Monday, June 29, 2015

The Transformation of Mazatlán into Mazopolis


Artists impression of Mazopolis The City Of The Future

"Reneée K Folkenflikdik reporting for MazReal Prods Daily here in the Sinaloa War Room and Breakfast bar in downtown Mazopolis....Stupendous things are about to happen and as I look around I can see 12, no 13, or is it 21, paunchy men drinking coffee, giggling like giddy schoolboys throwing paper aeroplanes around the room and having fun with Whoopee cushions and plastic dog turds. Yes, I am amongst this city's top echelon, the palpable presence of go-getters, movers and shakers, heavy hitters, men of influence, rich bastards and local politicians whose actions in this very meeting will change our lives, YES CHANGE OUR LIVES. FOR THE BETTER and FOR EVER.
Hang on, something is about to happen. Yes, Mayor General Grand Vizier Feltoon has just walked in zipping up his fly and the room has gone quiet in anticipation. Anticipation as to whether he has washed his hands. You can only hear a fly buzz and the toilet being flushed. Again. By his toilet-flushing minion. El Mayor is slowly, deliberately casting his metallic gaze around the room. The silence is deafening. He holds his hands up. YES YES YES. We can now confirm he has washed his hands and a collective sigh of relief rotates around the table.

The great man himself has just sat down. Wait, did he just fart thunderously. Yes. No, he sat on a Whoopee cushion and the room has erupted into uproarious laughter. Belly laughter like a pack of hyenas celebrating a bloody kill.

Calm is restored with one hawked glance from his steely eye as I sidle now over to the Major General Mayor and Great Elephant N'Dlovu. Here, let me just shove this microphone down your throat..."

"He shuffles his papers and we all lean as one towards him, his animal magnetism drawing us closer, closer...He is like a bull lion who smells a lioness on heat, his nostrils flare and he begins.."

"Mazatlán or New Mazopolis as I decree it will be now called, The Pearl or is it The Jewel or The something-or-other of the Pacific is to become  The City Of The Future."

"Whoops and cheers erupt like a Vesuvius eruption."

"Cars will fly through the smoggy air, skateboarders will have hover boards, our thumbs will be gigantic, our eyes enormous, our skin green and Superman will be on hand to take care of those naughty people who want to protest about wages and conditions. But do not worry, we will not pay them, we have to make cuts, deeeeeep cuts. Our shareholders demand it. Instead to save dough we will ship in Bangladeshi slave workers afresh from building the Soccer World Cup stadium in Qatar and all those refugees that the Europeans are throwing back in the sea. Yes they will build our city with low paid slave-wages and then, YES, we will throw them all back in the sea when they finish."  

Superman keeping an eye on things over The New City Of Mazopolis.

"I cannot believe it, the rich bastards are dancing on the table, tearing up paper and kissing each other. The Great Wazoo of Waziristan is now screaming maniacally and eating his tie."

"Private monies will soon be pouring in to construct space age constructions that will put all the other great Asian cities of the world and Uranus to shame. Tourists will flock into Mazopolis, our new city of the future and all the profits from the MacDonalds, KFC, Dunkin' Donuts, Taco Bell and the rest of those tasty food outlets and all the other other tourist delights planned will be ploughed back out again into the accounts of the private shareholders and politician's pockets and none, I say again NONE will go to improve the roads, lighting, water and education of those nasty poor people that hold our great city together."

NoMaz for the richer expat

"We will create jobs, low paid jobs, jobs for cleaners, bed makers, lift opperators and toilet attendants. Great jobs, big jobs, little jobs. Jobs, JOBS JOBS I tells ye."

"Reneée K Folkenflikdik, ace war reporter and chief bottle wash from the MazReal Prod Daily, can I just ask a question Your Highnessness?"

"Go ahead my fine good looking young man (what are you doing after the show eh?)."

"Sir Mayor, down boy! What will this new city consist of besides junk food stalls and cheap tat stalls?

"Well, young fella-me-lad. Here's a list
of our splendid ideas. I am a bit knackered so I hand you over to one of sponsors whose name I have forgotten. Let's call him Senora Smith."

"There will be a 500,000 square metre museum shaped like a giant spider in recognition of Mazaopolis's new nickname 'Arachnid of The Pacifistic."

There will be a giant IMAX screen that will show nothing but my political speeches and Pedro Infanta Filims

To save more money (cheers and war dance whoops from the bastards) We bought this second hand one from the 1930's World Fair. It will be up and running by the year 2525."

"Rounding out the ground floor are 2 square meters of permanent exhibition space to exhibit past and present carnival queens, a round exhibition hall for the major themes of the carnival queen museum, a travel agency from where tourists can depart on tours of the solar system, carnival queens houses and poverty tours into the surrounding poor barrios to get a feel how the photogenic peasants live (heavily armed guards included.)"
Rocket ships to Your Anus and Ma's

These Barrio Poverty Tours will be conducted in air-conditioned coaches in which we will include a lunch of paté de foie gras, beluga caviar and Scottish salmon. The coach will then stop in the poorest barrio around a waterhole where a table will be set up under a white tent and a classical Mozart quartet will play whilst you can observe at close quarters the poor people drinking from a tap, scratching themselves, wearing enormous coloured sombreros, swinging in a hammock and fighting over scraps."

Poor Barrio Tour included in the highlights

A store filled with high quality regional handicrafts and tat, and a bookstore with an imaginary book dedicated to our achievements in Nuclear Fission will also round off the ground floor.

"The second floor will have a terrace with a panoramic view of the Pacifico Brewery, a restaurant featuring regional delicacies of tacos, tortillas, some sort of fish dish, and some other stuff, a regionally-themed fast food outlet also known as Taco Bell, the city’s historical archive, and training rooms for the development of tourism professionals and for training the local populace in the cleaning of toilets and making of beds."

Pulmonias of The Future that allow you to chase after them and get fit at the same time.

"Reneée K Folkenflikdik again, can I ask one more question. Your Excellency? Wake up."

"What? where? how? Where am I and how did I get here?"

"Over here, by your left ear Your Great Worshippness. What about spending some money to help the people in the poorer barrios, for instance, pave the dusty roads and give them cheaper electricity?"


And new sexy uniform for the cuddly police.
"As you see can our future is secure and as expats we will be able to continue paying our servants crap wages."

"Ah, over here I see an expat sitting in a wheel chair with his oxygen bottle and sucking on a mickey. Let me just get their reaction to these plans. Oi you sir. Come 'ere. What do you think of these new ideas for your city."

"Well. lookee here, I am soo excited I can hardly contain myself. I can now safely shake off this Mexicaness and really feel I am back in Torornto but still be in Mexico."

"You mean Toronto, I guess." 

"Where am I anyway. Oh dear I have pee'd myself from the excitement. Oh Canada, O Canada our home and native landddddd......"

"Well there you have it, those words from the average expat*.And here is a rough sketch of our great city of the future."

"Reneée K Folkenflikdik signing off and back to you Chris in the studio."

Ed: "We don't have a studio you idiot."

* Not all expats are confined to a wheelchair and drink oxygen.  



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