Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Mazatlán Spring News

"Siúl i gcúl le haghaidh na Nollag."

Inspirational words indeed from our
guest editor, the great fun-loving, rubicund Oirish drunkard, ex-priest and incomprehensible poet Seamus O'Seamus who takes over MazReal Publications for this long-awaited spring edition of Mazatlán News. 

The irrepressible poet Shaman O'Hoiney takes a swig from a gallon of Murphys.

On My Moind…..

"The only happy poet is a dead poet, only then you cannot change. When I die I will probably come back as a paintbrush."

I found that inspirational quote by Sylvester Stallone stapled to the back of my head when I was thrown off the ship on arriving at the port of dis wun'erful city of Matatloon. It made me laugh because that is how I felt at the time when my head hit the concrete and scraped the tip off my nose. Followed a second later by my cardboard suitcase which split open
scattering it'd contents onto the oil stained surface of the harbour waters. There followed a second later the obscene seafaring bellowing of our delightfully salty potty-mouthed Captain Henry(One-eye)Morganstone. 

"Now stay off my boat you feckin' great gob of Irish gobshite. And don't feckin' come back!"

I didn't know what I had done to deserve this frothing foul-mouthed tirade. Thinking back, maybe it had something to do with his silky skinned cabin boy Ahmed giving me a bed bath once a day while tossing on the ocean wave. Life is full of surprises and the challenge is to head them off at the pass says Clint Eastwood. 

Compelled by curiosity and the fact the Guarda are after me for eating a pair of pants on the Sabbath, I waved bye-bye to the soggy Emerald Isle and headed for a new life wherever the wind and the boat took me and now here I sit penniless quayside whilst a scrapulous dog cocks its leg on my crumpled tweed suit pant leg. 

Questions like "Why me?" "Is Kanye West really the incarnation of a Frean?" "Where is the line between insanity and creativity?" 'Whaat the …….?" haunt me until my head explodes.

However taking this temporary position on the editorial staff of the last bastion of great journalistic expat web rags - MazReal - saved me from utter destitution by them paying me the going rate that gringos pay their Mexican slaves the grand sum of 10 pesos a month. Out of which they take 5 for expenses and Angélica Rivera takes another five to pay her 500 gardeners.

I-don't-know-where-or-what direction I am heading in but understand you are dealing with an Irishman who knocked off War and Piece on the Coney Island roller coaster, penetrating the abtruse Tolstoyian arcana with ease despite enough lurching to spill my bottle of Jameson's 12 year old. Understand also that I was one of the select few who spotted in the Tate Modern's exhibit - The VW Beetle - that precise interplay of nuance and shading that Odilon Redon could have achieved had he forsaken the use of pastels for a car press and laddies ponying up scalper's money for argle-bargle bereft of one up-tune or a single star bangled bimbo and my rapport for the seven lilies is solid. ?

"To be sure, to be sure.." as they say in Derry, you might be confused but isn't that what life is about.

Here to end this guest editorial is an excerpt from my latest poem - Beyond Ichorkipark 

Let us sail. Sail with
O'Malley's chin to Alexandria
while the Beamish Brothers
Hurry giggling to the tower, 
Proud of their gums.
O'Riley dreamed of it too, and
O'Higgins who had his suit
Stolen while still in it.
Civilisation is shaped like
A circle and O'Rouke's head like a 
Rejoice, rejoice.

etc etc.


Fat is The New Thin : A special report by Antoiynée Mozziman guest Swiss reviewer and Alpenhorn blowing champion.

These 'reviews' and 'observations' do not necessary reflect the views of the full-time editorial.In fact most often we distance ourselves entirely from them.

Being fat has become the norm in Mexico and Mazatlán restaurants are taking advantage of this new norm by increasing the size of portions. It has been reported that skinny people are being violently turned away from many fine establishments because they are just not value for the little money they spend just 'pecking' on appetisers.

"Thin people and wasp waistline women are banned from Mazatlán." screeched Mayor Jim Feltoon tearing his hair out. "Everyone must weigh over 200 kilos or be forcefully fed by water board."

