Mazatlan Summer News 2014 - What Do You Get Up To?

Mazatlán Summer News - What Do Yew Get Up To?

MazReal staff are on vacation in a cabin in Alert Nunavat somewhere in the far north in Canada, chewing seal fat and drinking snow.

Summer in Mazatlán is seriously hot, like fetid baboon breath apparently. There is no joy in the sunshine and there is very little expat outdoor activity. The occasional pink pale face can be seen behind the glass in Allegro coffee shop or Molika bistro gulping down the chilled air like a fish in a bowl. Passing off half the day in front of a cup of coffee or a pulpo carpaccio until they pluck up the courage to venture out into that fug of heat and moisture and sweatily return to their abode keeping to the shadowed side of the street or the sunny side if you are a mad dog or Englishman.

For a NOB* these equate to 100 and 135 degrees F. And sensación termica roughly translates as perceived temp.

(*NOB is an acronym for a person from North of the Border as used  by a popular columnist from an expat newsletter popular in Mazatlán.)

In expat communities around the world gossip and rumours are naturally present but unfortunately some people take immense delight in casually spreading potentially slanderous and vicious rumours without foundation. So we decided to open the doors on these hardy summer expats to get to the truth of what they get up to during this period of jungle-fever heat and storm so as to quash these sometimes bizarre and outrageous stories floating around expatty-land.

Rosina Revelle aka Lil' Oral Annie, NOB, who is an established writer, columnist, opinion shaper and social commentator. She is considered an authority on popular culture and editor of the online newsletter The Blood and Guts of Mazatlán gets down and dirty interrogating elite members of the professional expat business and artistic community on the subject of, in her no nonsense words:

"How do they get through the day to day fug of rumouring and boredom living in a hot foreign country where no one speaks English and you have to pay fucking taxes if you work?"

Spunky Rosina Revelle demanding an answer to her leading question or else! 

Some of Lil' Annie's freelance work includes stories written for popular soccer and film blogs including this tasty personal excerpt from the popular Uzbekistan film blog Filimy Chittichatti.uz :

Please Azizziz keep your Goddamn clothes on….

At a time when lesser actors with better bods are willing to go all the way on camera, it seems like a pretty dumb move to pitch Azziziz against this sizzling bunch of washboard stomachs and bulging fruit bowls. Remember, Ranveer Zulfizar in '.... Rama Dama Dingdong Leela' also did it for Sayyid Umarkhan, making fans wonder whether Nurmukhammed includes a 'nanga-panga-wanger' clause in the contract for male porno stars. And ahem... Ranbir was an 'unexposed' 25-year-old at the time. Azizziz  alas, at a ripe 99, is well past his sell-by date in the bully beefcake steak stakes. No matter what Muqaddas Jumanova, his partner in prime cuts, has to say, this is one stunt that hasn't hit the G-spot of female fans. The naked truth. Nothing butt! And here it comes: Azizziz Schakchnosa Bekzod - keep your friggin' clothes on. We will love you, anyway! etc etc.

….And here another confessional gem on how she lost the World Cup for the Ugandan Asian soccer Fanzine Footie Footie Fan Fan.

"Shameful confession: I lost the World Cup.

Yes, me Rosina Revelle! I could have stopped that goal. I could have scored one myself. I should have bitten someone's shoulder. Or broken my opponent's vertebra. Or stomped his head into the hallowed turf. Or pulled out my AK and shot the fucker in the head. That's the very least one can do when so much is at stake.

Me? All I did is cheer and get slaughtered on 6 bottles of New Zealand Chardonnay (any excuse...but it's important to express loyalty by picking the appropriate continent for your wine)and a bottle of Stoli. By the time, the tenth round of sausages and sauerkraut got passed around, I knew no amount of crying or farting for Argentina would help.

Over on my side, a few ladies were discussing Shakira's boobs and Gisele's arse. We all agreed our boobs and arses lie all the time. We are much, MUCH slimmer! I recalled the words of Dilip D Mucherooni who said, "We have to stop thinking too much. Wise words Dil!

Even though, Mohan Joshi Josh Balasubramanian Chakrapati, that lunch pack hero was not playing in the World Cup Final, I was instructed by the drunken men to serve prawns (no explanation required if you are a Gujarat!). It must have been the prawns! Had we flown in Argentinian Asado and Churasco for the crucial match, Messi wouldn't have messed up. And I would have won. Thank God my husband no longer has to shout 'Achtung Baby' for the next four more years.."

'THIS IS MY MAZATLAN'

SECTUR's wonderful campaign on what makes Mazatlán for the foreigner the wonderful place it is introduced us to some pleasurable pastimes undertaken by some of our kin shouting the words "THIS IS MY MAZATLÁN" after a brief insight into what makes their Mazatlán. Isn't it amazing what one's desire for their 10 seconds of fame can unearth in all its eccentricity.

We have one or two favourites especially the one when they threw a man into a shark tank. He was later dragged out minus four limbs but was lucky enough to still retain enough lung to croak "This is my Mazatlán" before expiring. No longer enjoying the use of a right arm he was unable to do a 'thumbs up'.

