Sunday, August 4, 2013

MazReal Return From Scientific Study in Tierra Del Fuego Chile.

MazReal staff just got back after two months scientifically measuring the flow of glaciers with a tape measure and pencil in Tierra del Fuego and as you can expect it takes a while to see anything moving as geological time proceeds very slowly. Two months in fact to measure one centimetre flowage.  

We astoundingly discovered that the 'movement' was not forward movement at all but was in fact movage backwards. You see, glaciers are really moving backwards and not at all melting from the global increase in temperature because as we discovered it was fucking freezing down there so how could glaciers melt.

Here is a picture of the great Helen Mirren in the film The Tempest used just to illustrate the extreme weather conditions down there. As we bartered our camera for magic mushrooms and albatross eggs we couldn't illustrate how bad the weather was. But we know it was tempestuous as we experienced it first hand.

This astounding discovery of 'natural uphill frozen water movement' contrary to the laws of physics has yet to be taken seriously by the wider scientific community.  But we are hopeful that we are on the brink of a Nobel Prize for something or other. Our new theory of NUPFROW has been taken up in earnest by all members of the GOP and fellow climate change sceptics. Although we have been labelled as flat-earthers, crazy, out of touch and fucking idiots [sic] we stand by our convictions that glaciers move uphill and Tierra Del Fuego is not as warm as The Namibian Desert Hot Plate as it is purported to be.

Anyone who wants to disprove it can just bugger off with their tape measure to the loneliest, coldest wettest most hostile wintery windy place on the planet, sit in a pup tent for 8 weeks eating nothing but lichen, guano and stinkpot birds cooked in various ways and drink puddle water. There you will undoubtably see the backward movement of frozen water and the albatrosses that turn into super models and the garden gnome called Garth that delivers pizza.

Whilst there we did in fact become kind of friendly with a group of Ona Fuegians, the local inhabitants of that region and they would dance by and allow us to share in their ritual of mushroom eating naked body painting. It was after such sessions that we proved our astounding theory

The Ona Fuegians did not allow us to take pictures of them as they considered our 2G iPhones 3s were sooo out of date so we asked them take these wonderful pictures of us with their 4G iPhone 5s. These images illustrate how normal we considered we still looked  after we had been down at the arse end of the world for 7 weeks.

Our scientific work done on global climate change we are now hoping for some Tea Party funding to prove their theory that 5 million Mexicans are illegally crossing the border north every day and shooting dead anyone who gets in their way. We will be billeting ourselves this time in a 5 star establishment in Bisbee Az. going out every day with the hard working  socialist and humanitarian thinking Arizona border patrol.

Back now in tropical Mazatlán our famous scientific team are to prove once and for all that male expats don't always, as cynically reported, wear cargo shorts, moustaches, sandals and Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirts for everything including the opera and weddings.

Our paparazzi  photographer, Enzo 'The Cosh' Montana caught this group of expats lads in their untypical 'going out' smart attire who decided this time to dress up as they think European men dress to go to meetings. 

They are mincingly heading out for a powwow with the newly elected Great Leader Of The People Senor Felton to discuss the expat grievance that suggests it is really difficult to pursue frivolous court cases in Mexico whereas in the USA and Canada and coming soon to the UK it is de rigueur to sue the fuck out of anyone whenever it takes their fancy. 

This grievance was sparked by a report by James in the BajaInsider Blog that gives advice to people who want to move south from the north.

James says this:

 "Yes, there is corruption in Mexico and while it has gotten better in most areas, it still exists and the process of suing someone in Mexico is difficult at best even for the Mexican citizen."

In the resulting short but not so sweet confab, Senor Felton the Great Iguana reportedly screamed:   

"@£%*@!(*&^%$£** you @£$£@$ gringos, why don't you £@$%$£@ off back to the crazy planet from whence you came."

As the astounded group of prominent expat men rushed staggering for the door in their Jimmy Choo high heels, Senor Felton was heard to shout 

"And those shoulder pads are so last decade."

© MazReal 2013 Pardric O'Fukem The MazReal scientific correspondent. (Last seen naked and painted green swimming towards Cabo where he heard that is was easy to sue the state of Sinaloa for defamation and lost wages for allowing that he paint himself green and swim to Cabo. He is said to be asking for the amount of the trade surplus of the combined China and the USA economies and replace the CEO of Apple Inc.)

more suing news after the break

ps. MazReal editor update in light of the terrible 'suing' news: 

Our treasurer has run off with the funds so after a free Skype call to my lawyers in Phoenix Az. - SueTheFuckOutOf'EmRus. My rep, the slime-ball Mr. Scrotum 'Monster of Olde' Pigswill otherwise in the trade known as The Fifth Rider of The Apocalypse, Ditcher of Morals and Ethics suggests that as it is so difficult to make some extra money out of suing here in Medieval Mexico, I should post against the Department Of Homeland Security in the USA for allowing me into the US whilst on my way to Mexico without telling me that the temperature of my working environment in Mazatlán exceeds that laid down by the Department of Health in the Us of A. 

I suddenly today found to my utter surprise and chagrination that in the Mazatlán summer I am working in Victorian Workhouse conditions of 28 degrees C (? degrees F). The heat is forcing me drink to copious amounts of beer and champagne all day. The consumption of which yesterday degraded my ability to talk sense to a Federali when he pulled me over for  driving over his foot and killing a herd of cows that should have been behind wire near Walamo. (That's another suing matter he says)

I allegedly told the nice man via Scrotum in no uncertain terms - Fuck of you fascist bastard [sic] go kill some babies in Guatamala. The policeman didn't at all gently suggest I take a cab and sleep it off and he would kindly drive my car home. However according to Scrotum he beat me half to death with a tire iron and then demanded I give him my car and liver and kidney while he set fire to my wallet full with 100,000 dollars and my shoes that were hand-made by Jimmy Choo himself. 

He then, allegedly, took me back to the torture chambers at HQ, tied electrodes to my testicles and plugged me into the Sinaloa power grid whilst he and his friends laughingly drank beers and threw the cans at me. The result of which I recieved a 12 inch dent in my cranium that resulted in a trip to a clinic in Swiss alps skiing resort of La Champinnoises where the kings of England have for centuries found their thrills. There the surgeons of Russian Oligarchs removed the embedded empty can of Pacifico Lite and gave me a testicle and 12 inch penis transplant (transplants that old oligarchs desire) and a Botox session on my forehead to iron out the worry lines that have manifested themselves since then in my forehead. 

Mr. Pigswill reckons I should sue the US government and the Chinese government for good measure for a sum yet to be decided. A sum he reckons that may bring the US economy to its knees and allow me to live a life I am accustomed to by buying Costa Rica and swinging in a hammock all day whilst being served by endangered pandas wearing specially designed Panda Jimmy Choos Shooz. All Hail Me..........

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