Government public information poster showing the wasp waistline type of people banned from eating in restaurants

more food……………….

The proprietor of Ze Grenoille D'Or (Ze Golden Frog)on The Plaza - "Our diners demand bigger frogs."

Proprietor Genevive Bujold of  Quebecois Restaurant Ze Grenouille D'Or on Plaza Machado and her from the farm to the table frogs.

Chef Angelo Merkel of the German Beerstübbensheitze - Der Leather Lederhössen - on The Plaza "Our diners demand bigger sauerkrauts."

Chef Angelo and his From The Farm To The Table Cabbage

Jésus Christo from the famous wood-fired chicken rotisserie - The Spinning Pollo - opposite the central market -

"Our take-out chickens are not big enough anymore. Gordos and Gringos are demanding whole wood-fired elk." 

He continued with his head in his hands -

"Man am i tired-out hunting in the Sierras all day and up to my ears in guts and skin all night. These gringos need to diet man. Please someone open a lettuce bar."

Doreen Thunderblatt proprietor of The Blind Potato on the Plaza grinningly shows off her from the farm to the table Sinaloa Spud:

" Our clients demand fucking enormous potatoes."

A disturbing recent ad from the Mazatlán Meat Marketing Board suggesting a family of three should eat half a buffalo and play ping pong afterwards.

Kiddies are expected to join in the binge eating fad...

Fresh faced KeekyDee from Thunderpant Rapids gigglingly prepares to get stuck into her 'kids meal' at the El Italiano Risa (The Laughing Italian) on the Plaza. 

Proprietor Anthony (The Fish) Rotunno (currently serving 15 years in Sing Sing for illegal possession of Bensonhurst)was asked to comment on Skype whether his kids meals are to blame for kiddie obesity :

Anthony: Hello Rico?
Rico (the Reporter)Fanducci: Hello?
Anthony: Rico?
Rico: I can't hear you.
Anthony: Rico I can't hear you.
Rico:Is that you Anthony?
Anthony: Hello Rico?
Rico: Can you hear me?
Anthony: Hello?
Operator: Hang up and try again.
Rico: Fuckin' Skype.
Anthony: Did I hear you say fuck to me Rico. I'm gonna kill you when I get out. You hear me? You're dead meat. Your grandmother, uncle and the rest of your Nigerian extended family. Dead Meat!!!!
Rico: Hello. Anthony?

La Tram Restaurant on 'The Plaza'

Filthy McNasty, freelance under-the-covers photographer captured these two amazing images of a pig being allowed to enjoy his last sunset before being placed sizzling in front of a diner and a portion of steak, cooked blue, being carried out to a diner at La Tram on the Plaza. The meatiest joint in town.

In fact the chef d'meat is gesticulating to the waiter that the said diner now wants two  portions of the menu favourite - The Half Cow.

When asked to comment, Big Chef Scaramango of Chiapas said "Do you believe in God? And if so, what do you think he weighs?" So saying he took a long luxurious drag on his cigar and stabbed our reporter in the eye with a fork.

Chef Georgio and Johnny Depp look-a-like of The Flying Fish on The Sea Restaurant on The Malcon attempts to hatchet the menu monster fish favourite - Coalacanth a la Late Cretacious. 

'We have to go to extraordinary lengths to please the appetites of Snowbirds. Cretacious Coalacanths are this years fad. What will they demand next year Sperm Whales a la parilla, Venusian Koi, Seahorse on a stick?"

Alcalde Tzar Señor Feltoon had declared that only jolly people of this stature will be allowed to holiday here in sunny delightful Mazatlán. Border guards have been noted. So eat up folks or take your skinny frames elsewhere!

On a lighter note - More Food news and reviews:


There has been a distinct lack of quality sausage in this town and lo and behold our prayers have been answered. Bangers (sausages in Ol' Blighty dialect) have come to town.

