Thursday, January 3, 2013

End Of Year Round Up. Notable 2012 Mazatlán Stories.

January - Lobster Leaves Town

2012 was an eventful year in Mazatlán and luckily MazReal and its staff of dedicated reporters, photographers and critics were there to report on it. The most remarkable scoop of the year was news of the baby lobster called Zeke that decided it had had enough of Mazatlán. We were there to interview it as it made its way down the road to start a new life in Guadalajara.

"Guadalajara is where it's at." succinctly explained the celebrity crustacean. 
He went on,  "Mazatlán is so 2012."

"Why is that? Explain yourself." demanded the tetchy reporter. (Somewhat angry with the lobster assignment as he had just returned from Aleppo and interviewing sea creatures was not part of his remit.)

Refusing to be drawn, the canny crustacean spat brusquely:

"Ships don't stop here anymore and my job as the tourism guide in Plaza Machado has gone."

" Being jobless in Mexico is depressing," explained Zeke, " Especially if you are subphylum of the arthropods and a vital part of the food chain"

On scuttling off the little critter shouted over his shoulder:

" I got a bus to catch amigo. I'm outta here. Toot toot." *

*Sadly we heard later that the Arthropod Zeke was flattened by a car as it crossed against the lights. It's common knowledge that sea creatures never do well in heavy traffic.

more old news after the break

February - Steampunk Steamroller Event

Earlier in the year local artists organised a steamroller ploughing competition and the winner was the artist who ploughed the most creative design on the field. This was won by Harold Pinter in his pimped up steam contraption with its fancy awning and Jules Verne Steampunk design mechanics. We, however thought he came on top partly because the judges were biased towards his prissy little machine rather than his mediocre furrowed artwork. But that's art for you. It's the idea that counts.

March - New International Art Work Discovered.

Another artwork that is taking the art world by storm is this piece of 'found art' by that well known artist Mateo von Mawson. This, we are told,  was inspired by objet d'art thrown over the wall of his house into his garden during one year. This undeniably exotic piece was  inspired by the not so famous famous 'Fountain'.  Marcel Duchamp famous found art piece does not actually exist in its original form. That was destroyed but luckily not before a photographer took a photograph of it thereby keeping the idea alive. Unfortunately this colourful work exotically called 'Crap Found In My Garden' cannot be exhibited as it is part of the famous recluse's garden wall and without that it would loose all its value as an artwork.

April - Art Galleries Court Canine Artist

'Pretty Girl' painter and local celebrity artist Fred "Who's  A Good Boy' MacTavish signs his latest piece. Given the fact that this well known artist is a dog of mixed parentage we can forgive him the fact that he paints rather twee pictures of girls posing on tree trunks, beach walls and beds. However because he is a dog who can paint albeit only using a pallet of six colours, local galleries have been falling over themselves to snap him up because they know his presence at an opening will bring every Mazatlán art lover in town chomping at the bit to get on down and shake his paw. We have heard on the 'art vine' that a recently opened gallery in Centro is flying over a famous Chimpanzee artist discovered in the foothills of the Ngorogorororo Mountains in Rwandaland in an attempt to raise its status and flagging sales in this new 'belt tightening' year of cutbacks, austerity and fiscal cliffhanging.

May - New Mega Sized Home Stylee Store Opens.

What Mazatlán really needed in this time of austerity and pocket tightening was an IKEA sized furniture warehouse in Centro and, well, bugger me, we have one. Canny expat owner Helmut van O'Lleary has taken over the old bicycle and sweat shop clothing factory that was nearly destroyed in that freak tornado Carlos we all don't remember that drove up Belisario Dominguez from Playa Sur destroying the factory on passing. Luckily it stopped soon after near the Laundromat. 

Helmut von Whatsisname immediatly saw the potential and the cheap rental on a hurricane destroyed property and honoured the new naturally rearranged design, keeping most of the destroyed mud brown concrete floors and steeply angles Moroccan corniced Roccocokadoodledoo ceiling intact and so what we have is an elegant and somewhat scattered quirky 'space' that during the rains (as seen here) becomes its own island.  Helmut von Richtoffen has trawled the country far and wide to source his blend of ColonicMexicana pack horses, house fittings, knick knacks and storm damaged furniture.

