Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Mazatlán Spring News

"Siúl i gcúl le haghaidh na Nollag."

Inspirational words indeed from our
guest editor, the great fun-loving, rubicund Oirish drunkard, ex-priest and incomprehensible poet Seamus O'Seamus who takes over MazReal Publications for this long-awaited spring edition of Mazatlán News. 

The irrepressible poet Shaman O'Hoiney takes a swig from a gallon of Murphys.

On My Moind…..

"The only happy poet is a dead poet, only then you cannot change. When I die I will probably come back as a paintbrush."

I found that inspirational quote by Sylvester Stallone stapled to the back of my head when I was thrown off the ship on arriving at the port of dis wun'erful city of Matatloon. It made me laugh because that is how I felt at the time when my head hit the concrete and scraped the tip off my nose. Followed a second later by my cardboard suitcase which split open
scattering it'd contents onto the oil stained surface of the harbour waters. There followed a second later the obscene seafaring bellowing of our delightfully salty potty-mouthed Captain Henry(One-eye)Morganstone. 

"Now stay off my boat you feckin' great gob of Irish gobshite. And don't feckin' come back!"

I didn't know what I had done to deserve this frothing foul-mouthed tirade. Thinking back, maybe it had something to do with his silky skinned cabin boy Ahmed giving me a bed bath once a day while tossing on the ocean wave. Life is full of surprises and the challenge is to head them off at the pass says Clint Eastwood. 

Compelled by curiosity and the fact the Guarda are after me for eating a pair of pants on the Sabbath, I waved bye-bye to the soggy Emerald Isle and headed for a new life wherever the wind and the boat took me and now here I sit penniless quayside whilst a scrapulous dog cocks its leg on my crumpled tweed suit pant leg. 

Questions like "Why me?" "Is Kanye West really the incarnation of a Frean?" "Where is the line between insanity and creativity?" 'Whaat the …….?" haunt me until my head explodes.

However taking this temporary position on the editorial staff of the last bastion of great journalistic expat web rags - MazReal - saved me from utter destitution by them paying me the going rate that gringos pay their Mexican slaves the grand sum of 10 pesos a month. Out of which they take 5 for expenses and Angélica Rivera takes another five to pay her 500 gardeners.

I-don't-know-where-or-what direction I am heading in but understand you are dealing with an Irishman who knocked off War and Piece on the Coney Island roller coaster, penetrating the abtruse Tolstoyian arcana with ease despite enough lurching to spill my bottle of Jameson's 12 year old. Understand also that I was one of the select few who spotted in the Tate Modern's exhibit - The VW Beetle - that precise interplay of nuance and shading that Odilon Redon could have achieved had he forsaken the use of pastels for a car press and laddies ponying up scalper's money for argle-bargle bereft of one up-tune or a single star bangled bimbo and my rapport for the seven lilies is solid. ?

"To be sure, to be sure.." as they say in Derry, you might be confused but isn't that what life is about.

Here to end this guest editorial is an excerpt from my latest poem - Beyond Ichorkipark 

Let us sail. Sail with
O'Malley's chin to Alexandria
while the Beamish Brothers
Hurry giggling to the tower, 
Proud of their gums.
O'Riley dreamed of it too, and
O'Higgins who had his suit
Stolen while still in it.
Civilisation is shaped like
A circle and O'Rouke's head like a 
Rejoice, rejoice.

etc etc.


Fat is The New Thin : A special report by Antoiynée Mozziman guest Swiss reviewer and Alpenhorn blowing champion.

These 'reviews' and 'observations' do not necessary reflect the views of the full-time editorial.In fact most often we distance ourselves entirely from them.

Being fat has become the norm in Mexico and Mazatlán restaurants are taking advantage of this new norm by increasing the size of portions. It has been reported that skinny people are being violently turned away from many fine establishments because they are just not value for the little money they spend just 'pecking' on appetisers.

