MazReal sent our babelicious ace surf correspondent and beach bunny Casey 'Crash' Kling down to the beach to meet the organiser of the upcoming SlowpokeGold Classic Surf Weekend, that primo brah rad surfer Duke 'Stoned Crow' Malakai also know as the comeback kid. Crash began by asking him:
Q. Put it here Stoned Crow. Can I call you Stoned or Crow?
A. Aloha dudette. Call me Dickhead if you want. Anything man. I'm not really into names or gender.
Q. Thanks Dickhead. Any tips for beginners or folks wanting to learn?
A: Dude you just look for the best barrels dude, you just like pull in and you just get spit right outta them, you just drop in and just smack the lip WAAAPHAAA, drop down and BWAAAAAH and after that you just drop in and ride the barrel again get so pitted and so pitted like that till you are in the bone-yards man but don't be fuckin' clucked by the breaks man. Da Cute dude.
Q. Best surfing experience?
A. Fo' Shua doooowed i had this gnarlatious experience on O'ahus North Shore the world's big wave magnet on a dawn patrol and this beach man had all its meatballs out and fully mackin' some gnarly grinders with corduroy to the horizon out there and giving me pucker factory dodging all those black tipped Noahs. I was amped man but could only see ankle busters inside and booga boogas out on the fucking beach man. Anyway with a side eye a ground swell took off with a sleeper set and I knew it was time for honkers man and suddenly this off the richter momboosaloid came out of fuckin' nowhere man, I gave that wave the stink eye man and careful not to schnarf it I knew I'd better t.o.a.d and screamed "YEP fucking BANZAI" and I was outta there ridin' a coffin down the avalanche. It was kinda crab man but i didn't care man and before i knew it I was in a double spinner, then hang ten, then droppin' and radically cuttin back into el rollo and an elevator drop. I was full on surfing man. Next a headstand and a head dip and I hit the lip. I was hot-doggin' dude till suddenly this deak dragger did a shoulder hopper and I was gone, eighty sixed and full on spinning through the glasshouse and into the impact zone. Next thing I knew I was having a sand facial and selling buicks man on account of the neptune cocktail. It was a bad over the falls man the worst and I was noodle dude but alive. And to make it ever worse this purplified queeb sidles up and says " Hey man you got a woofy stuck to your your arse?" Jesus I'd lost my fucking baggies and was bare-assed. It was bummer dud.
Q: Your worst moment?
A: A friend talked me into surfing Fat Dick's in 1792. The incoming tsunami wave coming as a result of the Krakatoa explosion was probably 1000 feet, and had it caught me, I went into some kind of psychotic panic episode underwater. I paddled up the face just as the lip started to fringe, and I was just about vertical as I crested the thing and fell down the backside, making little whining noises in my throat.
Q: What started your fascination with surfing? What keeps that passion going today?
A: Doris, my mom who is much younger than me, visited our San Fernando Valley house in 1965, threw her 12'6" Hobie in the pool, stood me in the middle of the board and pushed me into the deep end.. I was five and she nearly drowned me. Literally and figuratively by holding my head under water saying this'll do you good sometime son. After heavy resuscitation and chest pounding I came round still clutching that board. By '69 we were living in Venice Beach, and I was still holding that board not wanting to let it go.
Q. When did you get interested in surfing?
A. Before the Partwii, Lauren, the cyborg, bus surfed over to Mickey D’s with his brofriend Chuck D and bought a McGangbang happy meal with the funds that he jacked from his sugar momma after his disco nap that afternoon. Big C pulled out his phone from his nuthuggers and started sexting a ginger slice with a tramp stamp that he had been friendly following ever since they shared a game of Jager pong. Lauren gave DeeDee the air jerk as he noticed Tanasa the grade digger that sat next to him on the break water. Lauren gave her the “let’s just be friends” nod and grabbed his happy meal. As Lauren walked outside he saw, Bruce, the designated bodybasher, as he started wailing teenybopper show tunes. Bruce was manstrating again and wanted his fix of Dr. Pepper and Big league chew. The night of celebrating Lauren’s nomotion had barely even started and already he was knackered.
Q. Tell me about your surfboards?
A. Yep, my original board, it started out to be a Potater, then I got a Weeber Puffyormer, shaped by Horald Figgy himself- the master! Could barely fit it under my arm, you know one of those type of boards you dragged everywhere you went. The fin was duct taped on, so that, you know, everytime I hit rocks and stuff, it would pretty much bend and stay on. Dings, you never fixed dings, but then it was hard to ding a board back then because they were built so strong. Products were really, really heavy duty. The resin out there was just very inexpensively hi-tech. So, boards didn't break like they do now back then. But then you only needed one. Now you've got a fleet of twenty and you only use about three or four of them, then you give the rest away. It's definitely not as soulful as it used to be
Q. Tell me about the SlowpokeGold Classic?
A. Todos is a big nalu, Mavericks is gnarly wave, extremely bombora, the conditions are very elite- its for an elite group of people. I prefer to stay here, down at Waimea or Sunset, or two foot V-land, its all the same- for fun. But if you throw money into it, you get guys doing it for the wrong reasons. Its like dangling a golden carrot in front of people.
Q. Convince us to come to the SlowpokeGold Classic Weekend June 1-5
A. Whaaaadja say dude? The Slowpoke Gold man is the most bodacious surf competition/Festival ever in Mexico's ancient surfing history that began with the Olmecs man - a bitchin' contest fer sure, it's the choice brah, dirty food, gnarlacious bands and a unique lifestyle.
It's Hawaiian time dudette no more on MJ, I'm outta here.
Thanks to Duke 'Stoned Crow' Malakailahoolahoolhan.
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