Friday, April 29, 2011


British royal Correspondent George Windsor-Tudor (no relation) reporting from the scene.


Stirring words. Isn't it a great time to be British even if you are not British, we are all British on this momentous day when the happy royal couple walk down that isle of that magnificent abbey holding hands, smiling happily, beaming from ear to ear and being watched by over 2 billion loyal subjects prostrating themselves at the foot of their television sets shouting "All hail the new King and Queen of the universe".

And here standing beneath the comforting flap of the United Kingdom Union flag....

OOPS!! Sorry wrong flag.

OOPS Again!!!!!

AAAH Much better.

As our British royal correspondent George Windsor-Tudor (no relation) was saying:

"Here standing beneath the comforting flapping of the United Kingdom flag and I reiterate united Union flag we can all celebrate this wonderful getting together of a royal personage (William Windsor  Schloss Hanover Coburg of Westphoolia Germany) and a commoner (Kate Winslett famous movie star). A day that makes history redundant because as we know lovely, stunning  Kate is from a poor, destitute blue collar background who was plucked off the street by this magnificent royal male species. Just like his animal counterpart from the African plains of the Serengeti, the muscular, sharp clawed beautiful beast, the long-maned Lion, which plucks weaker animals of the plains and devours them and spits them out. Oh how we would love to prostrate ourselves at the feet of this handsome couple and kiss their royal lavender smelling toes. This adorable girl with the Elizabeth Tayloresque flowing 'perfectly pitched' locks and her hunky husband with his thin, balding hair showing through a white scaly scalp. But as another lovely royal correspondent delves into her truly interesting and wonderfully rich life:

Imogen Fox has just spoken to Charles Worthington about Kate's hair. Worthington thinks her hair was perfectly pitched: "understated yet glamorous". But he would have made some tweaks. "I might have made the rest of the hair a little bit fuller with slightly bouncier big loose curls." He rated Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's look but was a little perplexed by Samantha Cameron's lack of hat. " I didn't think her hair looked groomed enough for an event like this. If you are not wearing a hat then the hair has to make a statement and look polished and fabulous."

Yes, yes yes and yes again don't we all just adore these wonderful royal British Germanic creatures and their royal cousins, aunts, sisters and ginger brother, progeny from another non-royal common sports star. (Hang on Jorge that's a treasonable offense to say that. Diana never had an affair with a ginger haired rugby player. Well we know but one must never mention it. - Editor). We are just so happy we can hardly contain ourselves to see these true blue GermanoBritish royals waving from the Buckingham Palace balcony. We love them, yes we do. Oh God I am so ecstatic I am about to ....."

That's enough of that sycophantic crap George Windsor - Whatever with your bloody double barrelled name, you are sacked!

Kate Winslett in her simple yet elegant dress that cost millions of British tax payers money, bravely kissing some bald bloke in a daft red cavalry suit he hired from the set of The Charge of the Light Brigade and a plastic Royal Air Force badge and chocolate medal

In the interests in getting a balanced view we now hear from our other royal correspondent Nasty McFilthy reporting from down at the working men's socialist bar. Nasty, we are assured, has renounced his socialist anarchist ways and has promised to give us a more balanced view. It's over to  Nasty..

'Ere it's Nasty reporting from down the Lamb and Flag pub watching the television set in the corner and standing at the bar with 5 beers in me hand and 10 already inside me gut. We are watching from the television set which was working up till about a minute ago when a loyal punter sent his litre glass of beer sailing through the set smashing the picture. Good on yer mate. The loyal boot throwing citizen is 'ere to add a comment.  Go on mate .....

Lamb and Flag - typical British Anarchist pub.