"Thin people and wasp waistline women are banned from Mazatlán." screeched Mayor Jim Feltoon tearing his hair out. "Everyone must weigh over 200 kilos or be forcefully fed by water board."

Government public information poster showing the wasp waistline type of people banned from eating in restaurants

more food……………….

The proprietor of Ze Grenoille D'Or (Ze Golden Frog)on The Plaza - "Our diners demand bigger frogs."

Proprietor Genevive Bujold of  Quebecois Restaurant Ze Grenouille D'Or on Plaza Machado and her from the farm to the table frogs.

Chef Angelo Merkel of the German Beerstübbensheitze - Der Leather Lederhössen - on The Plaza "Our diners demand bigger sauerkrauts."

Chef Angelo and his From The Farm To The Table Cabbage

Jésus Christo from the famous wood-fired chicken rotisserie - The Spinning Pollo - opposite the central market -

"Our take-out chickens are not big enough anymore. Gordos and Gringos are demanding whole wood-fired elk." 

He continued with his head in his hands -

"Man am i tired-out hunting in the Sierras all day and up to my ears in guts and skin all night. These gringos need to diet man. Please someone open a lettuce bar."

Doreen Thunderblatt proprietor of The Blind Potato on the Plaza grinningly shows off her from the farm to the table Sinaloa Spud:

" Our clients demand fucking enormous potatoes."

A disturbing recent ad from the Mazatlán Meat Marketing Board suggesting a family of three should eat half a buffalo and play ping pong afterwards.

Kiddies are expected to join in the binge eating fad...

Fresh faced KeekyDee from Thunderpant Rapids gigglingly prepares to get stuck into her 'kids meal' at the El Italiano Risa (The Laughing Italian) on the Plaza. 

Proprietor Anthony (The Fish) Rotunno (currently serving 15 years in Sing Sing for illegal possession of Bensonhurst)was asked to comment on Skype whether his kids meals are to blame for kiddie obesity :

Anthony: Hello Rico?
Rico (the Reporter)Fanducci: Hello?
Anthony: Rico?
Rico: I can't hear you.
Anthony: Rico I can't hear you.
Rico:Is that you Anthony?
Anthony: Hello Rico?
Rico: Can you hear me?
Anthony: Hello?
Operator: Hang up and try again.
Rico: Fuckin' Skype.
Anthony: Did I hear you say fuck to me Rico. I'm gonna kill you when I get out. You hear me? You're dead meat. Your grandmother, uncle and the rest of your Nigerian extended family. Dead Meat!!!!
Rico: Hello. Anthony?

La Tram Restaurant on 'The Plaza'

Filthy McNasty, freelance under-the-covers photographer captured these two amazing images of a pig being allowed to enjoy his last sunset before being placed sizzling in front of a diner and a portion of steak, cooked blue, being carried out to a diner at La Tram on the Plaza. The meatiest joint in town.

In fact the chef d'meat is gesticulating to the waiter that the said diner now wants two  portions of the menu favourite - The Half Cow.

When asked to comment, Big Chef Scaramango of Chiapas said "Do you believe in God? And if so, what do you think he weighs?" So saying he took a long luxurious drag on his cigar and stabbed our reporter in the eye with a fork.

Chef Georgio and Johnny Depp look-a-like of The Flying Fish on The Sea Restaurant on The Malcon attempts to hatchet the menu monster fish favourite - Coalacanth a la Late Cretacious. 

'We have to go to extraordinary lengths to please the appetites of Snowbirds. Cretacious Coalacanths are this years fad. What will they demand next year Sperm Whales a la parilla, Venusian Koi, Seahorse on a stick?"

Alcalde Tzar Señor Feltoon had declared that only jolly people of this stature will be allowed to holiday here in sunny delightful Mazatlán. Border guards have been noted. So eat up folks or take your skinny frames elsewhere!

On a lighter note - More Food news and reviews:

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