Friday, March 26, 2010

Rogue Quad Fish 'Jaws' Soft Board 7-10 Terrorises The Sea Of Cortes

Yesterday an unfortunate woman surfer was attacked by “Jaws” the notorious 7-10 Soft Board Surf Board off Olas Altas. “Jaws” has been seen fleetingly over the last month or two cruising the Sea of Cortes from Baja to Mazatlán after he escaped from the famous surfer and part time Maz resident from the US , Mississippi “Sandwich” J-Bay. “Jaws” has become notorious for taking chunks out of unsuspecting surfers from Baja to Mazatlán but has never been caught and seldom seen and rumours about him have escalated to mythical proportions. Until yesterday!

Famous Surfer Mississippi 'Sandwich' J-Bay and the now notorious Quad Fish 7-10 'Jaws' before it broke loose. Notice the four deadly 'teeth'.

“Sandwich” takes up the story how “Jaws” escaped to roam free last year:

“I was scanning the horizon... and some bodacious senior was shredding balls naked. He was cooking it up real dank when this land lord jumped up at bit at his brain skull. Balls! It was Da Mamie! When his body washed up a clickity schnar snar came out of his buttt buttt and schnar snared at a swamp hog. Totally balls! Then this ween had a wettie warmer and i was like pee party brah!”

While this was happening “Jaws”, his 7-10 snapped his leash and upped and took off into the bay and disappeared.

Again Mississippi “Sandwich” J-Bay staying at the Belmar was close to the scene of the incident yesterday as the unfortunate and shocked woman was dragged ashore.

“I had taken the 7-10 and the 6-6 quad fish down to OA this morning because “Pipeline” (famous surfer Dane “Pipeline” Haw ) wanted to borrow a board. As I was leaving with both boards under my arms I ran into famous surfer Kelly “Backdoor” Bonanza and his equally famous Gallic buddy La Graviere “Marsailles” Tubé whose wife Casey “Crash” Schwalbe was with him this time. She was wearing a bikini and wanted to borrow a board. I had reservations but lent her my 6-6 quad fish soft board since it is a lot lighter and safer for someone whose skills I knew nothing about. I left for a shower.”

A close up of a similar board the 'trio' lying washed up on the beach. Just as deadly as the 'quad' because of the longer knife-edged central fin that can slice a man's leg clean off.

Another famous surfer from Hawaii who happened to be here in Maz at the time, Prince “Aloha Spirit” Ekewaka A’amakuale continues:

“This dudette was shootin the pier and she almost wiped out on the pilings. She got out ok but she ate it big time. When she came up her top was on her waist, bodacious boobs dude! And she didn't care at all…….”

As “Aloha Spirit’s” addled surf mind began wandering we turned to another eyewitness,

“Wait!” A’amakuale shouted trying keep our attention and frothingly babbled on “Next thing ya know they were takin their clothes off! Dude...BONER TIME…..! Man those butt floss babes.....Gaaaaaaaaa.”

Here the boogie board disguises itself as a deadly 'land lord' or great white in surfer lingo, so that it may look deadlier.

Another witness Bam Bam “Billabong” Ripcurl a famous Australian surfer sitting in a malecon bar drinking Ballenas with triple tequila chasers recounts some hazy details:

“This dudette was like catchin one when this shark, a black tip popped it's head up next to her. Dude she like cranked a rad left and pumped it like there was no tomorrow. Got in safe, lucky babelini, it was rad as hell to see.”

However unknown to him she had been hit twice, once on the thigh and once on the calf by the notorious 7-10 soft fish quad not some imaginary black tipped Noah.

Stock photo of another totally hot surfer chick Dawn 'Ace Cool' Ripette fighting off the less deady boogie board menace. Taken by a remote camera on the end of a board ridden waywardly by the big kahuna Davey 'Sardine Run' Fanning. 'Sardine's' board unluckily took a chunk out of 'Ace Cool's' left shoulder which he later blamed on the turbulence caused by an unknown chinese wax job on his board.