"Gerfuckin' spongers. It's us that's paying for that bleeding shindig at that there church. Just look at the money that's gorn into that fuckin' sham of a marriage. Won't last ten minutes it won't. Just look at the rest of them royals all of them divorced within seconds of getting hitched and our money paying for the lot of 'em. Just look at 'em  dressed in bleeding officers uniforms, as if they ever went to Afghanistan and fought alongside our brave lads there. All that twat William ever did was borrow a helicopter just to fly out and land on the front lawn of his girl's fuckin' mansion just to ask her hand in marriage that we paid for and now he thinks 'e's a pilot in the Royal Air Force. They should be shot, the lot of 'em. Stick 'em up against a wall and shoot 'em just like that Romanian fellow, what's 'is name, Chowchestycu, Chewchowscew or some such bloody foreign name. They shot 'im and 'is wife they did. Just dragged them out and shot 'em. Bloody royal scroungers stealing our money and not paying tax........."

It's Nasty reporting again; that man just fell onto his face drunk and we tink we'll leave him there and go look at the next TV round the back of the pub. Dammit that one has just been smashed by an angry man who put his head through it and the ambulance is arriving to take him away with blood pissin' through a gaping wound.

So from 'ere at the Lamb and Flag, a British working man's pub, Nasty McFilthy signing off. Oy where's my beer you cheap bastard? 'Ere take that you Nazi scum.

Thanks Nasty we don't think we will be getting back to you.

And to finish on this extraordinary day here's a happy picture of the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge having fun in the park of their new royal 500 roomed mansion paid for by the honest British tax payer.

The happy couple jostling in their recently dug acre of swimming pool in the gardens of their new country of England kindly given to them free of charge by their loyal subjects.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

El Quelite- First Report From Our New Travel Writer Jock 'Dusty' Karrooac

El Quelite - The pretty town that 'switches' off after you've gone. The pretty town that 'amazes your eyes'.

Herewith in anticipation the first travel report from the slightly jaundiced point of view of our new travel writer Jock Karrooac visiting a town that was chosen as 'best day trip' from that other illustrious mag. 

"If you like to visit an Mexican town that could be the setting out of a Hollywood movie whose producers  think real Mexico looks like this town with sweetly smiling local residents sitting on their verandas in rocking chairs waiting to be photographed by the tourists. If you like waiters in aprons jumping out of nowhere offering menus from their restaurants, teenagers dressed up and painted like Ulama players asking for money even before they have played a game (it is best to demand they play a game before you give them money as they could be cheeky kids in fancy dress. I did ask for a demonstration and they turned on their heels and instead stuck their hand into the face of a surprised Japanese lady who immediately placed an unaccustomed amount into the open palm.)

If you like to see lads sitting on the backs of patient donkeys giving them a damn good whipping to impress the visitors whilst the little muchachos shove their open hands into your face demanding money. If you want all this then this is the place to go. 

Young lad on a rolling-eyed donkey or horse or mule yanking on the reins from a halter mouthpiece that would be banned anywhere in the world to the delight of a very happy tourist.

Another young lad getting ready to whip the photographer if he fails to give him money.

A shy local hiding behind his door.

Have your 'eyes amazed' [sic] by the cobbled streets, nicely painted coloured buildings with shady verandas, bright flowers in pots and out of pots climbing up exteriors -

'Cute houses with red tile roofs covered by colorful bugamvilias will amaze your eyes.' 

As another publication puts it. A bugumvilia, by the way, is a plant only seen on a red tiled roof in El Quelite, no were else.

Amaze your eyes on a cathedral off the plaza, visit ladies who pick stones out beans [sic], stand and gawp at sweating peasants digging into the hard rocky ground to plant their beans outside town, eat in a couple of typical restaurants, buy tortillas in a hand-made tortilla making shop (better ones can be had in downtown Mazatlán) taste cheese in a cheese shop (damn good cheese) and check out a honey shop and watch groups of bored teenagers sitting all over the plaza chortling under their hands at the outsiders wandering aimlessly around.

Toddler disappearing into a dark doorway.