Sausage entrepreneur Harold LLoyd from somewhere to the north has come to Mazatlán. And not a moment to soon.

Here he proudly shows off his pricey prize weiner - The Kobi Beef Delight . Costing no fewer than 30,000 pesos a kilo, he assures us that not only sports stars and Telenovela actors can afford his sausages but expats with Swiss savings.

Naturally Hand-Fed and gently Stroked Salmon Sausages from The Kitsumkalum River in BC, Bread Free Breakfast Bangers from Brighton in Blighty and Hand-Fed Foot Massaged Pig Delicasies from Holland amongst many others that he allows us to sample hot off the parilla. If you cannot afford the hefty price tags we suggest you just swing down and shovel down the free samples when he is not looking. 

"Bangers have come to town. Only the best Canadjin ingredients are flown in. Floor-scrappings? Sawdust? Gristle? Skin? We leave those to our competitors. Our dead animal sausage fillings are from animals that have been quietly sedated then slaughtered in the time honoured way.

We are just a weiner throw from the Saturday Organic Market. So come on down and snag a sausage*." he chortled.

*updated: Large people are banned from getting stuck into the samples.

Restaurant Review 

Vasili's Soviet-Era Concept Design Proletariat Eating Factory.

Russian chef Mikhail 'Vasili' Vasilyevich Lemonovski trained in that great academy of food and sciences Росси́йская акаде́мия нау́к in Vladivostok. 

Chef Vasili indicating the whereabouts of your table

As soon as I walked into Vasili's I was confronted by the Soviet design concept of granite colour and bleak moods from the heavily Iron-Curtain censored conceptual and artistic expressionism that harkened back to the heady days of pre-war Stalinist Soviet Empire. Establishments where only the Politburo elite could afford to eat and shoot the dissident staff against the wall outside if their Borscht had a capitalist fly in it. 

'From Tat to Shinola' interior designer Eddy Shinola decreed that the scowling artworks that stare down at the cringing diners should be there to add a hint of menace to the dining experience thus allowing the uneasy patrons to eat up a get the hell out so the table may be used again.

However head down and in deep contemplation of my food I was immediately reminded of chef Vasili's food influenced by Stravinsky's Concerto in D for Strings. In point of fact the carpaccio is a great example of atonality uncluttered as it is on a wagon wheel-sized plate with only flattened circles of pulp and tremulous green rocket centre. The customer is forced to make appreciative noises with it as he eats. These tones are arranged in a set pattern and repeat themselves in serial pattern. The first night, one of 2 subsequently, I was at Vasili's, two patrons, a young fat girl and a fat man, were eating carpaccio simultaneously and the excitement was such that they received a standing ovation.
Vasili's waiting staff taking a well-earned fag break. They are dressed in Soviet era working garb to match the interior and protect themselves from the 'heat' in the kitchen

The restaurant is so busy now that booking two years in advance is necessary. After one such reservation I made for my grandmother's once in a  lifetime 100th, my mother's 70th and my 50th I was told on entering that our table was given to a larger, richer more upstanding member of the community and we were shown the door with a no nonsense Soviet style finger point. Heads down in shame we shambled out leaving behind the mocking echoes of a restaurant laughing at us.

But Vasili is a extremist and he no doubt wants to draw to attention the absurdity of life which says more about our involvement in Iraq than countless books on the subject.

Vasili's staff, again in designer 'Soviet' mufti taking bookings. The stern faced mixologist recently flown cheaply direct via Nigeria from Kaliningrad in the new Russia, stands ready to whip insubordinate operators

However never having been back I can only attest in hindsight to the lovely carpaccio that once confronted me, which was at the time a stark reminder of my mortality. Fate having dictated that I never enter Vasili's again unless it is in a corporate take-over.

Two grown men fighting and slapping  for a table outside Vasili's

Thanks Antoiyneé, great reviews and news as always - The Ed.

Chitter Chatter

Society editor Fabian von Plotnick takes us on a tittle tattle tour of comings and goings in this season's Mazatlán' boulevards.

