Saturday, April 26, 2014


LOUD IS THE NEW QUIET


STOP PRESS

Mazatlán is Officially Party Town Mexico. 

MazReal Move To Kiev Ukraine Where It Is Quieter. 

Bird Craps on Mayor's Car.

Shock Announcement by Mayor 'Handsome Sal' Salvador Garzón : " Mazatlán Is No Place For Virgins."

New Billboard Poster with this warning will be unveiled at all Mazatlán Entry Warnin


Mazatlán was the New Zacatecas for a short while, now it seems mayor Sal 'Sally Boy' Garzón, his right-hand man Jorge 'El Patrón' Unger and his left-hand man Anibal 'The Hannibal' Gonzalez have designated Mazatlán, particularly around Olas Altas, officially Sleaze City. "We want our state name to describe our city - SINaloa Hahahhah." Sal said.

Anyone who lives in Mazatlán knows the mayor has been hosting back-to-back parties since the French invasion in 1209 sponsored by beer. There has been Easter Week, Carnival Week and coming to the end of Moto Week. Next week is Week Week followed by Beer Week, Music Week, Rent Boy Week, Pink Week etc etc till the end of time. That biggie celebrated by Fucking Great Big Asteroid Week . Unfortunately devoid of  sponsorship as Pacifico will already be on that escape rocket to Mars.

Party Town Mexico or Nueva Cancún as we want to re-christen it, is where anything goes and the music is LOUD. 

"We want to be known as the town where the music is the loudest." screamed 'El Patrón' through a megaphone. "Loud is the new quiet." he continued.

Consequently this will be the last post we upload from Mexico as MazReal and it's staff are moving themselves to Kiev in The Ukraine where we are assured it is much quieter. 

The Sal Decrees:

Paseo Claussen will be pedestrianised from the big flag to the metal man playing a piano at the foot of the hill on the other side. 

Every 10 metres will be a band stand playing music every night from 6pm to 6am, 7 nights a week. 


The road will be lined with food stalls, cock-fighting arenas, speak-easies, tattoo parlours, sin-bins, card sharps, juice joints and lollygaggers. 


Every restaurant and beer joint will have to host a band that plays Creedence Clearwater Revival numbers and out of tune Beatles covers at loudness level 11.

Riot police will patrol and will be under strict orders to throw people against the wall for a quick frisking and kicking and batoning if they look suspicious and are seen not be enjoying themselves. 


The streets linking Paseo Claussen to Plaza Machado will also be closed to traffic allowing late night revellers to use it as a public pissoir and route where they can shout and giggle loudly at all hours of the night. 


Locals and Gringos alike who live in Centro Historic will have to prove to Salvados 'Tough Sal' Garzón (also known as 'Tico' to his kids, '14th Street Steve' to his servant, 'Louie Ha Ha' to his wife and behind his back 'Sal The Gofer' or 'Little Sally' or 'Johnnie Sausage' by his secretary and car wash lackey and rent boy Jesús) that they are party animals and if proven to be boring old farts, they will be rounded up and sent to live amongst the rocks on Goat Hill.



 Yes, Mazatlán is designated No Place For Virgins.

A public awareness campaign aimed mainly at women is now underway to demonstrate how to 'floozify' oneself.  As Salvador 'Las Vegas Pete' Garson recently proclaimed :

"All red-blooded Mexican men love a floozie." using trendy vernacular from the prohibition era so as to appear 'street'.

One of the few women in the administration, Esther Villapanda Acosta head of the department for the Token Woman Department was told to take a holiday while the all-male plan to loosen-up women was put into practice with leaflets and instructive guides.

Ace Reporter Dirk 'Dirk' Dirkerson reports:


Instructive Guides after the break.


1/ Sofa Etiquette and Gymnastics
Obviously the first thing to teach a woman is where to sit on a sofa so that she has no chance of ever being able to get away from the advances of a man and then once wedged The Man can get to work on loosening her up.



2/ Kissing and Tonguing Technique


After placing a hand on the wrist or thigh, the kiss would generally come next. Judging by the poster above, mouth size seems to be a concern for the administration but whatever the size of the mouth, the Vacuum kiss or the 'Sucking the dentures, bridge, teeth filling down the throat kiss' or the 'Pigeon Feeding Its Young Food Regurgitation Kiss' is always a good one to start with. The lady will soon allow her moral veil to slide even if The Man has just smoked a cigar after a meal, say, of salt cod and gherkins and motza balls or Chicken Kiev and Lamb Korma.


3/ Long Distance Visual Communication Instruction Classes


Free clases will be held to show ladies how to use the language of the semaphore, the telegraphy method to convey from a distance visual signals that will allow men to approach safely without getting a kick in the cojones

Pamphlets will be pushed through doors showing everyone how NOT to do things

4/ Going Steady


Going Steady is NOT good…..


5/ Dancing Groin Distance Instructions


……and leaving a bible sized groinal gap when dancing is another No No.


