don't forgot all those worshippers who lay hands on the sick, speak in tongues, provide testimony of miracles, consume strychnine and roll their heads round and round and of course we will never forget our father John Wayne 'Punkin' Brown who was bit by an evil serpent spawn of the devil mountain diamond-back rattler."

"I heard that the church has a dwindling congregation due to snake bite deaths because Pentecostal  kids spend too much time on their iPads social networking and porn gazing and not enough time concentrating on handling these deadly vipers and mambas and timber rattlers. So I got over here as soon as I could to teach them the art of 'Snake Whispering." she gigglingly gushed.

Editorial Aside :

These fucking idiots messing around with snakes chanting St Mark: In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover - etc etc  should in our subjective and biased editorial view be put on the first boat out of here along with their frickin' serpents and dumped on Deer Island.

More religious shenanigans.



Word on the street has it that the Ultra Conservative Appalachian Holiness Movement church, cousins of the pesky snake charmers are cutting a swathe into the local Roman Catholic flock by holding mass outdoor confessional services and palooza thrash metal festivals here in Nevo Zacletex. 

"Viking Thrash, Swedish Death Metal and Black Thrash bands from Scandinavia are very popular in that they induce mass hysteria and drive out the devil's spawn." the leader and great Zog of the planet Finloondia screamed.

The bands Mongo Ninja, Violated and Blood Tsunami are especially worshipped as the fucking ear-bleeding racket they produce induces: "Speaking in tongues, pea soup spewing and head-spinning." they say.





In the rainy season the crazed church thoughtfully provides mobile corrugated tin roofs to allow shelter from the rain and other sky-borne signs of the apocalypses like raining frogs and locusts. 

"Why not use tents like most other revivalist movement. They are lighter you know?" we inquired

"Mind your own damn business you heathen." they retorted

The Holiness movement use young converts and slaves to stagger around the county carrying revival tin roofs to the congregations who due to persecution by his Holiness The Pepe IIII , they also say, and complaints from their neighbours about the horrific noise have moved themselves into the Sierra Madre's and make cheese and related dairy products.




UCHM Church posters suggesting the right way to go…………...


24. 2014 Carnaval Queen News

The 2014 Carnaval Queens are being chosen and Cultoora has come up with some novel ways to wean out the pack of beauties.

Round 1

Test of agility and violence.



Ultaviolent Queen Tag Team Wrestling where anything goes..  This is a family event so come on down to German Evers Stadium. The winner of those hopefuls with the least injuries will go to the next round. 


Round 2

Test of endurance and strength.


Here the pretty clones drag the boss of Cooltura around town, along the beach, to Deer Island and back, to El Quelite, Copala and to Tepic and back and he makes a choice out of those left standing. 


Round 3.

Horse riding lessons


Horses are an integral part of the Mexican lifestyle and landscape and the hopefuls will have to learn to ride a horse if the winner is to visit villages to help those less fortunate than themselves and help with world peace. As there is no money to hire a real horse, volunteer men will take the place of the beast. 

(volunteers can line up round the block of MazReal's office.)


Round 4

This is a test of something-or-other.



Carnaval Queen Walnut Synchronised Swimming.

Round 5.

This round is a test of the hopeful's emotions.


Their loved ones of the queens are shipped off to Devil's Island there to remain for 10 years subsisting on sand and palm leaves. Who so ever doesn't throw themselves into the water after the departing ship is the winner and goes forward to the philosophy round.

Round 6.

A test of knowledge, reading skills and memory.


The Queens are expected to read a whole pile of books by Plato, Jung and Das Kapital by Marx and other important philosophers after which they have to answer these important questions:

1. Why is there something rather than nothing?

2. Is our universe real?

3. Do we have free will?

4. Does God exist?

5. Is there life after death?

6. Can you really experience anything objectively?

7. What is the best moral system?

8. What are numbers?


Answers are sent to Oxford University for marking.

Round 7.

…..the most testing test up till now



It will be stinging jelly fish season soon….

Here Laughing Men (more on their selection process in a later blog) competitors throw prospective carnival queens into the sea and as you can see it is very popular and draws huge crowds and we can all laughingly watch as the laughing (hysterically screaming) woman is stung to death or near death. Those that can swim back virtually unscathed go to the next round…………(see a later magazine dedicated to the final rounds)

In the next issue:

The 2014 Carnaval Laughing Man Tests.

The finals of the 2014 Carnaval Queen selection process

More News on the Cheese War of Sierra Madre.

Farm Direct To Your Table News: Live animals straight to your door…..and how to slaughter them on your kitchen table….

and all the other crap we think you'll like

©MazReal 2014



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