I came to the conclusion that the locals who live in El Quelite get as much pleasure from looking at tourists as the tourists do of looking at 'typical' Mexicans therein. So please get yourselves up there for the benefit of the gringo gazers in that little town. They need our money to sit around on their rocking chairs or to whip their donkeys or paint up as Ulama players for the benefit of us visitors. The Queen of England serves the same purpose after all as does the soon to be royal wedding we are getting so hot under the collar about.

But I think you will agree with me if you have seen Yul Brynner in the film Westworld that those very real Mexican people are 'switched' off to save their batteries when the tourists leave town."

Cheese shop  veranda

Photographer pursuing a local man in a hat.

Dusty Jock and his sidekick enjoying a meal at a restaurant off the main street. Not El Meson de los Laureanos. The eejit has forgotten the name of this one but it served damn tasty food. It's up the main street and to the right at the end of town.

Fresh milk for the cheese factory.
Post note:

Our man Jock was last seen being chased without his pants and wearing one shoe into the hills surrounding El Quelite after really pissing off the tech guys who did the 'switching off' when he was seen hiding in a doorway hoping to get to the bottom of the false atmosphere in that town. We do suggest however that a visit to Copala will provide a better experience but more on that later when we locate 'Dusty' and brush him off if he hasn't already kept running back to South Africa.

Note : The views of our new travel writer Jock Karrooac in no way mirror those of the MazReal proprietors.

© 2011 All Images MazReal Publications

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tasty Titbits When The News Is Stale....

Unfortunately our Harry and Pulitzer nominated writer Jock 'Black Faced Sheep' Haggis recently flown in from the Isle of Scarrywag Scotland has been injured by a lobster in the spa town of Lucerne whilst grappling with his Thermidor so the usual witty prose will have to be put on hold whilst we fill the pages with nice images from this fair city and beyond. But before that we have some local and International news to convey....

Jock Haggis (third along the top row from this line-up prison photo) was seen to be in a bad state as can attested by his electric hair and dumb, close-lipped expression. That must have been one hell of a lobster escaping the flaming table-side frying pan.

Ex US diplomat Condoleeezzzaaa Riiice has suggested in the meantime that Mazatlán is to be relocated to somewhere in the Andes so be prepared for the move and take some cold weather gear with you but I am sure it will be cosy and that we can all be grateful to her for when the global warming reaches its climax in about one thousand years and the Andean snows melt.

A resident of Abilene. Don't be charmed by that girly cute smile as she is just as likely to fill you full of holes or shove that flag through your heart.

Two young gay boys necking were tossed out of a bar in an area known to have a prominent gay community but it seems that when they walked into the establishment they found themselves in a puritan village called Lubbock Texas and it was 1713, so it all makes sense. So when you take that plane home remember sometimes there are places that will force you to adjust your watches back about 290 odd years. Phoenix Az. being one such and maybe Provo UT and of course Abilene.

We have also just been informed that Jesus and his disciples were in fact Mexican Luche Libre wrestlers or else they enjoyed dressing like their proud heros from the ring. That is yet to be confirmed but Dan Brown, author of the Da Vinci Code seems to have unearthed some evidence to corroborate the story as seen by these latest ancient murals painted onto skateboards found deep in the Mexican Sonoran desert.

With the sudden increase in dengue forecast by someone somewhere an alert has gone out for inventors to come up with a novel and amusing way to allow us to get away from that nasty pest of a mosquito even while taking a shower. It seems we are all to be issued this fantastic protective device handed out by the Mazatlán health authorities. The inventor seems to think that the mosquito will only be attracted to the face of a beamingly happy woman with an enormous head. So until the protective masks are sent out which may be in 2215, try to look grumpy whilst taking a shower.