“Sandwich” continues:

When I finally got around to going down to the beach I figured “Crash” would be pretty much done with getting hammered by closeouts and I could take my board. When I left the Belmar, directly across the street was a Cruz Roja ambulance and at the bottom of the stairs to the beach were a couple lifeguards attending to someone and my fish lying on the beach. Not good. I was told by a bystander, who gave me the board for them, that she thought she was attacked by a shark but he didn't think it was that sort of wound. It was, however, a very serious cut - two cuts, really - on her thigh and he thought she would need at least 50 stitches.

‘Backdoor’, who had seen the whole thing said “ It was the board that hit her - that she got cut by the fins on the board. It seems a wave had closed out on her and she was doing the washing machine. What she WASN'T doing, in violation of Rule Numero Uno of the ocean, was paying any attention to the waves coming in and she got slammed by a couple more and after the second of these was screaming in pain as “jaws” came in and hit her again.”

Famous Canadian surfer Dane 'Pipeline' Haw shows us how it is done in a stylish yet relaxed way even looking cool on a sloppy shore break.

“Sandwich”,was frothin as it was his board that injured “Crash” and probably put the whole of the forthcoming Semana Santa celebrations on ice as tourists coming to visit Mazatlán over that busy period will steer well clear of the water.

He wandered off wearily saying: “So that's it this is foobar man. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I'm beat, I’m a jinx and will never lend anyone anything unless I'm in the water with them. I’m gonna become a dick dragger, an Eskimo lidder, a smogbreather. I’m gone to the zoo.”

7-10 eye view of how the deadly attack would have taken place. Shot by our battled hardened photographer who has constantly looked danger in the face and shrugged it off.

Worried surfers gather on the Malecon in a storm atmosphere

Hunk Gallic surfer La Graviere ' Marsailles' Tubé heads for the break.

Gorgeous Oz surfer Bam Bam 'Billabong' Ripcurl looks on

A lone depressed surfer looks out over the Sea of Cortes on a now empty Nomaz beach after the 50 foot Dinoboard (Jaws) terrorised the area scattering holiday makers to the four winds

A dig dragger (surfer brohahs natural enemy) takes a pipe off Playa Bruja oblivious to the danger.

Olas Altas danger warnings deter some people.

Stop Press

A 7-10 quad soft board now dubbed “DinoBoard”, a 50 foot long killer has just been reported as attacking a fat man off the Hotel Riu beachfront. He was last seen being dragged outwards and under in a curtain of bubbles and red frothing foam. The frightened observer, a sunburned red man clutching a brace of rum punches alerted the Salvavida who blew his whistle in a last vein attempt to scare off the creature with no luck. It seems Dinoboard his moving his inexorabe way up the Sinaloa coast wreaking havoc and as his migration of terror northwards continues his length increases.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Mazatlán Shrimp Fleet

Mazatlán boasts one of the world's largest shrimp fishing fleets. The season is over till September so we took the opportunity of commissioning a photo essay on the industry whilst the sailors and fishermen were harbor-bound repairing their boats, drinking beer, smoking weed and generally taking it easy.

The area can be a dangerous place for the unwitting gawping tourist so not many make their way down there and they probably would not be interested but we sent our battle hardened photographer down for days on end to capture this tranquil life of a harbour resembling something out of a 'Pirates of the Caribbean' grubby, smelly, cut-throat film scenario. Men snoring and swinging in hammocks, pox-ridden mutts flat out in the shade, scabby cats with arched backs hissing, unhappy bored wives of fishermen sitting around waiting for the day the fleet takes to sea so they can rid themselves of their drinking husbands, half drunk men pissing off the quayside trying hard not to fall in the water, snotty nosed kids pulling at your pants asking for money and the occasional dark windowed gleaming SUV would pull up and suave men and their bling bling women tottering on high heels would get out and lean all over the vehicle speaking into cellular phones looking important then pile back in and purr off.

Standing like a quasi-mythological figure armed with a deadly blade Roberto slices the belly and extracts the guts from an 18 kilogram Red Snapper and below a toothless Eduardo fishes for small fry in his spare time. Having no front teeth and not bathing for months on end and smoking spliff is par for the course when your life is spent living in a dingy cabin or lean-to quayside shack while waiting for the season to start.

Boats lashed together make for one big happy family and the occasional boat sinks in dock and tends to rest on the bottom till the salt water eventually destroys it.