A sharp-eyed passerby snapped this terrifying cell phone image of a diver being torn asunder from a deadly killer fish of some sort. Maybe the detached hand is giving the "thumbs up"

It appears from our second favourite  "This is my Mazatlán" that church-going is a happy occurrence but from our own experience it is a rather sad place to go to seek redemption from a murder committed or a robbery you undertook and it is therein where you can be assured of immediate forgiveness. However the captured couple smilingly praying seem to be enjoying the experience and from the radiant looks on their countenances and their keen 'thumbs up' on exiting probably accounted for their prayers being answered. Lets hope they prayed for world peace rather than winning the lottery.

The 'up-the-nose' shot of the church-going "This is my Mazatlán" couple indicating to the heavens that that's what makes 'Their Mazatlán.'

(Just go to youtube and type in This is my mazatlan to see all the delights mentioned above and more....)

MaReal staff have to get in on the act and have compiled a list of what makes Mazatlán the Pearl of the Pacific it deserves to be. 

We sent out our amateur photographer and cub reporter Justine "Bill" Farnsworth to interview typical foreigners on what makes their Mazatlán.

"Bill" Farnsworth

more interviews after the break...........

Mazatlán Monthly News Roundup

In between making movies we still have the time to draw your attention to what's happenin' in and around Mazatlán. It is March and soon the clocks will change to allow us more sunlight at some part of the day and more night at others. It's all very confusing really. 

Guns and drugs are the scourge of our society and this month we uncover the extent of gun ownership amongst us.

Just to show MazReal is an unbiased news site we have invited far-right wing conservative  investigative journalist, part-time fascist, Ayn Rand nut and woman about town, Justine "Bill" Farnsworth. "Bill" who can only be seen at the best get-togethers, restaurants and art happenings, has unearthed and brings to you an alarming truism. An alarming truism she claims she unearthed while nosing around the bathrooms and bedroom drawers at expatriate parties - 

North Americans and many other nations love guns. 



She takes up the story.

"Pemsi, my  beautiful youthful Nepalese boy-servant and I spent the next weeks in a state of complete excitement, baking up a storm in the kitchen. I can only conclude that I overestimated the absorbency of Yak butter oatcakes, since I have no recollection of how we came to be found in Angel Peralta Cemetery the next morning, nor what we were doing naked on that mausoleum, with most of our clothes and rubber accoutrements scattered  from the main gate gate like a trail of crumbs in a fairytale. The police seemed satisfied at my explanation that I was demonstrating to the fine-boned youth an early pagan ritual celebrating the rising sun by discarding our earthly clothes. 500 pesos sent the naughty men on their way.

Back to guns. My curiosity was piqued on seeing a picture of the stunningly beautiful hero of mine, Sarah 'Grizzly Mama' Palin smilingly caressing a high powered sniper rifle after ending the life of a rabid bear staked to the ground and a herd of vicious grazing domesticated Caribou while lying at a safe distance of a mile or two."We all got to eat." she said "And us Alaskonians have got good appetites." she added.
 
Women with guns? That's what I endeavoured to find out in this tranquil village of Centro Mazatlán. We all know that our nation north, south, east and west of the border love guns, we all know men love guns, ritually rubbing themselves all over in gun oil, caressing the barrels and getting off on the smell of cordite from discarded shells and I was determined to prove that us women are equally enamoured by guns but not necessarily the gun oil part of it. And we all agree that we need a closet stacked with guns to protect us from something or other. So I feverishly invited myself to all the parties in Centro to find out the truth.

Teenager Arngunnur Maliiinannguaggua originally from Yukon by way of Iceland demonstrates how to give the person on the other end of her 12 bore shot gun the steely eye to show that she really means business and will not hesitate to take a potential drunk's head off with a double barrel of buckshot if they so much as offer to buy her a tall latte down at the Looney Toons Beanpole on the Malecón. 

"The animal from this coat I am wearing was at the receiving end of this very gun not so long ago." she added.


more gunz after the jump

End Of Year Round Up. Notable 2012 Mazatlán Stories.

January - Lobster Leaves Town

2012 was an eventful year in Mazatlán and luckily MazReal and its staff of dedicated reporters, photographers and critics were there to report on it. The most remarkable scoop of the year was news of the baby lobster called Zeke that decided it had had enough of Mazatlán. We were there to interview it as it made its way down the road to start a new life in Guadalajara.

"Guadalajara is where it's at." succinctly explained the celebrity crustacean. 
He went on,  "Mazatlán is so 2012."

"Why is that? Explain yourself." demanded the tetchy reporter. (Somewhat angry with the lobster assignment as he had just returned from Aleppo and interviewing sea creatures was not part of his remit.)

Refusing to be drawn, the canny crustacean spat brusquely:

"Ships don't stop here anymore and my job as the tourism guide in Plaza Machado has gone."

" Being jobless in Mexico is depressing," explained Zeke, " Especially if you are subphylum of the arthropods and a vital part of the food chain"

On scuttling off the little critter shouted over his shoulder:

" I got a bus to catch amigo. I'm outta here. Toot toot." *


*Sadly we heard later that the Arthropod Zeke was flattened by a car as it crossed against the lights. It's common knowledge that sea creatures never do well in heavy traffic.

more old news after the break