And Positively NO women with hairy faces 


6/ Panty to Knee Distance Limits


Policemen on  fast moving bicycles dangerously wielding notepads, sharp pencils  and tape-measures will size-up women to make sure the pant line is a metre above the knee. 


Perfect Butt Dimensions




Mayor 'El Taco the artichoke King' Garzón firmly believes men love a woman who carries a quote Broad Beam unquote has decreed a royal proclamation that those women bearing a skinny behind will go two to a pair of pants to make up the deficit.


How To Capture Women Without The Need For A Gladiator Net 


Suave ERM Magazine staff writer Tony 'The Cock" Zancocchio.

The administration has jumped on an idea from the latest lead story in the local rag ERM Magazine where the suave staff writer Tony 'The Cock'  Zancocchio (seen holding his cock and suavely twirling its tail feather ) explains how he captures women, not utilising the tired old method of charging at them and tossing a gladiator net over them but with the more efficient way of promising them a lift in his expensive Bentley when actually it is a golden 'death trap' pulmonia he turns up in.  

With the use of the accepted journalistic practice of taking quotes out of context and turning them into whatever we think they should mean he said...

"My ultimate objective crystal-clear," he continued heartlessly.  "I organised and executed a strategic plan in the most efficient manner possible."

This statement we interpreted in meaning many things:   
a: with a crystal clear objective he has organised and executed efficient strategic executive plans 
b: he's organised and exacted crystal clear plants
c: with a crystal pear pan he has executed his objective shaves

  when what he in fact means, cutting through the journalist jargon of the scandal mag that ERM is, 

is he has executed his captured partner because his manhood and cock fighting syndicate is on the line.


Tyre Changing Instructions For Women


Guaranteed to loosen up any woman is instruction in synchronised tyre changing and lifting whilst wearing the national dress of the BuntuAbantu tribe of Central West Africa.

How To Make Ugly Men More Attractive To Women In Order To Loosen Them Up



Local barbers have been given this poster of accepted hair styles that the Mazatleco Men have to chose from to make sure the women swoon at their feet. Anything else is banned including baldness. Asked his opinion of he new style, a man on the street said  

"Yeh I'll go for those. They're what every man is wearing in San Fransisco  today. At least we have 16 to choose from. Those poor men in North Korea only have one."


A new Official Ayuntamiento Approved  Menswear Shop - Senor Flogs - is opening 120 branches in Olas Altas where the classy Uzbekistani designer Zokirtoj 'Eleganza' Almatov has had a hand in making men irresistible to women and men alike. Below the lucky designer in his lab coat he designed himself showing just how irresistible he is. Or is he in fact just saying that when in fact he is changing into a leopard.

Zokirtoj 'Eleganza' Almatov 



Dental Assistants :



As Mazatlán has become the Dental Holiday Root Canal Destination for every cheapskate Canadian and US citizen requiring stuff done inside their mouths, the dental assistants, generally women, have been ordered by a draconian decree from Salvador ' The Lord High Executioner' Garzón to smarten up their act and fraternise with the patients in a 'No Holds Barred Manner'.


The Results Of The Decree are Coming In Thick and Fast

Salvador ' Joe Bananas' Garzón's actions in making our town a no-virgin no go-area have been showing positive results as seen from the recent pictures from MazReal ace photographer Zeke 'The Snapper' Colhoughy. Mazatlán is fast becoming the floozie capital of all CatholicLand south of the border.



Women are found to be boozing from the bottle neck half-naked in hotel corridors….. (surely you mean half-naked boozing - Ed)



… selling themselves on the side outside the Ginger Bread house of Panama Bakery...


….demanding money outside cantinas...


…fixing their own bullet wounds sustained in shoot-outs over men


…enticing sausage eating men of German extraction by wearing the latest sausage fashion from Bavaria




The sofa etiquette has paid off as Lupita from Centro shows the correct way to watch telenovelas and be sexy at the same time when her 'Man' comes to visit with his parents.





The Ladeez from the Lucksaw Levitating Group are making themselves available to men by scraping off the flakey paintwork on their doors whilst their 'Man' lies drunk on the floor.




There is a woman for every man as these twins Lupita and Lupita from Calle Zaragoza can testify to all the twin men out there. "Come and get us you naughty look-alike boys." they chirped in unison.



Salvador 'Billy Fingers' Garzón and his cohorts have gone too far, in our editorial opinion, by opening a chain of Motels on the outskirts of town in a bid to further cement their dictatorial decree in making Mazatlán the universe's loudest party town.




"To sum up. Here's the clientele we are looking for." barked 'Little Ceasar' hammering his fist on the table upsetting the bottles of tequila and red-eye drinkin' ethanol. "We want bare-chested carousing pirate sailors and their happy-go-lucky wenches for our city of laughter , noise and lights." he giggled and continued "In fact we are sending out a party invitation to our drunken Oztralian cousins. Come here all is forgotten you Ozzie bastards." he then fell asleep into his soup.





ALL HAIL









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