Red Snapper is a tasty fish that can live for up to 54 years and attain weights of 22 kilos. These are 18 kilos and perfect for grilling if you have something large enough to accommodate them.

The guts are taken out and the fish are then loaded into an ice box and transported to a hotel somewhere in Nomaz.

Once you get known on the turf you can meet characters that you would not come across in your normal day like this drunken man who invited the photographer over for a drink with his friends but was saved by a passing concerned elderly resident suggesting it was not a good idea as this inebriated twit would have probably fleeced the photographer for money and beers. She said it was not a safe place for gringos.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Can You Tan a Hide, Render Lard Then You Could Be A Prepper?

You are a Prepper if you are

  1. a person who grows and /or stores food, water, and other supplies in preparation for disasters of all types, i.e., economic collapse, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes etc..
  2. a patriot who is against Fascism, Communism, National Socialism, Globalism, and Totalitarianism, and believes that these types of governments lead to oppression and death of innocent people, thus the need to prepare for survival.
  3. a member of a Prepper Network

Everywhere else on the planet those sorts of people would be, well, people. But those in North America call themselves preppers. Basically US and Canadian citizens are feeling threatened and paranoid about terrorism (especially now – dirty bombs on American soil etc), natural disasters and the recession and off course a spate of Hollywood disaster movies. Suddenly people have been loosing their jobs and homes and society is no longer as stable as it should be and the government cannot be relied on to help them, so millions have become a prepper and learn how to survive if all should go belly up.

All you need to survive and keep a smile on your face

This is not a new social phenomenon. The Survivalist militiamen who are slightly more to the right of the Gengis Khan have been around a while but the preppers come from all backgrounds and ideologies and they have began preparing themselves for the apocalypse. So if you can build an open fire pit, make soap, make charcoal, tan a hide, render lard, use a washboard, control bugs or clone your children using kitchen utensils then you are well on the way to becoming the perfect prepper and if you want to know how a lightning strike will affect a prepper, there are hundreds of websites to peruse. However judging by the way many tourists off the boat hold their noses when walking passed the Mazatlán market butchers, I would say many are not equipt just yet to render lard and be a prepper.

“Our ancestors were preppers, so were the Native Americans. It is just going back to look after yourself.” Says John Milandred from who is worried about the collapse of society.

Get your kids and neighbors to help construct outside toilets.

To us jaded cynics at MazReal , we are slightly worried about this new social movement because it smacks of selfish individualism. We ask the question – why can’t we learn to help others as well as ourselves?

Build your new home in the backyard

So why not jump on the bandwagon and write a ‘How To…’ book for instance called ‘How to live in the wilderness’ or ‘How to prosper in your backyard’ or ‘Discover the pleasure of making your own soap’, or 'How to cook a meal' or 'How to skin and eat a rat', 'How to order a cut of meat' or 'How wonderful it is to sit and do a crap in a long-drop and use a leaf for toilet paper'. ©MazReal Book Titles.

Stock up on your favorite health foods.

The MazReal offices are now stocked up with crates of tequila and Venezuelan rum should society collapse so we may feel really happy and have stuff to barter when the time comes.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Mazatlán Saturday Morning Art Sprint

Art has always played a significant role in the cultural and spiritual life of most of us who appreciate it. It can be a conduit for the mind to a more elevated plane – a plane of aesthetic buoyancy where the spirit is free to roam amongst the fairies and elves of Arcadia or it can be an ideal excuse to walk through the doors of galleries and studios to gawp nosily at the architecture and drink wine and munch on canapés to set you up for the evening before taking in the restaurants of Plaza Machado.

Here in Mazatlán we have something called The Saturday Morning Art Sprint and we sent the MazReal art correspondent Eugene Farquhar-Gonzalez or ‘EeFG’ and his pair of running shoes out to describe the art therein the tour.

After a sprint from the MazReal offices 10 kilometers away he first entered a gallery on Calle Fandango, drank half a dozen glasses of cheap plonk and ate some limp cheese where there was only one exhibit on that day by a US artist in the empty minimalist studio of 4 white walls, entitled “Fridge” by the artist, Genaro Electric which consisted of a white cupboard-sized hollow space plugged into the mains, whose purpose it appeared to be keep things cool. On opening the door as he was invited to do, he found racks of ordinary comestibles such as butter, milk, cheese and eggs. This piece seemed to be saying “Are things cool enough?” Once your mind fixes on that, a whole host of fascinating questions pop up: What is the meaning of cool? What things do we want to keep cool? What would a hen think if you suggested cooling its eggs? So many questions that we have to make up our own answers and conclude that this is the most perplexing question: “Cool me down or shake me up daddy-o?”