Macaques Bar

Down at old Macaques a hog-killin' time is to be had on Grand Ol' Thursdeee Country night when guest Texan longshore man, buffalo wrestler and recently out of the closet Jimmy Dean starts squeezing' his Dallapé. His newly married partner Zeke Slivovitch will accompany on Jewish Harp and timpani.

The Texas Belle Bottoms will join in doin' a Big Ol' Texas version of the Can Can. 
"We like to show our butts in Texas." drawled Head Butt Shayleen Du Frayne.

El Recroom

The only Mexican and gluten-free venue where expats can come at their leisure and see safe PG 13 films, talk about wine, taste gourmet food and read poetry. Once a season El Recroom invites a guest 'editor' to liven up the proceeding with his or her own programme. This season's editor is society darling Cosima Wagner from Uzbekistanistan.

"Take a break from that poetry reading and other dirty capitalist goings-ons and come to El Recroom when tomorrow night is Soviet Socialism night where the famed dissident Igor Korobov talks about Socialism and how we should embrace it. The philosophical discussion extends to vacation time on the Black Sea mud delta or the northern Gulags.

After tea break will be a brief yet helpful guide to civil disobedience and how to make the perfect cocktail - the Molotov. Dress is casual, bring your own rag and gas and bottle and the 20 pesos entrance fee will go to all the oppressed and down-trodden of the world.

Free copies of the Connolly best seller available.

Don't forget to learn the words to The Internationale as you will be expected to join in sing this rousing anthem at the end

The chorus for those who have forgot:

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

This is a Commie only evening. Tea Party activists and card-carrying Republicans denied entry!!"

Forwards and onwards Comrades!!!

From each according to his ability, 

to each according to his need.

"Afterwards, on a lighter note, will be a showing of the popular Capitalist pulp film and Ronald Reagan favourite - Death On Scurvy Street."

"Next week we have an added bonus straight from that hell-hole Haiti:

It's Speaking in Tongues Night.

Come and hear the voices of angels and other earthly delights from Haitian wandering wonder Wanda 'Ton Ton' Macute and watch as she contorts, bucks and froths around on the floor to music played backwards from Led Zeppelin's classic House of The Holy album accompanied by the hippie drummers from that other shit-hole wherever these pests call home."

"The week after is Socialist blood-letting night. Come and give blood and exorcise those demons all in one go. All blood goes to the Save The Children fund and Animals Without Borders Homes.

The last week, to see those few remaining snowbirds a hearty good riddance, and on a lighter not we will host and evening of Snowbird Christian sing-a-longs to The Simmons family direct from the Appalachians.

This is a protestant only night and don't forget to dress for the occasion as God always likes to see folks well-covered. Also good Christians, keep that incense and that dirty Darwinist pagan tome, The Origin of the Hobbit Species at home."

Design News

Colourful design correspondent and full time porn star Tempest Storm discusses local design.

"On a lighter note, the dangerous Kiddie waterside The Crap Olivera Experience, designed by that great self-taught architect, leader of men and mayor Señor 'Richard Rogers' Feltine is soon to be open on the malecón. In a re-election bid, the mayor, put his spare Sunday afternoons to good use, by ordering his minions to build at no cost, this, no doubt to be, world architectural design award thingy.

Mayor and architect's actual drawings for the Crap Olivera Waterslide 

©Feltoon Associates.

The ingeniously designed contraption will allow the delightful kiddies to swirl down, sand papering their butts off before depositing them into the raging Pacific waves and spiked anemone encrusted rocks.

A scaffold 'escape' stairway can be made out on the right for when the rusty rebars start exploding inside the cheap cement and rupture impailing kids where they sit.

The public toilets have been turned into an emergency medical centre for when the half drowned and rock injured kids begin to pile up against the door. A set of fountains will grace the slippery skull cracking concrete walkway and a lit-up pool will allow nighttime shenanigans and fungal contamination to run riot with all the kids peeing therein."

Thanks Tempest for that cautionary tale - Ed.

