Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tasty Titbits When The News Is Stale....

Unfortunately our Harry and Pulitzer nominated writer Jock 'Black Faced Sheep' Haggis recently flown in from the Isle of Scarrywag Scotland has been injured by a lobster in the spa town of Lucerne whilst grappling with his Thermidor so the usual witty prose will have to be put on hold whilst we fill the pages with nice images from this fair city and beyond. But before that we have some local and International news to convey....

Jock Haggis (third along the top row from this line-up prison photo) was seen to be in a bad state as can attested by his electric hair and dumb, close-lipped expression. That must have been one hell of a lobster escaping the flaming table-side frying pan.

Ex US diplomat Condoleeezzzaaa Riiice has suggested in the meantime that Mazatlán is to be relocated to somewhere in the Andes so be prepared for the move and take some cold weather gear with you but I am sure it will be cosy and that we can all be grateful to her for when the global warming reaches its climax in about one thousand years and the Andean snows melt.

A resident of Abilene. Don't be charmed by that girly cute smile as she is just as likely to fill you full of holes or shove that flag through your heart.

Two young gay boys necking were tossed out of a bar in an area known to have a prominent gay community but it seems that when they walked into the establishment they found themselves in a puritan village called Lubbock Texas and it was 1713, so it all makes sense. So when you take that plane home remember sometimes there are places that will force you to adjust your watches back about 290 odd years. Phoenix Az. being one such and maybe Provo UT and of course Abilene.

We have also just been informed that Jesus and his disciples were in fact Mexican Luche Libre wrestlers or else they enjoyed dressing like their proud heros from the ring. That is yet to be confirmed but Dan Brown, author of the Da Vinci Code seems to have unearthed some evidence to corroborate the story as seen by these latest ancient murals painted onto skateboards found deep in the Mexican Sonoran desert.

With the sudden increase in dengue forecast by someone somewhere an alert has gone out for inventors to come up with a novel and amusing way to allow us to get away from that nasty pest of a mosquito even while taking a shower. It seems we are all to be issued this fantastic protective device handed out by the Mazatlán health authorities. The inventor seems to think that the mosquito will only be attracted to the face of a beamingly happy woman with an enormous head. So until the protective masks are sent out which may be in 2215, try to look grumpy whilst taking a shower.

A unreliable source told us the news Macaws, that well known bar behind bars have decided to lay on English afternoon tea serving strawberry jam and Devonshire clotted cream with scones and they have specially recruited from England through the Ugly Tea Lady Agency a typical English Tea Lady who will be finding her way out here in the following months via a package steamer progressing through the Panama Canal. Here is a picture of the wonderfully charming 'charlady' who goes by the name of Our Gladys. Can't wait to taste her Earl Grey. But wo-betide any criticism as you may get a nasty cuff behind the earhole or a boiling pot of stewed Ceylonese over the head. That well known establishment will have to relax its no smoking policy to allow the fiery charlady to keep alive her 200 a day habit.

Our Gladys charlady extraordiare

And on a lighter note now that we are all friendly with the Frenchies after they assisted us to kick ol' leather face Gaddafi out, this famous French musical combo will be alighting in sunny Mazatlán to entertain us during the Moto Week. The hard-core greasy motor cycle gangs will be waiting with bated breath for them to turn up at their fireside drug and hard drinking party on a dusty field somewhere in the city. The venue is yet to be confirmed. I am so excited to be able to see Les Moustaches. So let us hope the second performance at the theatre in Centro will still see them with their pretty moustaches and pastel coloured sweaters. Who knows, but hopefully the smelly fat gang members will not have ripped the coiffured hair from off those happy boys upper lips and stomped their jaunty cardigans into the red dust.

Happy Easter to all.

© MazReal 2011

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