Friday, March 26, 2010

Rogue Quad Fish 'Jaws' Soft Board 7-10 Terrorises The Sea Of Cortes

Yesterday an unfortunate woman surfer was attacked by “Jaws” the notorious 7-10 Soft Board Surf Board off Olas Altas. “Jaws” has been seen fleetingly over the last month or two cruising the Sea of Cortes from Baja to Mazatlán after he escaped from the famous surfer and part time Maz resident from the US , Mississippi “Sandwich” J-Bay. “Jaws” has become notorious for taking chunks out of unsuspecting surfers from Baja to Mazatlán but has never been caught and seldom seen and rumours about him have escalated to mythical proportions. Until yesterday!

Famous Surfer Mississippi 'Sandwich' J-Bay and the now notorious Quad Fish 7-10 'Jaws' before it broke loose. Notice the four deadly 'teeth'.

“Sandwich” takes up the story how “Jaws” escaped to roam free last year:

“I was scanning the horizon... and some bodacious senior was shredding balls naked. He was cooking it up real dank when this land lord jumped up at bit at his brain skull. Balls! It was Da Mamie! When his body washed up a clickity schnar snar came out of his buttt buttt and schnar snared at a swamp hog. Totally balls! Then this ween had a wettie warmer and i was like pee party brah!”

While this was happening “Jaws”, his 7-10 snapped his leash and upped and took off into the bay and disappeared.

Again Mississippi “Sandwich” J-Bay staying at the Belmar was close to the scene of the incident yesterday as the unfortunate and shocked woman was dragged ashore.

“I had taken the 7-10 and the 6-6 quad fish down to OA this morning because “Pipeline” (famous surfer Dane “Pipeline” Haw ) wanted to borrow a board. As I was leaving with both boards under my arms I ran into famous surfer Kelly “Backdoor” Bonanza and his equally famous Gallic buddy La Graviere “Marsailles” Tubé whose wife Casey “Crash” Schwalbe was with him this time. She was wearing a bikini and wanted to borrow a board. I had reservations but lent her my 6-6 quad fish soft board since it is a lot lighter and safer for someone whose skills I knew nothing about. I left for a shower.”

A close up of a similar board the 'trio' lying washed up on the beach. Just as deadly as the 'quad' because of the longer knife-edged central fin that can slice a man's leg clean off.

Another famous surfer from Hawaii who happened to be here in Maz at the time, Prince “Aloha Spirit” Ekewaka A’amakuale continues:

“This dudette was shootin the pier and she almost wiped out on the pilings. She got out ok but she ate it big time. When she came up her top was on her waist, bodacious boobs dude! And she didn't care at all…….”

As “Aloha Spirit’s” addled surf mind began wandering we turned to another eyewitness,

“Wait!” A’amakuale shouted trying keep our attention and frothingly babbled on “Next thing ya know they were takin their clothes off! Dude...BONER TIME…..! Man those butt floss babes.....Gaaaaaaaaa.”

Here the boogie board disguises itself as a deadly 'land lord' or great white in surfer lingo, so that it may look deadlier.

Another witness Bam Bam “Billabong” Ripcurl a famous Australian surfer sitting in a malecon bar drinking Ballenas with triple tequila chasers recounts some hazy details:

“This dudette was like catchin one when this shark, a black tip popped it's head up next to her. Dude she like cranked a rad left and pumped it like there was no tomorrow. Got in safe, lucky babelini, it was rad as hell to see.”

However unknown to him she had been hit twice, once on the thigh and once on the calf by the notorious 7-10 soft fish quad not some imaginary black tipped Noah.

Stock photo of another totally hot surfer chick Dawn 'Ace Cool' Ripette fighting off the less deady boogie board menace. Taken by a remote camera on the end of a board ridden waywardly by the big kahuna Davey 'Sardine Run' Fanning. 'Sardine's' board unluckily took a chunk out of 'Ace Cool's' left shoulder which he later blamed on the turbulence caused by an unknown chinese wax job on his board.

“Sandwich” continues:

When I finally got around to going down to the beach I figured “Crash” would be pretty much done with getting hammered by closeouts and I could take my board. When I left the Belmar, directly across the street was a Cruz Roja ambulance and at the bottom of the stairs to the beach were a couple lifeguards attending to someone and my fish lying on the beach. Not good. I was told by a bystander, who gave me the board for them, that she thought she was attacked by a shark but he didn't think it was that sort of wound. It was, however, a very serious cut - two cuts, really - on her thigh and he thought she would need at least 50 stitches.

‘Backdoor’, who had seen the whole thing said “ It was the board that hit her - that she got cut by the fins on the board. It seems a wave had closed out on her and she was doing the washing machine. What she WASN'T doing, in violation of Rule Numero Uno of the ocean, was paying any attention to the waves coming in and she got slammed by a couple more and after the second of these was screaming in pain as “jaws” came in and hit her again.”

Famous Canadian surfer Dane 'Pipeline' Haw shows us how it is done in a stylish yet relaxed way even looking cool on a sloppy shore break.

“Sandwich”,was frothin as it was his board that injured “Crash” and probably put the whole of the forthcoming Semana Santa celebrations on ice as tourists coming to visit Mazatlán over that busy period will steer well clear of the water.

He wandered off wearily saying: “So that's it this is foobar man. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I'm beat, I’m a jinx and will never lend anyone anything unless I'm in the water with them. I’m gonna become a dick dragger, an Eskimo lidder, a smogbreather. I’m gone to the zoo.”

7-10 eye view of how the deadly attack would have taken place. Shot by our battled hardened photographer who has constantly looked danger in the face and shrugged it off.

Worried surfers gather on the Malecon in a storm atmosphere

Hunk Gallic surfer La Graviere ' Marsailles' Tubé heads for the break.

Gorgeous Oz surfer Bam Bam 'Billabong' Ripcurl looks on

A lone depressed surfer looks out over the Sea of Cortes on a now empty Nomaz beach after the 50 foot Dinoboard (Jaws) terrorised the area scattering holiday makers to the four winds

A dig dragger (surfer brohahs natural enemy) takes a pipe off Playa Bruja oblivious to the danger.

Olas Altas danger warnings deter some people.

Stop Press

A 7-10 quad soft board now dubbed “DinoBoard”, a 50 foot long killer has just been reported as attacking a fat man off the Hotel Riu beachfront. He was last seen being dragged outwards and under in a curtain of bubbles and red frothing foam. The frightened observer, a sunburned red man clutching a brace of rum punches alerted the Salvavida who blew his whistle in a last vein attempt to scare off the creature with no luck. It seems Dinoboard his moving his inexorabe way up the Sinaloa coast wreaking havoc and as his migration of terror northwards continues his length increases.

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