A unreliable source told us the news Macaws, that well known bar behind bars have decided to lay on English afternoon tea serving strawberry jam and Devonshire clotted cream with scones and they have specially recruited from England through the Ugly Tea Lady Agency a typical English Tea Lady who will be finding her way out here in the following months via a package steamer progressing through the Panama Canal. Here is a picture of the wonderfully charming 'charlady' who goes by the name of Our Gladys. Can't wait to taste her Earl Grey. But wo-betide any criticism as you may get a nasty cuff behind the earhole or a boiling pot of stewed Ceylonese over the head. That well known establishment will have to relax its no smoking policy to allow the fiery charlady to keep alive her 200 a day habit.

Our Gladys charlady extraordiare

And on a lighter note now that we are all friendly with the Frenchies after they assisted us to kick ol' leather face Gaddafi out, this famous French musical combo will be alighting in sunny Mazatlán to entertain us during the Moto Week. The hard-core greasy motor cycle gangs will be waiting with bated breath for them to turn up at their fireside drug and hard drinking party on a dusty field somewhere in the city. The venue is yet to be confirmed. I am so excited to be able to see Les Moustaches. So let us hope the second performance at the theatre in Centro will still see them with their pretty moustaches and pastel coloured sweaters. Who knows, but hopefully the smelly fat gang members will not have ripped the coiffured hair from off those happy boys upper lips and stomped their jaunty cardigans into the red dust.

Happy Easter to all.

© MazReal 2011

Things To Do Before You Die..........

Most of us expatriates are going to die soon. Probably sooner than our grandchildren and probably not as soon as supercentanarian Bessie Cooper. So before you die there are a few things you ought to do. Here's a few of them essential tasks that will make your remaining years more fulfilled:

Go Yak Skiing
Take a night time tour of a Rio slum
Give Donald Trump a haircut
Become a vagrant
Get a job and get off unemployment benefit for the first time in your life
Have a slap fight with a bear
Go partake in a G20 riot
Paint your house like grass so no one knows where to go to visit you ever again
Establish an anarchic state
or visit La Luna Studio for the Found Art Exhibition or Transformations before it finishes soon.

This latest exhibition comes in two flavours as it were - overwhelming and underwhelming, overstated and understated, brazen and intimate and any other antonym around that idea you care to think of. Lanny Garland, visiting artist from  Patzcuaro, Jack de Vore and the rest of the La Luna pack. 

MazReal staff would generally try and find a way to blag themselves into any opening shindig whether it be the opening occasion of a envelope or a racehorse stud mating viewing as long as there is free booze but this time they did not send representatives to the opening night as there were more important things to do in touring the globe looking for that perfect massage and street ear cleaning experience. However our man eventually found his way to La Luna Contemporáneo at 1121 Niños Héroes.

First the overwhelming, overstated, brazen, amplified, imposing art.

Walk in off the street and this cheap critic was immediately blown back into the street again by the Patzcuaro visiting artist's imagination run riot with symbols of Mexicana and ancient tribes. Sacrifice and ceremony. Masks and colourful robes stiff like samurai armour, crazy turquoise chickens pecking corn down near the window, shrunken heads, a bull head with gold tipped horns and dangly earrings and above the door a male deer with antlers and gold trimmings. I would love to enter this man's mind in a little submersible craft and while away a few hours watching his cogs moving and producing. A drive-in film theatre of his thoughts projected on the back of his brain pan.

Where would you hang Garland's work if you bought it? Unless you had a Hearst House, a Getty House, a Queen Elizabeth II house or lived in the British Museum with a big spotlight to highlight it those'll be the places. But as this critic lives in a hole in the middle of Calle Aleman with three other interlopers I'd choose one of the other artists on show here.

Move further in and you feel a certain relief to be with the local artists' more intimate works. Works that you can lean into and study. These pieces caught my eye.

