Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Who are the NOBs and who are the SHITEs?

There are two main groups or tribes living in the Southernlands - the NOBs [sic] and the SHITEs*. Both fleeing from persecution in their far-off lands.

A NOB is a collective name for a group of Northernland ethno-semi-religious mainly protestant Christian caucasians of European  origin whose ancestry reach far back into the mists of time. 

Inspired by the writings of ancient NOB blogs from those who had already fled, they called themselves NOBs (North of Border)and began to flee southwards in ever increasing numbers pushed out of their ancestral lands by their fear of the agents of persecution that blight the country of their birth namely the IRS, the high cost of living, prohibitively high rates for a hip replacement and the successive corporate run totalitarian regimes that want them to stay and spend their monthly $1500-$1800 outgoings in their own country not in some Godforsaken, flea-bitten catholic banana republic run by demented commies and their evil cronies.

In Northernlandia the fascist Thought Police have the power to arrest anyone sitting on the street doing nothing. These toddlers were never seen again. It is assumed they are now Soylent Green's high energy plankton served to KFC chickens.

NOBs are finding refuge in a land where the cost of living is cheap, where there are stable communities of their own peoples that they can loose themselves in and where they can pay their dozens of servants a minimum wage close to that of a 16th century peasant. 

By the end of the 20th century and into the 21th century, roughly 1,000,000 NOBs had fled the hostile cloudy lands to the north.

A NOB family celebrating their freedom from the North by raising their arms on Playa Olas Altas

more after the break………………..

NOBs have relocated to the southern moist and warm Catholic nations that were willing to accept them and where dentists and witch doctors are cheap and they don't have to work for a living. Southern nations where they have the time to worship freely and carry on that ancient Northern protestant discipline of missionary works in helping their own kind and dogs by integrating them into those ancient societies and practices of blood letting, wine pours, theatre groups, and board games. They have become so busy they sometimes do not have the time to visit the hairdresser or manicurist.

One of the many NOB societies.  Seen here is a fire breathing class which is relevant to their lives in many ways . One example being the ability earn money at traffic lights when times get tough
The Cow painting school is another popular pastimes organised with missionary zeal by retired NOBs.

Asked about it, the organiser, KC and The Sunshine Band, said "Mexicans love to have their cows painted in pretty colours."

The fleeing Northernlandians are noted for their extreme love of dogs bordering on perverse and always take them out to the opera and restaurants as substitutes for their families left stranded in the far north. Consequently their patient hosts have had to accommodate these frankly strange customs of their new rich settlers and cater for the canine gentlemen and ladeez as they would a human.

NOBS still have a long way to go in order to assimilate themselves into the society, culture and language of their adopted land but as this is the first generation of fleeing NOBs there is still hope that their offspring will take the plunge. Being younger and less confused in the head they have a better chance to learn this ancient language of Spanglish. 

Unfortunately as this present group of Baby Boomer NOBs are well into their second or third phase of life and have left their offspring behind, any chance of them producing children born into this society is extremely unlikely unless controversial IVF treatment is made available. But if they are desirous of having children they can can take inspiration from the 124 year old woman Rajo Devi Lohan from Hissar India who gave birth to a healthy boy called Naveen.

Political rulers often admitted the NOBs into their states because they were honest, hardworking and peaceful. In the past when the power of the ruling tyrant President began to wain, his cronies would often find scapegoats. Those without the power to vote and speak Spanish to deal with lawyers were the first to be persecuted - the NOB's. Soon their desirable luxury seaside condos and ocean cruising yachts parked in the marina were the first thing to be confiscated. However today as the Presidents of these southern countries are now effectively ruled by the corporations, NOBs are relatively safe and they have been granted leave to continue their ancient practises of cheese making, barn building and goat herding, at least for a while.
Honest, Hardworking and peaceful NOBs, The McQueens

The totalitarian governments in the north are so worried about the mass exodus of tax paying NOBs that they are trying to force them to stay in their country of origin by instilling the fear of God into them suggesting they will be killed by bandits, drug crazed drug cartels, bent cops, the plagues of dengue, swine flu, beri beri, ebola, African horse disease, Rocky Mountain Spotted fever and Chagas disease currently sweeping the South. Whilst those Northernlanders who have sold their lives to buy mobile homes are also worried about the prospect of a prolonged tour in the Southernlands due their Government reporting  that those lazy Southlanders have not built any roads yet and suggest trading their luxurious homes on wheels for pack mules or Llamas. 

A typical NOB mobile home or Winnie Mandelabago

Many NOBs that have snuck back over the Northern border to stock up at Trader Jone's and Ikea have brought back stories of intimidation by the notorious 'armed patriots' of Arizona who guard the frontier. 
"He wagged his finger in front of my face and spitting said my daughter would be sent to a convent and my son would serve time as a galley slave on a French ship in the Med if I didn't tell them where in the Arizona desert I stashed that 100 kilos of weed from my last drug haul across the frontier." cried NOB Loooanne from Calle Venoos.