Oh how we love the eccentric entrepreneurial spirit that can add frisson to our lives here in Centro. Although none of us can afford or want the furniture therein, we can at least wander around  the interesting interior and look.

June - Event Of The Year

 The Oo Arrrr Parrot Bar held a New Year's Eve meeting of the Men Only Mayan End Of The World Society where it was decided over a few bottles of beer and spirits that as it was now 2013 and as the predicted end of the world did not come to pass, they can all start drinking and smoking again.

"Life's to fucking short." succinctly put the Chairman and God of the Earth Senor Ah Uuc Ticab

"Salud." he continued raising bottle of Tequila to his lips and doing a jig across the room.

July - Carnival Queens Announced. New Rules Of Entry Came Into Force.

In the past, carnival queens were decided by all the rich people who live in the gated communities of El Seed where you had to be beautiful and stinking rich to enter. However in the new year of belt tightening the rules changed to where money is not a factor. Now to win Carnival Queen the lucky entrant has to do a task that they excel at.  It's a more democratic process one hopes.

As we all know, beautiful daughters and sons of rich parents never lift a finger to do anything for themselves and as they all look the same anyway made up like soap stars, they did not feature. One woman, however, said that she could back her large gold Range Rover 4X4 out the garage on her own. That was not good enough said the judges because she could not open the self opening door and a servant had to be called to do that bit.

After some amazing tasks we got the winner and runner up and as you can see beauty was not the only factor in this exciting new competition.

The winner above won because she could jump over a rope and the runner up below came in second because she could swim to Cabo and back. And here she is just landing on Olas Altas and it seems she's picked up some sea life on the way. Doesn't her look of happiness just sum up the whole competition.

Our thoughts go out to the the lady below who task was to serve a cup of tea standing on her head. She would have been the clear winner if her plank had not snapped. It was reported termites were to blame.

We can't wait for Carnival 2013 where we will be lucky to witness some amazing tasks like building a dug out canoe and crawling to Esquinapa and back. Come on ladies!!

August - Secret Society Of Hypnotic Hairdresses Found At The Back Of The New Bicycle Hire Shop

MazReal roving fashion reporter Dick Dickerson uncovered, by accident, a secret society of hypnotic hairdresses when he passed through the doors of the new bicycle hire shop - Soreass - on Olas Altas to hire a bike and came out bewildered and confused with a page boy haircut and a bicycle. We snapped a pic of him in his highly befuddled state not long afterwards.

"I am damn sure I will not be able to blow dry my hair to this degree of perfection every day." groaned a pissed off Dick.

The other ladies (below) who entered and exited a short time later baffled but ultimately they all seemed rather pleased with their experiences and hairdos that came as an add-on to a 3 hour bike hire.

"This is the style for year 2013. I will certainly be going back to rent a bike." gushed this happy woman from Medicine Hat.

Lety from Urias says she is really delighted with her 'do as she is a big Star Wars fan but her mom still looks a bit confused and frankly annoyed at her pig tails. 

"This is a style for a young girl." she said and continued "As I am pushing 80 I was hoping they would have done me blue rinse."

This delighted family from some hellhole in Idaho cannot stop grinning from the bicycle rental experience. "My 'do kind of makes it harder to ride in a headwind." slurped the idiot on the left.

These kids are still slightly traumatised by whole bike riding episode, but they did end it with a cool silver rinse and bicycles with kiddie stabilisers.

So if you don't own a bike and have a bland hairstyle, be sure to breeze on down to Soreass Bike rental.

September - The Mexican Rail System Is Back On Line!

In 2012 various attempts were made by budding entrepreneurs to revitalise the Nogales to Guadalajara via Mazatlán with some notable failures and one success story.