Mark R Jay's 'Douthitt Diaphragm-control Corporation Series 4L2' camera lens (Christ only knows where he unearthed that piece of kit) with dangling lens cap. A piece entitled  'the camera loves you'.  Press your face close and you can see yourself in the lens. Unfortunately no camera loves me so it was a worthless exercise. Next to it was a piece suggesting that '.....and after a little while his heart was full' , illustrated with what looks like a silver christening spoon and pottery container hanging from a piece of string from a rusty nail over a block of wood all underneath a cute silver heart. I love the components that make up this art work but if I bought it I would not be able to contain the urge to disassemble it and use the bowl and spoon for serving rock salt at a meal and hang them back when finished like when you hang pots in your kitchen. A usable artwork. An interactive artwork where I would hang them in different positions thereby creating my own piece of art every time I served salt. Thumbs up to Mark R Jay.

As you can see they got my imagination working and philosophising which should be the aim of art.

the camera loves you.

Follow onto the equally imaginative intimate works of Lucila Santiago - 'Acantilados, Tiempo Solidificado, and Flor de asfalto'. Lovely pieces from wood, oil, copper, steel, marble, gold leaf and my favourite of her's 'Candado Africano', a bird of wood, paper, ink and golf leaf. (A work that some other person has snapped up and red-dotted before this internationally celebrated critic had had a chance to purchase and place on his extensive wall covered in famous pieces.) 

Candado Africano

Back on yourself to Dave Robb's humorous graphic collages of newsprint covering table settings and a very nice 'Early Bird' rooster with a great haughty expression as roosters do. I'll have this one, it'll make me smile whenever I'd look at it. Reminding me of the Ottoman Grand Vizier  Seljuk Sultinate of Rüm

Early Bird

and  in the small backroom is to be found the always interesting and amusing Nan Robb exhibits. This time amongst others from her a little fat pink clay man with a green butterfly on his chest (to me they looked like a pair of green lungs hanging outside his body but on closer inspection I saw the butterfly) and red cheeks standing arms at his side one foot slightly backwards and small penis sticking forwards with fleshy worms radiating outwards inside a semicircular frame. He is 'Butterfly Man' in mixed media his visage conveying perplexity as his life is sucked out of him by those fleshy worms. Wish MazReal paid us fine writers a wage or even cigarette money (we gotta pay them cheap-skate bastards for the privilege!) 

Otherwise I would buy this one like a shot.

Other works - 

Glen Rogers' painted tinaco cover shield looking good in the sun bright setting. Wish I could do that with my tinaco lid, if I could find the damn thing. Some even cheaper-skate stole it and that was without a famous artist painting it. I reckon he came here saw this artwork and the price, climbed over the adjacent roofs and filched my lid with the hope he could sell it unpainted at Juarez Market for a tidy sum. Next to it  a piece entitled 'Pajaro' with lots of movement but it reminds me of an octopus swimming up the wall.

 Carlos Z's metal exhibit and Jack de Vore's often witty surreal pieces including 'Julia Childs Meets Georgia O'keefe'. Nice piece but haven't clue what the title is about - metaphorical one-liners obviously.

Judging by this latest exhibition from The La Luna Art Pack and visitors it seems that other Mazatlán art galleries will have to put in a lot of work and imagination if they want to catch up with what La Luna Contemporáneo is coming up with. Onwards and Upwards.

Actually what a day out it would be to sit in the collective brain pan of all these artists and watch an electrical synaptic movie of their imaginations at work. I could stay the whole show.

(For more pictures of the exhibition opening bash go here)

© MazReal 2011

Thursday, April 7, 2011

If You Thought Mexico Had It's Share Of Homeless People......Check Out Mumbai India.

MazReal staff photographer Skip Church just got back from the colourful country of India at the invitation of the Badshah Nawab Nizam Wali of Swat to photograph his pet dog. 

Stepping out the front door and taking a stroll three hundred metres to the spectacular Victorian Gothic  Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus railway station to take a train to the Nawab's palace he snapped these images.

Enjoy your breakfast, lunch, dinner, four walls and bed..............!

Indian cows get a better deal - their own beach umbrella and food without lifting a hoof........Albeit they are sacred. Crazy place that country.

© MazReal 2011

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