An art lover muses over 'Fridge' by American expat artist Genaro Electric

He turned his back on the molded Bauhaus-styled, chilly and recessive stark piece and with his head reeling with the impact of what he had just ‘experienced’ or the effects of the wine found his way onto the street and sprinted off to the next studio on his list where just off Calle 42 de Mayo an ‘installation’ was suggested. ‘Calle 42’ by artist Zero Aarnio known as ‘Mad’ Arnie. Our man sauntered in and helped himself to some more wine and soggy cheese biscuits and stale nuts. The installation was roughly the size of a ground floor of an average Zona Historica casa and was ironically named Calle 42 de Mayo numero 19, which ‘Mad’ had inscribed on the front door.

‘EeFG’ was invited to walk through four spaces of gradually diminishing size till he found himself in an outside open area where the main attraction was a square hole with rounded corners painted sky blue filled with water surrounded by ‘loungers’. The piece shrieked bourgeois corporate, heartless yet bold minimal innovatism. He noted there was a sumptuous minimalist interplay between various abstract forms and surfaces and reflections. He immediately thought Gligorov without the dead body.

After Gligorov minimalist study 'Pool' by Aarnio. Part of the installation 'Calle 19'. The famous MazReal critic tests the water.

Back inside, the first room boldly contained large sculptures reminiscent of furniture, except they did not look in the least bit comfortable. Pieces you would never remotely think of sitting in. Strangely incongruous in this Mexican setting. ‘East Coast Italianate’ he mused. This room gives the viewer immediate thoughts of geometry. This is a space by inhabiting we are giving shape and form to. The layers of meaning more apparent when you step through the doors, interrupting the tyranny of emptiness

Installation 'Calle 19' by Zero 'Mad' Aarnio intrigues our man into speechlessness.

The next room featured a large sculpture the size of a bed and through that a smaller room featuring sculptures of white porcelain invoking neo-dada. Duchamp would certainly approve especially the collusion of properties – white, silver, polished, wetness. He approached a mirrored surface fixed to the wall where he was invited to look inside and see the outside. What is within is without. It forced you to look inside yourself and see the outer person in reverse. “Totally gonesville amigo.” he blurted

Our critic takes a breather in the neo-dada installation of Calle 19.

His mind reeling from the possibilities Eugene stepped outside and never made it to the next one as the malecón and its bars so close beckoned him. He drunkenly passed on his way to the Puerto Viejo a colorful shop with colorful prints of local scenes that sell to passing tourists and cruise ship passengers - tourist memorabilia. He pressed his drunken nose against the window and then staggered inside, his sensitive artistic sensibilities shattered by what he saw and he shouted in an art critic drunken rant taking it out on this poor somewhat taken aback person.

“I’m surrounded by work that is utterly banal and vulgar, like a toilet mounted in concrete resembling nothing that could exist outside of Lovecraftian fiction.”

The proprietor strode over slapped him hard and shouted back, “You fucking Philistine. True art is incomprehensible and these sell.”

Suddenly ‘he got it’, it was art, fine art no less and art that sells. He was surrounded by it. In this little colorful shop full of pretty colorful prints, he had seen the light. Those 4 words – True Art Is Incomprehensible.

Much later the MazReal staff had to be called to the Puerto Viejo to restrain a drunken man shouting his most pretentious art critic sayings at the top of his lungs and banging his glass on the table - “TRUE ART IS ANGSTY, EVERYONE IS JESUS IN PURGATORY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT IS NOT DIDATIC, WHAT THE FUCK DO WE KNOW WE ARE NOT ARTISTS WE ARE MERELY HUMAN, TRUE ART STICKS IT TO THE MAN.

We tazered the madman and dragged him out feet first still shouting and hollering.


We clubbed him senseless to shut his pretentious art critic claptrap. But somehow we knew he was right.

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