The Russian were big contenders attempting with their grand ideas, for instance the walking loco below that was designed to thwart bandits along the line who would have had to bring along ladders to fleece the pockets of passengers at rail stoppings.

Another Russian, Count Ivanonvic Zlatozubov decided that a more simple approach was needed and here he is with a prototype of his self propelled Bikotrain. He got as far as opening a Bikotrain hire shop on Olas Altas but it was soon closed as his staff, seen below, insisted on drinking vodka and breaking into squat dancing whenever the opportunity arose on the pavement outside maiming many an old expat sauntering passed. Complaints from the Soreass bike shop next door soon shut the Bikotrain shop down. Mazatlán lost some real characters as a result.

Here the winner  is Californian expat entrepreneur, Don 'Casey' Jones  who has brought the railways back to Mazatlán. Here is seen pulling majestically into Mazatlán Rail Station. 

"Due to cutbacks we have had to downsize the engine and carriage accommodation but in doing so it does give the lucky passengers an experience closer to the action and the wonderful Mexican wildlife on the majestic plains that we pass through." said ex-railman  Don 'Casey' Jones.

The twelve day trip from Nogales costs just 3 and a half pesos. Your baggage carried by fleet-footed child slaves will be awaiting at you destination.

October - Scandal Of The Year

Expat communities are not always the tranquil and happy places we all assume they are. There is always a dark side to our 'Stepford Wives' community. The majority of us are generous and charitable for under our predominately JudeoBaptistJainoNewThoughtisticLutheranUnitarianHumanisticNeopaganism beliefs we are all natural missionaries. We want to help those less fortunate than ourselves be them humans or animals or insects. 

However lurking under the guise of El Nuevo Orfanatario de Calle Zaragosa (see above police line-up photo) there was a dastardly trade in shaven headed boys and girls. Wholesome upstanding church goers Zeke and Mary White plied a secret cross border trade with Uzbekistastanistan in healthy child flesh for washing dishes and carrying out the rubbish in Plaza Machado and Olas Altas restaurants. These orphans from the mountainous region of the Caucasus' were shipped across in Kiddy Lego kits and rented out under the guise of the Thriftee Car Hire Company.

The 'White' kidnapees getting off work in one restaurant in Plaza Machado.

The notorious child torturers, the White's, cover was blown. Blown one morning when Mr. Squatpump of Copa de Oro, Noma went by to pick up his rental car from Thriftee. He drove home parked it outside his house, went inside to research his Copala destination maps and when he strolled into the kitchen to take a steadying shot of Jack to calm his tremors he saw to his surprise that all his dishes had been washed and neatly stacked and a bald-headed half-pint Uzbeki kid standing patiently by his sink. The poor toddler had been stashed in the trunk of the car and escaped and automatically washed Mr. Squat's dishes.

The evil White's,  Zeke and Mary, originally from Knik-Fairview Alaska have been arrested and water-boarded down at a secret CIA location in Preston England.

They heartlessly explained, " God made us do it. It's all his fault. And living in Mexico we assumed we could get away with it as this is a third world country with no laws and .........."

The rest of the confession was drowned under a volley of thudding fists and baseball bats striking human skulls.

November - The 'Silly' Season Of News

November is a month when there is a lack of news and reporters concentrate on covering the 'silly season' as it is called. Cute pet stories, human interest in the kitchen, rich parents and their children's birthday parties etc, etc. We have put together some of those we encountered on that slow month.............

The Old Expat Log Throwing championships we held at the Bosque de La Ciudad. Many fatalities marred the excitement of the event as 10 old gents succumbed to heart attacks and fatal groin hernias.

The scariest story from the November concerned the celebrated Mother Teresa when she paid a visit to an orphanage here in our very own city and ate a baby. As she had recently been deified, the whole episode was written off as the will of God.

Long time expats Phil and his wife Maisie jokingly pose for a snap in a local studio. Maise is noted in the expat community for her ability to remove her head which she sometimes performs as a party trick when she has had a few. She has been warned numerous times to desist as she can clear a room full of  people screaming for the exit in no time.