The last known picture of the notorious drug smugglers.NOB Loooanne from Calle Venoos and some guy. 

A strong emphasis on "community" was developed under these circumstances. It continues to be typical of NOB society. As a result of frequently being required to give up possessions and luxuries like their Northern registered 120 horse driven SUV gas guzzler and fancy department stores and Sachs of Fifth Avenue cards in order to retain individual freedoms, NOBs learned to live very simply and luxuriously. This was reflected both in the home and at the restaurant, where their dress and their buildings were plain. 

The male elders of the NOB society wear a uniform of pants just short of the knees, sandals or deck shoes with socks, caps and Hawaiian short sleeved shirts or vests to every occasion whether it be opera or a 12 course gastro dinner and the women float by in flowery loose flowing chiffon, clinking bangles and sandals. Garments that reflect their hippy origins. The music at their regular bars and popular NOB establishments, usually geetar blues, is performed a cappella and sitting on a high chair. This style of music serves as a reminder to many NOBs of their simple lives, as well as their history as a persecuted people. Some branches of NOBs have retained this "plain" lifestyle into modern times.

Two sides of the NOB male by day and by night

Most NOBs have burnt their bridges and fridges with the hostile Northernlands and sold every thing they possessed in order to start anew with the happy prospect of rebuilding their lives and homesteads in this land free from persecution and taxes. Some even having to live in temporary accommodation for up to a year while they bribe INAH to lift the SUSPENDIDO on their new pad.

This ingenious émigré turned her Playa Sur home she bought cheap(below)into this wonderful architectural delight that uncannily reflects the architects only previous experience of building houses for little birdies in El Bosque de Ciudad.

The cramped condition this NOB woman and her husband Patch had to put up with till her dream home(below) was built in NOMA is a testament to the spunky hardiness of these NOB frontier builders

The exterior of this ingeniously thatched NOB house has a wonderfully well appointed interior seen below. Many NOBs 'downgrade' the exterior as a testament to their ingenuity so it is less of a target for a break-in.

Not all NOBs who flee south have the money to buy a large rambling hacienda with race horses and some have to make do with smaller properties as their pensions afford them. This happy lady managed to buy with her pension this delightful bijoux house with its own clock. "I love my house." she chirped "The only problem is it's a bit of a squeeze when I invite guests for cocktails."

 Not all in South Noblandia is peaceful as schisms have been known to develop. That land north of the border is in fact two large countries of very different NOBs - the NOBs from the thickly forested forests of Mirkwood and freezing far north tundra of Gondor and shale oil and the other southerly NOB group from the lands of goblin infested mountains and deserts and the endless plains of doom. Lands that the ancient NOBs stole from an even more ancient group of NOBs who originated from Asia when the land was joined in the time of Noah and Samwise Gamgee.

These two groups actually abhor each other in their own lands but here, because there is no official frontier to keep them apart, they have had to tolerate each other otherwise this peaceful society of NOBBERY would fragment into warring factions of the Snergs and the Brees. The far-north group have been known to sew their national flag onto everything to distinguish themselves from their more war-like southerly neighbours whose lack of tolerance to other tribes and societies is plain to see in their own land. 

Brawling NOB factions. Those from the frozen northerly northlands and those from the  barren southerly northlands.

It is widely known that the southerly flow of fleeing NOBs have a more tolerant attitude and possess a social conscience. However they are sometimes accused of being members of the far left churches of Liberalism and Socialism who worship from the bible Das Kapital. That great tome from where the creator Karl Marx's famous quote still continues to bring tears of joy to anyone's eyes:

"What is your favourite dish?" 
and the great man replies:

This bible is still banned and burned in the lands from whence the NOBs come. The lands where they worship from the bible of Ayn Rand from whence comes this quote:

"They (Native Americans) didn't have any rights to the land, and there was no reason for anyone to grant them rights which they had not conceived and were not using. What was it that they were fighting for, when they opposed white men on this continent? For their wish to continue a primitive existence, their 'right' to keep part of the earth untouched, unused and not even as property, but just keep everybody out so that you will live practically like an animal, or a few caves above it. Any white person who brings the element of civilization has the right to take over this continent."

Until the Presidents of those Northern lands announces a formal apology to NOBs and their descendants and releases a postage stamp in their honour that reads "America is the home of the NOBs" it is highly unlikely they will find this brain drain of talented and hard relaxing octogenarians southwards ceasing.

©2014 Gurk McGurk

*Of course the NOB is not the only group fleeing from persecution, we are told by the NOBs there is a group they call the SHITEs (Seriously Haughty Indigenous Tribe Europeos)  who very rarely make their presence known in NOB society. But more on them later 


  1. Shouldn't this blog be named MazSurReal?

    1. It's all true I tell you. Come by and see for yourself.


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