Sunday, September 18, 2011

You Have To Feel Important To Kill

You have to feel important to kill. That is why narcos drive big flashy cars, wear big hats and animal skin boots and keep exotic animals and beautiful women on a leash. That is why they have brass bands at cock fights.

As Mexican authorities capture a growing number of drug gang leaders, many of their pets are being driven from their gilded cages into more modest housing in the country's zoos. That's proving to be overwhelming for some institutions.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Restaurant Review. New Section Reviewing Restaurants...

ZAB Thai.

or is it ZIB Thai, ZEB Thai? Anyway it's that Thai joint by a gas station up there in the Golden Zone.
We walked in loudly proclaiming that we were famous restaurant reviewers and give us the best seats in the house and free food as the last thing you want is a restaurant not to be paying for your meal. Or is it the other way round? Anyway we walked in sat at a table and ordered lots of food. The food came after a perfect amount of time, just as we were getting bored with each others small talk and company. My dinner guest was about to call me a miserable stupid bastard and I was about to place my hands around his neck when we saw the food there.

Here is some Thai food, not from BING Thai Mazatlán but somewhere else. In fact his food looks a bit like this in smaller plates and hopefully the chef takes his cigarette out his mouth sometimes.

There were lots of dishes mostly of a brown hue and some green things and red whatchamacallits. Some on sticks that we dipped in coloured stuff, some in ball form which we also dipped in gooey stuff, a bowl of white sticky stuff and some plates of what could be that meat from cows accompanied by rings of those things you put over your eyes when you are hungover. And a plate of something we presume comes from the sea.

We reluctantly paid and left after asking the valet boy who was sitting outside to fetch our car pronto. He in fact said he was the owner and said his name was Suki Yaki Ying Tong Tiddle I Po or something like that.

He said "do come back" and we said "we certainly will."

So go have some food at Bak Thai the food is great. But remember you have to fetch your own car.

(We went on to see a film about monkeys taking over the world and learning to talk and alluding to the fact that all humans are bastards. But more of that in our NEW movie Review Section coming up next.......................)

Our next food review is from Chow In Lai's Crap Shack just on the side of Highway 2313002, Zebo City, Shandong Province, China.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Glamour of Narco Culture

Some great and disturbing images from photographer Shaul Shwarz of Getty Images

Between breaks on the set of a narco movie

Narco movie

Band singing narcocrridas about to go on stage in LA. Los Buknas de Culicán.

At a narco club in LA

On Set of a narco-movie

Narcocorrido artist El Komander in LA
On Set

The Real Thing

The Real Thing

Not playacting

Thanks to  © Shaul Shwartz Getty Images

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Famous Recluse Not 'Take-A-Chance' Lola but diminutive Hollywood Darling......MazReal Also Comes Clean About Its Nefarious Activities.........

Dramatically it has been revealed that the famous author and recluse 'Take-A-Chance' Lola is not as we reported a famous book writer but an even more famous food writer AND that diminutive Hollywood starlet that we all love from movies where she screamed her way through War Of The Worlds, Twilight Saga and soon to play Princess Margaret, non other than Dakota Fanning. It seems Dakota has a mansion on Baja from where she comes on her private pedalo to Mazatlán and incognito writes restaurant reviews for that fantastic all about Mazatlán blog, Venustiano Eats Out 

Dakota seen here with Tom and Tim famously confronting a very spicy Penne Arrabiata in a Golden Zone Italian basement restaurant thought to be an offshore Mafia hangout, hence the protective shotgun.

All gossip tabloids never have the need to check their sources as most of the crap they write is based on rumor and we unfortunately got sucked into that same rumor-mill situation and surmised that our information about 'Take-A-Chance' Lola was correct when in fact it was all complete bollocks. Our apologies go out to Ms Fanning.

Small communities love rumor and this one here is no exception. We at MazReal , for example, heard the viscous [sic] rumor that staff at MazReal are always seen out and about hellraisin', starting fights in bars and throwing televisions out of hotel windows, but the plain truth is that we never go out. That is, we are never seen to be going out! 

In that way we can keep a low profile and pass unnoticed into restaurants and watering holes frequented by Centro Folk and even come in and out of the country without anyone noticing we are gone. We hold clandestine meetings and plot uprisings and are in fact members of several secret societies such as The Illuminati, Opus Dei, The Rosicrucians and The Bilderburg Group and that famous European left leaning think tank The Fabian Society started by that even more famous lefty George Bernard Shaw.

This is all made possible by a tunnel from a secret door in a secret street that was once used by Mexican goat smugglers and leads to the front door of MazReal's secret address.

The famous secret door we share with the Mazatlán Order of the GR LOG OE AA LL Y AA del Freemasons together with a paid 'hobo' to sleep in front making the door appear unused and therefore appear even more goshdarn secret. You can get in to view our activities but you must be sure to use the secret code - drop your pants and bare your arse to the keyhole. That is a secret remember.

Here we are holding a secret meeting of the Rosicrucian Society. The Freemasons were using the secret room at the time so we held it secretly under an umbrella on Constitution. The rumor went out that this was a meeting of telephone engineers scratching their collective heads around an indecipherable bunch of wires. This blatant untruth suited our purposes well.

Back to Dakota Fanning and her wonderful reviews that have kept us in a sticky Pavlovian state whenever we read them and as we never leave the front door in our never-ending quest for secrecy, consequently we are always frustrated even jamming the computer keys with drooling saliva at times when her new reviews are out. Only a very rich Hollywood star can afford to go out and eat fine food and drink the finest wines incognito in all Mazatlán's bistros so it is is lucky that Dakota commands millions for her movies.

It is a shame that she will no longer be with us as those sea crossing pedalo journeys are taking her toll and her agent in Hollywood is demanding she come back closer to the action. 

Good luck Ms Fanning and we can't wait to see your portrayal on the silver screen of that other lover of food and especially wine, the British royal alcoholic Princess Margaret.

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