Young dapper Greg 'Justin Beaver' Kendrick got into trouble when he brought out his latest popular hit. As we live in times of sensitivity, the male population of expats were rounded up and tossed inside but subsequently released when Greg told the courts that God is man who touched him. And as He is all powerful the court had to let the episode go and warn Greg to be a bit more mindful of the wording of his next single. We are all taking legal advice whether we should sue the little fucker for jeopardising  our safety whilst we spent a couple of nights watching our backs in the notorious Mazatlán Carcel.

This strange story beggars belief in that tent revivalists Mr. and Mrs. Bishop for many years have used their son Timmy as a marketing game to increase attendance at their revivals. Timmy, looking strikingly like a ventriloquist's dummy, has been used as such, sitting on his dad's knee.

Now this is where it gets confusing because his dad is the one on the left but the guy on the right who purports to be Mr. Bishop is in fact Mrs. Bishop who dresses like his dad and wears tissue in his/her shoes to elevate her/his height because she/he likes to manipulate the 'dummy'. In show biz circles that is a role exclusively for males and in order to take on that role in the conservative realm of tent revivalists, Mrs. Bishop had to appear to be a man and therefore Mr. Bishop had to appear to be Mrs. Bishop. Poor Timmy has been doing the role for so long now that all he can do nowadays is paraphrase his mother every time she opens her mouth even when they are doing nothing but socializing.

Social services have been notified but Mrs. and Mr. Bishop (not their proper name) said it is the will of God and they will prey on us.

Another tragic story that could have been so funny had it not been so tragic. Expats Horace and Julia  used their 5 sons as a Whack-A-Mole stand as an added attraction at the weekly Saturday morning organic vegetable market. For many years they toured the Mazatlán country fayres and even appeared for a night at the Angela Peralta theatre to great acclaim. The confused looks in the eyes of their children is probably due to the fact that they have been wacked so many times on the head. They had a very successful season at the market but after one complaint the Mexican authorities have silently spirited them away for rear of the repercussions of a child abuse scandal.

We believe they are now stashed with Enrique Peña Nieto and his entourage and used to encourage voters when he flies around the country

This frivolous and somewhat naughty story is that of Sir Albert who is trying to encourage all expats to use compost and recycle their kitchen food waste into making their flowers grow taller and brighter. Let's hope he gets the word across. His book tells us how to do it using compost.

This is a heartening story for all the female servants of God who have had that desire to skateboard. The bishop of Sinaloa has just announced a decree making is legal under the eyes of Go to allow nuns to do it and they are coming out in large numbers scaring the daylights out of street youth with their abilities.

Go you Servants of God!!

We got behind the scenes to show you the selection process for next years Magic Lantern Carnival queen. The hopeful queens are put through their paces by a sergeant major who is preparing them for fitness tests so they may undertake their tasks in a healthy state of mind and body.

Go you ladies of mettle!!!!

December - Shocking News For Animal Lovers an the U.S. government

December saw two pieces of news that shocked the nation....................

The US Government has been told that Mexico is no longer going to be the servant of the USA. They are now going to be the servants of the UK. Mexico says that the inherent socialist policies of the UK are more in tune with their thinking and they will get a better wage deal dealing with the British.

Mazatlán animal humane societies were shocked to see this image of a dog that has been bred with a horse. This 'horg' as it is known was heartlessly given to the young toddler as a Christmas gift by the breeders of this frankly weird animal.

Asked about the strange pairing, Daphne Hewnderson said heartlessly and matter-of-factly:

"We thought it would produce the perfect size animal for Timmy to ride around the garden until he attained the age of 6 or thereabouts."

Outraged animal rights activists has since burned down the Hewndersons house and strung the whole family up from the nearest tree. The Horg is now doing well running freely around the Mexican plains.

The activists said: "The Horg is now free to roam without the indignity of having to carry a human around on its back."

Have a happy and peaceful 2013!!!!!!

©2013 MazReal

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