Plaza Machado

Plaza Machado or 'The Plaza' is the centre of art and food and cheap tat on a Friday and Saturday night.

Lucretia Love from the New York Times describes in her customary ambiguous way as the 'centre of the world.'

Carnival Queen Hotdog Eating Night

Cultura is hosting a truly innovative evening to all those who missed the wonderful week of wobbly floats and cheesy smiles of the 2015 Carnival.

Cultura and the 2015 Carnival Queen Rocío Uribe de Santiago is beginning her year of doing good and helping world peace by holding a hotdog eating competition with the losers and the winner takes over the crown. Kudos from her for allowing those that did not win by money alone to have a go at wresting that gold-plated crown from her head. 

The plucky lass will then go onto a donut eating competition. The winner will get a years free donuts.

"We need fat queens." screamed the crazy Tzar of Mazatlán Señor Felterini.

The Jack Rabbit Club on The Plaza

This one is especially for the temperance church-goin' expat men out there. The one and only Mr. Hug 'Bubba' Heffer (the one seen here in the middle with the tache) is opening the Jack Rabbit Club on the plaza.

Come on down and be served water and gruel by fully clothed stern faced women in black. Refectory tables and neon lights await. Any lewd chat and, for punishment, a good ol' fashin' bare ass whippin' is to be had in the basement while tied upside down to a revolving wheel with a red ball stuffed in the mouth.

A good temperance time is assured by all.

Summer Spanking School at Angela Peralta Theatre Art School on The Plaza.

Learn to immobilise and give your friend a good arse spanking. All you old guys left behind by the retreating snowbirds, don't forget to take your heart tabs well in advance!

Famous blockbuster shock movie 'Voodoo Village' star The Beautiful Rain goddess, Misty Ayers aka Blaze Star (not her real name) will show how it is done using bare hands, a paddle, a cat-o-nine tails and a cheese grater.

Fun a games to had by all. 

Necessary devices for rent in the lobby

80's Queso Roca Suave Special on the Plaza

80's Cheesy Soft Rock Special night for those remaining expats who want to waft themselves back to that particular period in time when the world was run and ruined by Reagan and Thatcher and listen to the syrupy classics from washed-up artists like Sting, Foreigner, U2, Coldplay, Phil Collins, Toto, Seals & Croft, Styx and Christopher Cross to name a few.

Maestro Jaime Last will conduct.

This will surely instantaneously clear the Plaza of the non-afficionados and diners. So if you like soft rock and need to eat, this is the time to get on down there.

There is a rumour that Tantric sex expert and  artist Sting will put in an appearance from his global Tantric shagging tour to grace us with his presence and talk about how a has-been rocker can still get it up using his trusted and tried method of Tantric sex. The method he has been pushing since his split from The Police. Phil Collins will accompany in his wheel chair and drum kit.

All you ageing rockers be assured to wash your greasy pony tail and take your heart tab before the show.

"Thanks to Seamus O'Seamus for his contribution by doing absolutely nothing and to all the other contributors for their biased opinions of which the MazReal publishers take no part in." Editor

Next week:

JC's corner - How to spot the Judas and cater for 13 people using only a fish and a loaf of bread and the health giving properties of Chia seeds.

Doctor Doctor - Fungal Infections in the Tropics and the hazards thereof. Beri-Beri, Nodding Disease and Alice in Wonderland Syndrome - what are they and how to detect them?

Busker Deer O - Part-time philosopher and hack. Will discuss and outline the relationship of the Hussite heresy to the Bohemian silver mines from Count Lützlow's Bohemia a historical sketch.

Shat* to Shinola - Design guru Eddy Shinola explains how to build a house on top of Mazatlán's garbage mountain using an old mattress, some car tyres and beer crates. He will also, for a 500 peso fee, advise how to decorate the interior using household waste. This will be an essential read for all those down-on- your luck locals knee-deep in it up there recycling our crap. Subscribe online now with money.

and many more……………………

* surely that should be Tat - Ed

©Filthy McNasty 2015

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